LifeNomad Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 hello all would like insight met a girl about 5 months ago, things moved smooth and quick which neither of us mind, she moved in and has 2 kids and this is the situation I have 3 kids, I get on Mondays & wed for a few hours, and fri - sat or sometimes thru sunday they stay with me my gf works graveyard shift and works every other weekend and weekdays vary on the evenings she works and I have my kids, she sometimes leaves her kids with me sometimes with her mom which is a good 40 minute drive away from our house My question/concern relates to me watching her kids on the weekends I also have mine, from Friday thru Sunday she works from 6pm - 6am, so she comes home at 6am on sat & sun & needs to rest a good 6 hours or more and by the time she wakes up she needs to work again that same day. So shes either at work or sleeping the weekends she works which again is every other weekend during that time I have my 3 kids and her 2 kids, and sometimes they get along and sometimes they fight with each other, and basically the weekend she leaves them with me I end up watching all 5 since she needs to rest & work. It gets to the point I sometimes get frustrated and tired with all 5 kids. Anyways I asked her if ever other weekend she could take kids with her mom so I can at least have a little bit of break and she kinda took it wrong. So I was just looking for insight on our situation since it caused a small argument. Her kids don't have a dad (he suicide) and basically the only other person that can watch them is her mom. I wanna be there for her and I want her to know she can count on me for anything but I also get frustrated sometimes especially on the weekends I have all of them and I want to be honest with her. So anyways, whoever was bored and read this thread please post your opinion or whatever on this, I really appreciate it. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You have tried blending a family *way* too early in your relationship and - yes - it is not fair to you to make you their guardian every weekend. Doesn't matter if it hurt; she needs to be responsible and not expect you to do so. This is why you should date for a full year before living together; to test these kind of waters and see if there are compatability issues (which it sounds like there might be or are starting to be). Got to put the breaks on it immediately, before it gets worse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 This is what you signed up for though. A blended family and if you two marry, her kids will be there all the time as you'll be their step dad and won't be able to drop her kids off at her mom's place. You two rushed into moving in together..A lot of responsibility has been put on you now due to her working hours and schedule. is it possible for her to change her hours so she isn't working all weekend? How old are her and your kids? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Even if you put it off 2, 3, 4 months, this is still the rality of your situation down the line... are you happy with that reality? What can you do about it if your not? Everything you need to know is in those two questions. If you continue things with this girl you don't have 3 kids, you have 5. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeNomad Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 hi everyone thanks for answering well I don't mind watching her kids occasionally its just sometimes I feel like I could use a break, and I understand they are part of "the package" so I do accept her and her kids, the main issue/concern is if maybe I was being too selfish in asking her to leave kids at her moms every other weekend. Weekdays I don't mind since its only 2 days out of the week and the other 2 she works, and weekends shes home from work I don't mind either since shes there, its just the one weekend she works where it gets hectic. I did sign up for the blended family deal, I purposely looked for a girl with kids so she would be understand of my situation also having kids and keeping minimal contact with their mom, I just didn't anticipate the extra workload it would case on those crazy weekends. Thanks to everyone who responded I hope you all have a wonderful day Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'd let her cool off before having this discussion again. I think, from her reaction, she knows its too much on you, but perhaps a little stressed trying to work around it. You have every right to feel like this. The last thing you want is building resentment. Perhaps you can both view it in a way, that you both could compromise. She was working this out, long before you got together. And you are only asking for a break, once and a while. Stay firm in what you want and is important to you. I work with kids, so, I completely understand your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 She got mad? You aren't the babysitter. She would make arrangements if she wasn't living with you, right? Her kids are not your responsibility! Your kids are! Please be sure when you have your kids that you are available for them. Does your GF pay you rent? Is it the going rate? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 May i suggest you both find it in the budget to have decompression time as adults. Hire a sitter, trade with neighbors for a few hours ( if they are trustworthy, reliable) . My family had step bro/ sis and there were times us kids wanted our parents out of the house:) theyd come back refreshed and not so stressed. Sounds like you just need to find alternative ways to work as a team... what are your goals in having this happen? How can you both work towards a schedule that is more shared? think, discuss,do. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) Your kids should be a bigger priority than the GF and her wishes. They need time alone with their Dad. Why would you allow her to move in when you hardly knew her? Edited April 1, 2015 by beach Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeNomad Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 thanks to everyone that replied, I accept her and her kids and I am aware its 5 kids now, its just the extra overload on weekends with her working and me having all 5 kids that I didn't anticipate, I was just wanting opinions if I was being unreasonable with asking every other weekend to take hers to her moms. To those that asked me questions, currently she is staying with me but not paying anything, I don't want her to pay anything so she doesn't feel "entitled" to stay or whatever you want to call it. Basically if either of us want out it would be easier this way, at least for now. We will take it a day at a time and let the relationship take its course for now. I did already let her know I would rather her take her kids every other weekend to her moms and she seemed cool with it this time..so far. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 So she lives there for free... Why don't you think she should pay you at least $1,000 a month? She's got her whole family living there for free. Tell her you need weekends with your kids only when they come. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 thanks to everyone that replied, I accept her and her kids and I am aware its 5 kids now, its just the extra overload on weekends with her working and me having all 5 kids that I didn't anticipate, I was just wanting opinions if I was being unreasonable with asking every other weekend to take hers to her moms. To those that asked me questions, currently she is staying with me but not paying anything, I don't want her to pay anything so she doesn't feel "entitled" to stay or whatever you want to call it. Basically if either of us want out it would be easier this way, at least for now. We will take it a day at a time and let the relationship take its course for now. I did already let her know I would rather her take her kids every other weekend to her moms and she seemed cool with it this time..so far. Thanks lifenomad, when time permits, would you kindly read my previous response and reply? hate to see an idea tossed to the side when its viable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeNomad Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Thank you Tayla and im sorry I didn't reply directly to you but I did read your response and indeed its what we need to do. I have no problem with the blended family idea and when its both of us together its easier its just that every other weekend that she works where it gets hectic for me Link to post Share on other sites
BlackHat Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 met a girl about 5 months ago things moved smooth and quick which neither of us mind, she moved in and has 2 kids and this is the situation It breaks my heart that I must censor myself because I have been told that otherwise I will be suspended. You are doing something really wrong, and as much as I would love to write to you about what it is in public so others could learn and we could all have an honest discussion between adults, I can only provide you my advice in private form because God forbid that truth and honesty could hurt the sensitivity of some. So I will write you something privately, and good luck to you pal. You are going to need it. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 So you two are making a home together with her kids and your kids, and because of that, you're pretty much acting as a married couple, right? But now you're asking that her kids leave their home when she's not there to take care of them. Do you think it's fair that they might be put out of their home every other weekend? Do you think those kids (if they're old enough to comprehend what's going on) would view that in a positive light? They won't. They'll think, "Time to go to grandma's again because his real kids are coming over." That's not nice. You don't get to exclude them like that. It gets to the point I sometimes get frustrated and tired with all 5 kids. You invited/allowed them into your home, knowing the situation with the kids. If you've made a mistake and want to back out now, please do it in the kindest, most caring way and leave them in a good position to move on from you. Anyways I asked her if ever other weekend she could take kids with her mom so I can at least have a little bit of break and she kinda took it wrong. Can you elaborate on how "she kinda took it wrong"? If what you're saying is that she got kind of pissed off that you would even suggest that, I can understand where she's coming from. I wanna be there for her and I want her to know she can count on me for anything but I also get frustrated sometimes especially on the weekends I have all of them and I want to be honest with her. She actually can't count on you, because your solution to the problem you created is to make her kids go elsewhere. You should have gone to her and told her that you were feeling overwhelmed and that you can't handle all of the kids and you two could have figured something out. Instead, you came up with a solution on your own that only works for you but is not at all ideal for her or her kids. You can't do that. You and her are partners now. You make decisions together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 thanks to everyone that replied, I accept her and her kids and I am aware its 5 kids now, its just the extra overload on weekends with her working and me having all 5 kids that I didn't anticipate, I was just wanting opinions if I was being unreasonable with asking every other weekend to take hers to her moms. To those that asked me questions, currently she is staying with me but not paying anything, I don't want her to pay anything so she doesn't feel "entitled" to stay or whatever you want to call it. Basically if either of us want out it would be easier this way, at least for now. We will take it a day at a time and let the relationship take its course for now. I did already let her know I would rather her take her kids every other weekend to her moms and she seemed cool with it this time..so far. The above bolded sounds like you two are just trying out this arrangement to see how it goes. That would be fine if it was just the two of you but now you have involved all of these innocent children who need stability and security. You don't live with someone and bring them into your children's lives on a full time basis until you and your romantic interest are already at the point of making a serious commitment. How do you think all of these poor kids feel about this situation? Her kids are being left with mom's current squeeze which could change at anytime apparently, and your kids who probably don't get enough time with you as it is, now have to share you with other kids. I feel bad for all of them. I think the right way to progress would be to have the mom move out and you two properly date each other for a year or two while you each have minimal involvement with each other's kids. If you reach a point where you feel like you could spend your life with each other, then you integrate the kids. What you two are doing right now is not healthy and it's not good for the children. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 When does your girlfriend watch yours kids? If she's watching yours for you too, then it's a fair trade. If not, I agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 The above bolded sounds like you two are just trying out this arrangement to see how it goes. That would be fine if it was just the two of you but now you have involved all of these innocent children who need stability and security. You don't live with someone and bring them into your children's lives on a full time basis until you and your romantic interest are already at the point of making a serious commitment. How do you think all of these poor kids feel about this situation? Her kids are being left with mom's current squeeze which could change at anytime apparently, and your kids who probably don't get enough time with you as it is, now have to share you with other kids. I feel bad for all of them. I think the right way to progress would be to have the mom move out and you two properly date each other for a year or two while you each have minimal involvement with each other's kids. If you reach a point where you feel like you could spend your life with each other, then you integrate the kids. What you two are doing right now is not healthy and it's not good for the children. Quoted for truth. I'm wondering why this arrangement wasn't discussed prior to her moving in with you. You had to see this one coming. These kids are paying the price for foolish decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeNomad Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 thanks to everyone again that replied Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) This woman should not be living for free while you watch her kids period. After only five months shes managed to move in with you and have you provide for her. Very unhealthy Edited April 9, 2015 by Omei Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) You have tried blending a family *way* too early in your relationship and - yes - it is not fair to you to make you their guardian every weekend. Doesn't matter if it hurt; she needs to be responsible and not expect you to do so. This is why you should date for a full year before living together; to test these kind of waters and see if there are compatability issues (which it sounds like there might be or are starting to be). Got to put the breaks on it immediately, before it gets worse. To add to what Carrie said ... OP don't you find it odd that a woman who works these shifts and has a need of adult help in her life moved in so fast ? Because i sure as hell do. If you haven't figured it out yet ... she has pawned off her kids on your time and you fill 'that' need. This is probably not a relationship built on romantic love. As well ... her kids being there when you have time with your kids means you pay less attention to your own kids. In essence ... you are choosing some woman you just barely met [in the grand scheme of things] and her spawn over your own kids. Edited April 13, 2015 by Radu 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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