Sub Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Owning up to both A's at the same time may help everyone's cause here IMO. This isn't just about your A with your H's friend. It may be easier for your H to wrap his head around the heart of the issues - and potentially help you through them - if he's aware that it wasn't about leaving and being with his friend in the long run. (Maybe I'm wrong here, though.) Knowing that even that wasn't enough for you could help him understand that it wasn't really about him. Yes, there may have been issues in the M that both of you can work on. But I don't think that's what led you to stray. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 You mention being prettier than the wife, you also mention losing weight. Is it possible your problem isn't with men, but with women. Do you feel competitive with other women. Do you mentally make note of who you are better looking than in a group? Did you feel excluded by other women when you were younger? Was high school a difficult time? Perhaps these are things you can explore in therapy. You seem way out of control in your need for validation. Hope you can figure out why before this all blows up. These are great questions to bring up in counseling. its strange though, when we bring up things in my past, I barely remember ANYTHING. So it makes it hard. I do know that I hate being in groups of people, especially women. Because I pick out all of their great features and compare them to my flaws and I bash myself mentally. It makes me want to go hide in a corner because I feel everyone else is better then me. Someone could be 200 lbs heavier then me, but yet I'll point out in my head how beautiful their hair is (or whatever) and point out how terrible my hair is. I have done this for as long as I can remember. And I hate it. I just dont know how to control it. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Did you have a parent or family member who was verbally abusive or who made you feel inferior all the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Did you have a parent or family member who was verbally abusive or who made you feel inferior all the time? Not that I can remember. Growing up I was a bad kid. I hung around some really bad people. Most ended up in jail or found jobs in the "entertainment" industry, or dead. Surprisingly, i actually turned out to be the normal one.. And I was terrible to my mom. I would actually find it amusing to hit my own mother.. my dad worked alot and was never around. I wasnt sexually abused. My mom never gave up on me. It wasnt until I met my husband when I was 24, that i finally settled down and now my mom is my best friend. And i tell her all the time how sorry I am fornthe pain I caused her. Thats all I really remember about my past. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I think there may be something you have repressed. You keep saying you don't remember much about your past, this is a red flag at least to me anyway. Or maybe you are punishing yourself for the way you treated your mother and are continuing the behavior in your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 These are great questions to bring up in counseling. its strange though, when we bring up things in my past, I barely remember ANYTHING. So it makes it hard. I do know that I hate being in groups of people, especially women. Because I pick out all of their great features and compare them to my flaws and I bash myself mentally. It makes me want to go hide in a corner because I feel everyone else is better then me. Someone could be 200 lbs heavier then me, but yet I'll point out in my head how beautiful their hair is (or whatever) and point out how terrible my hair is. I have done this for as long as I can remember. And I hate it. I just dont know how to control it. Yet you point out how much younger and prettier you are than the OM's BW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Yet you point out how much younger and prettier you are than the OM's BW. The younger part is a fact. She used to be gorgeous. But in the past 5 years or so, she's completely let herself go. I'm not saying that because I'm full of myself, i am far from it. It actually makes me feel worse about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 These are great questions to bring up in counseling. its strange though, when we bring up things in my past, I barely remember ANYTHING. So it makes it hard. I do know that I hate being in groups of people, especially women. Because I pick out all of their great features and compare them to my flaws and I bash myself mentally. It makes me want to go hide in a corner because I feel everyone else is better then me. Someone could be 200 lbs heavier then me, but yet I'll point out in my head how beautiful their hair is (or whatever) and point out how terrible my hair is. I have done this for as long as I can remember. And I hate it. I just dont know how to control it. Then write it down, any memories that you can recall in the moment, start a journal and put your thoughts on paper so you can bring it up in therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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