Dinner with a male friend & new relationship

[No_Go]

Well I guess the priority is obvious. I'm spending quality time with my new BF to see if we are a fit for a long-time partnership whereas with friends it is more for the joy of sharing activities / conversations together, but without the expectations of the interpersonal relationship with them to develop.

 

or should that be spend time with the BF without the friend tagging along?

one tags along, the other is the cenral figure

i just switched around the priority

[darkmoon]

Well I guess the priority is obvious. I'm spending quality time with my new BF to see if we are a fit for a long-time partnership whereas with friends it is more for the joy of sharing activities / conversations together, but without the expectations of the interpersonal relationship with them to develop.

 

if i was your boyf having to ooh and aah at some stranger comming along a date, come on, you can surely see that you are hoping for the impossible

[d0nnivain]

or should that be spend time with the BF without the friend tagging along?

one tags along, the other is the cenral figure

i just switched around the priority

 

 

 

The BF is the primary relationship but if I make plans to have dinner with a friend, for those few hours that person is my focus & if DH comes along, he's the one tagging along in that limited instance.

[Gaeta]

I would never go to dinner with a male friend while I am in a relationship. I grab lunches with my male friends! huge difference. No romantic ambiance or alcohol is involved.

 

As for my male friends I file them as followed:

 

* My long term male friends I keep and introduce to new boyfriend.

 

* Everything else, recent online contacts, fwb, on and off guys, I drop completely.

 

* To me, this guy you call a friend, is nothing more than a guy playing the friend-card to get you. You have not known him for long enough to call him a 'friend', not long enough for him to have any kind of importance to your life, and not long enough for you to risk your new relationship over.

[No_Go]

Except this guy friend, I have had only one other to go on 101 dinners with. He is a former coworker, we have tons of common acquaintances from our past work, and it is always fun to catch up and discuss the past. He is openly gay though, but even if he wasn't, I'll still keep seeing him 101 because we have so many internal jokes that my new BF or other friends will not understand.

 

All my other close male buddies are in relationships with close female friends of mine, or coworkers and we go out as a group.

 

So this was a new situation for me... I think you have a point with your last statement (I was wondering how to restrict the platonic friendship with him without being offensive and maybe I'll go in lines with your reasoning).

 

 

I would never go to dinner with a male friend while I am in a relationship. I grab lunches with my male friends! huge difference. No romantic ambiance or alcohol is involved.

 

As for my male friends I file them as followed:

 

* My long term male friends I keep and introduce to new boyfriend.

 

* Everything else, recent online contacts, fwb, on and off guys, I drop completely.

 

* To me, this guy you call a friend, is nothing more than a guy playing the friend-card to get you. You have not known him for long enough to call him a 'friend', not long enough for him to have any kind of importance to your life, and not long enough for you to risk your new relationship over.

[fitnessfan365]

I think you have a point with your last statement (I was wondering how to restrict the platonic friendship with him without being offensive and maybe I'll go in lines with your reasoning).

 

It's funny because barcode, myself, and a few other guys gave you the same advice. But it didn't sink in until another woman told you the same thing..LOL

 

All the other male friends that you mentioned would be completely cool because you didn't meet them under a dating context. But a guy on an OLD site, isn't looking for female friends. Since being friends was your idea with a guy you tried to date, it isn't a true friendship. It is most likely him biding his time trying to change your mind. Since you haven't known the guy long, I'd say that it would probably be a good idea just to drop him all together.

 

When you meet a guy on a dating site and don't feel chemistry, it's better just to let the guy go so he can find a woman that wants him since his goal was never friendship.

[barcode88]

OP based on this guys shy demeanor not to mention lack of a social circle, I think he's probably holding out for you.

 

I recommend doing group hangouts, introduce him to your BF/Friends, or just doing lunch dates which aren't as romantic. If he sticks around through this, he may actually be a true friend.

 

But in general, guys like this have an agenda.

[No_Go]

Haha, could be the repeatedness of the advice on top of the female solidarity factor

 

Regarding the rest, for anyone else I would have let him go long time ago.

But in this particular case I kind of felt bad for the guy because he seems to be a good person but he's soooo child-like. My feeling towards him are more like towards a little brother/neighbor's kid since I had years in which I was the same socially awkward kid as he's now...

 

It's funny because barcode, myself, and a few other guys gave you the same advice. But it didn't sink in until another woman told you the same thing..LOL

 

All the other male friends that you mentioned would be completely cool because you didn't meet them under a dating context. But a guy on an OLD site, isn't looking for female friends. Since being friends was your idea with a guy you tried to date, it isn't a true friendship. It is most likely him biding his time trying to change your mind. Since you haven't known the guy long, I'd say that it would probably be a good idea just to drop him all together.

 

When you meet a guy on a dating site and don't feel chemistry, it's better just to let the guy go so he can find a woman that wants him since his goal was never friendship.

[mysteryscape]

I was thinking to do exactly that (invite them together sometime).

 

Anyways, I have never been intimate with the friend guy, not even a kiss. Just the fact that I met him via OLD makes me a little uncomfortable for the initial introductions.

 

If that is the case, no reason whatsoever not to continue seeing him. I would tell the new guy about him including the fact you really are just friends. (You sure no good squeezes lol?I wouldn't even feel it necessary to introduce one to the other. They are different parts of your life.

[angel.eyes]

What concerns me is that he is so undisturbed that I cancelled on him so many times (dates, and now the friendship stuff). He doesn't seem to care at all ... I mean being in his shoes I would have backed off 10 times by now.

 

Most of us would! But then again, most of us don't call up someone after they blow us off to try and secure a date. But swallowing his pride worked once before. He played it cool when you blew him off for another guy. He let you do your thing, then came around again and successfully finagled a real date out of you. Of course, he's going to try the same tactic again! Why wouldn't he when his persistence has paid off before?

 

I'm pretty sure he cares when you start blowing him off for other guys, but revealing that will only risk you cutting him off immediately. Right now, he's successfully wheedling one-on-one dinner dates out of you by playing the pity card--you're the only person who doesn't make fun of him...will be his friend...etc. Do your friends really make fun of people when you introduce someone new to them? Seven billion people on this earth and you're the only one who doesn't make fun of him and who will be his friend? Really?

 

I highly doubt that he's as socially stunted as he's led you to believe. Think about it, if he were to tell you point blank that he just didn't want to spend time with your friends because he was only interested in alone time with you, you would have cut him off. The pity route and the friendship label you foisted on him let him stay in your orbit. Now he can work on you until you become amenable to the idea of a romantic relationship with him.

 

...So I guess I will just tell him the whole truth (that I am in a new relationship and meeting 1 to 1 feels uncomfortable) and let him decide if he's ok with that?

Your life. Your new relationship that you're trying to grow. You're responsible for deciding where your boundaries lie and how best to protect your new romantic relationship that you're hoping will last...not some random ex-date who secretly hopes it goes nowhere. How is some one-and-done OLD date even still in this picture...two guys later???

Edited March 31, 2015 by angel.eyes

[Gary S]

 

All the other male friends that you mentioned would be completely cool because you didn't meet them under a dating context. But a guy on an OLD site, isn't looking for female friends. Since being friends was your idea with a guy you tried to date, it isn't a true friendship. .

 

- That's not necessarily true, I have made plenty of lady friends through dating. They are in the freindszone forever - and that's okay!

 

And I don't know that it matters if the friend has the hots for the OP - so what? Nothing is ever going to happen if she's not attracted to him. But yeah, I hear you, her boyfriend might not understand that, lol

 

For what it's worth OP, If my girlfriend wanted to have a nice dinner out with a guy friend, I would have no problem with it, but I'm not your average bear. I know that women with integrity are naturally monogamous. But a whole lot of men out there don't know this and would not be as comfortable with it.

[No_Go]

Lol, no good squeezes, but I think introductions would be still necessary to avoid misunderstandings.

 

If that is the case, no reason whatsoever not to continue seeing him. I would tell the new guy about him including the fact you really are just friends. (You sure no good squeezes lol?I wouldn't even feel it necessary to introduce one to the other. They are different parts of your life.

[No_Go]

I guess proper introductions may solve the problem with misreading.

 

Btw my behavior usually comes as "cold" (e.g. I do not like greeting friends with hugs etc), and I do not drink (at all) so my dinners with (male) friends can be hardly misinterpreted as romantic lol.

 

- That's not necessarily true, I have made plenty of lady friends through dating. They are in the freindszone forever - and that's okay!

 

And I don't know that it matters if the friend has the hots for the OP - so what? Nothing is ever going to happen if she's not attracted to him. But yeah, I hear you, her boyfriend might not understand that, lol

 

For what it's worth OP, If my girlfriend wanted to have a nice dinner out with a guy friend, I would have no problem with it, but I'm not your average bear. I know that women with integrity are naturally monogamous. But a whole lot of men out there don't know this and would not be as comfortable with it.

[Diezel]

Would be a red flag to me, regardless of whatever the explanation was.

[No_Go]

Hmmm, this made me think.

 

You're right, after our cancelled first date (cancelled, rescheduled, and cancelled again), he contacted me casually three months after, and six months after (the second time I met him). A bit too organized to be just spontaneous.

 

After the third date and the friendship transition he also backed off for a little while, we start having dinners again (regular intervals), and the last invite (cancelled) was for a home dinner.

 

Maybe we're creating a "conspiracy" theory, and in reality this is just his way of communicating, but I still feel uncomfortable with the though of meeting now Who knows, we could become best friends in the future but right now some distance will probably be the best..

 

Most of us would! But then again, most of us don't call up someone after they blow us off to try and secure a date. But swallowing his pride worked once before. He played it cool when you blew him off for another guy. He let you do your thing, then came around again and successfully finagled a real date out of you. Of course, he's going to try the same tactic again! Why wouldn't he when his persistence has paid off before?

 

I'm pretty sure he cares when you start blowing him off for other guys, but revealing that will only risk you cutting him off immediately. Right now, he's successfully wheedling one-on-one dinner dates out of you by playing the pity card--you're the only person who doesn't make fun of him...will be his friend...etc. Do your friends really make fun of people when you introduce someone new to them? Seven billion people on this earth and you're the only one who doesn't make fun of him and who will be his friend? Really?

 

I highly doubt that he's as socially stunted as he's led you to believe. Think about it, if he were to tell you point blank that he just didn't want to spend time with your friends because he was only interested in alone time with you, you would have cut him off. The pity route and the friendship label you foisted on him let him stay in your orbit. Now he can work on you until you become amenable to the idea of a romantic relationship with him.

 

 

Your life. Your new relationship that you're trying to grow. You're responsible for deciding where your boundaries lie and how best to protect your new romantic relationship that you're hoping will last...not some random ex-date who secretly hopes it goes nowhere. How is some one-and-done OLD date even still in this picture...two guys later???

[angel.eyes]

So, "I'm not interested in dating you" to some random guy who contacted you on OLD morphed into "We can be friends and you can hang with me and my friends," which somehow evolved to one-on-one dinners, and now dinner invites at his home? Sure you said no to alone time at his home...this time. But from past behavior, it's crystal clear your objections are pretty meaningless. Give it another 6 months, and you'll be over his place alone on a semi-regular basis.

 

No offense, but you really need to work on your boundaries. By rewarding him periodically, because you can't stick to your own boundaries, you are simply creating a mess for yourself down the road.

[No_Go]

Ooh, that sound bad but you're probably right. I have troubles saying no

 

In that case I haven't seen a treat. He never initiated touch etc, we always share bills 50/50, and the conversations have been surface/friendly level mainly - discussing daily events, jokes, but nothing too personal.

 

Regarding the home invite: he explained it with food allergies (prefers to cook his food himself). Also to mention we live within the same block (I didn't know that initially).

 

I.e. he hasn't done nothing to give him flat rejection to contact him. He just keeps contacting me periodically... non-invasive but creepily consistent...

 

I considered friendship mainly because we have common interests work-wise.

 

Flaw from my side: I mentioned my ex (why we didn't meet initially), mentioned personal business now, but never explicitly said: I have a BF right now since it was not technically the case. But now it is getting there with the guy that I am dating -I already consider him a BF)- so this mess I think will end with my explicit statement that I am in a relationship.

 

So, "I'm not interested in dating you" to some random guy who contacted you on OLD morphed into "We can be friends and you can hang with me and my friends," which somehow evolved to one-on-one dinners, and now dinner invites at his home? Sure you said no to alone time at his home...this time. But from past behavior, it's crystal clear your objections are pretty meaningless. Give it another 6 months, and you'll be over his place alone on a semi-regular basis.

 

No offense, but you really need to work on your boundaries. By rewarding him periodically, because you can't stick to your own boundaries, you are simply creating a mess for yourself down the road.

[No_Go]

Ok, I need advice again.

 

After I posted here I decided to stay out of touch with this guy friend (ex-date), since his intentions sounded ambiguous. His main idea to keep having 101 platonic dates was that he is shy. It hasn't been an option for me since I started a new relationship so I told him I'll contact him after I figure out my personal things.

 

Now, after I haven't contacted him for 2-3 weeks, he is asking me out for a group date with his friends. The question is: is it ok to go? The considerations:

- it IS a group activity, which is the way to go for friendship (as people here also commented)

- it doesn't match his previous explanations for his own shyness (main reason that I didn't cut contact with him; I though he doesn't have many friends in town, but for this activity will involve over 10 people)

 

The question is: is it all coming in place with the platonic friendship, or it is just a way to get in touch after my backing off?

 

P.S. I could be over-analyzing, but I just can't get my mind around this situation. My bf is out of town, so I have time for friends activities, it is a group date, but deep inside I feel it will be inappropriate because of the background (not to mention that the friend guy didn't wait for me to initiate as decided in our last conversation)

 

 

From about a month or so I am dating a wonderful guy. We are trying to accommodate our lives to each other including our friend circles.

 

I used to go out ~2 x a month to have dinner with a guy that I met before via OLD; however, after the third time we agreed just to be friends since I was not interested in anything more (but we like each other as people).

 

Do you think it is ok to keep seeing this friend occasionally 101 (he is too shy and prefers that vs being in a group of people)?

 

I don't know how to introduce this situation to my new boyfriend since we're still in the beginning and he may misinterpret it... (the friend guy is aware that I am seeing someone else and doesn't seem to be bothered, so I guess it is ok with him).

[carhill]

What's going on during this 'group date'?

 

As an example, are you all going out bowling? Miniature golfing? Wine tasting? Etc, Etc....

 

Do you know any of his friends?

[fitnessfan365]

- it IS a group activity, which is the way to go for friendship (as people here also commented)

- it doesn't match his previous explanations for his own shyness (main reason that I didn't cut contact with him; I though he doesn't have many friends in town, but for this activity will involve over 10 people)

 

The question is: is it all coming in place with the platonic friendship, or it is just a way to get in touch after my backing off?

 

P.S. I could be over-analyzing, but I just can't get my mind around this situation. My bf is out of town, so I have time for friends activities, it is a group date, but deep inside I feel it will be inappropriate because of the background (not to mention that the friend guy didn't wait for me to initiate as decided in our last conversation)

 

1) It is a "group date" with his friends. Not yours. For all you know, his friends want to size you up.

 

2) Even though it's innocent to you, going out with a guy that you used to date while your BF is out of town, probably isn't the best idea.

 

As I said before, since you barely know this guy and his original intentions were to date you, I don't get why you're keeping him in your life. It's not like he is a guy you have known for years. My advice? Stop trying to be "friends" with a guy who's pretty much always had romantic intentions for you. You don't need the headache in your life or something to potentially cause problems with your BF.

[No_Go]

Just a hike nearby.

 

I don't know any of them unfortunately.

 

What's going on during this 'group date'?

 

As an example, are you all going out bowling? Miniature golfing? Wine tasting? Etc, Etc....

 

Do you know any of his friends?

[No_Go]

Ohh, your point 2) is the concern. I won't do it anyway because of that.

 

The reason that he's still in my life is that he KEEPS popping up in random times (as said, I told him I may contact him when appropriate, so I was honestly surprised with this suggestion for a group activity)..

 

Technically he hasn't done anything disrespectful to make me stop responding to him completely. And we have similar professional interests. That's about it.

 

1) It is a "group date" with his friends. Not yours. For all you know, his friends want to size you up.

 

2) Even though it's innocent to you, going out with a guy that you used to date while your BF is out of town, probably isn't the best idea.

 

As I said before, since you barely know this guy and his original intentions were to date you, I don't get why you're keeping him in your life. It's not like he is a guy you have known for years. My advice? Stop trying to be "friends" with a guy who's pretty much always had romantic intentions for you. You don't need the headache in your life or something to potentially cause problems with your BF.

[No Limit]

Break up with your boyfriend because you're obviously more interested in this other guy. Problem solved.

[No_Go]

You wish This is just a situation, the priorities are not questionable.

 

Break up with your boyfriend because you're obviously more interested in this other guy. Problem solved.

[smackie9]

Sometimes people just out grow friendships because of circumstances, like dating someone new. Not spending time with this friend might enable him to seek out someone or others to start a new social life with.