SweetCharity Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I promised myself I'd never get involved with someone else's boyfriend ever again after a fling went wrong with a coworker. I ended up meeting an Irishman here on a work visa and hooking up with him. He added me on Facebook and I quickly realized something was afoot. His profile picture had a pic had himself with a blond woman in it. Her profile pic had herself with him in it. I asked him about it and he said it was an ex, which still made no sense. The second time we hooked up I pressed again, telling him I was not interested in getting involved with someone who already had a girlfriend. He insisted she wasn't his girlfriend. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. The third time we hung out I insisted I wasn't an idiot and he should 'fess up. He finally admitted that she was his girlfriend but that they weren't really that serious right now because he'd been out of the country for almost a year and she was in Ireland. He said he barely even talked to her. So when I saw on Facebook (which popped up on my news feed...I wasn't even snooping) that he had sent her flowers the next day for Valentine's Day, he clearly was lying. Not that serious my foot. One of her comments were, "Good things happen to good girls." Ha, if she only knew. I ran into him a couple weeks ago and he begged me not to tell her, saying I didn't know her or their relationship. Blah blah blah. I wrote a similar post about something like this and got a lot of mean comments. Honestly, I don't want to rock the boat. I'm trying to move on with my life and his girlfriend seems like a nice girl. Yet, I can't help but get this gnawing feeling in my stomach like she should know. The condom broke when I was with him once, and I had an STI scare (which I did tell him about) so her health is also at risk. Maybe it's none of my business. He finally wised up and blocked me but I still know how to find her. So should I tell her? Or leave it alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'd tell her. She needs to know what a loser she is dating. There is probably alot more women, too. Also, he's a bit of an idiot friending you on Facebook. I'm hoping his girlfriend connects the dots. Simple message & let it go. What she does with the information is up to her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Put yourself in her shoes: if it were you, wouldn't you want to know the truth? The guy deserves no loyalty. Protect the sisterhood! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetCharity Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Put yourself in her shoes: if it were you, wouldn't you want to know the truth? The guy deserves no loyalty. Protect the sisterhood! That's true. I also wouldn't even know how to word it. "Your boyfriend cheated on you with me. He told me he was single. My bad." ughh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 That's true. I also wouldn't even know how to word it. "Your boyfriend cheated on you with me. He told me he was single. My bad." ughh. Yeah that's probably good. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 That's true. I also wouldn't even know how to word it. "Your boyfriend cheated on you with me. He told me he was single. My bad. Skip the pithy "my bad" comment, but the rest rings true. Then tell her exactly what you feel; that if the shoe were on the other foot, you would want someone to tell you and that you feel awful about it. Show some sincerity and compassion for her and what she is about to go through. That sort of empathy will go a long way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 It's not like Hallmark makes a card for this sort of thing. There is no easy way to say this. I'd probably go with You don't know me but unfortunately we have something / someone in common, [cheater]. When I met him he swore he was single. Then I found out about you. I am so sorry I was part of this but I didn't know he was using me to cheat on you. I have since broken it off but I thought you ought to know he's a cheater & a liar. Do with that info what is best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I promised myself I'd never get involved with someone else's boyfriend ever again after a fling went wrong with a coworker. I ended up meeting an Irishman here on a work visa and hooking up with him. He added me on Facebook and I quickly realized something was afoot. His profile picture had a pic had himself with a blond woman in it. Her profile pic had herself with him in it. I asked him about it and he said it was an ex, which still made no sense. The second time we hooked up I pressed again, telling him I was not interested in getting involved with someone who already had a girlfriend. He insisted she wasn't his girlfriend. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. The third time we hung out I insisted I wasn't an idiot and he should 'fess up. He finally admitted that she was his girlfriend but that they weren't really that serious right now because he'd been out of the country for almost a year and she was in Ireland. He said he barely even talked to her. So when I saw on Facebook (which popped up on my news feed...I wasn't even snooping) that he had sent her flowers the next day for Valentine's Day, he clearly was lying. Not that serious my foot. One of her comments were, "Good things happen to good girls." Ha, if she only knew. I ran into him a couple weeks ago and he begged me not to tell her, saying I didn't know her or their relationship. Blah blah blah. I wrote a similar post about something like this and got a lot of mean comments. Honestly, I don't want to rock the boat. I'm trying to move on with my life and his girlfriend seems like a nice girl. Yet, I can't help but get this gnawing feeling in my stomach like she should know. The condom broke when I was with him once, and I had an STI scare (which I did tell him about) so her health is also at risk. Maybe it's none of my business. He finally wised up and blocked me but I still know how to find her. So should I tell her? Or leave it alone? Yep, Tell Her. She deserves to know. You had an STD scare? Then by all means you NEED to tell her. Yes it will be difficult, and please do it as gently as possible. But most importantly by telling her you need to also let her know she may be at risk of an STD. Just because you came back negative now does not mean in the future that it won't come back positive. STD's can also lie latent for a long time. You may be saving someone's health by owning up. You may be dropping a bomb into her world, but she may thank you for being forewarned with such knowledge to get herself tested. And do not inform the guy you are letting her know...just do it. If he has any warning he may be able to convince her you are just a crazy nutjob or a liar. So just do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I forgot to mention if you have any proof of your interactions with him as in email threads, text threads you still have FB messages you may gave archived or pictures of you together, be prepared to provide them. I cannot stress enough that should she require some kind of proof, that you be willing to provide some. Again, he may have already forewarned her that he is getting stalked by some nutjob....but nonetheless you must throw caution to the wind here and inform her ASAP. You are doing the right thing, I assure you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetCharity Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I forgot to mention if you have any proof of your interactions with him as in email threads, text threads you still have FB messages you may gave archived or pictures of you together, be prepared to provide them. I cannot stress enough that should she require some kind of proof, that you be willing to provide some. Again, he may have already forewarned her that he is getting stalked by some nutjob....but nonetheless you must throw caution to the wind here and inform her ASAP. You are doing the right thing, I assure you. All I have is text messages and a pic of him lying on my bed half naked with a condom in the corner. Pretty damning, I should say but he's really good at twisting words around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetCharity Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 It's not like Hallmark makes a card for this sort of thing. There is no easy way to say this. I'd probably go with You don't know me but unfortunately we have something / someone in common, [cheater]. When I met him he swore he was single. Then I found out about you. I am so sorry I was part of this but I didn't know he was using me to cheat on you. I have since broken it off but I thought you ought to know he's a cheater & a liar. Do with that info what is best for you. That sounds pretty good only I wasn't that innocent about it. I could put two and two together. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetCharity Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 All I have is text messages and a pic of him lying on my bed half naked with a condom in the corner. Pretty damning, I should say but he's really good at twisting words around. No wait, I have some pretty damning facebook messages. Uhhh, this whistle blowing isn't my kind of thing, but this gnawing feeling of guilt and outrage won't go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 All I have is text messages and a pic of him lying on my bed half naked with a condom in the corner. Pretty damning, I should say but he's really good at twisting words around. That would be proof enough....especially if you have a time stamp. I know it's a scary proposition, but seriously I think you letting her know is about as noble an act as anyone could do, given the position you find yourself currently in. Had I been informed beforehand by someone, anyone, that my fiance was cheating on me instead of walking in on her in the act in my own bed 26 years ago my life would have turned out very differently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Tell her. I would want to know if my man was a cheater. I once dated a guy who claimed he was single. On the 4th date, his wife called my phone (she had found the # on his cell bill) and I, without hesitation, told her EVERYTHING. I felt terrible for her and thought she deserved to know whatever she wanted to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetCharity Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 That would be proof enough....especially if you have a time stamp. I know it's a scary proposition, but seriously I think you letting her know is about as noble an act as anyone could do, given the position you find yourself currently in. Had I been informed beforehand by someone, anyone, that my fiance was cheating on me instead of walking in on her in the act in my own bed 26 years ago my life would have turned out very differently. She's not the only one. I for some reason attract scum bags. If I tell her, I feel morally obligated to tell the other one. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Tell her, but don't expect her to believe you. Just tell her using the wording donnie gave above, and don't respond if she replies negatively. You've done your bit, if she chooses not to believe you then it's not your issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 tell her for sure. be kind, tell her you're sorry, and don't be defensive if she lashes out on you... just explain you really didn't know and you're sorry. It's HIS fault, not yours, but if you apologize anyway it might soften the blow for her. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I'd just like to remark that I'm surprised how everyone is fine with telling a GF that you've slept with their partner, but if it's a wife you gotta stay "out of other people's business". Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 It's not like Hallmark makes a card for this sort of thing. There is no easy way to say this. I'd probably go with You don't know me but unfortunately we have something / someone in common, [cheater]. When I met him he swore he was single. Then I found out about you. I am so sorry I was part of this but I didn't know he was using me to cheat on you. I have since broken it off but I thought you ought to know he's a cheater & a liar. Do with that info what is best for you. Not only that, OP, but tell her it took MANY attempts out of you to find out that she existed--he was busy denying her and discounting their relationship. Of course, unless you have proof that it went on, it may not come across as you intend--so if you have some, better use it. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I'd just like to remark that I'm surprised how everyone is fine with telling a GF that you've slept with their partner, but if it's a wife you gotta stay "out of other people's business". If there are children involved I would say no don't get involved. IMO if you knew they had a GF and you made the choice to hook up with them then I would stay out of it. BUT since the OP had no idea, was lied to, I would say yes to letting his GF know. I agree she would be in total denial about it, possibly lash out at the messenger, and he would just worm his way out of it, but at least you planted a seed that may grow later. OP if you want this to never happen again, stop "hooking up" with someone you hardly know anything about. Sure you might see them everyday at work and you think you know them well enough, but everyone is different outside of work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I'd just like to remark that I'm surprised how everyone is fine with telling a GF that you've slept with their partner, but if it's a wife you gotta stay "out of other people's business". I would advise the other person be informed regardless of marital status. Emphatically more so if there is an unknowing spouse walking around with no idea or having suspicions but getting gaslit, which occurred in my case.. I am an absolutist when it comes to cheating. I suppose had I never been a victim of infidelity I might take a more passive stance on informing the betrayed's spouse or significant other. But since it happened to me I would not wish it on my worst enemy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetCharity Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 If there are children involved I would say no don't get involved. IMO if you knew they had a GF and you made the choice to hook up with them then I would stay out of it. I didn't know the first time but I had my suspicions. Even when he admitted she was his gf but it wasn't that serious I hooked up with him still. It wasn't until I saw he had sent her flowers that I realized he was lying completely. That's one of the reasons I'm so conflicted. I wasn't exactly innocent but my guilt keeps gnawing at me. He's probably back in Ireland right now. Apparently they've been together for two years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetCharity Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Tell her, but don't expect her to believe you. Just tell her using the wording donnie gave above, and don't respond if she replies negatively. You've done your bit, if she chooses not to believe you then it's not your issue. I thought about just messaging her with a screen cap and picture and then blocking her so I don't get a response but that might be cowardly. I just want to let her know while getting as minimally involved as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
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