Asid Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 A year ago I met a guy, we started off being good friends and then took it to the next level, amongst our group of friends we were dating in secret, as everyone around us believed we were just friends and we weren’t keen on letting everybody know about us. Till date no one knows we’d been together. We had a very good relationship in the past, he made me very happy and I do hope I made him happy too, we wanted to be married. However lately I started noticing a few changes in his behavior, some aloofness, some out of the routine things, since I am an upfront kind of a person I went out straight and asked him what the issue was he denied at first and then finally after my relentless questioning he accepted that he no longer wants to be with me. The reason being I’m 10 years his senior in age, he prolly discussed with his family about me and someone very close to him said its not possible, since then he turned on his silent mode and started ignoring me. When I finally got him to say that he no longer wants to be with me I spent days and nights crying, like I said I’m an upfront person I prefer to have things said I hate decoding actions. I wanted him to discuss things with me and he didn’t so in retaliation I messaged to him saying he had used me and for him everything was about sex and once he’d got that there was no point in having the relationship going. He was very upset by it and told me I hurt him by saying that since then he’s stopped loving me. It affects me a great deal since I love him still and even though I know we cannot marry but I still wish us to be good friends. I still wish him to love me. What he’s doing right now is being angry at me, or ignoring me. My problem is in a group of friends that kind of behavior is very obvious. What shall I do? The more I try to talk to him the angry he gets and the more he retreats into a shell and starts ignoring me further much. I don’t want to be ignored by him. I may have hurt him by saying a lot of stuff I didn’t mean but what I want him to realize is he did a lot of things that hurt me and all I said was in retaliation. Can anyone help me with this? What do you suggest I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 This ball is no longer in your court. You need to leave him alone. When you cut open your skin, do you continue to keep cutting, poking or hitting the wound? No. You cover it up and let it heal without bothering it. That's what's going on here. When it's more important to retaliate than it is to gracefully accept that things aren't going to work out in the way you wished they would have, then there is a problem you need to be working on inside yourself because this won't be the last time you hear something that you don't want to hear, but want to retain a friendship. You lashed out at him because you couldn't rein in your anger--you need to learn the limits of your "upfront"-ness because what you said was completely unnecessary. You dropped a bomb in his lap and now you want him to just go walk it off so you two can be friends. Friends don't say this kind of stuff to one another. The best advice anyone can give you is to leave him alone right now. When he's gotten over this lashing you gave him, he may come around--or he may not. That will be the consequence of your action. In the meantime, work on your penchant for venting your spleen like that. When "keeping it real goes too far", you're the one who ends up being hurt the most. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 (edited) When the swords come out it doesn't matter who drew their sword first. Claiming that you retaliated is a very weak excuse. You said what you said because you wanted to say it. Edited April 2, 2015 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asid Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Is apologizing going to help? I know what I did was wrong how do I apologize for it? Can I make it any better any easier? Link to post Share on other sites
Twigyy Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Is apologizing going to help? I know what I did was wrong how do I apologize for it? Can I make it any better any easier? Unfortunately, no. I don't think it matters if you apologize or not. What matters now is to learn from your mistakes, and become a better person. Give him the space he wants. Also no, there is no way that you two can be friends, it will only hurt him more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 If it will make you feel better to apologize, then you should. However, I wouldn't count on it changing his feelings towards you or opening up any kind of friendship for you two. You are both hurting right now and honestly as long as one or the other of you is hurt, you're better off keeping your distance, physically and emotionally, until you heal and move on. Being friends, while it may be what you want, isn't in the cards while the pain of this situation is still so fresh. If you want to apologize, go for it, but then back off and let each other be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) Is apologizing going to help? Not for the foreseeable future and not for your ends. I know what I did was wrong how do I apologize for it? You can't. He doesn't want to hear it. He will only retreat and block you out. Your current reason for trying to shove an apology down his throat is so that you can resume a friendship with him--that means that this is selfishness on your part. You are not taking his pain and feelings into consideration at all. This is all about you, not him. Can I make it any better any easier?Yes. Leave him alone. Go work on whatever it is that made you put retaliation as the first thing you go for when you can't have your way. Edited April 3, 2015 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Is apologizing going to help? I know what I did was wrong how do I apologize for it? Can I make it any better any easier? Apologise to yourself and forgive yourself. I'm not judging you, but you should think about why non-violent speech is important. You know yourself that words can wound. Violent speech is just as bad as physical violence, and in some ways worse. Thought, action, feeling, and speech should be in alignment, all saying the same thing. All the best, Satu. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 She was already in a place of great pain, so lashing out is normal reacting like it is normal reaction to but your burnt hand under the water. It's not good, but it is what it is. I lashed out too. While I regretted deeply at the time I was in pain, when I got over it - I knew all I said were true statements but in a rough manner. From all the things, I regret only pestering to be part of someone's life who didn't want me. Don't be that person. Don't contact him. Link to post Share on other sites
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