Broke up with him, how do I reconnect

[blugurrl]

Hi

I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months in mid February. We had talked about the relationship and he told me he wanted to move forward with me but his actions weren't matching his words. He is a very closed off guy and communication is not his forte. There are a lot more things but I don't want to go into it. The bottom line is I never really wanted to let him go but I listened to my girlfriends who said he wasn't treating me right and I needed to stand up for myself. I did. I texted him on Valentines Day because he didn't get back to me if he was coming over or not and I had asked him to please let me know either way because I was making dinner. I wasn't bitchy but direct and said it wasn't right. He answered me with the same excuse he always uses, and then I texted he need to be more considerate of me etc. He never answered. Anyway, because of this when I didn't hear from him for a week I got scared he was dumping me so I broke up with him in a very mature letter about how it wasn't working for me. He wasn't going to break up with me, he was just doing his disappearing act. He responded to my letter a week later that part of him really wanted to work it out and the other part thought I was making the right decision. He let me go. In my heart I had hoped he would have fought to keep me. We have great chemistry and if given the chance it could have been something good.

Ok so I miss him and I have been beating myself up for breaking up with him. It has been almost 2 month and I am a mess. I don't know how to approach contact with him. I had hoped he would reach out to me but he hasn't. How do I do this? I don't know how to initiate contact or if I should, does that give him all the power, also afraid he want to get back together. I know I hurt him, he didn't see it coming, even though I had had 3 talks with him about communication and how I was uncomfortable because the relationship was too one sided. I don't know what to do. It is tearing me apart. I know I can't change him, but I miss him so much. But I don't want to seem desperate or needy.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

[Ruby65]

He stood you up on Valentine's Day -- ???

 

Wow, you really need to set some higher standards for yourself, that's just awful.

 

Why do you want to get back with this guy? It sounds like he's not at all invested and he's flat out told you he's okay with letting you go.

 

You deserve so much better. If you settle for so little, there's no way not to seem desperate or needy because the truth is it's desperate and needy to be clinging to someone who gives you so little.

 

Give yourself more time to get over him.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[Willow82]

I think you did the right thing by breaking up with him. You came out of this relationship with dignity! He would definitely have broken up with you if you hadn't already done so. The part about "part of him really wanted to work it out and the other part thought I was making the right decision" is BS - he never wanted to make it work, which is why the low investment.

 

Don't reconnect. You are in an awesome position right now because YOU broke up with someone who wasn't giving you what you deserve. Don't go mess it up trying to reconnect. Walk away with your head held high.

[Twigyy]

He doesn't sound very interested in the relationship.. Only love someone who loves you as much as you do. I guess you'll have to let him go.. Start no contact and keep walking.

[Diezel]

Why would you want to get back with him? Obviously you two aren't good for each other. Sounds to me like you just miss being with someone.

 

The biggest glaring problem is communication, as in he doesn't. And even the breakup was via letter.

 

Forget this, move on.

[stillafool]

He stood you up on VD and then you didn't hear from him for a week. Also he seemed unsure whether he wanted the relationship or not. You are right that he would have fought for you if he really cared. Afterall he was the one who was wrong and stood you up. He never even apologized. He should be the one reaching out to you if he were interested. You can call him to talk but you will be giving him all the power.

[AIJ]

Okay first off, don't let your friends dictate the outcome of your future relationships please. They only see small parts of your relationship, and most likely only hear about the negative stuff when you two argued. So yeah, don't do that.

 

Secondly, you were right to break up with him. If he just flat out ignores you most of the time, he obviously wasn't too interested in the relationship. If you want to be a part of someone's life, you'll make an obvious effort to do so.

 

Just chalk it down as a broken relationship and move on.

[blugurrl]

This is so hard I know he sounds crappy, I miss him so much and it is tearing me apart. I am trying to move on but it isn't working.

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, he sounds crappy because he *is* crappy.

 

Please give yourself more time to get over him. Check out the No Contact guide here on the site and the link I posted above. They really will help you move on!

 

Stay strong -- you can do this! It does get easier with time, honest.

[banana1522]

Hey. Sorry your hurting but hopefully this might help a little.

 

I really strongly believe that the hurt both dumpers and dumpees feel after a split is actually more to do with the overwhelming sense of rejection that arises when the person who left them/who they left doesn't give chase and just seem fine after the BU.

 

Of course you miss them terribly, but the feeling that actually they are fine without you, which is given off by them staying out of touch, makes the whole thing even worse... So try and get some perspective, instead of feeling rotten because some jerk won't call you to let you know he is as miserable as you are, you should be relieved to have got away from him when you did.

 

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he is important to you when he couldn't return the sentiment! You know you deserve better (why did you break up otherwise..?) and you just miss the companionship. Get out there and enjoy your life without needing validation from someone else, particularly not this guy! Soon enough someone better will come along.

 

I heard a great saying once (although in reality it doesn't work quite like this but here it goes anyway..)

 

There are 7 billion of us on the planet (about half are men). So even if he was one in a million, that means there's another 3500 others out there like him. (in his case though, I rather hope not)

 

Chin up. Time heals all!

[kendahke]

Why do you want to get back with him to get more of the same? You'll be exactly where you are now: not with him. He wasn't giving you what you wanted in the first place; he's certainly not going to start doing it now.

 

From what you wrote, he doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship with you. A man who does acts like it--there is no mistaking it. He doesn't leave you hanging for a week after ignoring you on VDay. A guy who ignores his girlfriend on VDay isn't into her and doesn't want to give her any ideas that he wants more with her. Yeah, he told he does, but that's called lip service: there was absolutely no action put in place behind those words.

 

Go NC with him and keep moving forward without him. You can do better and you know it.

[blugurrl]

Thanks so much I have had no contact for over a month after he replied to me. It is like my brain and heart are being overtaken. I think about him and cry all the time fearing I made a mistake. Thinking of reasons to reach out to him. But I am scared if I do he will reject me. Why is it that I feel like he broke up with me instead of me with him. You are right about not being chased and let go. I haven't met anyone in a long time and I am in my 40s and guys become scare and the ones in shape want younger women. I also really really liked this guy, had amazing chemistry. Logical my mind knows he was ****ty but I can't seem to get my emotions to understand it. Ugh

[Mrlonelyone]

Thanks so much I have had no contact for over a month after he replied to me. It is like my brain and heart are being overtaken. I think about him and cry all the time fearing I made a mistake. Thinking of reasons to reach out to him. But I am scared if I do he will reject me. Why is it that I feel like he broke up with me instead of me with him. You are right about not being chased and let go. I haven't met anyone in a long time and I am in my 40s and guys become scare and the ones in shape want younger women. I also really really liked this guy, had amazing chemistry. Logical my mind knows he was ****ty but I can't seem to get my emotions to understand it. Ugh

 

 

I know how much it sux. Mid 40's I would say just let him go and find someone who is on the same page as you. I am mid 30's myself and can only imagine that by mid 40's I would be looking to not fool around with such nonsense.

 

 

I will say to you what I have said to others. Weigh the pros and cons of starting over with someone new VS the guy you had. Someone new can be a fresh clean start, they provide you with a new set of people to meet, they can turn out better than the old guy.

 

On the other hand in the midst of a break up you have gotten to see how this guy really is when he is no longer trying to make nice at all. You have seen how dark and bad it can get. Depending on how he acted it can either be a plus or a minus. (i.e. you know that he won't say go nuts and be abusive or harm you or your kids you may have/had physically at the worst of times.

[Satu]

Hi

*He is a very closed off guy and communication is not his forte.

 

*Sounds like half a person.

 

Someone who is not in contact with their feelings, and can't communicate, isn't really there in fullest sense.

 

*Maybe you were the one who was expected to do all the feeling and communicating.

[Poppyolive]

You're hurting because he didn't fight for you. That has got to hurt. It seems that his heart wasn't in it. That should not effect how you feel about yourself.

 

You did the right thing, others wish they had the strength you had to end it even though you wanted to fight for it.

 

Please don't find excuses to message him. That's just going backwards. If he wanted you he would of made the effort. Not dissed you on VD and more importantly wouldn't of let you wait a week, knowing you were hurting.

 

Out this effort in to healing abd moving forward, exciting times await!

[kendahke]

OP--I think you need to get unstuck from the notion of him or any man "fighting" for you. Fighting against what, exactly? That he no longer is interested in the same thing as you are? Why would you want someone who even has to overcome that? He should want to be with you without any kind of fighting. That's an internal battle to which you are not even a party--don't make it yours.

 

Anything that has to be fought for screams incompatibility. Some relationships are not meant to be. There is such a thing as two people not at all being right for one another and no amount of fighting will make two wrongs right.

[fireflywy]

OP--I think you need to get unstuck from the notion of him or any man "fighting" for you. Fighting against what, exactly? That he no longer is interested in the same thing as you are? Why would you want someone who even has to overcome that? He should want to be with you without any kind of fighting. That's an internal battle to which you are not even a party--don't make it yours.

 

Anything that has to be fought for screams incompatibility. Some relationships are not meant to be. There is such a thing as two people not at all being right for one another and no amount of fighting will make two wrongs right.

 

I don't agree completely. When you say anything that has to be fought for screams incompatibility doesn't address differenences in communication styles, needs, etc that come from no two people being exactly alike. Are there many things that can't be overcome due to too much differences? Yes however, as life is never stagnant and because we are in constant states of change, you DO learn to put into effort for those things that are important to you and those thngs which can be fixed by a few changes. Many of us had to struggle with a class to reach a satisfying careeer point, perhaps some people had internal life struggles they had to overcome, etc, etc Yet no one said, "Oops. Have to fight for it. Must not be compatible for it and thus I'm unable to grow. Let me throw in the towel."

 

With that said, if someone CAN choose to fight, DOES have room to grow, and actually CARES enough about a great outcome, then yes, you FIGHT for it. With that said, if they choose not too, for whateger reason, they just dont care, or they are just not internally capable, then you have to let them go.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't agree completely. When you say anything that has to be fought for screams incompatibility doesn't address differenences in communication styles, needs, etc that come from no two people being exactly alike. Are there many things that can't be overcome due to too much differences? Yes however, as life is never stagnant and because we are in constant states of change, you DO learn to put into effort for those things that are important to you and those thngs which can be fixed by a few changes. Many of us had to struggle with a class to reach a satisfying careeer point, perhaps some people had internal life struggles they had to overcome, etc, etc Yet no one said, "Oops. Have to fight for it. Must not be compatible for it and thus I'm unable to grow. Let me throw in the towel."

 

With that said, if someone CAN choose to fight, DOES have room to grow, and actually CARES enough about a great outcome, then yes, you FIGHT for it. With that said, if they choose not too, for whateger reason, they just dont care, or they are just not internally capable, then you have to let them go.

 

You fight for the relationship in the relationship, not after it's been broken. That's too late.

[fireflywy]

You fight for the relationship in the relationship, not after it's been broken. That's too late.

 

So basically, because someone errs and jumps the wrong way, there is nothing to fight for? There's no, "Gee. I'd like to fight for you but you broke up with me due to fear and now I refuse to try because my ego is hurt."

 

I agree that you fight for the relationship in the relationship but when someone makes a hasty jump, is only gone for a week, there is room to bring it back if there is a way to fnd common ground. I was a forced dumper after a year and half f various happenings and in my final moments before I broke up with her, I look her in the eyes, said I wanted to marry her, that I loved her but I felt, based on previous words she said, that I felt she was on a different page. At that moment, if she had cared, she would have fought. Instead all I got was a simple cold shrug and an "Okay." When I asked her if that's all she had to say she responded with "I don't fight for people who want to leave" followed by "Well we had a great time together." Not a tear, not a wait. Nothing. I never heard those things and it hurts like hell.

 

I just believe that people can hoose to fight for you if they cared. If they don't realize what they're losing, and choose not too, then you let them go.

[dvx]

Just call him.

[Simon Phoenix]

So basically, because someone errs and jumps the wrong way, there is nothing to fight for? There's no, "Gee. I'd like to fight for you but you broke up with me due to fear and now I refuse to try because my ego is hurt."

 

I agree that you fight for the relationship in the relationship but when someone makes a hasty jump, is only gone for a week, there is room to bring it back if there is a way to fnd common ground. I was a forced dumper after a year and half f various happenings and in my final moments before I broke up with her, I look her in the eyes, said I wanted to marry her, that I loved her but I felt, based on previous words she said, that I felt she was on a different page. At that moment, if she had cared, she would have fought. Instead all I got was a simple cold shrug and an "Okay." When I asked her if that's all she had to say she responded with "I don't fight for people who want to leave" followed by "Well we had a great time together." Not a tear, not a wait. Nothing. I never heard those things and it hurts like hell.

 

I just believe that people can hoose to fight for you if they cared. If they don't realize what they're losing, and choose not too, then you let them go.

 

Very rarely are these dumpings "hasty" and knee-jerk, even though they seem that way to the dumpee. The dumper has usually worked through this for quite a while before pulling the cord. I'm sorry, once it's gotten to the point of dumping you "fighting" for the dumper comes off as weak and pathetic and just drives the stake into the heart deeper. I mean, I get why people subscribe to this -- Hollywood romantic comedies have dictated this narrative for decades -- but those romantic comedies are meant to entertain, not to serve as templates for how to maintain and obtain a successful relationship.

[BlackbirdSong]

in my final moments before I broke up with her, I look her in the eyes, said I wanted to marry her, that I loved her but I felt, based on previous words she said, that I felt she was on a different page. At that moment, if she had cared, she would have fought. Instead all I got was a simple cold shrug and an "Okay." When I asked her if that's all she had to say she responded with "I don't fight for people who want to leave" followed by "Well we had a great time together." Not a tear, not a wait. Nothing. I never heard those things and it hurts like hell.

 

I just believe that people can choose to fight for you if they cared. If they don't realize what they're losing, and choose not too, then you let them go.

 

When my ex dumped me I was in such a state of shock that I didn't know what to say. I wanted to fight so bad, but I was paralyzed. Only later, when the shock wore off I found the words that I had wished I had said. By then it was way too late, she was already long gone.

 

Later on, she texted me, "If you really wanted me to stay, you wouldn't have let me leave". Talk about a kick to the nuts. Haven't heard from her since (2 months ago). I wish I fought.

[fireflywy]

Very rarely are these dumpings "hasty" and knee-jerk, even though they seem that way to the dumpee. The dumper has usually worked through this for quite a while before pulling the cord. I'm sorry, once it's gotten to the point of dumping you "fighting" for the dumper comes off as weak and pathetic and just drives the stake into the heart deeper. I mean, I get why people subscribe to this -- Hollywood romantic comedies have dictated this narrative for decades -- but those romantic comedies are meant to entertain, not to serve as templates for how to maintain and obtain a successful relationship.

 

Not in all cases and especially not in my case. Lol Only a week later, when I, at least in MY situation, didn't really want to cut it off but was basically forced to as the dumper (actually became dumpee) lol. I guess I just don't agree in every situation. With that said, it just proved to me that my instincts were right!

 

As for Darkbloom, I went back to fight for her and still got nada and she certainly knew, without a doubt, that I cared and wanted to make things work even though things, ended, I was only away for a week.

Edited April 6, 2015 by fireflywy

[Simon Phoenix]

When my ex dumped me I was in such a state of shock that I didn't know what to say. I wanted to fight so bad, but I was paralyzed. Only later, when the shock wore off I found the words that I had wished I had said. By then it was way too late, she was already long gone.

 

Later on, she texted me, "If you really wanted me to stay, you wouldn't have let me leave". Talk about a kick to the nuts. Haven't heard from her since (2 months ago). I wish I fought.

 

That's some manipulative crap. Honestly, you're better off not being with someone who will play games with you like that. If you would have "fought" it would have been a very temporary fix, if that, kind of like putting chewed bubble gum into a dam leak.

[fireflywy]

I guess I should just put it this way, I basically, based on her complacency (and I don't say this lightly as I really was the big sustainer of the relationship) broke up with her because I didn't feel she cared. When I did it, I went through a lot of agony coming to the decision and hours before zero hour I remember a great emotoional upheavel. When I finally said the words, I was hoping, there at the end of all things us, that she would let me know that we were worth fighting for before the long walk because i had been the one trying so hard. Everyone told me that I couldn't be afraid to walk away and that if someone really cared, especially if they knew you loved them truly and were giving your all, they would fight for you.

 

I guess that wasn't the case and the old adage "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you they are yours; if they dont, they never were." Was proven right in my case.

 

That's all I'm saying. She could have fought, I was still there just not in the same room. She wasn't and she didnt and all she left mee, left all that was us was "Wed still be together if you hadn't ended it" b.s.

 

And then, when I wanted her back, I was ignored. Now I'm on 60 days of NC and she's moved on. (She was on a dating website the next day.) Says it all.

Edited April 6, 2015 by fireflywy