Issues with going out late

[Arieswoman]

I wasn't born yesterday either, staying out till 3am, means going to clubs and parties and that means women are involved.

 

Exactly.

 

OP must think some of us just fell off a Xmas tree. Well some of us didn't.

[lookingforanswers12]

Exactly.

 

OP must think some of us just fell off a Xmas tree. Well some of us didn't.

 

So everyone who is out late is out there for hooking up?

 

I live in a big city (one of NY, London, Hong Kong - I'd rather not say). Everything is open till late and everyone out in the bars is most definitely not hooking up. You can if you want, but then you can also hook up pretty much anywhere else in the city, there is no shortage of promiscuity. You can go to a cafe in the afternoon and chat people up.

 

In any case, I can see the logic that a variety of people are presenting here. Maybe I need to show I can be mature by not doing this. And somehow digest the fact that I have to stop thinking like this. I really dont know how I will come to accept this. Maybe part of the problem is also that a lot of my colleagues are single, divorced, LTR marriages and hence that lifestyle is what I am trying to live as well.

 

I also still feel that the female view here is drastically different from the male one, maybe for good reason.

 

Thanks a lot for all your opinions. It is heartening to know that my wife is not some crazed woman and in fact it is me who needs to think.

[whichwayisup]

How often do you go out and come home late? Once a week? 3 times a week?

[lookingforanswers12]

How often do you go out and come home late? Once a week? 3 times a week?

 

once every 2-3 weeks...sometimes once a month/2 months

[whichwayisup]

once every 2-3 weeks...sometimes once a month/2 months

 

Okay, so it's not 2-3 times a week.

 

Well, I haven't read the rest of your thread yet but my guess is your wife is worried about 'something' happening.... Things can happen when one is drunk, unintentionally. I guess maybe in her mind she figures you're in your 30's, why feel the need to come home so late, why isn't she enough.

 

Couples of course need to do their own thing, have their own hobbies. I mean if you joined a basketball or hockey team and had to play a game in the evening she probably wouldn't be so bothered it, a controlled sport/atmosphere..Where as going out and drinking, coming home at 2am bothers her more.

[elaine567]

So everyone who is out late is out there for hooking up?

 

 

I didn't say that.

No-one mentioned hooking up.

The OP said he has been faithful, and I have no reason not to believe him.

But these "wholesome" guy's nights are going to include interacting with women who are also out clubbing and partying, of course they are.

[autumnnight]

I didn't say that.

No-one mentioned hooking up.

The OP said he has been faithful, and I have no reason not to believe him.

But these "wholesome" guy's nights are going to include interacting with women who are also out clubbing and partying, of course they are.

 

OP are these psychic abilities accurate? Are you and your friends flirting, dancing, and interacting with women?

[readynow]

Jeez,

What's wrong with a man hanging out once a month with his buddies till late? We women can be very controlling at times. Kids? They're not here yet and he's said he'd be happy to staple himself to the house when they arrive. Even then, shouldn't he get a break?

 

I think expecting your SO to sit at home and watch tv with you every single night is unfair just because they've married you. I understand the concerns of what boys 'get up to' when they are out but that's a different story. We all let out stress and relax in different ways and she should have known this about him before they married.

 

He is financially stable, doesnt drink n drive, has the work bit covered. It's not like he's out every night.

 

OP, sit her down and tell her you need one night every month to hang out with your friends. Let her tell you what the problem is and take it from there. It's marriage not prison. Besides, who's bio-clock is ticking? If she wants kids, she should be focusing on that and not on hubby hanging out once a month with his friends:rolleyes: (don't tell her that bit :-p )

 

Years from now, she'll be begging him to go out just so she can get some space to herself!

Edited April 1, 2015 by readynow

[Mr. Lucky]

What bars are open until 2 or 3 during the week? (ok, that may be my small town naivety).

 

Obviously you haven't been to Vegas either .

 

When I have kids I completely buy your logic, or even when my wife is pregnant. But when neither of those is the case, I cant connect the dots.

 

What commitment does kids or pregnant W represent that your current marriage doesn't ??? Kids would typically be asleep at 3:00 am so why be home?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SJS]

Obviously you haven't been to Vegas either .

 

It's on my bucket list...

[Mr. Lucky]

It's on my bucket list...

 

Get ready. 2:00 am is starting there ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[clia]

Wow, I don't get the reaction either.

 

OP is doing this once every two or three weeks, not every night. I really don't see the big deal and I think your wife is totally overreacting. You're an adult.

 

I don't see how going out with your friends to a bar every so often and staying out late means you aren't a responsible person or aren't ready for some imaginary kids somewhere down the road. FWIW, myself, my husband, and everyone we know who are married go out for girls' nights and guys' nights to restaurants and bars and there are no parentalish curfews involved. And OMG, even my girl friends and guy friends who have kids go out to the bars with their friends from time to time. The horror, the horror.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Does she trust you? What do you do on your boys nights? Your wife isn't a partying or clubber so perhaps it's that she doesn't understand why you go. Perhaps to her, she thinks you want to be single, flirt, dance, come on to other women.

 

I can see why she'd think this as I'm not a big partier. I see parties as places for hookups. Maybe this is her concern? Another poster said if your free time consisted of sports etc, your wife may not be so worried. Perhaps it is because your sole let off steam activity is clubs/bars? (am I right? Or is it boys nights out, where?)

 

I think you need to reassure her a little.

[Mr. Lucky]

FWIW, myself, my husband, and everyone we know who are married go out for girls' nights and guys' nights to restaurants and bars and there are no parentalish curfews involved.

 

I was in the bar/nightclub business for 20 years and we had a tried and true saying amongst the staff - "Nothing good happens after midnight...". Startling how consistently accurate this was...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Anderlie]

Yeah I don't get the pearl clutching. I would go out with my friends most weekends without my husband because he's not a partier. It seems pretty rude to insinuate that the op is out on the pull when I know I wasn't, nor were plenty of other people. It would drive me nuts if someone tried to restrict me from something I'd been doing all along because they suddenly had a problem with it. The big difference though is that we are childfree. OP, you can't be carrying on like that with a kid, you just can't. Your wife will be exhausted and need help at nights and the injustice of you getting to go out and have fun while she deals with a baby is not going to do your relationship any favours. You are already on different wavelengths and while I don't agree with you being given a curfew like an errant teenager your wife has a legitimate worry. You say you can give it up but you sneak one drink after work for old time's sake next thing.... Hello 2am.

 

Evil me wants to ask why kids are even that important as you seem happy without them but I won't lol.

[autumnnight]

It seems pretty rude to insinuate that the op is out on the pull

 

It doesn't "seem" rude; it IS rude.

[SolG]

once every 2-3 weeks...sometimes once a month/2 months

 

Another 'wierd' (apparently :/) woman here. I have been married and raised a child and think that having a problem with this type of frequency and behavior is kinda controlling and unreasonable. Doesn't sound like he's out there being manifestly irresponsible; just having the odd night out having fun with friends.

 

Sheesh, I'd have a problem if a partner was this restrictive with me!

[AprilTears]

It wouldn't bother me personally since it's not that often. Does she get to go out with girlfriends? When I was married my husband had a weekly poker night. I also had a weekly girls night (dinner and usually gossiping after at a wine bar). As long as you're not out doing things you shouldn't be I guess I don't see the issue but because its bothering your wife you need to reach a compromise of some sort.

 

Side note: We continued to do so after we had a child.

Edited April 2, 2015 by AprilTears

[Vercetti]

I work in finance as well, did you ever learn there is no such thing as extra money? Being conservative, few nights out a month with useless blokes will cost around 10K$ in a decade. That's being extremely conservative.

 

If wanting kids, preparing as best can for that reality now is advisable. Or could be the fool that wants to have " fun " til baby comes...Then get hit with system shock reality as have to invert entire lifestyle overnight.

 

Perhaps should gravate to those that are more productive and healthy for a mature sustainable relationship. Pub friends are only friends, when your drinking in a pub. These going to be the people that slur out sage parental wisdom?

 

Your wife exists for a reason, to help advise and give direction. Perhaps reading a book at home is a better or at least more sustainable approach. Would you want your wife staggering home late telling you one day she will morph into a housewife.

 

Not saying how should live life. Just if one person is staying home while the other goes out...that's a rather easy contrast conflict to spot. Personally, I would rather be intimate with wife all night then drink with some useless prick.......but to each their own.

[spanz1]

if I were your wife, I would be pissed. partying at night...you should bring her along.

 

 

If you want to blow off steam with the boys, go golfing on Saturday afternoon!

 

 

She wants to party more, probably, and you are cutting her out. she is wondering "if I have some kids, will my entire social life be over???" and it scares her. Also, obviously, she has no idea who you are out partying with. How does she know it is only some guys?

[lookingforanswers12]

So I took the advice from this thread and told my wife I am willing to give up whatever shreds of freedom (or whatever night outs with buddies) that are left so that she can gain comfort that indeed I am a man who she can depend on once we have a family. This was said in much more sophisticated words. I also asked her how long she thinks I need to behave this way for her to really trust I can be like this, 6 months, 1 year?

 

This was met with a surprising reaction that she said I am only doing it so that I can get a kid out of her. I told her that it is a logical extension of a 9 year relationship and 4 year marriage, there is nothing wrong with my expectation.

 

Many very ugly fights have since followed.

 

I am moving out tomorrow morning. Life is strange.

 

9 years down the drain, just like that.

 

I really feel like I'm ready to settle down and wanted to make it work, but the fight really destroyed everything. I just dont know what the hell I was supposed to do. I was willing to give up the night outs (and yes it did mean a lot to me) but it was perceived by her in the worst manner possible.

[elaine567]

I am very sorry to hear her reaction.

Sounds like you called her bluff,

But if having children is your goal then perhaps it is best you found out now, that she doesn't appear to want kids with you.

[lookingforanswers12]

I am very sorry to hear her reaction.

Sounds like you called her bluff,

But if having children is your goal then perhaps it is best you found out now, that she doesn't appear to want kids with you.

 

I am really struggling with the idea that I can be with anyone else and this relationship is ending. My entire adult life we've been together. Together at college, started careers together, I moved countries for her, we just bought our first house. I just dont know what to do and where to go.

 

Sorry I am rambling.

[whichwayisup]

So I took the advice from this thread and told my wife I am willing to give up whatever shreds of freedom (or whatever night outs with buddies) that are left so that she can gain comfort that indeed I am a man who she can depend on once we have a family. This was said in much more sophisticated words. I also asked her how long she thinks I need to behave this way for her to really trust I can be like this, 6 months, 1 year?

 

This was met with a surprising reaction that she said I am only doing it so that I can get a kid out of her. I told her that it is a logical extension of a 9 year relationship and 4 year marriage, there is nothing wrong with my expectation.

 

Many very ugly fights have since followed.

 

I am moving out tomorrow morning. Life is strange.

 

9 years down the drain, just like that.

 

I really feel like I'm ready to settle down and wanted to make it work, but the fight really destroyed everything. I just dont know what the hell I was supposed to do. I was willing to give up the night outs (and yes it did mean a lot to me) but it was perceived by her in the worst manner possible.

 

This is such an extreme! Was it your decision to move out or hers? Or mutual?

 

Your wife has some severe insecurity issues and she has to deal with them and do counseling, otherwise she's gonna be this way forever, maybe with you (if you two get back together) or with her next partner.

 

Or maybe this is for the best - breaking up? Where is your head and heart in all this?

[whichwayisup]

I am really struggling with the idea that I can be with anyone else and this relationship is ending. My entire adult life we've been together. Together at college, started careers together, I moved countries for her, we just bought our first house. I just dont know what to do and where to go.

 

Sorry I am rambling.

 

So it seems that this was her idea? If so, it does make me wonder if there's more going on than you realize. Just a shame to throw away a marriage without counseling or trying to fix things.