My own approach to reconciliation...

[kacper]

So I'm just about 5 months out of serious relationship that I wanted to rekindle. I didn't buy into the strict NC thing, because being too silent when we fought was one of my biggest problems. Complete NC would have only confirmed I couldn't communicate properly.

 

I gave her a month of space. Then I came around and pledged that I was working on myself and I wanted to work things out. She was really patient and understanding with me, but said that the kind of changes that needed to happen (I was a workaholic, and also never processed a bad breakup in my past) take time to correct. She knew, because she had to deal with almost the exact same issues 2 years prior.

 

So I went quiet for another two months, and intensified the work on myself. Then I reached out again, but this time as a friend. I had started to realize that I might be looking back on the relationship with misguided fondness. Seeing her a few times did, in fact, take a lot of the "glow" off of her. There was a week or two where things were going unusually well, and there was just the slightest hint that maybe things were going to grow again between us.

 

But then two things happened that turned the tide. The first was that she actually met a pretty great guy and they jumped right into a relationship. Like, immediately. This dude was pretty much her kryptonite. -Exactly what she had been looking for. Jealousy kicked in. The second was that we had two long talks that confirmed for both of us that we still had a strong connection. She said she couldn't see me just as a "friend". Who I was to her was still confusing. It was getting confusing for me too.

 

So I played a final few cards to tug at her heartstrings in a subtle way, and have now backed out to complete NC. I'm actually really happy with the way things went in the last two months. There was very little chance of us getting back together so soon, but I can sleep soundly knowing I tested out the waters. Also, and this is key, we not only cleared the air between us, but we actually deepened our connection. There were things I realized about her during our time apart that she was really touched to hear me speak about. There were also things she told me that made me beat myself up a lot less.

 

I don't really know what happens from here. I'd love to get back with her, but now the ball is in her court. I put myself in the best possible light during the last two months, removing the very bad impressions she had of me during the breakup. If her new relationship works out, I wish her happiness. If it doesn't, I'm pretty sure I'll be one of the first to get a phone call. In the meantime, I'll keep on the road of self-improvement.

Edited April 2, 2015 by kacper

[BlackbirdSong]

so you're gladly placing yourself on the backburner as the second choice guy? More power to you.

[kacper]

Yep. I'm on the back burner for sure. No doubt about it. But if I gave her the "it's him or me" speech, I would come off sounding pretty childish and I'd definitely lose that match. Frankly I'm cool with her trying to date more guys. She's only going to see just how many douche bags there are out there which ultimately makes me look better. If she happens to find a truly awesome dude, I wish her all the best.

 

I should mention that I started dating someone a month ago too, so she is on the back burner for me as well. The only point I was trying to make was that breaking NC was good for me. We got to get together and look at the relationship in a mature light. -Sort out the good from the bad. -What worked and what didn't. It helped me get over that old relationship way faster, and gives me some guidance about what to work on in future relationships.

[Ruby65]

I don't really know what happens from here. I'd love to get back with her, but now the ball is in her court. I put myself in the best possible light during the last two months, removing the very bad impressions she had of me during the breakup. If her new relationship works out, I wish her happiness. If it doesn't, I'm pretty sure I'll be one of the first to get a phone call. In the meantime, I'll keep on the road of self-improvement.

 

 

What does the girl you're currently dating think about your unique reconciliation approach?

[kacper]

We both agreed that we aren't looking for anything super serious. It's mostly just sex, to be honest.

[Ruby65]

Lots of people say that.... and then end up using someone as a rebound. Does she know you want to get back with your ex? How long have you been dating?

 

When you say you're dating someone..... that doesn't really mean the same as FWB.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yep. I'm on the back burner for sure. No doubt about it. But if I gave her the "it's him or me" speech, I would come off sounding pretty childish and I'd definitely lose that match. Frankly I'm cool with her trying to date more guys. She's only going to see just how many douche bags there are out there which ultimately makes me look better. If she happens to find a truly awesome dude, I wish her all the best.

 

I should mention that I started dating someone a month ago too, so she is on the back burner for me as well. The only point I was trying to make was that breaking NC was good for me. We got to get together and look at the relationship in a mature light. -Sort out the good from the bad. -What worked and what didn't. It helped me get over that old relationship way faster, and gives me some guidance about what to work on in future relationships.

 

You lost the match when she broke up with you. And I agree with Ruby, you shouldn't be "dating" (your words) someone when you are clearly hung up on someone else. If your ex came back you'd dump this new girl in a second, and that's not cool.

 

I mean, I don't think your lack of No Contact before did anything but put you in the friendzone, but it's okay I guess as long as you don't continue to orbit around. You do you, your ex does her and leave it at that unless your ex goes above and beyond the call of duty to ask for you back.

[erklat]

Your unique reconciliation approach is just another

'how to get your ex back' bull with a twist. We all been there and

done that.

 

Guess what? it doesn't work. The only thing that works

is you doing changes for you to be the best person you can be.

 

And don't be deluded. Your actions in the last two months put you in the worst possible position you can be regarding what you're trying to achieve. walking away silently when she duped you would've put you where you want to be.

Edited April 6, 2015 by erklat

[kacper]

Well, all I know is that by breaking NC my mood is way better these days, my therapy is way more focused, I'm finally putting weight back on, and I'm getting my creative energy back. Prior to getting back in touch with her, I was wasting away, super anxious, confused and emotionally paralyzed. I never got closure. Getting back in touch with the genuine aim of being friends opened the lines of communication and got me closure. I was able to keep it on the friend vibe for a while by just focusing on all the stuff that really bugged me about the relationship. Seeing her from time to time merely confirmed that she was one pretty girl in a city full of millions. A cute girl, but with plenty of her own issues.

 

But then there was a time or two that we went beyond small talk and that's when I remembered why I was so into her in the first place. We connect very easily. It was as soon as I felt like I wanted more than friendship that I withdrew.

 

Dating someone new, for me, is important because it shows that connecting with another person can happen in a lot of ways. Some of them much richer than what I had with my ex. In the past I usually reach a point where my current dating has overshadowed the past relationship, and I am cool with being friends with the ex.

 

When I say I would love to get back with my ex, I do so with the assumption that quite a bit of time has passed, she has made some changes on her end, and that my current dating is not going where I feel it should be. Why wouldn't I entertain the notion of getting back together? Some of the strongest relationships I know of were ones that were rekindled. Nothing makes a person value something more than losing it.

 

The two best marriages I know of were rekindled after a break up of nearly a year. They said that in their cases, the mutual friendship circle allowed for their ex's to stay in the peripheral of their lives. They kept a light and civil communication. When the stars realigned and they were both single again, they were able to spot it, and went in for the reconciliation. Between the two, they have nearly 30 years of happy marriage under their belts now.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, all I know is that by breaking NC my mood is way better these days, my therapy is way more focused, I'm finally putting weight back on, and I'm getting my creative energy back. Prior to getting back in touch with her, I was wasting away, super anxious, confused and emotionally paralyzed. I never got closure. Getting back in touch with the genuine aim of being friends opened the lines of communication and got me closure. I was able to keep it on the friend vibe for a while by just focusing on all the stuff that really bugged me about the relationship. Seeing her from time to time merely confirmed that she was one pretty girl in a city full of millions. A cute girl, but with plenty of her own issues.

 

But then there was a time or two that we went beyond small talk and that's when I remembered why I was so into her in the first place. We connect very easily. It was as soon as I felt like I wanted more than friendship that I withdrew.

 

Dating someone new, for me, is important because it shows that connecting with another person can happen in a lot of ways. Some of them much richer than what I had with my ex. In the past I usually reach a point where my current dating has overshadowed the past relationship, and I am cool with being friends with the ex.

 

When I say I would love to get back with my ex, I do so with the assumption that quite a bit of time has passed, she has made some changes on her end, and that my current dating is not going where I feel it should be. Why wouldn't I entertain the notion of getting back together? Some of the strongest relationships I know of were ones that were rekindled. Nothing makes a person value something more than losing it.

 

The two best marriages I know of were rekindled after a break up of nearly a year. They said that in their cases, the mutual friendship circle allowed for their ex's to stay in the peripheral of their lives. They kept a light and civil communication. When the stars realigned and they were both single again, they were able to spot it, and went in for the reconciliation. Between the two, they have nearly 30 years of happy marriage under their belts now.

 

I also know of several reconciliations (more than two) that went the distance to marriage, and there certainly wasn't contact kept. They went true No Contact, truly went off on their own without checking in on each other for a considerable amount of time, then rekindled when the dumper went after the dumpee and let them know they wanted a second chance. I think you are putting way too much stock into those two reconciliations which are the exception rather than the rule.

 

Plus, I would almost certainly guess that even those reconciliations came from each party truly letting go. You aren't letting go, you're keeping the possibility of reconciliation in your mind even as you try to date others. That dog don't hunt.

[kacper]

I will agree with you there. Genuinely moving on seems to be key. Both parties had no intention of getting back together. In fact one was engaged and moving to a different country. I withdrew from her because I do want to move on.

 

But it's hard to cast off the concept of hope completely because I think it's just part of human nature to always think "what if?". If that "what if?" remains in the forefront of our minds, then a person will never move on. But I think millions of people are in successful partnerships and still harbour a "what if?" somewhere in their psyche. Every single reconciliation must have had some flicker of "what if?" or else the dumpee would never pick up the phone when that dumper finally calls them.

 

Every person's situation is different. In my case there was a lot I left unsaid, because I tend to stonewall in a relationship. It was important for me to prove to my ex that I had a much deeper understanding of her and our relationship than she thought. The talks we had about what went wrong (and what went right) cast the relationship for both of us in a much more positive light. It's at the point now that we both agree that despite its failure, it is one of the healthiest relationships we have ever had. We were just two people at different stages in our lives.

 

In the past, when I was the dumper, I would never reach out to the dumpee if I was left with nothing but negative thoughts about the relationship. But on the other hand, I have reached out (in 2 cases), when we had a sort of "post mortem" of the relationship and I realized that much of the negativity was a product of crossed wires and misunderstandings and not cruelty or malice.

 

I opted to break NC to scrub some of that negativity off of the relationship. She left me thinking I was a cold and unfeeling. That not only slams the door on any future reconciliation, but it also means that even a friendship is unlikely. I know that now a friendship is certain, and the possibility of a reconciliation is not out the the question, as it had been before.

[Simon Phoenix]

I will agree with you there. Genuinely moving on seems to be key. Both parties had no intention of getting back together. In fact one was engaged and moving to a different country. I withdrew from her because I do want to move on.

 

But it's hard to cast off the concept of hope completely because I think it's just part of human nature to always think "what if?". If that "what if?" remains in the forefront of our minds, then a person will never move on. But I think millions of people are in successful partnerships and still harbour a "what if?" somewhere in their psyche. Every single reconciliation must have had some flicker of "what if?" or else the dumpee would never pick up the phone when that dumper finally calls them.

 

Every person's situation is different. In my case there was a lot I left unsaid, because I tend to stonewall in a relationship. It was important for me to prove to my ex that I had a much deeper understanding of her and our relationship than she thought. The talks we had about what went wrong (and what went right) cast the relationship for both of us in a much more positive light. It's at the point now that we both agree that despite its failure, it is one of the healthiest relationships we have ever had. We were just two people at different stages in our lives.

 

In the past, when I was the dumper, I would never reach out to the dumpee if I was left with nothing but negative thoughts about the relationship. But on the other hand, I have reached out (in 2 cases), when we had a sort of "post mortem" of the relationship and I realized that much of the negativity was a product of crossed wires and misunderstandings and not cruelty or malice.

 

I opted to break NC to scrub some of that negativity off of the relationship. She left me thinking I was a cold and unfeeling. That not only slams the door on any future reconciliation, but it also means that even a friendship is unlikely. I know that now a friendship is certain, and the possibility of a reconciliation is not out the the question, as it had been before.

 

And this is why I think your approach sucks, no offense meant. All this did was feed you false hope of getting back with her at some point. It's going to be a lot more difficult to convince yourself to move forward and truly improve when you have this self-constructed glimmer of hope. You would have been better off letting her do her and you do you. I just see a lot of mental gymnastics going on here, and in my experience that's not a good thing.

 

You say you want to detach, but your words suggest otherwise.

[kacper]

Okay. I'm out. I'd much rather listen to my health than the dogma of folks on this site. I sleep great now, I'm eating well again, I'm dating a pretty girl, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I'm on friendly terms with my ex. All because I reached out and got closure on my relationship. If that's a failed strategy, I'll take it.

 

Getting back together with my ex was always like playing the lottery. There's no harm in buying a ticket, and hoping you win. So long as you don't quit your job and pin your whole life to that hope.