Casual partner saying he doesn't want me sleeping with anyone else

[Seraphina87]

I initially started seeing this guy last year - it's literally just sex and there are various reasons why we would be completely unsuitable partners for each other. It's complicated - there seems to be an intense attraction between us. For me it sometimes feels like an addiction which is not good. But he pressured me so I tried to keep away for some time. Then we ended up getting back in touch and he was off with me. It seems to be because he wants me to agree to only sleep with him.

 

This isn't what casual relationships are about and I wondered if this is a sign of abusive and controlling tendencies.

[elaine567]

Very, very few men want their FWB to be sleeping with anyone else, it is very often a one sided arrangement.

You sleep with him and he is free to sleep with whoever he likes.

[preraph]

He just wants to possess you for when he wants you. He would probably love to have more than one woman willing to let him drop by at night whenever he felt the urge.

 

Please don't waste your time with this guy. Find someone you DO want to be with.

[barcode88]

Very, very few men want their FWB to be sleeping with anyone else, it is very often a one sided arrangement.

You sleep with him and he is free to sleep with whoever he likes.

 

I don't think it's fair to generalize like this. Sexual Partners regardless of gender, prefer only to be screwing each other. That way you're not introducing possible STD's to the mix etc. etc. Condoms don't stop them all, can still get herpes and stuff.

 

 

It's not outrageous for FWB partners to agree to not have sex with others.

[Seraphina87]

I agree that STIs is a sensible concern. But we've already discussed that. I didn't know herpes could be passed on even with a condom - how worrying. I think it's controlling though.

[Seraphina87]

Very, very few men want their FWB to be sleeping with anyone else, it is very often a one sided arrangement.

You sleep with him and he is free to sleep with whoever he likes.

 

Is this a general thing that you have found men do? How do they justify their hypocrisy to themselves? Or is it only the ones who see women as objects? My experience is that some men seem jealous and some know better than to comment on it. Also, men know that women find it far easier to have a choice of partners than they do.

 

I suppose what I meant initially is that I don't like this man as a person but there is something about the sex that I like. But I'm worried he might be abusive.

[Shining One]

Whenever I have a FWB, I prefer us to be exclusive. This is a safety measure, nothing more. Usually, the women suggest this before I do.

[Seraphina87]

Shining - so for you it's clearly an equal approach to the situation. So not all men see it as one sided!

[Shining One]

Yes, for me, it's about a mutually beneficial arrangement. In your case, we don't have enough information to draw a conclusion one way or another. You should discuss his reasons with him. Find out if it's a mutual agreement or just one-sided. Once you have those answers, you will be better equipped to make a decision.

[salparadise]

Whenever I have a FWB, I prefer us to be exclusive. This is a safety measure, nothing more. Usually, the women suggest this before I do.

 

Same here. It's hard to be comfortable sexually if you're wondering how many hours ago she had someone else's penis in there, and multiply that by 1000 if oral is part of the repertoire. On the other hand, if you're exclusive, confident of each other's healthy status and on bc, then it can potentially be a lot more pleasurable.

 

I don't think it's purely a practical preference though. It also makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective, and there are examples throughout the history books of the lengths to which men will go to ensure they aren't being cuckolded. The same is not quite true for women since maternal parentage is never in question... and there are certain other advantages to having a few suitors in the queue.

 

I say just make sure it's a mutual arrangement, if you're at all interested in exclusivity. But if you'd rather be free to do multiples at once then just say so and let him make his decision about sloppy seconds and so forth. With a fwb arrangement, you can still bang someone else spontaneously... your only ethical obligation is to not be deceptive about it.

[stillafool]

Most men (even FWB) don't want the woman sleeping with other men because they don't want sloppy seconds. Ask him if he's asking you to be in a one on one relationship? If not, next him.

[preraph]

If you set no standards for men to meet, you will always attract men who treat you bad. This is up to you. Learn to say no when they just want to use you.

[Seraphina87]

If you set no standards for men to meet, you will always attract men who treat you bad. This is up to you. Learn to say no when they just want to use you.

 

I don't want a relationship though. I simply don't have time at the moment and I would not seriously date this particular man anyway for various reasons. I'm not being used - I'm very practised at casual relationships and committed ones so I do know what I'm doing. I am used to a don't ask, don't tell approach in the case of casual relationships though.

[Auspecial]

Very, very few men want their FWB to be sleeping with anyone else, it is very often a one sided arrangement.

You sleep with him and he is free to sleep with whoever he likes.

 

 

^^^^^^ Yep!

[Seraphina87]

If I wanted a relationship now I certainly would not start it with something casual, hoping it was going to become more serious because that isn't how it works.

[No Limit]

Laugh in his face and show him to the door. Next!

[stillafool]

 

I suppose what I meant initially is that I don't like this man as a person but there is something about the sex that I like. But I'm worried he might be abusive.

 

If you only want sex from this man and not a relationship why would you think he might be abusive. Most men are only abusive to women they are in relationships with, not women they only see sometimes for sex. It's highly doubtful he would abuse you for that short time. However, as said before he only wants you to have sex with him because he wants to protect his penis. Alot of men feel this way.

[Diezel]

Very, very few men people want their FWB to be sleeping with anyone else, it is very often a one sided arrangement.

 

Fixed that for you.

You know... because generalizing.

[PegNosePete]

Two options as I see it:

 

1) Tell him no, you want to sleep with others, and if that's not OK with him then he knows where the door is.

 

2) Tell him that you're fine with sexual exclusivity, as long as it goes both ways, so neither of you will sleep with anyone else while the agreement is in place. Of course if either of you wants to get into a relationship with someone else then you are both free to break the exclusivity agreement at any time, but you must inform each other in advance.

 

The only other thing I would add, is that while you're sleeping with him, dating others with the view to getting into a relationship might be a bad idea. Put yourself in the other guy's shoes. You're dating him, then going off to screw your FWB. That would immediately put off any guy that I know. So if you're looking to get into a relationship with someone else, I would stop this FWB thing. But until then - as long as you're both on the same page - have fun!

[barcode88]

There is a lot of Misandry towards Men in this thread. BOTH Men and Women don't want their casual partner screwing the whole world ... because ya know... STDS...

[anika99]

Obviously your idea of what is acceptable in a FWB relationship does not match his idea what's acceptable in a FWB relationship. Neither of you are right or wrong, you just have differing opinions. However if this differences is causing distress to either you or him then it is probably best to end the whole situation and find someone else to be your FWB.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Obviously your idea of what is acceptable in a FWB relationship does not match his idea what's acceptable in a FWB relationship. Neither of you are right or wrong, you just have differing opinions. However if this differences is causing distress to either you or him then it is probably best to end the whole situation and find someone else to be your FWB.

 

Agreed.

 

Either end it or discuss the expectations each of you have. If it feels right, go for it. If it doesn't, cut each other loose.

 

It's called COMMUNICATION and being FWB doesn't mean you are exempt from it.

[Seraphina87]

If you only want sex from this man and not a relationship why would you think he might be abusive. Most men are only abusive to women they are in relationships with, not women they only see sometimes for sex. It's highly doubtful he would abuse you for that short time. However, as said before he only wants you to have sex with him because he wants to protect his penis. Alot of men feel this way.

 

 

This isn't true - he has shown that he can be controlling in bed generally. Perhaps I have drip fed so my apologies. Abusers don't suddenly go into abuser mode just because they're in a relationship though. In any case, although I agree that stds are a good reason he initially said it wasn't about that, then changed his mind when I suggested he came across a little controlling.