Feel guilty (effects of abuse?!) even talking

[mattie]

SO many things are going through my mind right now. Things that I am certain are abusive traits/situations which my partner describes (after the fact) as simple common or garden every day marital hiccups, etc.

 

Here's a big one - I feel terrible even discussing these things, but here goes. I recently came across a book that covered a very sensitive subject (father daughter incest), one which has relevance to experiences in my youth. My partner of 17 years is fully aware of what happened to me. was very verbally supportive of my decision to both to buy the book (big embarrassing thing to do in my local bookstore as the title of the book is in huge black lettering and is very 'to the point') and to read it. We talked, there was no upset on my part, just feelings of being sensitive and of having achieved climbing another step with this thing. All's well. Later though, once we had gone to bed (children were still wandering about getting themselves settled for the night) I asked my partner for a hug - I needed one. He ignored me. I asked again, saying how much I needed a hug and he reacted to this by launching into a discussion about whether I was entirely happy with my 'personal creative output'. I write professionally and am in the publishing business. I don't think anyone who writes is ever totally happy with their 'personal creative output' - we always feel we'll do our best thing next. But, I was OK with everything - I have to juggle a lot in my work - my own and others' books, but I manage it. My partner then started about financial matters, about how I ought to write something more commercial than I currently do. This is difficult for me and I believe that to maintain my 'writing voice' I must produce from my heart, not from some desire to pen the next mass market best seller. Yep, every couple, unless they are seriously wealthy, has money worries here and there - and this, for us was/is a bit of a low spot. One of the perils of being self employed and having changeable income. Anyway, how, I wondered did we get from me asking for affection and him talking to me as if he were giving a lecture at a business seminar? I can't answer that. How did it affect me? I felt rejected, shunned and punished. Did I do anything? No. I just tried to agree with everything he said to prevent an argument or scene. Our youngest son (11) came into the bedroom to ask a question and my partner became angry with him for not being in bed. When he (son) got upset at his dad's angry tone my partner called our son a f***ing little prima donna.

I tried to let all this ride and pretend it wasn't happening. I was quiet and just got on with stuff for the next day or so. Then, much to my shame I had too much wine at a friend's a day or so later and all the pain and upset over this came out. Partner then REALLY had something to kick off about. Not clever of me, I admit, to actually give him good reason to disapprove of me. But then you don't particularly feel too clever when you're worn down by abuse. The above is just a little example of what happens.

 

Last night we were having a discussion about what I consider his abuse of me. This was to be carried out in a civilized manner - I have made a decision to try to work on all of this using my and not my heart - the emotions are rather raw and battered so I feel it best to bandage them and keep them private. Partner does not like what he calls this NARROW new me. He tries to make me feel insecure by talking about selling our house, which I love. He says that when I get really upset after an 'episode' of abuse (it makes me feel very ill physically - totally out of it, unable to function) I am merely using this as a tool to silence him. I am really not. I have just had so many years of this stress that my reactions ( most rather unpleasant) are almost immediate now. It is fear.

 

I really want to sit this guy down and say, get help. But he won't. He's working away today feeling very bad. This is the longest I've allowed any 'distance' between us to go on. Usually I would have crawled around and tried to make it all better. I can't do that anymore. But I can't see him agreeing to address any of his own issues. i think he'd see that as admitting there can be things wrong with people other than me. He did say last night he was an A hole and being stupid, but this has happened before and it sounds good but doesn't stop the next disaster.

 

Anyone have any ideas as to how I can persuade him to get help - I really think that something can be salvaged here - with effort and love.

[Nine]

Hi Mattie,

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this kind of abuse from your h. I know from experience that it is exhausting and slowly takes pieces of your spirit away.

 

I am not clear if you have already asked your h to get help. If he has already said "no", then chances are you won't be able to change his mind. You may suggest joint, marital counseling. Then, at least, you could have a 3rd person weigh in on the situation and that may help. It may only help you, but that would be ok, wouldn't it?

 

No matter what happens, you may want to consider seeing a therapist on your own. Some reasons why I think it would be a good idea...

 

- to help you develop other coping strategies to deal with your h

- to help you process your own feelings about his abuse

- to have someone on your side, an advocate

- to help you process your feelings about your father

 

Good Luck and keep posting,

Nine

[Craig]

Originally posted by mattie

He did say last night he was an A hole and being stupid, but this has happened before and it sounds good but doesn't stop the next disaster.

 

Anyone have any ideas as to how I can persuade him to get help - I really think that something can be salvaged here - with effort and love.

Mattie, it's good to see you are doing your homework and reading up on abuse. Do some research on the 'cycle of abuse' I think it will be enlightening for you.

 

Getting your partner to get help may be impossible. My own experience of getting my SO to see counsellors (yes plural) was that my SO became very angry at each counsellor and refused to go back for a second session. The typical session started off with the counsellor talking to us both for about 10 minutes and then with all of the subtlety of a 50 caliber machine gun the counsellors attention would be focused on my TBXW. It got to the point that I forewarned the last counsellor not to focus too much attention on my TBXW because she didn't believe that she had the problem. I actually hoped that the counsellors that we went to see would find something wrong with me and what I was doing because I was willing to make any changes necessary to preserve and enhance my marriage.

 

What you want is a better life for yourself and your children. If your partner will not go to counselling then certainly you can go by yourself and you might also consider involving some of your children in the counselling after you get going with a counsellor that you are comfortable with. Your children have been affected by the abuse, in fact they may see an abusive situation as normal, to be expected and might find a healthy relationship uncomfortable.

 

Keep posting.

 

PS In your relationship with your partner, who do you think is the strong partner? The weak partner? Who is dominant and who is submissive?

[mattie]

[quote

PS In your relationship with your partner, who do you think is the strong partner? The weak partner? Who is dominant and who is submissive?

 

Well, now. I fluctuate here. I sometimes feel that I am strong. And I know for sure that my eldest daughter of 19 sees me as strong. So too, though this is expressed less verbally that with my eldest girl, do my younger two children. But my strength is quiet. I am not dominant although I am viewed as 'knowing' my own mind by others - Because I have my own business - am free-lance at my work and am responsible for a lot I am seen as strong. But...emotionally, I become 'weakened' increasingly quickly now. Almost at the first point of 'attack'. I then see myself as being made to feel weak but I don't necessarily see my partner as being strong. That's almost like insulting the word, isn't it, because it can't be strength that causes it this. It must be inadequacy.

 

I think I am fundamentally strong - but I become lacking in emotional and physical strength whenever I have to deal with another installment. As far as how my partner would see this, hhm, very difficult. In fact, I'm not even going to bother right now trying to work out the jumbled contents of someone else's head when I'm just getting to grips with what's rattling around in my own.

 

;-)

[Craig]

Would it be fair to say that in you are a strong woman but submissive in your relationship? Would it also be fair to say that your partner is dominant in the relationship? As an outside observer would you say that your partner is the weaker person in the relationship?

 

This is just something for you to think about. You are incredibly strong, to have put up with what would have been unbearable for others, survived and even succeeded in your career (even though it may be hard to feel that way at times.)

 

I don't know if this is true in your situation but sometimes the abuser (dominant but weak) is afraid of losing the survivor (strong but submissive) and exerts power and control over the survivor through abusive behavior. Once again just something to think about.

[blind_otter]

From my perspective, I begged my ex to get help. I cried. I screamed and yelled at him. I tried to manipulate him into doing it. Tricked him. I got down on my hands and knees. I would ask him while he was abusing me why he was doing what he was doing. It seemed to egg him on and he would almost feed off my misery and my tears and it would energize him to be more abusive and violent.

 

In calm moments, the honeymoon phases when he would come back and sugar up to me and be all sweet, he would even weep about his inability to change himself. He would cry about what he had done to me, how he hurt me, how I didn't deserve to be treated as disrespectfully as he treated me. I would ask why he did it, he would have no answer for me.

 

Ultimately, if he doesn't want to get help, he won't. There's not much hope unless the motivation to heal comes from within himself.

 

I wish yu a lot of luck!