Emotional Affair, whats the point?

[nikki76]

Im trying to understand why someone would want to be in an emotional affair, but, not take it any further.

 

im in very low contact with mm. we've only been texting a few times. I went NC with him in December, and broke it a few weeks ago when he kept contacting me. He has no intention of being physical again (june was the last time). I think he's perfectly happy with just the texting as communication.

 

i know this is still considered an affair. But I'm so addicted to the way he makes me feel. But on the other hand, the fact that he doesnt want to be physical again, is a huge bash to my already messed up ego.

 

 

 

Ive been trying to do stuff to build my self worth, so I wouldnt have to find it from bad places. im having a really hard time though.

 

while in NC, H and i were doing so good. But now, H is so preoccupied with a house project, that i feel like Ive been pushed aside. So, like before, I've put mm on a pedestal. And i know, this is so wrong.

 

 

 

My therapist said she won't meet with me anymore if I'm still in contact with him, it would be like an alcoholic bringing liquor to an AA meeting. so i know i have to end this.

 

I'm so angry with myself that I broke my NC.

 

Im confused on why he wouldnt want to take it any further. it makes me feel that I'm not good enough for even a fling.

 

Im kinda all over the place in this post, but I guess Im looking for the harsh truth to help me get my head out of the clouds.

[d0nnivain]

You are doing this because like the alcoholic you are dependent. Just stop. Get his # out of your phone. Block him on social media. Make it hard for you to get in touch with him. It's kind of like throwing out the liquor bottles.

 

 

I suspect many EAs start because one spouse wants somebody to talk to & who pays attention to them.

[nikki76]

You are doing this because like the alcoholic you are dependent. Just stop. Get his # out of your phone. Block him on social media. Make it hard for you to get in touch with him. It's kind of like throwing out the liquor bottles.

 

 

I suspect many EAs start because one spouse wants somebody to talk to & who pays attention to them.

 

ive tried blocking him. But I can't block his #, unless i contact the phone company. (our spouses don't know about the A) Email, i could just forward it to another folder. I did block him from social media. WHen i went NC, he was calling my H on an almost daily basis (they are "friends") and i think thats what made me crack. I was paranoid, and it made it so much harder to get him out of my head.

 

I totally believe that i have an addiction. I have a whole new look on addicts now. sometimes it seems impossible to kick this horrible habit.

[jbrent890]

Nikki, multiple posters told you this would happen. You got defensive and you called us names, but we all predicted this. Sooner or later you are going to get caught. I'm sorry but you haven't changed. To answer your question, I think a large part of it is the guilt your AP is feeling. He screwed his friend's wife after all. I think this is safe for him. Get his emotional kibbles in without the guilt of screwing you. At this point Nikki, I really think it is going to take you getting caught to change.

[nikki76]

Nikki, multiple posters told you this would happen. you became defensive and you called us names, but we all predicted this. Sooner or later you are going to get caught. I'm sorry but you haven't changed. To answer your question, I think a large part of it is the guilt your AP is feeling. He screwed his friend's wife after all. I think this is safe for him. Get his emotional kibbles in without the guilt of screwing you. At this point Nikki, I really think it is going to take you getting caught to change.

 

I agree, I havent changed. i thought i did during NC, but with mm constantly making himself present, I felt trapped and it was keeping me from being able to move forward.

 

I dont remember me name calling anyone, but I know I did get defensive. I haven't posted in a long time, because I knew I would get shreaded apart. I'm not here to start any arguments.

I really do want to rid this man from my life. I wish he would just go away. I know, coming clean would be the honest way, but I still dont want to, because Im still a coward and dont want to destory 9 lives, anymore then we already have.

[Decisiontomake]

Hey Nikki, we are both still going round in circles it would seem ;-). The one thing I wanted to pick up on though was the therapist comment about them not seeing you unless you stop -is that correct? If so, that's outrageous! A therapist is not there to judge, nor provide opinion as such. They are there to help you draw out of you what you need with appropriate tools. If my therapist judged me with some of my behavior over this last 12 months then I would never have managed all the great work with her, and on myself, that I have.

 

 

As for the texting with this guy - I get it - totally. You know I do. But what's the point? It's just making you question why he doesn't want to come round and rip your clothes off, for which there could be all sorts of reasons - guilt as one of the previous posters mentioned, as well as the other point they made regarding him getting his cake at the moment with the texts which will feel less risky/guilt inducing for him. You're getting far worse emotions out of it than good ones though. There has to be a correlation between your lack of contact with him and your M being better during that period, and now it being worse again when your contact with him has picked up. Not sure which feeds the other - a bit chicken and egg - but there's a connection nonetheless.

 

 

Wish I had a magic wand. I'd use it on you and myself!

[privategal]

Nikki No judgement here, you will end it when you decide to, I don't think anyone can make you do that.

But for your husband, he might need you to tell him you feel pushed aside. He isn't consciously doing that per se he just is providing for the family and doesn't realize his work makes you feel low on the priority pole.

I think saying this was an excuse anyways, I don't think your husbands lack of attention was the driving force of breaking contact, its like you said, its the addicition.

 

When you break it off you need to say to AP:

I love my H, I have made horrible choices in going outside my marriage. I cannot have ANY contact with you in person, by email, phone or text. I want to work on my marriage, I want you to limit contact with my family for my sake, I need to be 100% done and for both of us to vow we will not be in touch at ALL ever again as I want to recommit to my husband and family before anyone gets hurt.

 

 

I would also ask him to make up an excuse to your H to have another contractor friend help step in and finish the house. He cant be there and continue to come over etc, for Gods sake is this the never ending renovation. Finish this all ready. Your starting over when you could've had a beautiful summer of new starts with your family and allowing the sunshine to heal you, now instead your going to be grieving in the summer like you did all winter. Sigh. You gotta get this out of your life.

Its wrecking your life. you had it ended. I wish for you that you hadn't started back. Subsequent NC is even more painful than first time around be warned its gonna HURT

[Lurkeraspect]

I agree, I havent changed. i thought i did during NC, but with mm constantly making himself present, I felt trapped and it was keeping me from being able to move forward.

 

I dont remember me name calling anyone, but I know I did get defensive. I haven't posted in a long time, because I knew I would get shreaded apart. I'm not here to start any arguments.

I really do want to rid this man from my life. I wish he would just go away. I know, coming clean would be the honest way, but I still dont want to, because Im still a coward and dont want to destory 9 lives, anymore then we already have.

 

I think in your situation, telling your husband is the ONLY way this ends. Have you tried telling the OM not to contact you (or your husband) again or you will tell your husband? That might work. But it really sounds like you don't want the contact to stop. I fear you're going to get caught and soon.

[whichwayisup]

Make yourself accountable and fight the urges, fight the addiction. Your own therapist will refuse to continue counseling with you if don't stop contacting and replying back to exMM. Why haven't you blocked him and made it impossible for him to reach you?

 

I can't remember, does your husband know of your affair? If not, tell him. If so, then tell him that you have slipped and in contact with exMM again. Be honest with him and yourself.

 

The reason why you're allowing this is because you haven't cut the cord yet with exMM. You are highly addicted to how he makes you feel.

 

Find your inner strength, courage and self respect.

[awkward]

I am sorry to hear you are back in an EA with MM. I have read a lot of your posts so I know that you are strong enough to end this. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH. Do it for yourself. Your self-esteem will just sink if you continue this.

 

Consider telling your husband the truth and start marital counseling so your marriage can have a chance. It will be horrible when your husband finds out another way.

[Sub]

You had a thread at one point where you agreed that the only way out was disclosure. You're hearing it from others again, and I think in your case it's still the only way out for you. At that time, if I remember, we discussed how the only way not disclosing would work is if you were able to weather the storm of the OM's consistent presence in your life and contact with your H. You haven't weathered that storm. It may be time to take steps toward coming clean.

[Ronnie33]

The addiction of an EA is just as hard to stop as a PA.

It gives him a high that satisfies him enough and keeps you there too.

 

Some people can stay with the EA for years without it crossing over to PA because for whatever reason that's connection is enough.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Clay]

I think your heading is really the issue. While you might really like this guy its clear you feel your not getting what you need from him. Maybe he does fear your husband or feel some regret or remorse. Maybe he just needs a push. Have you considered telling your H and just leaving him. Maybe then your OM would feel your free for him and he would pursue a relationship with you? Even if you don't want to come clean with your H then why not just leave him and move on so you and the OM can have a real relationship?

 

Clay

[Josmatjes]

Hey Nikki, you know I support you always. But you know that I stopped the texting w mm because it turned into ea and it was unhealthy. I feel better now.

 

I know you can rip this bandaid off but I think you need to tell him that e cannot contact you anymore and that you are recommitting yourself to your marriage. Take your power back!!????

[nikki76]

Hey Nikki, we are both still going round in circles it would seem ;-). The one thing I wanted to pick up on though was the therapist comment about them not seeing you unless you stop -is that correct? If so, that's outrageous! A therapist is not there to judge, nor provide opinion as such. They are there to help you draw out of you what you need with appropriate tools. If my therapist judged me with some of my behavior over this last 12 months then I would never have managed all the great work with her, and on myself, that I have.

 

 

As for the texting with this guy - I get it - totally. You know I do. But what's the point? It's just making you question why he doesn't want to come round and rip your clothes off, for which there could be all sorts of reasons - guilt as one of the previous posters mentioned, as well as the other point they made regarding him getting his cake at the moment with the texts which will feel less risky/guilt inducing for him. You're getting far worse emotions out of it than good ones though. There has to be a correlation between your lack of contact with him and your M being better during that period, and now it being worse again when your contact with him has picked up. Not sure which feeds the other - a bit chicken and egg - but there's a connection nonetheless.

 

 

Wish I had a magic wand. I'd use it on you and myself!

 

Thank you for your input. Yes, the therapist said if I continue to have him in my life she will no longer meet with me. I'm not really sure how i feel about that. im beginning to think she might not be the best therapist for me. Shes mentioned before, that her father was a serial cheater and so was her ex husband. And everytime I bring up my A, she seems to get judgemental. This is my second therapist.

[nikki76]

I think your heading is really the issue. While you might really like this guy its clear you feel your not getting what you need from him. Maybe he does fear your husband or feel some regret or remorse. Maybe he just needs a push. Have you considered telling your H and just leaving him. Maybe then your OM would feel your free for him and he would pursue a relationship with you? Even if you don't want to come clean with your H then why not just leave him and move on so you and the OM can have a real relationship?

 

Clay

 

We never had any intentions to leave our spouses. He is also married, and of course, he's staying in his marriage for his kids. But even if I did leave, I would never consider a real relationship with him.

[sunburned]

 

When you break it off you need to say to AP:

I love my H, I have made horrible choices in going outside my marriage. I cannot have ANY contact with you in person, by email, phone or text. I want to work on my marriage, I want you to limit contact with my family for my sake, I need to be 100% done and for both of us to vow we will not be in touch at ALL ever again as I want to recommit to my husband and family before anyone gets hurt.

 

 

I would also ask him to make up an excuse to your H to have another contractor friend help step in and finish the house. He cant be there and continue to come over etc, for Gods sake is this the never ending renovation. Finish this all ready. Your starting over when you could've had a beautiful summer of new starts with your family and allowing the sunshine to heal you, now instead your going to be grieving in the summer like you did all winter. Sigh. You gotta get this out of your life.

Its wrecking your life. you had it ended. I wish for you that you hadn't started back. Subsequent NC is even more painful than first time around be warned its gonna HURT

 

Nikki, very sorry to hear you're back in contact. I thought you were doing so well and giving good advice to other posters. privategal makes a good point. I seem to recall you just went NC with your AP. No explanation, no final goodbye. With this guy, however, you need to make it clear you value your marriage, you want to work on it and you want no more contact. You left the door open a crack all this time by not spelling it out. Time to slam it shut.

 

I loved having an EA. What's better than having someone tell you how awesome you are all the time?? But your complaints are precisely why NC is so wise. When we decide to end an A, any sort of "next act" is tough to pull off because you always want more. So many posters in an EA said they had a hard time just being friends because there is no more daily "good morning, beautiful," or "I wish I met you first." Now you're back in the EA, but you want a PA and are second-guessing your value because this inconsiderate cheater doesn't want to have sex with you. If it makes you feel better, take solace is knowing he is clearly sexually attracted to you. But it shouldn't matter because you are done and focusing on your marriage. Right?!?!

 

BTW, as long as you're playing his game (and you are), he will never finish your endless renovation.

[MissBee]

Im trying to understand why someone would want to be in an emotional affair, but, not take it any further.

 

im in very low contact with mm. we've only been texting a few times. I went NC with him in December, and broke it a few weeks ago when he kept contacting me. He has no intention of being physical again (june was the last time). I think he's perfectly happy with just the texting as communication.

 

i know this is still considered an affair. But I'm so addicted to the way he makes me feel. But on the other hand, the fact that he doesnt want to be physical again, is a huge bash to my already messed up ego.

 

 

 

Ive been trying to do stuff to build my self worth, so I wouldnt have to find it from bad places. im having a really hard time though.

 

while in NC, H and i were doing so good. But now, H is so preoccupied with a house project, that i feel like Ive been pushed aside. So, like before, I've put mm on a pedestal. And i know, this is so wrong.

 

 

 

My therapist said she won't meet with me anymore if I'm still in contact with him, it would be like an alcoholic bringing liquor to an AA meeting. so i know i have to end this.

 

I'm so angry with myself that I broke my NC.

 

Im confused on why he wouldnt want to take it any further. it makes me feel that I'm not good enough for even a fling.

 

Im kinda all over the place in this post, but I guess Im looking for the harsh truth to help me get my head out of the clouds.

 

You already answered your own question. You reached out to MM and text him because you are addicted to how he makes you feel. That is a BIG deal in affairs. We're emotional and physical creatures, most affairs are not just about the physical, but about how the person makes you feel, what that communication does for you, feeling cared for by the attention you get through texts, emails, calls (these also occupy your time and are a feel good distraction) etc. So that is why many people have emotional affairs.

 

A major thing too is that some married folks feel like if it is not physical it is not really an affair, as silly as this is, so think that if they can get the feel good feelings and delude themselves that it is "just friends" then it's not as bad as when you're undeniably having sex. So chances are, this man feels guilty about a physical affair but can rationalize the EA as not so bad or not bad at all, hence his willingness to get the attention and feel good aspect of the emotional side with less guilt about the physical.

 

As you already know putting your self worth into men will leave you empty as your worth will increase and decrease based on how they treat you and everything they do, even if it is unrelated to you, you'll internalize as being about you....that cannot be where your self worth comes from. I'm not saying your husband should ignore you for household projects but I'm not sure if his inattention is truly inattentive or that you are someone who needs constant attention because that's who you derive worth so the minute the men in your life have other interests you feel abandoned and seek it else where. If that's the case you definitely need to work on it 'cause again, NO MAN, not MM, not your husband etc can attend to you 24/7, 365 and they will have different moods and desires and if your entire worth is hinged on how they perceive you, it will constantly ebb and flow.

[gettingstronger]

You project quite a bit "he's staying for his kids", etc...

 

I am wondering if maybe you could take time to do things that benefit others rather than yourself if you would find some fulfillment- can you help your husband in some way on the home project, what about your kids-plan some day trips for them, take care of projects around the house, etc..

 

I think when you focus inward on just your needs it leaves you empty- there is fulfillment outside of yourself and it can be quite rewarding-

[irishguy]

Well it does look like you want to be caught , and it will happen eventually . If you cant stop yourself , you need to do without a phone for a few weeks or even months ,Just turn it off and give it someone to put away

[jbrent890]

You already answered your own question. You reached out to MM and text him because you are addicted to how he makes you feel. That is a BIG deal in affairs. We're emotional and physical creatures, most affairs are not just about the physical, but about how the person makes you feel, what that communication does for you, feeling cared for by the attention you get through texts, emails, calls (these also occupy your time and are a feel good distraction) etc. So that is why many people have emotional affairs.

 

A major thing too is that some married folks feel like if it is not physical it is not really an affair, as silly as this is, so think that if they can get the feel good feelings and delude themselves that it is "just friends" then it's not as bad as when you're undeniably having sex. So chances are, this man feels guilty about a physical affair but can rationalize the EA as not so bad or not bad at all, hence his willingness to get the attention and feel good aspect of the emotional side with less guilt about the physical.

 

As you already know putting your self worth into men will leave you empty as your worth will increase and decrease based on how they treat you and everything they do, even if it is unrelated to you, you'll internalize as being about you....that cannot be where your self worth comes from. I'm not saying your husband should ignore you for household projects but I'm not sure if his inattention is truly inattentive or that you are someone who needs constant attention because that's who you derive worth so the minute the men in your life have other interests you feel abandoned and seek it else where. If that's the case you definitely need to work on it 'cause again, NO MAN, not MM, not your husband etc can attend to you 24/7, 365 and they will have different moods and desires and if your entire worth is hinged on how they perceive you, it will constantly ebb and flow.

 

Hey Nikki, you know I support you always. But you know that I stopped the texting w mm because it turned into ea and it was unhealthy. I feel better now.

 

I know you can rip this bandaid off but I think you need to tell him that e cannot contact you anymore and that you are recommitting yourself to your marriage. Take your power back!!????

 

But isn't that the exact same advice she has been given here for months. The reason why it is not going to work is because this guy is a fixture in her life. He is not going anywhere, which he has made abundantly clear. She pulls away, he just becomes an even better friend to her husband. Sadly, Nikki couldn't have picked a worse person to have an affair with. Not only is he good friends with her husband, he lives down the street. Nikki IMO, you have 4 realistic options here. 1) Move 2) Convince your husband to drop him as a friend 3) Confess 4) Get Caught. Not what you want to hear, but I dont see a future where your husband doesn't find this out.

[nikki76]

You project quite a bit "he's staying for his kids", etc...

 

I am wondering if maybe you could take time to do things that benefit others rather than yourself if you would find some fulfillment- can you help your husband in some way on the home project, what about your kids-plan some day trips for them, take care of projects around the house, etc..

 

I think when you focus inward on just your needs it leaves you empty- there is fulfillment outside of yourself and it can be quite rewarding-

 

Thats a really good point. I have been doing stuff for myself, started going to school, training for a marathon, joined a book club, yet.....I still feel so, so empty inside. I dont know why, but I feel like I have no self worth unless someone is telling me how pretty I am or how they are proud of me for doing whatever it is. And even then, I dont believe them.. still trying to figure this out in therapy. I'm sure it has to do with something from my past.

 

 

Your suggestions sound wonderful. Yes, I could probably find ways to help my H with the house project. And now that summer is soon approaching, planning some activities with my 3 daughters. Instead of focusing on going in circles with this pointless "EA".

 

thank you for your suggestions!

[nikki76]

Well it does look like you want to be caught , and it will happen eventually . If you cant stop yourself , you need to do without a phone for a few weeks or even months ,Just turn it off and give it someone to put away

 

I dont want to get caught. I have thought about getting rid of my smart phone and just switching back to a good old fashioned flip phone. The internet is very addicting for me. My H points that out to me all the time.

[nikki76]

But isn't that the exact same advice she has been given here for months. The reason why it is not going to work is because this guy is a fixture in her life. He is not going anywhere, which he has made abundantly clear. She pulls away, he just becomes an even better friend to her husband. Sadly, Nikki couldn't have picked a worse person to have an affair with. Not only is he good friends with her husband, he lives down the street. Nikki IMO, you have 4 realistic options here. 1) Move 2) Convince your husband to drop him as a friend 3) Confess 4) Get Caught. Not what you want to hear, but I dont see a future where your husband doesn't find this out.

 

I know exactly what I need to do, but for some reason I cant rip that band aid off. When I went NC, I felt like I had some power. But like you said, he became a fixture in our lives. Thats what makes it so hard to stick with the NC. He was the absolute worst choice of an affair partner. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat.

It breaks my heart that this man can continue to pretend like he's friends with my husband. I dont understand how he can show no remorse.

I know what I did was wrong. And ive been trying so hard to make things right with my husband. To show him how much I appreciate him and to be more affectionate with him.

But with mm in our lives , it seems impossible to completely move on.

I know most will say you cant move on unless everything is out in the open, I get that and I agree with that. But I am afraid of what he would do if he found out.

 

There is a dad at my daughter's preschool that is always asking me to meet him for coffee, etc. I told my H about this and he is in detective mode. When he picks her up at school, he'll try to figure out who it is, he'll sneak a picture of who he thinks it might be and text it to me.he wants to confront them. I wont tell him who it is. I cant even imagine what he would do if he found out about AP..

 

My only other way to rid him would be to someway convince H to drop him as a friend. I just dont know how I would do that.

 

So basically ive destroyed my entire life for a few booty calls and some sexting sessions.

[DKT3]

I know exactly what I need to do, but for some reason I cant rip that band aid off. When I went NC, I felt like I had some power. But like you said, he became a fixture in our lives. Thats what makes it so hard to stick with the NC. He was the absolute worst choice of an affair partner. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat.

It breaks my heart that this man can continue to pretend like he's friends with my husband. I dont understand how he can show no remorse.

I know what I did was wrong. And ive been trying so hard to make things right with my husband. To show him how much I appreciate him and to be more affectionate with him.

But with mm in our lives , it seems impossible to completely move on.

I know most will say you cant move on unless everything is out in the open, I get that and I agree with that. But I am afraid of what he would do if he found out.

 

There is a dad at my daughter's preschool that is always asking me to meet him for coffee, etc. I told my H about this and he is in detective mode. When he picks her up at school, he'll try to figure out who it is, he'll sneak a picture of who he thinks it might be and text it to me.he wants to confront them. I wont tell him who it is. I cant even imagine what he would do if he found out about AP..

 

My only other way to rid him would be to someway convince H to drop him as a friend. I just dont know how I would do that.

 

So basically ive destroyed my entire life for a few booty calls and some sexting sessions.

 

When, not if, your husband finds out its going to break his heart and likely create a major rage in him that you've allowed this guy to play the role of friend while you've been involved.

 

This won't end because you don't want it to. When he is around in your mind its some twisted game where he is around your husband to be close to you. Maybe he is, or maybe he is trying to rub your husbands nose in the fact that he can have a go at his wife on command.

 

Ill be honest, this is one of the most disrespectful things I've seen here. You've have pretty much done every thing that men fear their wives would do.

 

All is left is to get caught, and thrown out. I honestly can't see how your husband would ever forgive this, just my opinion.