Affair blew up

[MoreFire]

wondering how you think a relationship with someone willing to have an affair while married is a good decision.

If you were so unhappy in your marriage why didn't you divorce your wife first? I see lots of justification and excuses to why you had an affair.

 

Because in the real "flawed" world people test relationships first ,the fact 10 years he married a woman doesn't mean he won't never ever find someone else he s more attracted to or have greater chemistry with . It's human nature .

Being married doesn't mean that person will fulfill all your needs or you won't find better along the way .

[MJJean]

Because in the real "flawed" world people test relationships first ,the fact 10 years he married a woman doesn't mean he won't never ever find someone else he s more attracted to or have greater chemistry with . It's human nature .

Being married doesn't mean that person will fulfill all your needs or you won't find better along the way .

 

It's normal and natural that married people find others attractive or even find someone in the course of their lives that they share a stronger chemistry with than they have with their spouses. That's not an excuse, reason, or justification, for engaging in an affair. Last I checked, the vows did include "forsaking all others".

 

Of course one's spouse cannot meet all of their needs. That's why we have friends and family. To pick up the slack, so to speak. Not having all of one's needs met is also not a reason, justification, or excuse to have an affair.

 

If one wishes to "test" another relationship that person needs to be single to do it.

 

First, because it's dishonorable and cruel to cheat.

 

Second, because the relationship shared during an affair is not the same thing as an actual relationship complete with responsibilities, a job to work, bills to pay, kids to raise, a household to run, etc. An affair is a fantasy, a break from reality. You can't compare a relationship between two people in Fantasy Land to what their relationship would be in the real world.

[10thengineerharrison]

Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate that you are not judgmental in your comments. Most of them comments I received from other people have been ok, some brutally honest which is fine and a couple completely judgmental...I get it, I was wrong and stupid, I don't really need a lecture on morality.

 

No offense, but maybe you really do need a lecture. Not just on morality, but integrity and honesty. Don't expect us all to just say stuff or agree with you to make you feel better. What you need may be very different from what you think you want.

 

I'm really just tying to find my way past the heartbreak at this point.

 

I understand that at this point in time you're still reeling from the breakup, and you need to get back on your emotional two feet. But once you do that, then what? Will you come clean to your wife and give her the opportunity to make her own decisions about her marriage? Or will you keep her in the dark as long as you can, so that when she DOES find out on her own, the damage is all that much worse, because you still can't be honest with her?

 

I was going into Safeway yesterday when I noticed my AP's car in the parking lot. I turned around walked back to my car and left...I could't bear seeing her with NC. I'm not sure if I should have just got it over with or not.

 

Got what over with? Some fantasy that you can still be "friends" and that your wife doesn't need to know? I think you made the right choice for now, though.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

[cocorico]

 

Second, because the relationship shared during an affair is not the same thing as an actual relationship complete with responsibilities, a job to work, bills to pay, kids to raise, a household to run, etc. An affair is a fantasy, a break from reality. You can't compare a relationship between two people in Fantasy Land to what their relationship would be in the real world.

 

You'd be surprised. I was. I'd also believed all the spin about As being "fantasy" etc but when it came down to it, it was two people sharing more and more of their lives with each other, showing the good, the bad, the ugly and the deeply hidden - because in a "low stakes" environment (as an A initially presents) it's far easier to take those risks. And that sharing builds intimacy, and you fall in love, and next thing you're sharing the chores, the tedium, your work day minutiae, your family travails... And one day as you're sitting together paying bills, and sorting laundry, and discussing how to handle the kid who's acting out at school, you realise - but this *is* real life! There are no fantasies. And we're a great team - far better than (WS & BS). Perhaps we should do this full-time.

 

And so you do. And the daily lived reality of being a couple is everything you imagined, and more. No nasty surprises. Just.... No more pain.

[cocorico]

Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate that you are not judgmental in your comments. Most of them comments I received from other people have been ok, some brutally honest which is fine and a couple completely judgmental...I get it, I was wrong and stupid, I don't really need a lecture on morality. I'm really just tying to find my way past the heartbreak at this point. I was going into Safeway yesterday when I noticed my AP's car in the parking lot. I turned around walked back to my car and left...I could't bear seeing her with NC. I'm not sure if I should have just got it over with or not.

 

If it's NC, then seeing her isn't it. NC is *no* contact, not just no scheduled A time. Seeing her in a shop can quickly become saying hi, which quickly becomes stopping to talk in the checkout queue which quickly becomes talking about the A. That isn't NC. NC is seeing her car and leaving, as you did.

 

One day when you no longer care enough even to notice (or recognise) her car, it will no longer matter if you see her in the shop. Then she'll be just like anyone else to you.

[autumnnight]

OP, it has been my experience that the people who say they don't want a lecture, the people who proclaim their "unique morality," the people who appear stone-faced in the face of the FACT that participation in deception and INSTIGATING said deception IS a moral failing....

 

Those people need a moral lecture more than anyone, but they are not capable of listening to it or changing. Someone who makes the very knowledgeable and calculated decision to go after and pursue someone who is legally and societally committed to someone else does not have "a unique morality;" they have NO morality.

[goodyblue]

OP, it has been my experience that the people who say they don't want a lecture, the people who proclaim their "unique morality," the people who appear stone-faced in the face of the FACT that participation in deception and INSTIGATING said deception IS a moral failing....

 

Those people need a moral lecture more than anyone, but they are not capable of listening to it or changing. Someone who makes the very knowledgeable and calculated decision to go after and pursue someone who is legally and societally committed to someone else does not have "a unique morality;" they have NO morality.

 

I was OW. I had a similar experience to CoCo. My guy left the marriage, we have been together for some years now and we are happy.

 

Oh, and i moved across the country with 4 of my six kids to be with him. My two oldest kids stayed put, are grown and on tgeir own.

 

If you think you really love AP, why would you stay with your wife? Is that really fair to her?

[autumnnight]

I was OW. I had a similar experience to CoCo. My guy left the marriage, we have been together for some years now and we are happy.

 

Oh, and i moved across the country with 4 of my six kids to be with him. My two oldest kids stayed put, are grown and on tgeir own.

 

If you think you really love AP, why would you stay with your wife? Is that really fair to her?

 

Did you mean to quote me, or was it another case in point? I'm confused.

[goodyblue]

Did you mean to quote me, or was it another case in point? I'm confused.

 

Doh! Sorry Autumn, I hit the wrong button.

[Phxguy2001]

I was OW. I had a similar experience to CoCo. My guy left the marriage, we have been together for some years now and we are happy.

 

Oh, and i moved across the country with 4 of my six kids to be with him. My two oldest kids stayed put, are grown and on tgeir own.

 

If you think you really love AP, why would you stay with your wife? Is that really fair to her?

 

It is nice to hear a success story from an affair, it is somewhat encouraging. Even though I do love my AP a lot, I am sure that it will fade with time. I had my window of opportunity and I passed. It is something that I struggle with everyday and will probably haunt me for years to come.

[Phxguy2001]

If it's NC, then seeing her isn't it. NC is *no* contact, not just no scheduled A time. Seeing her in a shop can quickly become saying hi, which quickly becomes stopping to talk in the checkout queue which quickly becomes talking about the A. That isn't NC. NC is seeing her car and leaving, as you did.

 

One day when you no longer care enough even to notice (or recognise) her car, it will no longer matter if you see her in the shop. Then she'll be just like anyone else to you.

 

I will admit that if I saw her out somewhere and if she engaged me, I probably would chat her up, and I know that would be a mistake. Going NC is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I will continue to do my part...I don't however have enough will power to ignore her if she approaches me.

I cannot wait for the day that I no longer care if I see her.

[truncated]

I know you don't want to hear it it, but you don't love her, you love who you think she is.

 

You gloss over the fact that this woman who claims to be abused, will continue to keep her children in that environment unless you are there to save her. That amounts to emotional blackmail. She is basically saying "unless you choose me, my children and I will remain somewhere where we are being abused. There fore , it will be your fault that we are unhappy".

 

That's very manipulative and also extremely unloving.

[elaine567]

This appears to be a common tale, the abused wife turns to the MM for support, EA then PA.

ON dday, MM throws her under a bus.

 

My take on this scenario, is not the B*tch with 5 kids was looking for a loser to take her on, by take is MM in unhappy marriage looking around for likely candidate to have an affair with.

If he approaches happily married women they will tell him to get lost, if he approaches a lot of stable single women he will get a similar reply, "Get back to your wife", but if he approaches someone who is having a hard time in their marriage, then the likelihood of him worming his way is improved greatly.

 

Abused women usually have low esteem, they are hungry for attention and affection. They are weighed down by reality, they want to be treated like a real human being.

Along comes our hero with a friendly manner and listening ear and she thinks he is wonderful, he understands, he is genuine and caring. Prince Charming does exist after all. She begins to see there may be a way out of the hell-hole of her life. Her faith in men restored she can move forward.

Only Prince Charming is a double dealer and a future faker, his real allegiance is to his wife, the abused woman gets thrown under the bus, her hopes and dreams shattered, her "rescuer" is in reality just a lily livered coward.

 

HE then plays the victim...

[elaine567]

 

One day when you no longer care enough even to notice (or recognise) her car, it will no longer matter if you see her in the shop. Then she'll be just like anyone else to you.

 

OK but does that ever really happen?

I think we will always recognise exes, and I doubt they ever become like anyone else.

Our hearts may not be involved I agree, I am not going to burst into tears or reach for a hammer, but they are never going to be just like anyone else.

[stillafool]

This appears to be a common tale, the abused wife turns to the MM for support, EA then PA.

ON dday, MM throws her under a bus.

 

My take on this scenario, is not the B*tch with 5 kids was looking for a loser to take her on, by take is MM in unhappy marriage looking around for likely candidate to have an affair with.

If he approaches happily married women they will tell him to get lost, if he approaches a lot of stable single women he will get a similar reply, "Get back to your wife", but if he approaches someone who is having a hard time in their marriage, then the likelihood of him worming his way is improved greatly.

 

Abused women usually have low esteem, they are hungry for attention and affection. They are weighed down by reality, they want to be treated like a real human being.

Along comes our hero with a friendly manner and listening ear and she thinks he is wonderful, he understands, he is genuine and caring. Prince Charming does exist after all. She begins to see there may be a way out of the hell-hole of her life. Her faith in men restored she can move forward.

Only Prince Charming is a double dealer and a future faker, his real allegiance is to his wife, the abused woman gets thrown under the bus, her hopes and dreams shattered, her "rescuer" is in reality just a lily livered coward.

 

HE then plays the victim...

 

I completely agree with the above. Why is it when a couple is involved in an affair they say the reason is because the husband neglects them and is abusive, the wife does not fulfill the husband and the marriage is dead. If this is so true why is it when D-day arrives you don't take that opportunity to leave your betrayed spouses and be together? Afterall, you both claim the affair partners are the love of your lives, your soul mate, so why don't you take the opportunity to divorce your spouses and marry each other?

[truncated]

This appears to be a common tale, the abused wife turns to the MM for support, EA then PA.

ON dday, MM throws her under a bus.

 

My take on this scenario, is not the B*tch with 5 kids was looking for a loser to take her on, by take is MM in unhappy marriage looking around for likely candidate to have an affair with.

If he approaches happily married women they will tell him to get lost, if he approaches a lot of stable single women he will get a similar reply, "Get back to your wife", but if he approaches someone who is having a hard time in their marriage, then the likelihood of him worming his way is improved greatly.

 

Abused women usually have low esteem, they are hungry for attention and affection. They are weighed down by reality, they want to be treated like a real human being.

Along comes our hero with a friendly manner and listening ear and she thinks he is wonderful, he understands, he is genuine and caring. Prince Charming does exist after all. She begins to see there may be a way out of the hell-hole of her life. Her faith in men restored she can move forward.

Only Prince Charming is a double dealer and a future faker, his real allegiance is to his wife, the abused woman gets thrown under the bus, her hopes and dreams shattered, her "rescuer" is in reality just a lily livered coward.

 

HE then plays the victim...

 

so he is a worm and a future faking double dealing married man, and she is the poor innocent widdle married woman?

 

That's a double standard.

[truncated]

Speaking of double standards, why is it that a bs who has just heard the devastating news that they have been acted on lambasted on here, mostly by ow or ws, should they act in some way that they perceive as being hurtful to the kids, yet if a married woman says she is being mistreated by her spouse, then all her behavior, no matter how hurtful it may be, is somehow okay?

 

Would not being cheated on be the one of the ultimate forms of emotional abuse? If a bs is expected to put the needs of her/his kids first ( which is as it should be) even though she has been emotionally abused by the affair, then why is a ws or ow not held to the same standard?

 

In the op's case, she is putting herself first, and not her kids. She says she's being emotionaly abused, yet would be happy to keep the affair going while staying in her marriage and exposing he kids to that. I'm sorry, but to me, that makes her not so great of a mom.

Edited April 8, 2015 by truncated

[Furious]

Thank you for all of your frank responses, I appreciate it. I guess that I have 2 reasons for not telling my wife and/or divorcing her. She has just passed her 120 days of sobriety and I am concerned what that news would do to her...I get it, my timing sucks. The other reason is the kids, I don't have any and am worried about that...2 of the five are on their own so I would be 3. I have not had any contact with my AP in 2 weeks now. We only live 1.5 miles apart so I have been avoiding places that she frequents. At some point I will bump into her, hopefully later rather then sooner so that I can move on. However, if I do see her soon I'm not sure what I'll do...probably get sucked in again. I know how stupid this sounds to many of you, but love is blind, deaf and in my case dumb. This was the first affair for both of us and we missed the learning curve for sure.

 

 

Are you attracted to damsels in distress?

 

Geez, trading in an alcoholic wife for a woman in an abusive marriage with five children. Are you ok with dealing with the potential of your OW's abusive husband? Do you think you'll be a great step -dad to the three kids still living at home? Are you ok that the spontaneity and romance may have to be curtailed with three step kids in your household?

[truncated]

Are you attracted to damsels in distress?

 

Geez, trading in an alcoholic wife for a woman in an abusive marriage with five children. Are you ok with dealing with the potential of your OW's abusive husband? Do you think you'll be a great step -dad to the three kids still living at home? Are you ok that the spontaneity and romance may have to be curtailed with three step kids in your household?

 

 

Not to mention the emotional and behavior problems the kids may present after having lived so long in an environment where mom was being "emotionally abused" .

[Phxguy2001]

This appears to be a common tale, the abused wife turns to the MM for support, EA then PA.

ON dday, MM throws her under a bus.

 

My take on this scenario, is not the B*tch with 5 kids was looking for a loser to take her on, by take is MM in unhappy marriage looking around for likely candidate to have an affair with.

If he approaches happily married women they will tell him to get lost, if he approaches a lot of stable single women he will get a similar reply, "Get back to your wife", but if he approaches someone who is having a hard time in their marriage, then the likelihood of him worming his way is improved greatly.

 

Abused women usually have low esteem, they are hungry for attention and affection. They are weighed down by reality, they want to be treated like a real human being.

Along comes our hero with a friendly manner and listening ear and she thinks he is wonderful, he understands, he is genuine and caring. Prince Charming does exist after all. She begins to see there may be a way out of the hell-hole of her life. Her faith in men restored she can move forward.

Only Prince Charming is a double dealer and a future faker, his real allegiance is to his wife, the abused woman gets thrown under the bus, her hopes and dreams shattered, her "rescuer" is in reality just a lily livered coward.

 

HE then plays the victim...

 

If you actually read my initial post you would see that I was good friends with my AP for four years before our relationship changed to a romantic one. It's not like I was trolling for a "likely candidate to have an affair with". As our relationship evolved we got emotionally closer and it just happened. Right or wrong, that is real life...and yes I know that I was wrong.

Victim? Really? I never claimed to be a victim, I only claimed to be heartbroken about the whole situation and was hoping others may have some insight into how to get past it.

[adna89]

I was OW. I had a similar experience to CoCo. My guy left the marriage, we have been together for some years now and we are happy.

 

Oh, and i moved across the country with 4 of my six kids to be with him. My two oldest kids stayed put, are grown and on tgeir own.

 

If you think you really love AP, why would you stay with your wife? Is that really fair to her?

 

How old were you? and do your kids still live with your and your OM?

[adna89]

I'm not sure if this a question or just a story that I have to tell. I just had a 5 month affair blow up recently. I am married for 20 years in my late forties with no children. I love my wife but she has made live very hard for us. She has been through rehab 3 times for pain meds and has no real interest in sex. My affair partner is a wonderful woman also in her late forties, but with 5 kids and a mentally abusive husband. We have been really good friends for four years and have always been very flirty. About 6 months ago we realized that we were much more then friends and slowly started changing our relationship to a romantic one. We both knew that this would be difficult but we were determined to make a go of it.

I would always see her at her place of business and we would make believe that we were only friends. The both of us were truly in love with one another to the point of being silly and stupid. Because of out limited time alone we only had sex a handful of times. The chemistry that we had was like nothing else I have ever experienced before. We really had talked about leaving our spouses to be together...that was until she got caught in a lie when she was with me.

Her husband knew she was lying and then he checked the cell phone records. I know how stupid we were, thousands of calls and texts of the course of 5 months. She finally gave me up 3 weeks ago and things have gone off a cliff.

My wife knows something is going on but does really not want to know. My affair partner and I tried to keep in contact covertly after things blew up until last week.

She was at a restaurant by herself and I walked in and had a great conversation until her husband saw her car in the parking lot and walked in. He confronted me and took a swing at me before some other gentlemen intervened. It has gone from bad to almost worst case scenario. The husband wants my partner to take out a retraining order against me in order for them to stay married. After she told me that, I asked her not to contact me again and blocked her from all my social media and cell phone. She had asked me to leave my wife and rescue her but I could not pull the trigger. I truly regret that decision.

Very long story kinda short, both of us are completely heartbroken at this abrupt ending and don't know what to do. I have not spoken to her in a week and do not anticipate talking anytime soon. She does not want to lose her children.

Other then the obvious that we were complete idiots, any ideas on how to get through this heartbreak? I cannot bear the thought of never being able to be her friend again.

 

No you do not love her,you think now,and it feels so.But seriously are you ready to have 5 of her kids with you? do you think your "love" is strong enough for that? i truly doubt.All affairs are wonderful and romantic in start but thats not "REAL LIFE"

[cocorico]

OK but does that ever really happen?

I think we will always recognise exes, and I doubt they ever become like anyone else.

Our hearts may not be involved I agree, I am not going to burst into tears or reach for a hammer, but they are never going to be just like anyone else.

 

I guess we're different. I often don't recognise exes, especially if I've not seen them for a while. And to me, they do feel just like anyone else. I get more of a buzz having a good interaction with the till operator at the supermarket than I get from bumping into an ex.

[autumnnight]

OK but does that ever really happen?

I think we will always recognise exes, and I doubt they ever become like anyone else.

Our hearts may not be involved I agree, I am not going to burst into tears or reach for a hammer, but they are never going to be just like anyone else.

 

I think much of this depends on a person's ability to attach and connect to others, their overall depth, and their level of empathy. A person with empathy, without disrupted attachment, etc. will likely never view an ex lover or partner the same way they view the mailman or the grocery bagger. However, a person without the ability to deeply attach, without empathy, without that internal "fellow man" thinking will likely be able to take and discard partners and relationships more easily.

[elaine567]

I think much of this depends on a person's ability to attach and connect to others, their overall depth, and their level of empathy. A person with empathy, without disrupted attachment, etc. will likely never view an ex lover or partner the same way they view the mailman or the grocery bagger. However, a person without the ability to deeply attach, without empathy, without that internal "fellow man" thinking will likely be able to take and discard partners and relationships more easily.

 

Good point.