forgiving

[privategal]

I think my unforgiveness is what is holding me back from finally moving on.

Have you forgiven if you had been left in a bad manner?

Did it take you years or months or how long until you let go and saw the end in a more positive light? Any tips on forgiveness? I almost wonder if it goes hand in hand with indifference?

I hope not as I have awhile to get to true indifference but if I could just let go of all the bad, dark angry feelings and find forgiveness it would help move things forward.

I know it sounds silly but I don't know how to start the process to forgive.

Do you just think positive thoughts or?

[Chasing_mya]

You have to forgive yourself 1st & foremost. Work on you and knowing that all that negativity and anger is in the past. By not forgiving him you are allowing him power over you. Don't give him that satisfaction that he still has you (mentally). Start by loving you, treating yourself good like going for a spa, doing activities you enjoy, being around positive and happy people. You need these things to rub off on you. Look in the mirror and know you are not the same person from before and believe it. After that forgive him and he will no longer have that hold over you. It's a work in progress but I have faith you can do it.

[jen1447]

I think my unforgiveness is what is holding me back from finally moving on.

Have you forgiven if you had been left in a bad manner?

Did it take you years or months or how long until you let go and saw the end in a more positive light? Any tips on forgiveness? I almost wonder if it goes hand in hand with indifference?

I hope not as I have awhile to get to true indifference but if I could just let go of all the bad, dark angry feelings and find forgiveness it would help move things forward.

I know it sounds silly but I don't know how to start the process to forgive.

Do you just think positive thoughts or?

 

A lot of people say that forgiveness is really for the one who was wronged, not the wrongdoer, as holding onto animosity is not healthy. If that's true, then I doubt it's really forgiveness exactly, moreso just letting go of the anger. You don't say "I don't hold it againt you for effing me over," you say "I don't mind that you effed me over anymore." That's moving on, and that only happens the good old fashioned way - with time. There's no magic bullet by thinking positive thoughts and all that. Just time-time-time.

[privategal]

Thank you so much. I have a whole lifetime to work on me. I will keep doing so, Ive been very sick and low for nearly 3 months. Id like to move to a better state with the coming of Spring, Id like not to be weighed down with anger and the constant memories.

It seems as an adult people would know how to forgive, that it is something that comes with ease, but I don't find it easy to think positive toward him or wish his life well after being cast away like garbage, but that's exactly what needs to happen for me not to hold on.

Im bonded to him by reliving anger and harboring unforgiveness.

That's too much space in my mind. For my heart to feel lighter and my progress to proceed, I need to get past that. Its the brick wall and it wont let me progress more until I can.

[Rainbowlove]

I think my unforgiveness is what is holding me back from finally moving on.

Have you forgiven if you had been left in a bad manner?

Did it take you years or months or how long until you let go and saw the end in a more positive light? Any tips on forgiveness? I almost wonder if it goes hand in hand with indifference?

I hope not as I have awhile to get to true indifference but if I could just let go of all the bad, dark angry feelings and find forgiveness it would help move things forward.

I know it sounds silly but I don't know how to start the process to forgive.

Do you just think positive thoughts or?

 

I also think it's linked to compassion.

 

Remember we are all only human and I'd like to believe we all do the best we can with what we've got to work with.

 

If we can put ourselves in the other shoe, do we see a different perspective?

 

Letting go is a process.

 

You'll get there, but you have to work through it all first.

 

Stay strong.

[81West]

Thank you so much. I have a whole lifetime to work on me. I will keep doing so, Ive been very sick and low for nearly 3 months. Id like to move to a better state with the coming of Spring, Id like not to be weighed down with anger and the constant memories.

It seems as an adult people would know how to forgive, that it is something that comes with ease, but I don't find it easy to think positive toward him or wish his life well after being cast away like garbage, but that's exactly what needs to happen for me not to hold on.

Im bonded to him by reliving anger and harboring unforgiveness.

That's too much space in my mind. For my heart to feel lighter and my progress to proceed, I need to get past that. Its the brick wall and it wont let me progress more until I can.

 

It been my sense and experience that when we choose formulations like "cast away like garbage" it's really much more about how we are feeling about ourselves than true anger over some other person's actions. The hardest thing to accept with eventual serenity is that somebody doesn't love us like we love them. But they have that right, unfortunately. Men in particular can be painfully practical beings. It's excruciating, I know. God do I know. But everybody is worth somebody who can't live without you just as much as you can't live without them, who would NEVER let you go if they didn't have to, and who believes in imperfect you just as much as you believe in imperfect them. The only way to get there unfortunately is to sit through the searing pain of that last joyful risk in the name of love that you helplessly watched turn into little more than your latest bad decision. An intellectutal acceptance that life just...changes...is what's needed more than anger or forgiveness I think. You want somebody you can wholly trust with the vulnerability of your love, and he let you down. You deserve more. When you really believe that, you won't need to be angry or forgive anybody.

[Arieswoman]

Personally, I don't see the point in forgiving someone who you don't want to reconcile with, or that you will never see again.

 

The Christian point of view (which is often mis-quoted) is that God's forgiveness is always available for those who truly repent and we should try to emulate this.

 

If someone is plainly not sorry or has not expressed contrition for how they wronged you, then, IMO they do not deserve forgiveness.

[privategal]

It been my sense and experience that when we choose formulations like "cast away like garbage" it's really much more about how we are feeling about ourselves than true anger over some other person's actions. The hardest thing to accept with eventual serenity is that somebody doesn't love us like we love them. But they have that right, unfortunately. Men in particular can be painfully practical beings. It's excruciating, I know. God do I know. But everybody is worth somebody who can't live without you just as much as you can't live without them, who would NEVER let you go if they didn't have to, and who believes in imperfect you just as much as you believe in imperfect them. The only way to get there unfortunately is to sit through the searing pain of that last joyful risk in the name of love that you helplessly watched turn into little more than your latest bad decision. An intellectutal acceptance that life just...changes...is what's needed more than anger or forgiveness I think. You want somebody you can wholly trust with the vulnerability of your love, and he let you down. You deserve more. When you really believe that, you won't need to be angry or forgive anybody.

 

No matter the reasons another has, it is always going to be traumatic for a person to be abandoned, and for me I have deeply hung on trying to pry my brain and heart away from the memory of that. It just seems senseless to let go of someone who was asking nothing from you and who was daily just being a friend.

I know I could go round and round about it forever, it will make no difference. Im just trying to let go and not seek to understand anymore but rather forgive. It almost seems easier to hold on and stay stuck in the toxic sadness than it does to just let the heart be lighter and heal and forgive. Perhaps its cause I truly don't understand and I did also seem to love myself when there was friendship and courtesy and love from extended from him each day. That was really all I needed and I believe It comes from lonliness and feeling vulnerable in a new city without any new friends. Im alone here and work a lot in a different location each day and also at my age its hard to make new friends, I am married and don't go party so its tough.

The friendship just simply meant a lot to me. I valued it, I didn't smother it, I often didn't even initiate first and just was so blindsided when it ended after all the work and years put into it. It seems I may never recover.

I am currently reading a magazine I picked up at one of those local little shops that have the psychics and gemstones and new agey types of things.

There are hundreds of healers, reiki sessions, a million things like that and I want that, I want something, anything to end the confusion and pain. Theres too many options and I don't know which are a hoax or money maker. I don't know what is legit that would help me.

Im truly ready for a new day and to be positive again I really REALLY need it.

 

 

My eyes have bags like never before, I smoke SO much, I could never quit because my anxiety is high and it fills the time alone and calms me so that has added to my aging. Ive struggled so much and some days I think one message, a simple apology, anything to say you weren't just thrown away, I probably wouldn't even answer, but I could be hoping and waiting my entire life for that. I just want to go on with the rest of my life, I know Im worth it. Im not as worthless as I have felt, I give to charity, I am loving and helpful to others, I give money out my window to those standing on the street with signs if I have cash. Im a nice person. To be nice means to have a big heart too, and a big heart that isn't cold seems to take a thousand times longer to heal.

[privategal]

Personally, I don't see the point in forgiving someone who you don't want to reconcile with, or that you will never see again.

 

The Christian point of view (which is often mis-quoted) is that God's forgiveness is always available for those who truly repent and we should try to emulate this.

 

If someone is plainly not sorry or has not expressed contrition for how they wronged you, then, IMO they do not deserve forgiveness.

 

 

I know, I just think the unforgiveness weighs a lot and seems to bond you to a person too. Its probably not healthy to live in such a state of bitterness and resentment. I live between there and depression and I believe the depression is situational and not long term. I just know I want to rise above and thought it may be good to hear some stories of how others were able to get there.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Forgiveness is not something that you do for the other person. Forgiveness is something that you do for YOU.

 

Until you can forgive, you continue to carry around hurt, anger, hate, sorrow---all deep emotions that affect your body, the way you see yourself, the way you see other people, and the way you see your world. Not forgiving can keep you stuck in all of these emotions.

 

These emotions can affect your body and many illnesses can come from holding the emotions of hurt, anger, hate and sorrow in your body over a long period of time.

 

Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is a selfish act that you do for yourself to help you heal.

 

It does not change what was done to you. It does not change the other person. Forgiveness does not say that what was done to you was right or should ever happen to another person. Forgiveness does not change the past.

 

Forgiveness allows you to surrender the hurt that was done to you. Surrendering allows you to wake up to a better day. Forgiveness makes you a stronger, more compassionate person and allows you to start to trust yourself.

 

Do it for you. You deserve it

[privategal]

Forgiveness is not something that you do for the other person. Forgiveness is something that you do for YOU.

 

Until you can forgive, you continue to carry around hurt, anger, hate, sorrow---all deep emotions that affect your body, the way you see yourself, the way you see other people, and the way you see your world. Not forgiving can keep you stuck in all of these emotions.

 

These emotions can affect your body and many illnesses can come from holding the emotions of hurt, anger, hate and sorrow in your body over a long period of time.

 

Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is a selfish act that you do for yourself to help you heal.

 

It does not change what was done to you. It does not change the other person. Forgiveness does not say that what was done to you was right or should ever happen to another person. Forgiveness does not change the past.

 

Forgiveness allows you to surrender the hurt that was done to you. Surrendering allows you to wake up to a better day. Forgiveness makes you a stronger, more compassionate person and allows you to start to trust yourself.

 

Do it for you. You deserve it

 

 

Thank you, well I am going to focus my energy on forgiving I am not sure how I can forgive, but I will forgive, Im going to start to try, cause Ive done as much healing as I possibly can, I think this is the missing piece of trying to let go now, its the forgiveness piece. If theres any way that will help me there, any tips or success stories I could use the now.

[georgia girl]

I think my unforgiveness is what is holding me back from finally moving on.

Have you forgiven if you had been left in a bad manner?

Did it take you years or months or how long until you let go and saw the end in a more positive light? Any tips on forgiveness? I almost wonder if it goes hand in hand with indifference?

I hope not as I have awhile to get to true indifference but if I could just let go of all the bad, dark angry feelings and find forgiveness it would help move things forward.

I know it sounds silly but I don't know how to start the process to forgive.

Do you just think positive thoughts or?

 

Privategal,

 

 

Just my opinion, but I think forgiveness will come in time. It will be a natural part of your healing. Once you heal, those harms that others have done to us don't smart as badly, don't defeat us as soundly and therefore, they lose their power to hurt. Once that power to hurt is gone, we can see someone for both their strengths and weaknesses, for what they gave us which was good and what they did which was bad. In understanding that whole person and that whole dynamic, we learn that it wasn't all good or bad and we can naturally forgive the bad parts.

 

 

But, as others have said, I don't think forgiveness is something you can force and I don't think you get to forgiveness when you're not in a good place. I think for now, you should really focus on you, being happy and getting yourself to a place of contentment. Once you're content, past hurts melt away.

 

 

Start with little things. When I went through one of the most traumatic times in my life (breakup, career issues), I had to do this. I used to think of one thing I could do for myself that would make me happy that day. I literally used to lie in bed and not get up for work until I had thought of that one thing. A lot of times, it was to have a bubble bath that night. Or read 20 pages in a new book I was enjoying (I was trying to string out the pleasure.) Or to go to the movies with a friend that weekend. Whatever one thing I could do that I could look forward to that would make me happy.

 

 

Eventually, it was so easy to think of that one thing and I didn't need to do it as much. Of course, I got lucky as well. A new opportunity allowed me to actually take a huge leap forward in my career instead of taking a sideways move to get out of my current situation and that helped immensely.

 

 

But happiness is truly key. Take care of you - literally. One thing, each day that makes you smile. Each smile makes the next one easier to find. Eventually, those smiles turn into laughter and the part of your soul, which feels bruised and tired and not pretty anymore, it starts to heal in wonderful ways. And you will come out of it with a stronger soul, a steadier heart and all the forgiveness you need. Why? Because it won't matter. Your happiness will not in any way be dependent upon anyone in your past.

 

 

Hugs. Carry on. You will get this.

 

 

GG

[81West]

No matter the reasons another has, it is always going to be traumatic for a person to be abandoned, and for me I have deeply hung on trying to pry my brain and heart away from the memory of that. It just seems senseless to let go of someone who was asking nothing from you and who was daily just being a friend.

I know I could go round and round about it forever, it will make no difference. Im just trying to let go and not seek to understand anymore but rather forgive. It almost seems easier to hold on and stay stuck in the toxic sadness than it does to just let the heart be lighter and heal and forgive. Perhaps its cause I truly don't understand and I did also seem to love myself when there was friendship and courtesy and love from extended from him each day. That was really all I needed and I believe It comes from lonliness and feeling vulnerable in a new city without any new friends. Im alone here and work a lot in a different location each day and also at my age its hard to make new friends, I am married and don't go party so its tough.

The friendship just simply meant a lot to me. I valued it, I didn't smother it, I often didn't even initiate first and just was so blindsided when it ended after all the work and years put into it. It seems I may never recover.

I am currently reading a magazine I picked up at one of those local little shops that have the psychics and gemstones and new agey types of things.

There are hundreds of healers, reiki sessions, a million things like that and I want that, I want something, anything to end the confusion and pain. Theres too many options and I don't know which are a hoax or money maker. I don't know what is legit that would help me.

Im truly ready for a new day and to be positive again I really REALLY need it.

 

 

My eyes have bags like never before, I smoke SO much, I could never quit because my anxiety is high and it fills the time alone and calms me so that has added to my aging. Ive struggled so much and some days I think one message, a simple apology, anything to say you weren't just thrown away, I probably wouldn't even answer, but I could be hoping and waiting my entire life for that. I just want to go on with the rest of my life, I know Im worth it. Im not as worthless as I have felt, I give to charity, I am loving and helpful to others, I give money out my window to those standing on the street with signs if I have cash. Im a nice person. To be nice means to have a big heart too, and a big heart that isn't cold seems to take a thousand times longer to heal.

 

Hope there was nothing about my post that seemed to minimize your pain or your experience. Definitely not my intention. Trust me when I tell you that I get it. It's just that I've learned through experience that people are people, and sometimes that means they are going to badly let us down. Crush us even. For me forgiveness either comes easily or, much much more rarely, never at all. Because of that it's rarely a useful box for me to be rattling around in, so I seek out other types of closure that are based in acceptance. I'm trying right now to think of life as a river whose bends and rapids I couldn't and can't predict, but must ride out. When you have to fight your own heart for forgiveness it's a bit like paddling upstream in that river - exhausting and mostly fruitless. I've curled up on my raft, and I'm crying the tears I need to, and I'm trusting that the current will bring me to the sun once again, in time. When I've gathered some strength and can do more than grieve, I'll start paddling. That's kind of what acceptance is I guess: paddling the river with the current.

[GoldieLox]

I have not forgiven him yet, I'm still very angry. Of course, the problem is that I have not forgiven myself for my part in this either. I will always believe if I had been a stronger person, none of this would've happened. I guess when I learn to forgive myself, forgiveness for him will come.

 

privategal, take care of yourself a little more each day. remember the good qualities about yourself and remember that you're a good person.

[privategal]

I have not forgiven him yet, I'm still very angry. Of course, the problem is that I have not forgiven myself for my part in this either. I will always believe if I had been a stronger person, none of this would've happened. I guess when I learn to forgive myself, forgiveness for him will come.

 

privategal, take care of yourself a little more each day. remember the good qualities about yourself and remember that you're a good person.

 

Well I dont believe I need to forgive myself for some reason.

I only loved. Thats it. Not guilty of much else ya know?

 

Im so sorry Goldie that you are hurt and angry too...I hope you start to feel better too from the burdens you carry

They're heavy. And its a mountain to climb with all that weight.

Hugs and prayers for you.

[Josmatjes]

You can't just decide to forgive, it's not as easy as it sounds. I myself hope to get their someday but right now my hatred of him is keeping me going and I'm doing pretty good.

 

Your forgiveness will come in time, don't rush it. One day you will wake up and you'll just know your ok.

 

It's like quitting smoking, it took me awhile but after awhile everyday I would think about it less and less and then one day I didn't crave it at all, then a few days then a week and now it's 15 years!! Not to say it would take that long but like I said you will get there!?

[Arieswoman]

81west,

 

That's kind of what acceptance is I guess: paddling the river with the current

.

 

I agree.

 

What I have always done is accept that certain people have badly wronged me. That I will probably never get an apology from them (because basically they just don't care) and move on from that.

 

I believe that acceptance is what to aim for, not forgiveness.

[privategal]

81west,

 

.

 

I agree.

 

What I have always done is accept that certain people have badly wronged me. That I will probably never get an apology from them (because basically they just don't care) and move on from that.

 

I believe that acceptance is what to aim for, not forgiveness.

Id take acceptance, forgiveness, indifference...I just want to start thinking in that direction cause I was stuck in the limbo phase of hope, pain etc etc and I believe I already did the greiving...and I faced it head on, got it all out....and I believe the forgiveness part was what was holding me back...I know it can't be forced but I need to move toward it..

I'll keep paddling.