Regrets and Hope

[PJ]

Hi- I will try to give the "reader's digest" version of my story- but bare with me if it runs a little long.

 

Nine years ago- I was 21- and newly divorced from my first true love. We had a child together- and I thought that my world had ended-I did not want to be without this man that I had committed my life to. He- however- had a different plan in mind- and it did not include me. We were divorced- and I went on trying to pick up the pieces to my life. Several months after we parted- I met a man- (we'll call him JCF)- who was unlike anyone I had ever met before- a respectful gentleman who had ambition and goals- (I could go on and on about how wonderful he was (is) but you get the picture) I was falling madly in love with him- and he felt the same. My ex-husband started playing head games with me- telling me that he loved me and wanted to try and be a family again- which started a struggle in my heart and my head that ultimately destroyed my new relationship- and lead no where with my ex-husband.

 

I have managed to remain friends with JCF- and even back then- we attempted a few times to go out again- but I was so scared that I would hurt him again- that I wouldn't let our relationship go too far.

 

I dated other people- but all the while - I was still in love with him- and we talked all the time.

 

I ended up dating another man- not seriously- at least I never intended to become involved to the point of a full blown relationship- but I became pregnant- and my entire world changed in the blink of an eye.

 

Through all these years (8 years)- I have stayed in touch with JCF- we have followed each others lives- through good and bad- he eventually married-but is now divorced.

 

I am still married to the father of my child- and we have a "comfortable" marriage- but it has never been what I wanted. I married -with the good intention of doing the "right" thing- and I guess that worked out okay for everyone but me.

 

I am still very much in love with JCF- and I am sure that he feels the same about me,although we don't discuss the possibility of trying again- he says that if I am to ever end my marriage- it has to be because it is what "I" want and not because of anything he has said. So we keep each other at arms length.

 

I know that I am always going to love him- so much at times that it brings me to tears. I am so regretful that I let this man slip away.

 

I know that all I have to do is make the move- and I can be with him- but the thought of hurting my husband- is almost too much for me. So- until now- I have just tried to endure the pain of regret- so I don't hurt someone else.

 

My question is-

 

Is doing the right thing for someone else-to avoid causing them much pain- really what I should be doing here? I know what I want- but I just don't want to hurt anyone. Actually- I just don't want to go through life knowing that because of me- someone's heart will be broken- and my son will grow up in a broken home. So I sacrifice my happiness- and try to deal.

 

Any advice would be wonderful- thanks for being patient through this lengthy story.

 

PJ

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Is doing the right thing for someone else-to avoid causing them much pain- really what I should be doing here?"

 

No. But the right thing is releasing somebody you aren't excited about. The right thing is not making another human being live a fraudulent life by being with someone who really wants to be with someone else. The right thing is doing what you must.

 

There are many times when we must do things that will cause people to hurt themselves, since we really don't have that power ourselves. People basically choose to hurt themselves.

 

Your biggest problem here is NOT your husband. Your biggest problem IS JCF. You know what he was like when you were dating him and you know how he's been since, but neither is an indication of what it would be like to be married to him. He may be the biggest bxstard husband you could ever dream of having...or he could be great.

 

In any case, you should get out of a marriage you're not crazy about and do whatever is necessary to ensure you aren't forced into another one of these deals by an unwanted pregnancy.

 

Then you can explore things with JCF. I would advise you to see other people on a dating basis before you get things going again with JCF. You're likely to find someone you like as much or more than him. It really does sound like JCF is a great guy but there are no guarantees. He did get a divorce before and you only have his word as to whose fault that really was.

 

You say you are in a comfortable marriage now. I understand what you mean. You want more passion in it, you want more zest...and that's a perfectly legitimate desire. But let me just tell you...no matter who you marry, you can only DREAM that it will be comfortable in the long run.

[PJ]

Tomy-

 

Thanks for your advice- on my situation.

 

You asked if I only had the word of JCF as to why his marriage ended. Actually I knew (and still know) the woman that he married (although it has been sometime since we talked). She has a condition similar to what we call

 

bi-polar -however her illness is called something else. No one knew about it- she kept it hidden- until she decided to stop taking her medication. She felt that her life was so wonderful -being married to JCF- that she didn't need the meds anymore. Well, we all know how that turns out- if you're sick-you're sick. By the time she finally told him what was going on- and why she had such a drastic personality change- they were already in the middle of their divorce. I have been given this story from people the we know as friends (in common) and from JCF. She now wants to try again with him-but he doesn't want to go back into such a shaky relationship- when it all could happen again if she decided to stop taking her medication. It really is a sad situation- because he really loved her.

 

We were sort of in the same group of friends- and they began dating after I married the father of my child. They had my blessing-because I knew at the time that they really made each other happy- and that is what I wanted for everyone- just to be happy.

 

Again- thanks for your words of advice- hopefull I will be able to find the strength to put them to use.

 

PJ

YOU ASK: "Is doing the right thing for someone else-to avoid causing them much pain- really what I should be doing here?" No. But the right thing is releasing somebody you aren't excited about. The right thing is not making another human being live a fraudulent life by being with someone who really wants to be with someone else. The right thing is doing what you must. There are many times when we must do things that will cause people to hurt themselves, since we really don't have that power ourselves. People basically choose to hurt themselves. Your biggest problem here is NOT your husband. Your biggest problem IS JCF. You know what he was like when you were dating him and you know how he's been since, but neither is an indication of what it would be like to be married to him. He may be the biggest bxstard husband you could ever dream of having...or he could be great. In any case, you should get out of a marriage you're not crazy about and do whatever is necessary to ensure you aren't forced into another one of these deals by an unwanted pregnancy. Then you can explore things with JCF. I would advise you to see other people on a dating basis before you get things going again with JCF. You're likely to find someone you like as much or more than him. It really does sound like JCF is a great guy but there are no guarantees. He did get a divorce before and you only have his word as to whose fault that really was. You say you are in a comfortable marriage now. I understand what you mean. You want more passion in it, you want more zest...and that's a perfectly legitimate desire. But let me just tell you...no matter who you marry, you can only DREAM that it will be comfortable in the long run.

[Tony T]

Would only that marriages could heal if one spouse got back on his or her medication!!!