How to move on after my fiancée kissed her coworker?

[tortoise25]

[sorry for the double post, I realized this is the more appropriate forum but don't know how to move my first one]

 

 

I must begin by apologizing in advance for the length, but I currently have no idea what to do, where to begin, or what details to take into consideration as I make my decisions about how to move forward, so I have included them all in hopes that somebody with more wisdom than me can help me out.

 

My fiancée and I have been officially together 2 years now. We met at work, so our actual relationship extends roughly another year that we were together unofficially. We have known each other for a total of almost 4 years now. We have essentially lived together the full two years that we have been together, although from a technical standpoint we have only officially lived together about a year and a half. We got engaged a month ago. We have both moved into new jobs since we began dating, but about 4 months ago she returned to the original workplace where we met. She works days, I work nights, during the week there are typically only a couple of hours that our time at home overlaps but we get to be together as usual on weekends. Everything had been absolutely perfect since our engagement. It seemed too perfect, and I began to get an ominous sense that something was going to come up to break the calm. I even began to feel some worry about what she was doing when I wasn't around, but wrote it off as paranoia since I had never been given even the slightest reason to think such things.

 

The night that this happened, we had a fight regarding drinking. My fiancée was concerned that I was drinking too closely to falling asleep, as she had heard of issues where people became dependant on alcohol as a sleep aid. On a normal day I would have simply talked to her about it. Although I drink more often than she does, I do not do so as a form of a sleep aid (or, for that matter, regularly enough for such issues to arise), nor do I experience sleep issues. Since it is very rare that she drinks, I can understand why it would worry her and why she wouldn't know that it wasn't an issue. It was a simple matter of reviewing her concerns and settling them in a civil manner. Unfortunately I did not do that. I was tired, grumpy and only half-awake (she had woken me up, it was around 5 in the afternoon so I had only been asleep for maybe 3 hours. This was on top of a week where schoolwork had been limiting my sleep to between 2 and 5 hours the three nights prior) so I snapped at her "Don't you have somewhere you can be?" She replied that she did not, but followed up with a malicious "You know what, I do actually." I should have seen it for the red flag that it was, but figured she was just going to go to her sister's house and her tone was due to the argument. I was so tired I fell asleep immediately.

 

I woke up at 10 for work and she was not home yet. I tried calling her a couple of times and she did not answer, so I got in the shower. When I came out I heard sobs in the kitchen, where I found her taking shots of whiskey and crying uncontrollably. I tried to find out what was wrong but all I got was severely intoxicated rambling about how we needed to talk, but not right now, because she was drunk and didn't want to say what she needed to say wrong, which then launched into more uncontrollable crying mixed with statements about how I was everything to her, how she absolutely needs our life together, how beautiful her ring is and how she never wants to have to give it back, and how much she loves my kiss. At this point I was alarmed but my employer has a very strict attendance policy so I had to go. She also said that she had been drinking Jaeger but it was only a couple of sips. This was particularly concerning to me because she almost never drinks, and she absolutely never drinks outside of the house without me around. On my way out I gave her my usual goodbye kiss and she pulled me back in and told me that she "needs to feel it" before kissing me quite aggressively. She was still crying as I left so I tried to call her on my way to work but she did not answer.

 

The next morning when I got home she told me we still needed to talk. I had been bracing for impact all night at work, but had forgotten to come up with a response plan. She explained that the night before she had gone to somebody's house and they had kissed. Her uncontrollable crying kicked in again while she told me she would do anything, anything to keep me. She reiterated that she needs our life together and she wished she had never done it. She stated that she regretted it immediately. I asked her if anything else had happened, to which she said "We didn't have sex, if that's what you're asking." I asked her to take me through the night so that I could understand, and her answers were very vague, which I think is contributing to my difficulty in moving forward. The guy was a coworker from another department. She went to his house, they watched Dexter, he put his arm around her and she let him, they held hands and then they kissed. She said she left immediately after and came home, which is where the last paragraph begins. She doesn't know why she did it, but we eventually reached the conclusion that she did it to get back at me for the argument the night before. She categorically denied having any physical or emotional attraction to him and says she didn't feel anything at all. Although I felt that I wanted to know much more, I was hesitant to push for more details. I feared that if I overreacted and something of a similar nature were to happen again that it might push her to hide it, which I definitely did not want. I also wanted the responses to be hers and did not want to risk putting words in her mouth as I did when trying to establish a reason for her actions. Additionally, I didn't feel justified in pushing for more information when I had absolutely no clue what I was going to do with it anyway. As a consequence of my efforts not to overreact I feel that I may have downplayed the situation too much.

 

I don't know whether I should take this into account, but there was a time a couple of months ago that she was extremely late getting home from work. I tried calling her several times but never got an answer. I was panicking that something had happened to her when, somewhere between 1 and 2 in the morning she came home. I could tell she had been crying. She said she had been in the parking lot at work having a mental breakdown, that she feared that I was too good for her. She thanked me for letting her have the time to herself so that she could get her mind straight. I don't know if I should read into this or not, but at the moment I'm involuntarily calling virtually everything that has happened in my recent life into question.

 

Although I felt unsettled, I proceeded to forgive her. With the circumstances I thought it was something I could get past. We are both young (23 and 20). As such, it is the first time either of us has been in a relationship of such a serious nature and we progressed very quickly, as can probably be seen by how we were almost immediately living together once we made our relationship official. The fact that this environment could lead to a higher likelihood of some straying crossed my mind more than once, but like I mentioned before I had never once been given a reason to believe it would actually happen and reasoned that it was just unfounded insecurity each time it crossed my mind. She has always maintained a very, very aggressive policy against cheating because her dad cheated on her mom, which led to their divorce. Our relationship almost ended after only a couple of months because she found porn in my dropbox, which sent her into hysterics. I'm fairly certain the only reason we made it past that was my refusal to let her leave until she calmed down and we talked about it. Anyway, the point here is that her strong opinions against cheating in any form combined with the strength of our relationship left me confident my worries were just that, and so I never entertained them for long. Her regret seemed genuine and I felt comfortable that it was a one time thing.

 

It has now been over a week and I feel that not only have I not been able to move forward but that I've regressed in that time period. School and work have kept me busy, so my chances to try to process what happened have been few. When I do try to think about it and figure out how to move forward, my anxiety shoots through the roof. I start shaking and get so dizzy and naseous that I feel like I'm on the brink of passing out. I have never experienced anything but the most mild effects of anxiety in the past. Writing this out has been the first time I've been able to actually review everything from beginning to end since it happened, and even now I'm shaking so badly it's making it difficult to type. I can't settle down enough to sleep. When I do sleep, it's cut short when I'm jarred awake by the same thoughts and sensations that made it impossible to sleep in the first place. I find my mistrust taking over my mind like a runaway freight train whenever she goes anywhere. I picture her at work flirting with the guys and engaging in various covert affairs. She has been coming home later than scheduled, which isn't unusual at all and never has been with that employer, but now when it happens my anxiety amplifies even more and my thoughts wander further and further each time. I can't focus at work or at school because I'm thinking about what she might be doing at home while I'm gone.

 

It's tearing me apart inside. From, quite literally, the moment that I forgave her she has behaved as if everything is back to normal. Her previously uncontrollable emotions were immediately replaced with our typical playful banner. I feel like her casual continuance of life in the face of my implosion is only making it worse. Just for the record, I do not blame her for her demeanor as I have not communicated just how much of a toll it has been taking and I have always been talented in masking my emotions, however I am finding myself feeling distant and detached when I am with her. I just can't win.

 

This past week has left me feeling like I mentally boxed Mike Tyson. I find myself wondering how just a kiss could cause such a ridiculous reaction on my part, and I still don't know the answer but the fact is that it is and I need to find a solution. I wonder if it really was just a kiss or if I'm only getting a portion of the truth, which then leads me to wonder how I can know for sure that her story is true. I am left unsure how I can rebuild my trust in her. I wonder if this is the only time it has happened, and then I wonder if she has felt enticed to do something like it at any other point, and then I wonder if those details even matter. I wonder, even if it was just a kiss, whether she had intentions of doing more that were interrupted by her guilt, if she might have done more had she gotten more than a couple of sips of alcohol in her, if next time she will not stop at just a kiss, if there will even be a next time, if next time she will tell me or try to cover it up, if my failure to respond effectively is enabling her, if her casual response is a sign of relief that her mistakes didn't cost her dearly or a sign that her regret was not as sincere as it seemed. These are just a few of the many, many questions that have gone through my head recently.

 

I know that I can't keep all of these things internalized, but I also don't know how to talk to her without overwhelming both her and myself. I need help figuring out where to start. Quite frankly, I don't know what is and isn't important in this whole picture. I believe that my inability to sort things out in my own head has turned a bump in the road into a mountain, but I still think I can get past it. I just need some input from somebody who can think more clearly than I can right now. Any ideas?

[smackie9]

You need to quit drinking or this will never work.

[I_Give_Up67]

Originally posted to your other thread

 

 

tortoise- Sorry to have to tell you this, but not only did she do more than kiss other guy that night, it was not the first time either. Your own words is enough proof for me that she has been cheating.

 

 

Further proof is her attempt to Gaslight or blame you for her actions because of your spat. If she is so immature as to run off and have sex with another guy because of a simple argument like the one you described, then she will always pick fights with you so she can go have sex with other guys after you are married. Do you really want to marry a cheater right out of the gate? Make no mistake, she is lying about not having sex with the other guy.

 

 

You need to go get tested for STDs' and as painful as it will be for you, get as far away from this woman as you can.

[drifter777]

Where to start?

 

First, stop referring to "forgiving" her. You just mouthed words to that effect as an attempt to smooth everything over and get back to "normal". As you found out - it doesn't work.

 

Second, you can try to get the truth out of her but I doubt she will ever tell you any more than she has to. There are things you can do to maybe get more out of her like talk to the guy she was with and tell him to man-up and give you the truth. Or you can tell her you talked with him and that now she better come clean or else it's over. In the end, it shouldn't matter because you aren't married yet; you are engaged. You are in the trial period where you test-drive your relationship and decide whether to buy it or not. Clearly, with the way you feel right now you don't want to buy.

 

Look, maybe she's a born cheater or her dad's cheating bent her in that direction. Her overreaction to the porn thing is a huge red flag as it reflects her insecurity about her own ability to attract and keep a man. I mean, being jealous of a woman in a movie or a picture is really sad.

 

All women crave to be desired by men, but when they are insecure they will happily trade sex to keep the compliments and attention coming. And it could just be that she is young and is struggling with what she has missed by being with you all this time instead of living the single life. Really, that's a fair concern for her to have.

 

You might want to try couples counseling so you can confront her about her behavior and the whole need to be desired by other men. The thing is, why put yourself through all this suffering and drama for this relationship? You don't have kids and the engagement thing seems to have failed. Now you break up and go your separate ways. This is driving you crazy now and that's not going to change any time soon. What happens if you find out that she "just" did oral or touchy-feely stuff? Are you going to believe she stopped there? Save yourself from this relationship and go out and enjoy being single.

[d0nnivain]

Just end it. If one of you is 20 now, that person was 16 when you met 4 years ago & 18 when you moved in together. Waaaaayyyyy tooo young to be living together, this deeply committed or getting married. You both have a lot of growing up to do. That's not a crack, just a fact. Sadly, the immaturity is manifesting itself in poor decision making (the drinking, the kissing) and the inability to communicate effectively. I'm not ready to say she's gaslighting you but trickle truth is part of the inability to express yourself unless it's done to hide the truth (see any politician try to wriggle out of any accusation)

 

 

One kiss (if that is truly all there was) is a reason to slow down, put off the wedding & learn to talk in most instances. Here I think it's just the 1st crack on an otherwise unstable foundation.

[Space Ritual]

[sorry for the double post, I realized this is the more appropriate forum but don't know how to move my first one]

 

 

I must begin by apologizing in advance for the length, but I currently have no idea what to do, where to begin, or what details to take into consideration as I make my decisions about how to move forward, so I have included them all in hopes that somebody with more wisdom than me can help me out.

 

My fiancée and I have been officially together 2 years now. We met at work, so our actual relationship extends roughly another year that we were together unofficially. We have known each other for a total of almost 4 years now. We have essentially lived together the full two years that we have been together, although from a technical standpoint we have only officially lived together about a year and a half. We got engaged a month ago. We have both moved into new jobs since we began dating, but about 4 months ago she returned to the original workplace where we met. She works days, I work nights, during the week there are typically only a couple of hours that our time at home overlaps but we get to be together as usual on weekends. Everything had been absolutely perfect since our engagement. It seemed too perfect, and I began to get an ominous sense that something was going to come up to break the calm. I even began to feel some worry about what she was doing when I wasn't around, but wrote it off as paranoia since I had never been given even the slightest reason to think such things.

 

The night that this happened, we had a fight regarding drinking. My fiancée was concerned that I was drinking too closely to falling asleep, as she had heard of issues where people became dependant on alcohol as a sleep aid. On a normal day I would have simply talked to her about it. Although I drink more often than she does, I do not do so as a form of a sleep aid (or, for that matter, regularly enough for such issues to arise), nor do I experience sleep issues. Since it is very rare that she drinks, I can understand why it would worry her and why she wouldn't know that it wasn't an issue. It was a simple matter of reviewing her concerns and settling them in a civil manner. Unfortunately I did not do that. I was tired, grumpy and only half-awake (she had woken me up, it was around 5 in the afternoon so I had only been asleep for maybe 3 hours. This was on top of a week where schoolwork had been limiting my sleep to between 2 and 5 hours the three nights prior) so I snapped at her "Don't you have somewhere you can be?" She replied that she did not, but followed up with a malicious "You know what, I do actually." I should have seen it for the red flag that it was, but figured she was just going to go to her sister's house and her tone was due to the argument. I was so tired I fell asleep immediately.

 

I woke up at 10 for work and she was not home yet. I tried calling her a couple of times and she did not answer, so I got in the shower. When I came out I heard sobs in the kitchen, where I found her taking shots of whiskey and crying uncontrollably. I tried to find out what was wrong but all I got was severely intoxicated rambling about how we needed to talk, but not right now, because she was drunk and didn't want to say what she needed to say wrong, which then launched into more uncontrollable crying mixed with statements about how I was everything to her, how she absolutely needs our life together, how beautiful her ring is and how she never wants to have to give it back, and how much she loves my kiss. At this point I was alarmed but my employer has a very strict attendance policy so I had to go. She also said that she had been drinking Jaeger but it was only a couple of sips. This was particularly concerning to me because she almost never drinks, and she absolutely never drinks outside of the house without me around. On my way out I gave her my usual goodbye kiss and she pulled me back in and told me that she "needs to feel it" before kissing me quite aggressively. She was still crying as I left so I tried to call her on my way to work but she did not answer.

 

The next morning when I got home she told me we still needed to talk. I had been bracing for impact all night at work, but had forgotten to come up with a response plan. She explained that the night before she had gone to somebody's house and they had kissed. Her uncontrollable crying kicked in again while she told me she would do anything, anything to keep me. She reiterated that she needs our life together and she wished she had never done it. She stated that she regretted it immediately. I asked her if anything else had happened, to which she said "We didn't have sex, if that's what you're asking." I asked her to take me through the night so that I could understand, and her answers were very vague, which I think is contributing to my difficulty in moving forward. The guy was a coworker from another department. She went to his house, they watched Dexter, he put his arm around her and she let him, they held hands and then they kissed. She said she left immediately after and came home, which is where the last paragraph begins. She doesn't know why she did it, but we eventually reached the conclusion that she did it to get back at me for the argument the night before. She categorically denied having any physical or emotional attraction to him and says she didn't feel anything at all. Although I felt that I wanted to know much more, I was hesitant to push for more details. I feared that if I overreacted and something of a similar nature were to happen again that it might push her to hide it, which I definitely did not want. I also wanted the responses to be hers and did not want to risk putting words in her mouth as I did when trying to establish a reason for her actions. Additionally, I didn't feel justified in pushing for more information when I had absolutely no clue what I was going to do with it anyway. As a consequence of my efforts not to overreact I feel that I may have downplayed the situation too much.

 

I don't know whether I should take this into account, but there was a time a couple of months ago that she was extremely late getting home from work. I tried calling her several times but never got an answer. I was panicking that something had happened to her when, somewhere between 1 and 2 in the morning she came home. I could tell she had been crying. She said she had been in the parking lot at work having a mental breakdown, that she feared that I was too good for her. She thanked me for letting her have the time to herself so that she could get her mind straight. I don't know if I should read into this or not, but at the moment I'm involuntarily calling virtually everything that has happened in my recent life into question.

 

Although I felt unsettled, I proceeded to forgive her. With the circumstances I thought it was something I could get past. We are both young (23 and 20). As such, it is the first time either of us has been in a relationship of such a serious nature and we progressed very quickly, as can probably be seen by how we were almost immediately living together once we made our relationship official. The fact that this environment could lead to a higher likelihood of some straying crossed my mind more than once, but like I mentioned before I had never once been given a reason to believe it would actually happen and reasoned that it was just unfounded insecurity each time it crossed my mind. She has always maintained a very, very aggressive policy against cheating because her dad cheated on her mom, which led to their divorce. Our relationship almost ended after only a couple of months because she found porn in my dropbox, which sent her into hysterics. I'm fairly certain the only reason we made it past that was my refusal to let her leave until she calmed down and we talked about it. Anyway, the point here is that her strong opinions against cheating in any form combined with the strength of our relationship left me confident my worries were just that, and so I never entertained them for long. Her regret seemed genuine and I felt comfortable that it was a one time thing.

 

It has now been over a week and I feel that not only have I not been able to move forward but that I've regressed in that time period. School and work have kept me busy, so my chances to try to process what happened have been few. When I do try to think about it and figure out how to move forward, my anxiety shoots through the roof. I start shaking and get so dizzy and naseous that I feel like I'm on the brink of passing out. I have never experienced anything but the most mild effects of anxiety in the past. Writing this out has been the first time I've been able to actually review everything from beginning to end since it happened, and even now I'm shaking so badly it's making it difficult to type. I can't settle down enough to sleep. When I do sleep, it's cut short when I'm jarred awake by the same thoughts and sensations that made it impossible to sleep in the first place. I find my mistrust taking over my mind like a runaway freight train whenever she goes anywhere. I picture her at work flirting with the guys and engaging in various covert affairs. She has been coming home later than scheduled, which isn't unusual at all and never has been with that employer, but now when it happens my anxiety amplifies even more and my thoughts wander further and further each time. I can't focus at work or at school because I'm thinking about what she might be doing at home while I'm gone.

 

It's tearing me apart inside. From, quite literally, the moment that I forgave her she has behaved as if everything is back to normal. Her previously uncontrollable emotions were immediately replaced with our typical playful banner. I feel like her casual continuance of life in the face of my implosion is only making it worse. Just for the record, I do not blame her for her demeanor as I have not communicated just how much of a toll it has been taking and I have always been talented in masking my emotions, however I am finding myself feeling distant and detached when I am with her. I just can't win.

 

This past week has left me feeling like I mentally boxed Mike Tyson. I find myself wondering how just a kiss could cause such a ridiculous reaction on my part, and I still don't know the answer but the fact is that it is and I need to find a solution. I wonder if it really was just a kiss or if I'm only getting a portion of the truth, which then leads me to wonder how I can know for sure that her story is true. I am left unsure how I can rebuild my trust in her. I wonder if this is the only time it has happened, and then I wonder if she has felt enticed to do something like it at any other point, and then I wonder if those details even matter. I wonder, even if it was just a kiss, whether she had intentions of doing more that were interrupted by her guilt, if she might have done more had she gotten more than a couple of sips of alcohol in her, if next time she will not stop at just a kiss, if there will even be a next time, if next time she will tell me or try to cover it up, if my failure to respond effectively is enabling her, if her casual response is a sign of relief that her mistakes didn't cost her dearly or a sign that her regret was not as sincere as it seemed. These are just a few of the many, many questions that have gone through my head recently.

 

I know that I can't keep all of these things internalized, but I also don't know how to talk to her without overwhelming both her and myself. I need help figuring out where to start. Quite frankly, I don't know what is and isn't important in this whole picture. I believe that my inability to sort things out in my own head has turned a bump in the road into a mountain, but I still think I can get past it. I just need some input from somebody who can think more clearly than I can right now. Any ideas?

 

 

Very Gently, well not really because I don't do anything gently in this forum...so please forgive me for my bluntness...

 

You've had it. People don't get rip roaring drunk and go home with a coworker and hold hands and kiss during Dexter and return the Blubbering mess you said she was...she did more than kiss him and held more than his hand in her hand. Come on man...denial is powerful but are you really gonna buy that crap?

 

See, when she went through the whole song and dance of "I felt Nothing" or I wasn't even attracted to him". Are justifications for whatever she did. And you can rest assured a chick full of Jaeger and Resentment who "does not know" why she did it knows exactly why she did it. "Couple of Sips" my ass! lol.

 

She is literally quoting The Cheater's Handbook" Chapter and verse.

 

You are young, so is she. Just chalk it up to experience with someone who wanted to get back to you by messing around on you and probably put on the song and dance to throw you off in case any more comes out about what happened. Remember this is a coworker. I'm sure he was less than confidential. He certainly is not going to keep his trap shut about it. He can have a good laugh with his work buddies at your expense.

 

I cannot stress enough that life is far too short to suffer fools like the fool you are suffering now.

 

Call off the engagement, kick her to the curb. Be glad she showed you who she was now as opposed to after a couple of kids and mortgage.

 

Iron Maiden lyrics apply here...."Run to the Hills...Run for your Life".

[LifeWasted]

She had sex with him. Sorry, but you two need to split up.

 

For her to start cheating this early in her life is a bad omen. Dump her and find someone stable. And get yourself into AA.

[No Limit]

How to proceed? Easy, you don't proceed with her. Never marry a cheater, it's only going to end badly.

[Darren Steez]

Google AskMen: She Cheated.

 

Read the answer. Then go ahead and dump your GF

[road]

How to move on?

 

 

You move on without her. She knew what she was going to do before she left you that day.

 

 

She did it because she wanted you to get mad and dump her.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Many a GF/WW does this stuff so their BF/BH will dump them because they then can blame the BF/BH for the relationship ending. Thus they avoid being the one to blame in their own eyes. After all they were being big enough to let you forgive them.

[Satu]

*I need help figuring out where to start. Quite frankly, I don't know what is and isn't important in this whole picture. **I believe that my inability to sort things out in my own head has turned a bump in the road into a mountain, but I still think I can get past it. I just need some input from somebody who can think more clearly than I can right now. Any ideas?

 

*You should start by admitting to yourself that you have a drink problem.

 

**You can't get past it and you know it.