I just don't understand...

[seminoles84]

People always tell me, " you'll never forget this one", "this is the purest love you'll ever have", " afterwards it's not the same". You know, crap like that, and it just makes me not look forward to anything.

 

This is complete nonsense and you are hanging around the wrong people.

[totenkopf]

Mate I broke up with my ex girlfriend nearly six months ago and its only recently that I have really come to terms with things. You will recover in your own time. What helped me was when I kept thinking of the good times we had and how close we apparently were was to think that this woman did not care at all. After two months she got with someone else and got engaged to him after 6 weeks and it really made me see her for the cheap tacky skank she really is.

[Jonp219]

This is complete nonsense and you are hanging around the wrong people.

 

These aren't my friends saying this stuff. These are older people I've encountered with this problem. I thought they would know better about this stuff, but apparently not.

 

Interesting how the only time I don't dream about her is when I skip prayer at night...

[Throldur]

These aren't my friends saying this stuff. These are older people I've encountered with this problem. I thought they would know better about this stuff, but apparently not.

 

Interesting how the only time I don't dream about her is when I skip prayer at night...

 

Same thing happens to me.. if I get down and pray/wish to the Universe before bed to show me some signs that this will get better and that I will find my forever girl, whether its my ex learning her lesson and coming back, or someone I haven't met yet.. then I get dreams of her, sometimes vivid, sometimes brief messages..

 

If I just jump into bed and think about it, nothing..

[Jonp219]

Same thing happens to me.. if I get down and pray/wish to the Universe before bed to show me some signs that this will get better and that I will find my forever girl, whether its my ex learning her lesson and coming back, or someone I haven't met yet.. then I get dreams of her, sometimes vivid, sometimes brief messages..

 

If I just jump into bed and think about it, nothing..

 

Interesting. Could that mean that the answers to our prayers are in our dreams?

[Throldur]

Interesting. Could that mean that the answers to our prayers are in our dreams?

 

I don't know.. it's weird due to the timing of it.. I think for the most part dreams are just the synapses of the brain firing off images, feelings that we've been exposed to for the majority of the day.. if I watched triple chopped tuesdays, I'll dream about being on chopped. When bringing in elements of prayer, spirit guides, universe, I'm not sure..

 

I'm a skeptic. Don't really believe a lot of this stuff but I would try anything at all if it mean that my ex and I could reconcile.

 

However, I was firmly in NC with the ex and didn't know what was going on. Went to bed, had a dream where her best friend asked me if I had heard from her, I said no, this guy Ive never seen before says its time for Plan B, and then her best friend starts crying saying she's in trouble. I woke up with a pounding heart.. I get a call the next day that my ex moved to Ontario.. and my dream coencided with her going away dinner with her best friend.. there's no way I could have known about that.. Her friend was also holding a pipe in the dream.. which symbolizes to me that what she's doing is chasing a pipe dream and its not gonna work out.

[SethDamien]

I've already told my mind it's complete over, there's no chance in hell we'll get back together (ever). Yet my heart wants to hold on to hope,

 

Just when everything seems lost, healing is always a corner away.

 

i get your despair. There are days when you fall into one of those late afternoon malaise and think to yourself; "im feeling a bit down guess i'll give her a call... oh wait, i remember we broke up"

 

Everything feels the same but nothing's the same. That's why we unconsciously keep hoping. You'll get used to it.

 

my deepest sympathies for you because what you are saying is an exact reflection of what i've gone through a couple of months ago, and look where i am now.

Find your old self back, I've restored my dreams WITHOUT having a woman in it.

It doesn't mean im gonna stay single my entire life.

A woman may supplement it, but not supersede it and im happy where i am now, and i pray you'll get there soon enough.

[Jonp219]

Just when everything seems lost, healing is always a corner away.

 

i get your despair. There are days when you fall into one of those late afternoon malaise and think to yourself; "im feeling a bit down guess i'll give her a call... oh wait, i remember we broke up"

 

Everything feels the same but nothing's the same. That's why we unconsciously keep hoping. You'll get used to it.

 

my deepest sympathies for you because what you are saying is an exact reflection of what i've gone through a couple of months ago, and look where i am now.

Find your old self back, I've restored my dreams WITHOUT having a woman in it.

It doesn't mean im gonna stay single my entire life.

A woman may supplement it, but not supersede it and im happy where i am now, and i pray you'll get there soon enough.

 

Thank you. Although I feel like ****, i'm starting to understand these feelings a little better now.

 

How long were you with your ex? And how long has it been since the break up? What differences do you see in yourself since then?

[Riptide91]

It's nice to see you're starting to understand your feelings and I hope you keep progressing Jon!

[Jonp219]

It's nice to see you're starting to understand your feelings and I hope you keep progressing Jon!

 

Thank you riptide. I've been trying to channel this anger/sadness/frustration/depression into something productive or an activity that gives me relief.

 

Some of my friends want to go see a movie tonight in theaters so i'm going to go out with them. This will be the first time I go out on a Friday Night since before my break up. I'm feeling a little emotional about it, but I can't stop my life for her. Some how, some way, I have to keep going.

[Riptide91]

Thank you riptide. I've been trying to channel this anger/sadness/frustration/depression into something productive or an activity that gives me relief.

 

Some of my friends want to go see a movie tonight in theaters so i'm going to go out with them. This will be the first time I go out on a Friday Night since before my break up. I'm feeling a little emotional about it, but I can't stop my life for her. Some how, some way, I have to keep going.

 

This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me happy to see. After some of the posts I tried to help with its refreshing to see that no matter how bad we think it is there is always room for growth. I'm definitely not "out of the woods" with my breakup either but I find everyday it gets a little bit easier. I actually like entertaining the idea of meeting a new girl and getting those feelings when you first start to connect with someone.

 

I think you getting out with your friends is definitely a step in the right direction, you may find that being around other people keeps your mind so busy with everything that the feelings of hurt, sadness, despair don't even come up. Keep going, in the end you will realize this is YOUR life! You want to share it with someone who wants to be a part of it, and vice versa.

[Jonp219]

This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me happy to see. After some of the posts I tried to help with its refreshing to see that no matter how bad we think it is there is always room for growth. I'm definitely not "out of the woods" with my breakup either but I find everyday it gets a little bit easier. I actually like entertaining the idea of meeting a new girl and getting those feelings when you first start to connect with someone.

 

I think you getting out with your friends is definitely a step in the right direction, you may find that being around other people keeps your mind so busy with everything that the feelings of hurt, sadness, despair don't even come up. Keep going, in the end you will realize this is YOUR life! You want to share it with someone who wants to be a part of it, and vice versa.

 

You know, I was actually thinking about that feeling earlier today lol. The butterflies I got when I started connecting with the women I've loved in my past. Thinking how its going to be when I get those feelings again for someone new. Its interesting to think about and scary at the very same time.

 

However, I still hope one day me and my ex will come in contact again as new and improved people, ready to give it another go. Although that may be the denial talking, (and it does fade with time) I would still be open to it if the opportunity presents itself.

 

But right now, it's about me.

 

I'll let the universe do its thing.

[SethDamien]

How long were you with your ex? And how long has it been since the break up? What differences do you see in yourself since then?

 

4 years/lived together for 2 years.

 

What differences do I see in myself? a heck of alot!

 

I've learned MORE in a span of months than what others had to learn in a lifetime.

 

4 months ago, i laughed at people telling me to love myself more, work out, travel, etc. its so damn cliche! and i just cannot see how it would help!...

but it's never been truer in my case! lol.

 

been more confident, set my plans straight. Im planning on getting a second bachelor's degree this year.

 

Cant wait to see them college chicks all over again!

[dvx]

I had anger and insecurity issues in my previous relationship. I was overbearing and I kept her from having fun with her co-workers because I was jealous. I'm controlling, I don't love myself, and I put too much pressure on myself. All that so I would avoid a break up in the future, funny how life works lol. I've been seeing a therapist since February, but I've been thinking more of her than actually fixing myself (can't help it).

 

And now that she's gone and hasn't even bothered to look back, I hate myself even more now. I dread the day I see her with another man, just thinking about it makes me feel like i'm not worthy of love whatsoever. I feel like no one is ever going to be able to tolerate me ever again after her. I feel like a terminally ill dog who is just waiting to be put to sleep.

 

The guilt has alot to do with my self pity too. The fact that I was a **** boyfriend when I know I could of been better makes me cringe inside, makes me cringe when I look at myself in the mirror. Although I'm a grown man and I should take responsibility for my own actions, my father use to blame me for everything when I was younger, and he loved my younger brother more than me. Somehow I relate this break up to my relationship with my father. I wasn't worthy of his love, just i'm not worthy of my exes love (I how I feel). A previous intimate relationship followed me into another one.

 

In your case i think you're suffering from the "nice guy syndrome" (read no more mr. nice guy) Now that you mention the father issue.

 

I quote from the book:

Trying To Appear Needless And Wantless Prevents Nice Guys From Getting Their Needs Met

 

For Nice Guys, trying to become needless and wantless was a primary way of trying to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences. Since it was when they had the most needs that they felt the most abandoned, they believed it was their needs that drove people away.

 

These helpless little boys concluded that if they could eliminate or hide all of their needs, then no one would abandon them. They also convinced themselves that if they didn't have needs, it wouldn't hurt so bad when the needs weren't met. Not only did they learn early not to expect to get their needs met, but also that their very survival seemed to depend on appearing not to have needs.

 

This created an unsolvable bind: these helpless little boys could not totally repress their needs and stay alive, and they could not meet their needs on their own. The only logical solution was to try to appear to be needless and wantless while trying to get needs met in indirect and covert ways.

 

As a result of these childhood survival mechanisms, Nice Guys often believe it is a virtue to have few

 

needs or wants. Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.

 

Making It Difficult For Others To Give To Them Prevents Nice Guys From Getting Their Needs Met

 

In order to get their needs met, recovering Nice Guys must do something radically different from what

 

they have done previously. For Nice Guys, putting the self first is not just a suggestion to try on for size. It is essential not only for getting needs met, but also for reclaiming personal power, feeling fully alive, and experiencing love and intimacy.

 

Interestingly enough, when Nice Guys take responsibility for their own needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the covert contracts, the guessing games, the anger outbursts, and passive-aggressive behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the resentment. I learned this lesson first-hand a few years back.

 

For Nice Guys, fear is recorded at the cellular level. It is a memory of every seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of absolute dependency and helplessness. It originated in not having their needs met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism. It was heightened by the reality that life is messy and chaotic and any kind of change promises a journey into the unknown. I call this kind of fear, Memory Fear.

 

Because of the memory fear created in childhood, Nice Guys still approach the world as if it is dangerous and overpowering. To cope with these realities, Nice Guys typically hunker down and play it safe.

 

As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering.

 

Suffering because they avoid new situations.

 

Suffering because they stay with the familiar.

 

Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finish what they start. Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked in the past.

 

Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the uncontrollable.

[Jonp219]

In your case i think you're suffering from the "nice guy syndrome" (read no more mr. nice guy) Now that you mention the father issue.

 

I quote from the book:

 

 

 

 

Whoa ....

 

That is DEFINITELY me without a question. Wow, that's so interesting.

[seminoles84]

Whoa ....

 

That is DEFINITELY me without a question. Wow, that's so interesting.

 

Should read the book. I have and it opened my eyes quite a bit.

[Twigyy]

Whoa ....

 

That is DEFINITELY me without a question. Wow, that's so interesting.

 

It does sound like me trying to make my relationship work too.. Pretty interesting to understand.

[Jonp219]

For Nice Guys' date=' putting the self first is not just a suggestion to try on for size. It is essential not only for getting needs met, but also for reclaiming personal power, feeling fully alive, and experiencing love and intimacy.[/i']

 

Sounds like depriving myself of self love did no justice for me in my relationship. I might have to do that anyway to solve my underlying issues altogether.

 

Does anyone feel sad about discovering information like this? I'm glad I know now, but I just feel like it's too little too late lol

Edited April 4, 2015 by Jonp219

[Jonp219]

To my surprise, I have been feeling better these past few days. Yesterday I decided to get myself out of the apartment and go eat with some of my friends. It was my first Friday night out since before the break up back in the beginning of February. I must say, I enjoyed myself, it was nice to indulge in the company of some of my friends again. During the car ride, there were a lot of songs playing on the radio that reminded me of my ex. However, I didn't experience that heart sinking feeling I use to get back in early March, it was sort of amazing.

 

Going out isn't the only thing I've done these past few days. I've also been learning how to properly channel my anger in various ways. I've noticed certain aspects of myself that I never caught before. I've noticed that if I workout for at least 30 minutes of the day, I feel more relieved to the point that can control my emotions much easier for the remainder of the day. This means that working out is vital for me, therefore, I should do it more frequently to keep myself from going off the wall.

 

Writing has also been therapeutic for me. It's important for me to express myself, and putting it into words is the best way I can do that. I might decide to venture down different avenues when it comes to art, but for now writing will be my main outlet.

As for my status this morning:

I feel...content. I only slept 3 hours, but I feel alright. I feel like I'm at a cross between, "I miss her alot" and, "You're going to be ok, Jonathan". I honestly feel like i'm arriving at that point where I'm starting to realize that this is all for me. Although I'm NOWHERE NEAR the point of indifference, I hope I can someday prove to my ex that I can change. However, I can't prove that to her, to my mom, to my brother or to my friends, UNLESS i can prove it to MYSELF first!

 

I can't promise you all that I'm not going to go crazy from time to time. But, this is where I'm at right now at this moment.

 

To my ex Michelle:

 

I love you. I don't know for how long, but I love you. You never did me wrong and you taught me a valuable lesson. One that I needed to learn on my own. However, I'm going to have to take you down that pedestal sweetie.

 

I'm the captain of this ship now.

[Jonp219]

Should read the book. I have and it opened my eyes quite a bit.

 

Btw what's the name of that book?

[dvx]

Btw what's the name of that book?

 

No more mr. nice guy. I found it online.

 

Damn, reading it made me realize i have issues Man i must solve them and she must come back

[Jonp219]

No more mr. nice guy. I found it online.

 

Damn, reading it made me realize i have issues Man i must solve them and she must come back

 

Atleast you don't have anger issues like me lol

[SethDamien]

I read the first few pages of the book, and the idea of these 'nice guys' sound so demented.

 

They act nice, but secretly get angry if their gestures are not reciprocated?

These guys have ulterior motives if they're not satisfied with being 'nice'. As the book says, they're 'manipulative and dishonest'

 

I think there's a fine line between being a 'nice guy' and being a gentleman, and that is--to not put the other person in a reciprocal frame of mind. Give without expecting to get.

[Jonp219]

I read the first few pages of the book, and the idea of these 'nice guys' sound so demented.

 

They act nice, but secretly get angry if their gestures are not reciprocated?

These guys have ulterior motives if they're not satisfied with being 'nice'. As the book says, they're 'manipulative and dishonest'

 

I think there's a fine line between being a 'nice guy' and being a gentleman, and that is--to not put the other person in a reciprocal frame of mind. Give without expecting to get.

 

It does sound demented, but it's all trigger by the subconscious. That's the messed up part about it. It makes you seem like such an evil dude, but really you're on auto-pilot.

[Toodaloo]

Yeah, like being a single 37 year old. Lol

 

So true!!!