Bomb dropped. Losing my best friend.

[LurkingThanks]

Dear xxxx,

 

I wanted to write you this letter to let you know that I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting about us since we have separated.

 

What we have is an incredible bond, friendship, and sense of trust. When I asked you to be my wife, I felt as if our life together would be a continuation of all the good times we have shared over the years, as well as making a new and even better future together.

 

The morning of our wedding day, Xxx came up to my hotel room to wish us the best, and said he has never seen two people look at one another with such happiness. I told him it's easy to do so when two people have found each other and accept one another unconditionally.

 

Looking at my beautiful bride walk down the aisle made me melt. Knowing we were continuing our journey through life hand-in-hand was the best feeling anyone could ask for. I mean, it was even better than seeing you come back to figure out where I was on our biking trip in Xxxxx! That damn bell didn't save me on that day!

 

I know life has had some bumps along the way; but I also know that you are my best friend, my lover, and my partner in crime. What we have makes a lot of people jealous, and for that we should thank one another because it comes so naturally to us. It's a gift we share that nobody else can give us.

 

Now, I can and do completely understand how life's curveballs can make our sparkle seem less electric, but it most certainly has not dulled it. We have to catch these curveballs and make them work for us.

 

As I sit here now and think about us, I finally understand how we need to be. I do know is that our bed is missing one xxxx leg thrown over a XXXX leg. What I also know is that our home is missing silly songs and homemade dinners, and XXXX misses snuggle time with his mommy.

 

With all the soul searching I've done, I understand how I've come across to you during times you needed more support. I understand that, and it was never my intention to be blasé. I clearly see this, and I want you to know I'd still go to the ends of the earth to be your rock, your supporter, and your shield. Nothing has changed in the way I feel, and will adapt to your needs accordingly.

 

What I do know is that I don't want to divorce my best friend. At the same time I don't want my best friend and wife to feel that there is no hope for the XXXX and xxxx Show (which, by the way, is the best show ever made). We are the theme song to "Rocky" at 5 in the morning before your runs. We are jump starting cars in a parking lot in Xxxxx. We are the bench in Jersey City listening to the city hum. We are laughing as I catch the boat motor up in

Xxxx for the umpteenth time. We are breaking the couch in My old apartment. We are watching some weird truck driver feed XXXX cheeseburgers in a McDonald's parking lot. We are toasting marshmallows in the fire pit. We are NOT needing a map walking around Boston. What I'm trying to say is that we are all great moments worth fighting for.

 

No marriage is ever 100% bliss, but our bond and dedication to one another is too strong to just give up. We have the love. We have a connection. We have a great future together.

 

I won't ever give up on us. I won't ever give up on you. Please don't give up on me.

 

Love,

XXXX

[LurkingThanks]

It's really hard for me to even read this letter.

[GorillaTheater]

It's really hard for me to even read this letter.

 

Me too. It manages to trample on at least half of the tenets of the 180. Now, maybe you're thinking that you're not so doctrinaire as to hew to the 180 like some kind of gospel truth, but it exists for a reason.

 

To the extent you have a job as a husband, she's firing you. This is not the sort of letter you send to an employer who's terminating you. It comes across as needy and clingy, and that's not who you want to be right now. Certainly not if you want even a slim shot at restoring your marriage.

[KBarletta]

Dear xxxx,

 

I wanted to write you this letter to let you know that I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting about us since we have separated.

 

What we have is an incredible bond, friendship, and sense of trust. When I asked you to be my wife, I felt as if our life together would be a continuation of all the good times we have shared over the years, as well as making a new and even better future together.

 

The morning of our wedding day, Xxx came up to my hotel room to wish us the best, and said he has never seen two people look at one another with such happiness. I told him it's easy to do so when two people have found each other and accept one another unconditionally.

 

Looking at my beautiful bride walk down the aisle made me melt. Knowing we were continuing our journey through life hand-in-hand was the best feeling anyone could ask for. I mean, it was even better than seeing you come back to figure out where I was on our biking trip in Xxxxx! That damn bell didn't save me on that day!

 

I know life has had some bumps along the way; but I also know that you are my best friend, my lover, and my partner in crime. What we have makes a lot of people jealous, and for that we should thank one another because it comes so naturally to us. It's a gift we share that nobody else can give us.

 

Now, I can and do completely understand how life's curveballs can make our sparkle seem less electric, but it most certainly has not dulled it. We have to catch these curveballs and make them work for us.

 

As I sit here now and think about us, I finally understand how we need to be. I do know is that our bed is missing one xxxx leg thrown over a XXXX leg. What I also know is that our home is missing silly songs and homemade dinners, and XXXX misses snuggle time with his mommy.

 

With all the soul searching I've done, I understand how I've come across to you during times you needed more support. I understand that, and it was never my intention to be blasé. I clearly see this, and I want you to know I'd still go to the ends of the earth to be your rock, your supporter, and your shield. Nothing has changed in the way I feel, and will adapt to your needs accordingly.

 

What I do know is that I don't want to divorce my best friend. At the same time I don't want my best friend and wife to feel that there is no hope for the XXXX and xxxx Show (which, by the way, is the best show ever made). We are the theme song to "Rocky" at 5 in the morning before your runs. We are jump starting cars in a parking lot in Xxxxx. We are the bench in Jersey City listening to the city hum. We are laughing as I catch the boat motor up in

Xxxx for the umpteenth time. We are breaking the couch in My old apartment. We are watching some weird truck driver feed XXXX cheeseburgers in a McDonald's parking lot. We are toasting marshmallows in the fire pit. We are NOT needing a map walking around Boston. What I'm trying to say is that we are all great moments worth fighting for.

 

No marriage is ever 100% bliss, but our bond and dedication to one another is too strong to just give up. We have the love. We have a connection. We have a great future together.

 

I won't ever give up on us. I won't ever give up on you. Please don't give up on me.

 

Love,

XXXX

 

 

It's hard to offer critical advice when it's a heartfelt thing such as this, and many on here would simply say "Don't Send" in every case and leave it at that.

 

That said, if you are determined to send it, I would say that it sounds like a little too much sentimental, emotional stuff and not enough about what you actually have to do to save the relationship. Counseling, building communication and trust again, consciously spending quality time together, etc. I'd say it's too much about the past and not enough about how the future will be different. In my opinion, someone in your wife's shoes isn't interested in looking back, and there is too much in here that does that. The past, to her, wasn't good enough to stick around, so talking too much about the past isn't likely to do much for her. Acknowledging that things have to change is important. I'm not sure that case is made here. Just my $0.02.

 

KTB

[KBarletta]

It comes across as needy and clingy, and that's not who you want to be right now. Certainly not if you want even a slim shot at restoring your marriage.

 

I agree with this sentiment.

[LurkingThanks]

Ugh. Guess it's just time to shut it down and wait for her move. I guess I should tell her I'm not going to file. She has to file.

[KBarletta]

Dear xxxx,

 

I wanted to write you this letter to let you know that I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting about us since we have separated.

 

What we have is an incredible bond, friendship, and sense of trust. When I asked you to be my wife, I felt as if our life together would be a continuation of all the good times we have shared over the years, as well as making a new and even better future together.

 

The morning of our wedding day, Xxx came up to my hotel room to wish us the best, and said he has never seen two people look at one another with such happiness. I told him it's easy to do so when two people have found each other and accept one another unconditionally.

 

Looking at my beautiful bride walk down the aisle made me melt. Knowing we were continuing our journey through life hand-in-hand was the best feeling anyone could ask for. I mean, it was even better than seeing you come back to figure out where I was on our biking trip in Xxxxx! That damn bell didn't save me on that day!

 

I know life has had some bumps along the way; but I also know that you are my best friend, my lover, and my partner in crime. What we have makes a lot of people jealous, and for that we should thank one another because it comes so naturally to us. It's a gift we share that nobody else can give us.

 

Now, I can and do completely understand how life's curveballs can make our sparkle seem less electric, but it most certainly has not dulled it. We have to catch these curveballs and make them work for us.

 

As I sit here now and think about us, I finally understand how we need to be. I do know is that our bed is missing one xxxx leg thrown over a XXXX leg. What I also know is that our home is missing silly songs and homemade dinners, and XXXX misses snuggle time with his mommy.

 

With all the soul searching I've done, I understand how I've come across to you during times you needed more support. I understand that, and it was never my intention to be blasé. I clearly see this, and I want you to know I'd still go to the ends of the earth to be your rock, your supporter, and your shield. Nothing has changed in the way I feel, and will adapt to your needs accordingly.

 

What I do know is that I don't want to divorce my best friend. At the same time I don't want my best friend and wife to feel that there is no hope for the XXXX and xxxx Show (which, by the way, is the best show ever made). We are the theme song to "Rocky" at 5 in the morning before your runs. We are jump starting cars in a parking lot in Xxxxx. We are the bench in Jersey City listening to the city hum. We are laughing as I catch the boat motor up in

Xxxx for the umpteenth time. We are breaking the couch in My old apartment. We are watching some weird truck driver feed XXXX cheeseburgers in a McDonald's parking lot. We are toasting marshmallows in the fire pit. We are NOT needing a map walking around Boston. What I'm trying to say is that we are all great moments worth fighting for.

 

No marriage is ever 100% bliss, but our bond and dedication to one another is too strong to just give up. We have the love. We have a connection. We have a great future together.

 

I won't ever give up on us. I won't ever give up on you. Please don't give up on me.

 

Love,

XXXX

 

I took a second look at this. Honestly, if I were to edit this (it's what I do for a living, so I am not an amateur ), I would keep the pieces in bold, tell her you still love her and that you are ready to make changes to your relationship to make it last, and therefore you want to give marriage counseling another shot. I'd probably get rid of the rest, as I think it's going to do more to push her away than get her back.

[GorillaTheater]

I took a second look at this. Honestly, if I were to edit this (it's what I do for a living, so I am not an amateur ), I would keep the pieces in bold, tell her you still love her and that you are ready to make changes to your relationship to make it last, and therefore you want to give marriage counseling another shot. I'd probably get rid of the rest, as I think it's going to do more to push her away than get her back.

 

I can get behind that, and it also provides a pretty good segue for telling her that if she wants the divorce, she's the one who's going to have to file for it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I took a second look at this. Honestly, if I were to edit this (it's what I do for a living, so I am not an amateur ), I would keep the pieces in bold, tell her you still love her and that you are ready to make changes to your relationship to make it last, and therefore you want to give marriage counseling another shot. I'd probably get rid of the rest, as I think it's going to do more to push her away than get her back.

 

I think KB's editing advice is solid, but I have this concern:

 

Your letter shoulders the entire blame for the issues behind your separation. And to that point, it may simply reinforce how she already sees you. You're the guy she left and doesn't trust enough to go back to.

 

The value of the 180 is its ability to present you in a different light. Heck, if you follow the steps you WILL be a different person. And I like the new man's chances better than the old guy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

From a female perspective, the over emphasis on "best friend," and how you "don't want to divorce your best friend," sounds bizarre to me. I wouldn't like that portion of the letter at all. It would re-affirm to me the marriage is not what is supposed to be, it has become reduced to the level of best friends, eh. Maybe that is an issue you need to think about.

 

In fact, I don't think a letter is ever a good idea, according to the large research base on these matters (see Homer McDonald in critical Readings Pinned Thread for the psychological angle on this topic. You might not agree with many of his ideas - but, I think the tapes can give you some insight).

 

If you just HAVE TO write something, I would keep it FACTUAL and CURRENT, no violin music (cuddles with son), that is a thing that induces guilt. No walk down memory lane - that is the past, those are YOUR memories suddenly, now that things are on the rocks. Not a good idea to push nice-nice memories onto a woman that is conflicted about you for whatever reason.

 

For example, a CURRENT, FACTUAL message to reach out to her might be -- you have found another MC, and simply write a note to her that you've located and made an appointment with the new MC, and you'd like her to join you, only if she wishes (and provide date, time, location). Period. Her silence and/ non-appearance will be your answer of her position. Say nothing about it, have no expectations.

 

Don't even bother with the MC if you just have a hidden agenda of hoping that she attends - it will be a complete waste. Go, with the intention of making the effort to save your marriage (as opposed to the letter), as with this method, you're are taking palpable ACTION to become a husband. Go to MC with No Expectation that she attends. But, you can invite her - that is the only written info I would give. [The letter is just a bunch of words - no measurable action].

 

Whatever she decides, keep attending for yourself. Be aloof, and demonstrate your willingness to work on being a better marital partner, if not for her, then someone else. That is the attitude you have to take, although it is counter-intuitive.

 

Like the other LSer's have said, that letter sounds needy, clingy, self-absorbed, and like a sad puppy dog, begging by way of citing heartfelt good times of the past. Yuck. Don't do it. Burn it. The past is gone.

 

Do not talk about the relationship (past, present or future). That is just not on the table for discussion at this particular time. Look at the 180's. That is my take. Hope this helps. Yas

[LurkingThanks]

You guys are right. I'm not going to send this letter.

 

My counselor gave her a bunch of names back in January so she could check each one out. As of a few days ago, she hasn't done so.

 

My wife is my best friend. She's my confidant and lover. I don't think a spouse being referee to as a best friend is a bad thing - but I could be wrong.

 

I also remember her telling me a few months ago that she was bored and said our marriage would be great if we were in our 60's. That hurt me, but her grueling work schedule makes it such that she sleeps a lot on the weekend. I guess I should have dragged her out of bed to go do more.

 

Once she returns from Easter, I'll tell her the I'm not going to file. If she thinks this is the best for her, then she can go file for a divorce. I do want her to be happy. In the meantime, I'll start eating again and get back on my bike.

 

I love this woman with every ounce of my being and this situation makes me terribly distraught.

[Mr. Lucky]

I love this woman with every ounce of my being and this situation makes me terribly distraught.

 

We've all BTDT. You'll eventually realize that loving someone who doesn't love you back (using love as a verb here) isn't helping either one of you. One step - or mile on your bike - at a time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[coryreply]

You guys are right. I'm not going to send this letter.

 

My counselor gave her a bunch of names back in January so she could check each one out. As of a few days ago, she hasn't done so.

 

My wife is my best friend. She's my confidant and lover. I don't think a spouse being referee to as a best friend is a bad thing - but I could be wrong.

 

I also remember her telling me a few months ago that she was bored and said our marriage would be great if we were in our 60's. That hurt me, but her grueling work schedule makes it such that she sleeps a lot on the weekend. I guess I should have dragged her out of bed to go do more.

 

Once she returns from Easter, I'll tell her the I'm not going to file. If she thinks this is the best for her, then she can go file for a divorce. I do want her to be happy. In the meantime, I'll start eating again and get back on my bike.

 

I love this woman with every ounce of my being and this situation makes me terribly distraught.

 

Thinking about you today, bro. Hope you are okay. Hang in there!

[LurkingThanks]

Thanks, guys.

 

We met for dinner on Tuesday night. I asked her when we sat down if she was still leaning towards divorce and she said "I think so". A little heartbreaking but I understand.

 

I have been putting a list together (per my counselor) on where I think the marriage went wrong. Turns out, I wasn't listening to a lot of my wife's subtle hints. She got frustrated and left. Thinking back on this, I'd have left me, too.

 

Anyway, I apologozed to her on where I failed, and she apologized as well. We both said we missed one another and love one another. I really miss cheering her on in life and seeing her shine.

 

She said she went to the courthouse last week and couldn't bring herself to file. It's the same thing I couldn't do as well. She also told me that she is not sure if we should get back together because of the hurt I caused.

 

I told her to let my actions show her - not my words. I also told her that her original husband will be buried and we must pay our last respects to him.

 

She's also super stressed from work, so I offered to make her dinner so she could relax, but she said that was too much as of right now.

 

Baby steps, I guess.

 

She did say that I look five years younger when we hugged one another before we got into our respective vehicles. That was nice to hear that from her. I'm trying to be the husband she can be proud of and parade around. She's always been eye candy. It's my turn to return the favor.

Edited April 9, 2015 by LurkingThanks

[KBarletta]

I have been putting a list together (per my counselor) on where I think the marriage went wrong. Turns out, I wasn't listening to a lot of my wife's subtle hints. She got frustrated and left. Thinking back on this, I'd have left me, too.

 

I think it is good to recognize where you have made mistakes, but in my opinion, not picking up "subtle hints" is not entirely your fault. I fell victim to this phenomenon as well, and in my opinion, if a subject is a make or break issue such that one partner is considering walking away from the marriage over it, it is up to them to do more than just drop hints. They need to be clear and direct and communicate their issues. Relying on subtle hints to get points across and then getting frustrated when they don't connect is not a constructive form of communication, in my opinion. Being direct and clear about your intentions and then seeing no results - THAT is a legit reason for frustration, and a legit reason to walk away.

 

As always, just my $0.02.

 

KTB

[LurkingThanks]

I think it is good to recognize where you have made mistakes, but in my opinion, not picking up "subtle hints" is not entirely your fault. I fell victim to this phenomenon as well, and in my opinion, if a subject is a make or break issue such that one partner is considering walking away from the marriage over it, it is up to them to do more than just drop hints. They need to be clear and direct and communicate their issues. Relying on subtle hints to get points across and then getting frustrated when they don't connect is not a constructive form of communication, in my opinion. Being direct and clear about your intentions and then seeing no results - THAT is a legit reason for frustration, and a legit reason to walk away.

 

As always, just my $0.02.

 

KTB

 

I agree. In hindsight, I should have seen them, but if she was really that unhappy, a conversation would have done the trick.

 

She still is reluctant to kiss me back, so we've resorted to hugging. I hope we can work it out. She knows I'm still madly in love with her.

[coryreply]

Thanks for the update. I'm hoping for the best for you, bro!

[LurkingThanks]

Thanks, cory.

 

I'm still trying to remain hopeful, but wondering if she'll really give me another chance.

 

There are things she needs to work on as well - like communication and being open. If I was a mind reader, I'd leave Jersey and move to Vegas to start a new career.

[LurkingThanks]

I texted her today to see how she was doing.

 

Very cool and short response. Don't know why I had to share this, but I am.

[DSP]

Looks as if she's backing off now. It's about time for you to do the same.

 

I would assume there is no need to text her so stop. It will be hard, but if you feel the need to text her there is a thread here on the forums that say Text here instead of your Ex. Drop those texts there.

 

If you do speak with her again don't go in for the kiss or hug. Time to disengage from her.

 

Sticking around hoping it's going to work out is only going to prolong the pain. Don't continue to hold out hope for this to be resolved with words and emotions.

 

If you start the paperwork there isn't anything holding you two back from working this out. It's not unheard of for two people to work it out before the papers are final. My friends parents divorced each other 4 times and are still together. Weird I know, but it takes all kinds of people to make the world spin.

 

Sorry for your loss we all have shared your pain.

[TexasMan68]

How about sending her this letter:

 

Dear XXX,

 

**** you and the horse your rode in on. I filed for divorce yesterday and as soon as it's final I'll find someone that isn't a piece of ****. Enjoy your life alone and if you want a friend go buy a ****ing dog.

 

Love,

XXX

[LurkingThanks]

Ha

 

She filed yesterday.

[dental]

Yup, it's over.

[LurkingThanks]

I'd say so.

[KBarletta]

Ha

 

She filed yesterday.

 

Sorry LT. Even though you knew this might happen, it's still hard to take.

 

I would say from here on out, you have two best friends:

 

1. Yourself.

2. NC.

 

Treat these two like they really are your best friends, and you will be OK. Hang in there, and keep posting.