Emotional Affair, whats the point?

[whichwayisup]

I dont want to get caught. I have thought about getting rid of my smart phone and just switching back to a good old fashioned flip phone. The internet is very addicting for me. My H points that out to me all the time.

 

Then do it. Get a flip phone and change your number while you're at it.

So basically ive destroyed my entire life for a few booty calls and some sexting sessions

 

Yet it's still not enough for you to go complete NC with him and end it once and for all.

[nikki76]

When, not if, your husband finds out its going to break his heart and likely create a major rage in him that you've allowed this guy to play the role of friend while you've been involved.

 

This won't end because you don't want it to. When he is around in your mind its some twisted game where he is around your husband to be close to you. Maybe he is, or maybe he is trying to rub your husbands nose in the fact that he can have a go at his wife on command.

 

Ill be honest, this is one of the most disrespectful things I've seen here. You've have pretty much done every thing that men fear their wives would do.

 

All is left is to get caught, and thrown out. I honestly can't see how your husband would ever forgive this, just my opinion.

 

I know what ive done is probably the worst thing someone could do their spouse. Especially, since my H did nothing to deserve this.

 

I do want it to end. I hate what my life as become and it just keeps going downhill. Its just fighting the addiction is so hard for me. I dont think anyone could understand that, unless they have been through the addiction.

 

And youre right, I know he would never forgive me. And thats one of the reasons I choose not to tell him. My husband would never do anything to disrespect anyone. People look up to him and adore and respect him. And I could lose that in an instant. I just didnt realize this about him, until recently, until after I had betrayed him.

[Sub]

There is a dad at my daughter's preschool that is always asking me to meet him for coffee, etc. I told my H about this and he is in detective mode. When he picks her up at school, he'll try to figure out who it is, he'll sneak a picture of who he thinks it might be and text it to me.he wants to confront them. I wont tell him who it is. I cant even imagine what he would do if he found out about AP..

 

You have to understand this could kind of drive him nuts, the fact that the guy asked you for coffee AND the fact that you won't give him a name. Why tell him at all if you're not going to disclose who it was? It appears that you want the jealousy from him - to see that he cares - but not the impending drama that it could bring. But things don't just end neatly like that. Did you maybe think that by telling him you would create the illusion that you'd be upfront and honest with him about other guys, to kind of throw him off the scent in a way. Now he feels a certain amount of safety with you when it comes to this sort of thing, and would be less likely to think you would stray.

[Denton2406]

I know the feeling, some guys just seem to want an emotional/ text / phone affair and to not actually meet up. On and off for almost 2 years I have been incontact with a married man that I met on a night out but whenever I push tomeet up he never takes me up on it (he’s not a Catfish!) He messaged me this week to say that he wouldbe working in my area for 2 days (he lives about an hour away), and we arrangedto meet up, but on the actual day when I pushed for a time he avoided thequestion and went awol and I haven’t heard from him since. Ithink this is now the final nail in the coffin as I am fed up with the highsand lows, of feeling good when they contact you, and then feeling bad when theysuddenly drop you. why contact me to say he's going to be in the area and then ignore me! I am single myself, time to get out of this I think, he is full of empty promises!

[nikki76]

You have to understand this could kind of drive him nuts, the fact that the guy asked you for coffee AND the fact that you won't give him a name. Why tell him at all if you're not going to disclose who it was? It appears that you want the jealousy from him - to see that he cares - but not the impending drama that it could bring. But things don't just end neatly like that. Did you maybe think that by telling him you would create the illusion that you'd be upfront and honest with him about other guys, to kind of throw him off the scent in a way. Now he feels a certain amount of safety with you when it comes to this sort of thing, and would be less likely to think you would stray.

 

Usually when I tell him that a guy approachs me, or he has even seen men approach me, it has never bothered him. So to me, it feels like my husband doesnt care about me. So I guess I wanted to see if he would get jealous about this dad. At first he didnt, so I kept giving him more details. And maybe subconsciously I was also egging on the situation to see how he would react if I were to ever confess.

[Blu72]

Nikki - you really need deep counseling for all these insecurities that make you do all these things. It's not going to get any better till you work on the things that keep you in this constant degredation of your life.

[nikki76]

I know the feeling, some guys just seem to want an emotional/ text / phone affair and to not actually meet up. On and off for almost 2 years I have been incontact with a married man that I met on a night out but whenever I push tomeet up he never takes me up on it (he’s not a Catfish!) He messaged me this week to say that he wouldbe working in my area for 2 days (he lives about an hour away), and we arrangedto meet up, but on the actual day when I pushed for a time he avoided thequestion and went awol and I haven’t heard from him since. Ithink this is now the final nail in the coffin as I am fed up with the highsand lows, of feeling good when they contact you, and then feeling bad when theysuddenly drop you. why contact me to say he's going to be in the area and then ignore me! I am single myself, time to get out of this I think, he is full of empty promises!

 

Yep...thats my AP exactly! ! I have even offered to pay for a hotel room several times and he'll act interested then he'll always have an excuse not too.

 

What a blow to the frikkin ego!!! For a women to be turned down by a man just floors me. And maybe thats my problem, I'm trying to win the "prize" and I havent been successful, so I'm going to keep making a fool of myself to try to get that prize. I dont know why we do this to ourselves. These men are all the same and us women allow them to keep playing these games.

 

You are single, you are worth so much more then this. Get out while you can. Get out before you are in over your head like me!

[Clay]

I think you want to get caught. I think that is probably the reason you chose such a looser in the first place. You said it yourself you would never leave your marriage for him. I am sure all you really want in the end is someone to love you like you love them but the way your going about it is never going to work for you. If you wont invest in yourself then why should anyone else invest in you.

 

Get out of your marriage and drop the looser (AP). Get yourself into counseling. Take time to deal with the issues inside of you. Learn to be happy without needing someone there. Once you are there you will know it. Then you can move on and have a real relationship with someone. Anything less than that is a joke.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh but I just don't understand why people put themselves into these situations and just hope that things will magically be better.

 

Clay

[awkward]

I too think that subconsciously you want to get caught. By making your husband jealous it caused him to start investigating. It is just a matter of time until he gets to the phone records.

 

He is not your husband's friend. He is slowly sticking the knife in him. And you rock back and forth from watching with your mouth open in shock to helping him stick it in a little further.

 

One thing I noticed is that many betrayed spouses agree to work out the issues in the marriage and at least try. But the lying seems to kill their desire to even try and reconcile.

 

You are getting further and further away from being able to save your marriage if caught. I do hope you can work through this.

 

Maybe try and find another therapist. You don't need men to validate you. You know you are strong, beautiful, smart, etc. You just need to believe it.

[nikki76]

I think you want to get caught. I think that is probably the reason you chose such a looser in the first place. You said it yourself you would never leave your marriage for him. I am sure all you really want in the end is someone to love you like you love them but the way your going about it is never going to work for you. If you wont invest in yourself then why should anyone else invest in you.

 

Get out of your marriage and drop the looser (AP). Get yourself into counseling. Take time to deal with the issues inside of you. Learn to be happy without needing someone there. Once you are there you will know it. Then you can move on and have a real relationship with someone. Anything less than that is a joke.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh but I just don't understand why people put themselves into these situations and just hope that things will magically be better.

 

Clay

 

I want people to be harsh and I truly appreciate yours and everyones input. I have no one I can go to anymore for advice on this.

 

I dont see how you think I want to get caught. If I wanted to get caught, wouldn't I have just told my husband in the first place?

You are right, I am looking for someone to love me like I love them. When my husband tells me he loves me or that I'm beautiful or whatever, I feel like he's just saying that out of obligation. But when mm tells me that, I feel he must mean it, because he doesnt HAVE to say it. This is how twisted my mind is.

 

I am in counseling, trying to work on my self esteem issues. I know its not going to magically get better. Ive been battling self worth issues my entire life. I wish it was as easy as weekly counseling, but there is still a lot of digging into my past for us to figure out why I am the way I am.

 

And regarding your statement about why people get themselves into these situations and hope it magically disappears....at least in my situation, I was so blinded by the attention and the fog, I didnt think there would ever be an end. I honestly thought, we could hide this secret affair forever and nothing bad would come of it. Boy was I wrong!!

[DKT3]

Yep...thats my AP exactly! ! I have even offered to pay for a hotel room several times and he'll act interested then he'll always have an excuse not too.

 

What a blow to the frikkin ego!!! For a women to be turned down by a man just floors me. And maybe thats my problem, I'm trying to win the "prize" and I havent been successful, so I'm going to keep making a fool of myself to try to get that prize. I dont know why we do this to ourselves. These men are all the same and us women allow them to keep playing these games.

 

You are single, you are worth so much more then this. Get out while you can. Get out before you are in over your head like me!

 

Comments like this is how I know you don't want this to be over. You are throwing yourself at this guy in a shameful manner, and looking for him to accept and follow thru as the only way to validate yourself. Him rejecting you over and over gives you that empty feeling.

 

BTW good faithful men turn down advances all the time.

 

This thing with this guy isn't about you, its about him proving to himself that he is alpha over your husband. "Look I can have his wife anytime I want, I'm better then him" your simply a pawn. I've told you this before. You were convinced it wasn't the case. It explains his actions that you seem to think is all about you.

[nikki76]

I too think that subconsciously you want to get caught. By making your husband jealous it caused him to start investigating. It is just a matter of time until he gets to the phone records.

 

He is not your husband's friend. He is slowly sticking the knife in him. And you rock back and forth from watching with your mouth open in shock to helping him stick it in a little further.

 

One thing I noticed is that many betrayed spouses agree to work out the issues in the marriage and at least try. But the lying seems to kill their desire to even try and reconcile.

 

You are getting further and further away from being able to save your marriage if caught. I do hope you can work through this.

 

Maybe try and find another therapist. You don't need men to validate you. You know you are strong, beautiful, smart, etc. You just need to believe it.

 

Youre right, by not telling my H, Im allowing AP to continue stabbing H in the back. Believe me, i hate it and it kills me.

 

I'm beginning to think maybe I might need to find another therapist too. When I bring up AP, she gets frustrated with me and seems to change to topic. Her father and ex husband were cheaters too. I dont know if that has anything to do with it. Ive even cancelled some of my appointments after I got back in touch with AP, because I knew she would be angry.

 

I dont need men to validate me, but like you said, I just need to truly believe that.

[nikki76]

Comments like this is how I know you don't want this to be over. You are throwing yourself at this guy in a shameful manner, and looking for him to accept and follow thru as the only way to validate yourself. Him rejecting you over and over gives you that empty feeling.

 

BTW good faithful men turn down advances all the time.

 

This thing with this guy isn't about you, its about him proving to himself that he is alpha over your husband. "Look I can have his wife anytime I want, I'm better then him" your simply a pawn. I've told you this before. You were convinced it wasn't the case. It explains his actions that you seem to think is all about you.

 

I do want it to be over. I'm just too scared to deal with the pain and grief that comes with ending it.

Thats what I dont understand, I know this guy is rejecting me, but yet I keep throwing myself at him.

 

Maybe you are right about him proving to my husband that he is alpha over him. I actually forgot that you had mentioned that before. Looking at his actions, I can see that being the case. Maybe thats how and why he can sit in the same room as my husband and have normal conversations and not even feel one bit of guilt. Because in his mind, he's better then my husband.

 

This is why I posted on here. I dont get this kind of feedback from my therapist.

Edited April 1, 2015 by nikki76
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[Hope Shimmers]

I do want it to be over. I'm just too scared to deal with the pain and grief that comes with ending it.

Thats what I dont understand, I know this guy is rejecting me, but yet I keep throwing myself at him.

 

Maybe you are right about him proving to my husband that he is alpha over him. I actually forgot that you had mentioned that before. Looking at his actions, I can see that being the case. Maybe thats how and why he can sit in the same room as my husband and have normal conversations and not even feel one bit of guilt. Because in his mind, he's better then my husband.

 

This is why I posted on here. I dont get this kind of feedback from my therapist.

 

The first thing you need to do is find a new therapist. She's avoiding the subject of your AP? And (from your original post) she refuses to even see you if you are still in contact with him? What possible use is she to you if she avoids the entire problem?

 

And why is it a knock to your ego because a married man won't sleep with you?

 

Your problem is self-esteem. You need to be validated physically and emotionally by men in order to feel confident and loved. I went back and read some of your old threads. One that struck me was something like "I ended one of my affairs" and I'm thinking... "ONE of her affairs?!?" Seems that you wanted to end this primary affair and in doing so, you took on a second one so that you would not be without this validation even for a little while.

 

Seriously... find a new therapist because you need to work on why you need this in your life, and that comes from within you. Until you do this, your current A won't end, and even if it does, you will be in another one shortly. Best to you -

[jsmart]

Your BH is working on making your home beautiful for you and your 3 girls but that type of proof of his love doesn't make you tingle It appears that only words of lust work on you.

 

In an earlier post you mentioned that after you lost a lot of weight your husband didn't change toward you. He treated you the same but another way to see it was that when you were fat he stayed true to you even though as a cop he must have sooo many opportunities to cheat. That's because he loves the inner you as well as the mother of his 3 daughters.

 

But As soon as you got "hot" you had to test the waters. So you end up cheating with the help, who happens to be your husbands "friend." Even that was not enough so you go online to find a stranger to have sex with.

 

My heart hurts for your betrayed husband and your 3 innocent daughters. It's only a matter of time before text is seen or body language to between you and the AP cause suspicion.

[nikki76]

The first thing you need to do is find a new therapist. She's avoiding the subject of your AP? And (from your original post) she refuses to even see you if you are still in contact with him? What possible use is she to you if she avoids the entire problem?

 

And why is it a knock to your ego because a married man won't sleep with you?

 

Your problem is self-esteem. You need to be validated physically and emotionally by men in order to feel confident and loved. I went back and read some of your old threads. One that struck me was something like "I ended one of my affairs" and I'm thinking... "ONE of her affairs?!?" Seems that you wanted to end this primary affair and in doing so, you took on a second one so that you would not be without this validation even for a little while.

 

Seriously... find a new therapist because you need to work on why you need this in your life, and that comes from within you. Until you do this, your current A won't end, and even if it does, you will be in another one shortly. Best to you -

 

Its a knock to my ego because I am much younger and much prettier then his wife, that hates having sex with him. I love sex and for him to turn me down makes me feel like im not worth anything. Hes not even that attractive. I just have him on this stupid pedestal. I know that sounds so cruel, but its the way I feel.

 

And yes, I was out of control when i tried ending it with him last year (one of my many attempts) I couldnt deal with the pain, so I went on AM and began an A with another man that lived out of state. He was so ugly, imagine George Costanza 30 years ago...but yet, I still needed that validation from another man. Its disgusting that I would even consider doing that. Makes me cringe even thinking about him.

 

I know, my story is crazy and out of control. Im trying to figure this all out. I thought I had some control over this, but now that I broke NC, my mind is spinning in circles again.

[irishguy]

Do you even care for your husband at all .Honestly think about it ,all you talk about is the other guy not hooking up with you anymore .

[Lurkeraspect]

Its a knock to my ego because I am much younger and much prettier then his wife, that hates having sex with him. I love sex and for him to turn me down makes me feel like im not worth anything. Hes not even that attractive. I just have him on this stupid pedestal. I know that sounds so cruel, but its the way I feel.

 

And yes, I was out of control when i tried ending it with him last year (one of my many attempts) I couldnt deal with the pain, so I went on AM and began an A with another man that lived out of state. He was so ugly, imagine George Costanza 30 years ago...but yet, I still needed that validation from another man. Its disgusting that I would even consider doing that. Makes me cringe even thinking about him.

 

I know, my story is crazy and out of control. Im trying to figure this all out. I thought I had some control over this, but now that I broke NC, my mind is spinning in circles again.

 

What do you do all day? Do you work? Have hobbies? I believe you have kids, yet you spend so much time and headspace analyzing this nasty MOM and his motives. Now here, you take it a step further and dog out his BS, she's not as pretty as you, is older, doesn't like sex, blah blah. And you feel this is a know U to your fragile ego.

 

You'll be right back in an affair, either with this guy or you'll be on AM scoping out your next fix. And it is a fix. You're like an addict. You constantly crave attention and your only validation comes from strangers using you. Yet you have a husband who adores you, and you couldn't care less. It's not enough. Guess what, it'll never be enough.

 

You need to find a new therapist today. And before you make an appointment, you need to tell them about your multiple affairs and your bottom feeding, low self esteem. Until you fix these things in you, you'll just wander from affair to affair, living an unauthentic life and wreaking havoc in your wake.

 

You are a ticking time bomb. You WILL be found out, you will likely destroy your like, your marriage and your family.

[whichwayisup]

Youre right, by not telling my H, Im allowing AP to continue stabbing H in the back. Believe me, i hate it and it kills me.

 

I'm beginning to think maybe I might need to find another therapist too. When I bring up AP, she gets frustrated with me and seems to change to topic. Her father and ex husband were cheaters too. I dont know if that has anything to do with it. Ive even cancelled some of my appointments after I got back in touch with AP, because I knew she would be angry.

 

I dont need men to validate me, but like you said, I just need to truly believe that.

 

Yes you should find another therapist, this one you go to now seems to not be objective. You are paying her and she shouldn't be getting frustrated with you and changing the subject, let alone let you know about her personal life, hence it affecting how she relates to you. So unprofessional!

[gettingstronger]

You mention being prettier than the wife, you also mention losing weight. Is it possible your problem isn't with men, but with women. Do you feel competitive with other women. Do you mentally make note of who you are better looking than in a group? Did you feel excluded by other women when you were younger? Was high school a difficult time? Perhaps these are things you can explore in therapy. You seem way out of control in your need for validation. Hope you can figure out why before this all blows up.

[Sassy Girl]

Nikki. Be fair. Your husband deserves better. Truly.

 

Let him go.

[MuddyFootprints]

What you are most afraid of is facing the consequences of your actions. You truly have no concept of reality at this point. You're a hot mess.

 

Get a new counselor. ASAP

[Hope Shimmers]

Nikki, I give you lots of credit for being on here and posting many threads way back through early to mid 2014 with this issue. It has to be hard to hear what a lot of people are saying, yet you keep on posting and being honest. That honesty is good and it means you recognize this is wrong and you want to change. That is HUGE. Lots of people never get to that point.

 

What you do from here on out may very well dictate whether you lose your entire life as you now know it, or not. You do not have to be this person anymore. Clearly you don't want to be, or you would not be posting here seeking help.

 

The thing is, you need more help than anyone here can offer. You are not a bad person or hopeless cause by any means. You just need help, same as all of us do in our lives at one point or another. So that is why it is SO critical that you find another therapist and get to the bottom of why you are stuck like this.

 

I believe that what others have said is true - the confession of the affair to your husband needs to come from you. Coming from anyone else, I can't imagine how the marriage could survive. But if you can claw your way out of this, fix what is going on inside of you, and emerge a stronger person, and you tell him in that mindset and with complete resolve to do all you can to go forward with complete honesty, transparency, and with a goal to be 100% into your marriage - I think there is a chance.

 

Do you see the difference in those 2 scenarios - one where he finds out through his "friend" or some other way, and you're still pining away for AP; and the other where you have done work on yourself and fixed the issues that led you astray?

 

The likelihood that he will find out from your AP is high. It's not worth it to take that gamble, because even if somehow you escape that, you will be in the next affair because you haven't fixed the underlying problem. He will find out eventually. Your best shot at saving your family and marriage is to work on yourself and disclose. I believe you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to make those changes. You are the only one who can take that step.

[Josmatjes]

Do you see the difference in those 2 scenarios - one where he finds out through his "friend" or some other way, and you're still pining away for AP; and the other where you have done work on yourself and fixed the issues that led you astray?

 

 

This...... What hope shimmers said is what happened to me. I didn't get a chance to work on myself and end it on my own...it was a disaster and I'm still feeling the after effects...

[Josmatjes]

So this is what I think you should do....

 

Play it through in your head!

How do you see this ending?

What is the outcome going to be?

How will your husband react and hw will this effect your children?

 

Now picture living back at your parents cause your husband gets custody of the kids and the house.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you cause you know I'm here for you but it's time to really SEE what could happen. And you cannot rewind your life, trust me....