Author Ronnie33 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 Believe me, I haven't always been 'here'. I have been through hell and back but am determined not to go backwards. I have read so many stories here and know without a doubt I don't want to be in this same place in another 3, 5, 10 years or more. I see how it can happen. In fact, that's one thing that helps me. I don't want to waste another day, another moment. I've been through all the stages too. You can do it. Day by day. I don't want to waste anymore time. That's why I finally walked away. Two years is enough and I can't even believe it went that long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) I'm really impressed with your resolve. I met with MM last night to say good-bye, and I totally caved in. He walked in the door, swooped me up in his arms, and hugged me for a really long time. I could tell right then it was going to be a big mistake to do it in person. Once he started talking, explaining himself, answering my questions, and telling me how he feels about me, I was right back in there. The smell of the person, their skin, all those sensory memories just mess with your mind. I think NC is going to be my only way out. My resolve isn't that strong. I met him the day before wanting to end it and we ended up all over eachother and with him telling me he didn't want to end it. When I left I told him tomorrow was our last day and to meet me for lunch in a public place so we couldn't be alone. We can't be near eachother but that last time I knew it had to be goodbye. When you are ready for it to be over you will do it. It will still hurt but you will realize there is no other way. When you are done watching his life go on while you stand there wanting more you will move on. Edited April 15, 2015 by Ronnie33 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 My resolve isn't that strong. I met him the day before wanting to end it and we ended up all over eachother and with him telling me he didn't want to end it. When I left I told him tomorrow was our last day and to meet me for lunch in a public place so we couldn't be alone. We can't be near eachother but that last time I knew it had to be goodbye. When you are ready for it to be over you will do it. It will still hurt but you will realize there is no other way. When you are done watching his life go on while you stand there wanting more you will move on. Thanks for being honest, Ronnie. It makes me feel better to realize I'm not the only one who doesn't get it right the first time. It was funny how, during the evening, I kept thinking, "How will I face everyone on LS after messing this up so badly?!" I think I'm so tough, sometimes, but this is not easy. I try to intellectualize it, and that works well when he's not around (which is why NC is best.) AS soon as he's around, the chemicals kick in and I lose my resolve. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Hell I've been attempting to (in my head) end it for a year now. But you are right, it's difficult when you try to do it face to face. 3 years ago when I thought I was ending it face to face when he changed companies, he held me and kept telling me we would still see each other. But to me that wasn't the point - the point was it had to be over but I never said the words 'no this is completely done and here is our chance'. I caved inside his arms and I knew right then it probably wasn't over. And within a month he was contacting me. I tried to use the fact I didn't see him anymore everyday - that distance - as my chance to detach. I resolved myself to not reaching out. He would reach out to me from time to time and we kept it to just friendly/professional emails for 4 months and I really stupidly thought it was over. He asked me to lunch to catch up and tell me about the new job. Bam - we were back in it off/on. All that changed was the dynamic because we don't see each other everyday. So although I do think face to face can be good for closure, your resolve to really end it has to be stronger than their presence and words in that moment or you will fall back in a heartbeat. I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Ronnie, your mindset is correct. Why waste anymore time? That's what I thought. Wasn't 7 years long enough to live in a bubble of what if? The over analysis, conspiring, and all the domination of your mind vs. enjoying life was a waste. I'm at about 4 months and when I think of speaking to her, I ask myself what's the point? It's a waste. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I know he cared and I know he's respecting what I asked but I also miss him and can't stop wondering if he misses me. These things mess with your mind so much. I have had other break ups before and never questioned whether the feelings were real or not but these break ups are so much harder. I guess it's because you lose yourself so much in them that the though you did it all for someone who didn't care is even worse. YOu can't have it both ways... YOu DID ask him to respect your wishes and now you are fretting because he is.???? Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 YOu can't have it both ways... YOu DID ask him to respect your wishes and now you are fretting because he is.???? Poppy I know, you are right. I keep telling myself that this is what I asked for because it's for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 (edited) Ronnie.. You sound like you're trying to convince yourself to do something you are most unwilling to do. Remember all the resolve you had? Don't let all these wandering thoughts drag you back to square 1. Remember the pain and remember the fundamental fact that there is no future. It's a simple matter of comparing pros and cons. In most As, the cons are blindingly "in our face" but we did it anyway. So these are the consequences we have to face. For a point I actually felt like "I don't mind going through all these pain if we can be together again and get back to where we were". It's all silly daydreams. Truth is it will NEVER go back to where it was. And even if it does, the inevitable pain will be tenfold to what you're feeling now. Dont let it happen.. I know how conflicted you feel. You can't help it and emotions won't go away over night. But it will go away slowly night after night, bit by bit. Let it wash over you and don't muster any strength to even bother thinking or analyzing it. There is zero point in it. xAP will never be a source of comfort anymore no matter how much he cares or not. Just let it be. You will think and you will miss, but take this 1 day at a time and soon you'll realize it gets easier and easier to not think of him anymore. And slowly you'll find that life actually do go on even without them. So make it a good life from now on! Edited April 16, 2015 by m4p Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Share Posted May 4, 2015 It has been one month since I went NC. The first few weeks I was so mad at him but now that's disappearing and I miss my friend. I keep going back and forth between the bargaining and anger phase. I really just want to get to indifference so I can move on an be done. I know it takes awhile but I miss him more now then I did weeks ago. I can't stand myself and who I had become, I feel like a completely different woman then who I was two years ago. The one thing I can say is that everyday I make it another day with NC I am proud of myself. Anyway just wanted to give you guys an update and here is to another month ad step closer to moving on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 So proud of you Ronnie. Stay strong and know this place is here for you if you need to vent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 It has been one month since I went NC. The first few weeks I was so mad at him but now that's disappearing and I miss my friend. I keep going back and forth between the bargaining and anger phase. I really just want to get to indifference so I can move on an be done. I know it takes awhile but I miss him more now then I did weeks ago. I can't stand myself and who I had become, I feel like a completely different woman then who I was two years ago. The one thing I can say is that everyday I make it another day with NC I am proud of myself. Anyway just wanted to give you guys an update and here is to another month ad step closer to moving on. 1 month is worth celebrating. Yes, we need to be careful because we do miss them even after a few months, but we don't have to act on our feelings. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Well done!! Glad you pulled through, one day at a time. I am beginning to feel "numbed". Not much desire to see or contact him because I'm so tired of feeling sad, but there's this heavy feeling that just cannot seem to go away.. Oh well.. Trudging onwards the road of indifference! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 That's so great! It will get easier.... There will be moments but just redirect your thoughts......yay! Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Great job, Ronnie! I'm going through the same thing. I'm on 11 weeks and I'm starting to really miss talking to him. But we don't give in. We treat these feelings as fleeting and continue on with our day. Keep it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 that's great, Ronnie. It starts with the decision to go NC, then the first hour, first day, first week, first month...and before you know it you're healed. If you have been journaling or even writing here, it may help, when you're feeling weak, to go back and read some of the meaningful passages. You have made the healthy, loving choice for you. the best possible choice for you and your future. It is painful now, but the best choices sometimes are. Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 That's awesome...I'll be NC 4 month son the 12th and I still waiver between bargaining and anger as well....I miss him and sometimes wish he gave a crap to try and break NC, BUT I am getting stronger little bit at a time Well done Ronnie!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 You are doing great Ronnie. This is no doubt the right thing to do. Don't ever think otherwise. I would be at 2 months NC if xMM hadn't barged his way back in. So now I am close to 4 weeks. He has actually tried again but I've ignored and blocked. I don't know about everyone's xMMs on this thread, but I've been doing well because I am just getting clearer and clearer about how manipulative this man was to me. I mean, sure, there were fun times. Obviously something roped me in to begin with, and made it hard for me to get out. But there were so many more awful things. When I really think about it, he mistreated me over and over. He controlled me in these sneaky little ways. He 'managed' me down over the course of our A. So much of it makes me angry now...I can't believe what I allowed, especially considering I was risking my marriage, my family. Honestly, it shocks me. So if I ever get sideways and think I want to miss him (which happens less and less) - I just think about those things. I actually made a list. I pull it out and go, oh yeah. And check off another day of NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 One month is real progress. Well done. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Ronnie Pretend like you are a NASCAR. the only gear is FAST and the only way is FORWARD. There is no reverse!!!!!! Keep your foot on the accelerator. he is NOT your friend. He was the guy that used you for sex or he would be there now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
circe221 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 You will have ups and downs. But in the long run, it all part of the growth that will come out of the experience. Stand strong and don't look back! Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Ronnie Pretend like you are a NASCAR. the only gear is FAST and the only way is FORWARD. There is no reverse!!!!!! Keep your foot on the accelerator. he is NOT your friend. He was the guy that used you for sex or he would be there now. This is exactly what my psychologist said - my ExMM is not my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 I have been off of here for awhile, just trying to move on I guess. I started a new job last week and it's for some reason since I started it I can't stop thinking about my AP. I don't know if it's the change, or stress but the past few days I have to fight myself not to text him. I don't know why I miss him so much, I was doing ok and then all of a sudden it just hit me all over again. I'm scared I'm going to break NC, I'm scared I'm never going to move on and I'm scared of why the hell I still miss him so much when I thought I was moving along ok. Anyway i needed to check in tonight because it's been rough and I don't want to let myself down. Thanks for listening 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 You've come so far! Recovery and healing isn't perfectly linear. Take it one day at a time. Don't look back, you're not going that way. You got this! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I get like that too, but then I wait it out and it usually passes. Remind yourself of some unpleasant memories and why you started no contact to begin with. If you break it....he wins! Game over! Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Change, even good change, is stressful. And yes, when I am going through stressful times I look to those people who have been there for me in the past to support me. So, it's understandable you're feeling like a relapse is upon you. Can you hang out with some friends this week? Or go visit family? Are there other supportive people you can talk to, to get you through this period? NC with MM is just like any other breakup. This too shall pass. Give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
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