Told him I want a divorce

[misty12]

So I dropped the bomb. He said he was completely in shock. How? I have been sleeping in a separate bedroom, and refusing sex, for about 8 months, and had 2 EA's. He had cheated as well, before I did.

 

I feel so horrible. He is so committed to making our marriage work and saying I'm throwing it all away all because I'm not attracted to him, that it's a stupid reason. I don't know what to think right now. I'm tired of being in this limbo for 3 years, agonizing over what decision to make, and having my counselor listen to indecisiveness ad nauseum. Tired of the stress of feeling like I am closing myself off to better opportunities, and not making the most out of life. How do you deal?

[kenmore]

So I dropped the bomb. He said he was completely in shock. How? I have been sleeping in a separate bedroom, and refusing sex, for about 8 months, and had 2 EA's. He had cheated as well, before I did.

 

The shock thing is normal. People live in denial and think the status quo will always continue. It's not unique to your situation.

 

Not being familiar with your background (and maybe I'll do a little stalking later before bedtime), I can't know why you did this nor what you have been feeling other than what you just said. Have you thought about counseling? You seem like you are not really sure. Maybe there's a chance.

 

Then again, if you have both had affairs, then maybe it's never going to be right.

 

Ken

[Decisiontomake]

Hi Misty. I flicked through a few of your threads to get an idea of what your story is. This post, and an older one talks of the reaction of your H and how it maks it difficult to follow through with leaving. I've been separated a year, married 20 before that. The balls required to leave were huge! Most difficult thing I've ever done. Our Ms were very different from what I've read of yours. My H is lovely so our issues were different but the pain of their reaction stopping us from Leaving is the same. If YOU are not happy then you need to leave. It truly is that simple. There's "whys" and "when's" and "what ifs" that can bea 24/7 script in our heads but sometimes there aren't answers other than knowing you're not happy. Listen to that. Protect yourself and the rest of your life. Your H needs to take that same responsibility for his.

[davidromero43]

Top regret of people on their deathbed. Do you really want to wait?

 

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

[misty12]

This is so hard.. I really do enjoy his company (when he's not in one of his obsessive depressive phases), and am longing for it. I just don't want to kiss him or have sex with him.

 

Should I live the next 40 years of my life never experiencing the enjoyable feelings of being intimate with a man?

[oldshirt]

This is so hard.. I really do enjoy his company (when he's not in one of his obsessive depressive phases), and am longing for it. I just don't want to kiss him or have sex with him.

 

Should I live the next 40 years of my life never experiencing the enjoyable feelings of being intimate with a man?

 

 

 

No, because that would also be depriving him of being with someone that wants to be with him fully instead of just being with you to entertain you and keep you company until something better comes along and you dump his a$$ cold.

 

 

Do both of yourselves a favor and end this now so both of you can move on.

[kenmore]

Geez, I realized you said you had counseling in your first post and I asked you if you tried it. Sorry, too little sleep lately.

 

I must agree with oldshirt. It would be doing him a favor to end it, don't be selfish.

 

And (yes, starting a sentence with a preposition), create some boundaries for yourself. If (again) you feel you need to have an affair, leave your husband first. Expect the same from him.

 

I just can't get how anybody could forgive that. Just my hangup I guess. Not trying to persecute you, just my opinion.

 

Ken

 

P.S. trying to work on my English...

[misty12]

I agree he deserves more than this. It's so hard to see him so hurt. My first instinct is to take back everything I said, hug him and just go back to the way things used to be. I hate how I can't control my feelings.

[Majormisstep]

Do you really want things to go back to the way they used to be? Probably not Misty and I'm saying this in the kindest reference.

 

You may not be able to control your feelings but you CAN control what you do. If your heart and soul want reconciliation, then you would feel it without any doubts. But that doesn't seem to be what you want...

 

The divorce conversation is the hardest, followed by someone leaving the marital home. Then after that, peaks and valleys, tears and smiling, then calmer days and acceptance. Go with your heart.

 

Ken, your English is exceptional ;-)

Edited April 5, 2015 by Majormisstep
typo

[kenmore]

Ken, your English is exceptional ;-)

 

Thanks misstep. I am my own worst critic in every aspect of my life and sometimes I get too anal. Other people have told me this (about being anal), so I always try to improve myself. I think that may be the definition of anal though... :-O

 

Misty, and I love that name, I have no idea if it's your real name; if my wife came to me and "took back" everything she said and did since she kicked me out, I would not accept it. Too much damage done.

 

That said, it does not mean there has been too much damage done to fix things, and that includes our entire relationship, it's just that her saying that would not fix anything.

 

The fix would have to include an entire revamping of our relationship. there would be no "going back" to what was (which seems to be the only thing she can imagine), rather it would be counseling, a complete re-work of the hierarchy, and a re-work of our interactions. Sure it would be work, but if two people love each other, why not?

 

The only answer I can come up with is she does not care enough to try. I have suggested this but never really got it out fully before she shut me down and didn't listen. I gave up trying because it sounds too needy now.

 

I can find a new woman who will love me and I will love her. My current wife is someone I love with all my heart NOW, but that will change. While it would be great to have it work with her, I can see an alternate future.

 

I can't know how you feel. It seems you are considering being together for convenience and not having to face real feelings. As I said, I can't know how you two feel, but if you have both had affairs, I don't see that you two are really investing the emotional nuts to make it so. Not trying to be cruel, just trying to get a dose of reality in your path.

 

Don't stay together for the wrong reason. Your last post said you might do it (sigh, if I must, just to avoid a difficult situation...) No! That's no way to have a marriage. There's one way only, and that's to give oneself completely and unconditionally to the marriage, love with all your heart and soul. Otherwise, f*ck it!

 

Ken

Edited April 6, 2015 by kenmore

[misty12]

Thank you majormisstep and kenmore. And kenmore I agree, your English is great!

 

I have to realize that there is no 'going back' to the way things were, because that reality doesn't exist any more. Our marriage changed forever that one night he got completely wasted and succumbed to the advances of an ex. He confessed and was so remorseful. I forgave him, but I felt like our marriage was tainted. I guess I didn't forgive like I thought I did. Instead of working through it, I cheated. As a result of my cheating, I went to counseling. In counseling I learned that my husband was abusive. All of this made me pull away from him emotionally and check out of the marriage.

 

NOW he so desperately wants to work things out and be a better husband, because he doesn't want to lose me. But does he really care about my feelings or only his own? He is a good person deep down...just immature and self centered because he never received tough love growing up. I have my faults as well.. I'm far from perfect. I am now sexually attracted to a different type of man..if we stayed married, I'd have to force myself to be aroused by a guy who's totally not my type, all because we have a history and I do care about him.

 

I read so many stories of spouses callously walking out on, or kicking out, their spouse. That is not me, I am deeply affected by how my husband feels. I long for the days before this all happened, when I lived in ignorant contentment.

[oldshirt]

Thank you majormisstep and kenmore. And kenmore I agree, your English is great!

 

I have to realize that there is no 'going back' to the way things were, because that reality doesn't exist any more. Our marriage changed forever that one night he got completely wasted and succumbed to the advances of an ex. He confessed and was so remorseful. I forgave him, but I felt like our marriage was tainted. I guess I didn't forgive like I thought I did. Instead of working through it, I cheated. As a result of my cheating, I went to counseling. In counseling I learned that my husband was abusive. All of this made me pull away from him emotionally and check out of the marriage.

 

NOW he so desperately wants to work things out and be a better husband, because he doesn't want to lose me. But does he really care about my feelings or only his own? He is a good person deep down...just immature and self centered because he never received tough love growing up. I have my faults as well.. I'm far from perfect. I am now sexually attracted to a different type of man..if we stayed married, I'd have to force myself to be aroused by a guy who's totally not my type, all because we have a history and I do care about him.

 

I read so many stories of spouses callously walking out on, or kicking out, their spouse. That is not me, I am deeply affected by how my husband feels. I long for the days before this all happened, when I lived in ignorant contentment.

 

Just because you are human and are not completely devoid of human feelings doesn't mean, that you should stay with someone you no longer feel close and connected to.

 

No said hate and disgust were requirements for dissolving a relationship that is no longer working.

[misty12]

You are right, oldshirt. When I think of divorce, I picture 2 miserable, hateful people who are at each other's throats at all times. I don't know many divorced people so maybe that's why.

[LoveMyCat]

You are right, oldshirt. When I think of divorce, I picture 2 miserable, hateful people who are at each other's throats at all times. I don't know many divorced people so maybe that's why.

 

Divorces often are not hateful. Sometimes they are simply a parting of ways of two people who no longer have anything in common, maybe kids and grown and gone, and knowing they likely have decades of life remaining, want a chance for happiness.

 

My husband and I are separated and will divorce eventually. He is not quite ready, although he asked for the separation, so I am leaving him alone for a few months and will bring it up after a little more time passes, as we need to get the house on the market (he stayed, I left.) but we are polite, wish each other well, and simply want to be apart. I hope I never hate him. I don't want much from him, so I see no reason for feelings to change too much. No infidelity, so that helps. I think cheating within a marriage is often the reason for hatred to develop. That is unforgivable for many people. (Would have been for me.)

[kenmore]

I always find it so interesting how events in my life relate to those brought up here. Maybe it's just that I seek and find things that relate, but it seems like more than that.

 

Talking about keeping in touch with exes and continuing friendships:

 

I know my wife wants to divorce me, but still cares about me. I think I realized that last part tonight but It does not matter. What matters to me is that she feels like I'm excess baggage w/no regard to anything positive I contributed.

 

She would like to drop the dead weight and have a friend in the background who she may invite over for pity dinners, pity movies and to unload her problems on occasionally, but not have any serious commitment with. sorry, not interested.

 

I am planning (and going to do unless am very ill or injured) on moving my things out of her house Monday. She keeps trying to get me to leave it there because she's "worried about me having to spend money I don't have on a storage unit". I just need the closure. I told her that today. I will move my things because we will be divorced soon, and when that happens, we can move on with our lives. I will move my things because I need closure. Think she got it?

 

I don't hate her LMC, in fact sadly I still love her, but I will not remain friends. It would just be too painful. I just wish to move on.

 

I too don't wish to hate her, but I don't wish to be her friend. I wish for a nice peaceful indifference. Oddly, the very thing I dreaded going into this breakup!

 

Ken

[misty12]

No, because that would also be depriving him of being with someone that wants to be with him fully instead of just being with you to entertain you and keep you company until something better comes along and you dump his a$$ cold.

 

 

Do both of yourselves a favor and end this now so both of you can move on.

 

I reread this post, and realized how true it is. I am trying to set him free to be with someone who wants him and is crazy about him.. But he doesn't want to be set free! He truly feels he will not find anyone better. He insists we work on things to get my feelings for him to come back. I am trying to make his life better, but he won't let me. He'd rather stick it out with me with hopes my desire for him will return. Why won't he let me do what's best for both of us? Even his mother called me and insisted that he and I take a romantic vacation together so that we reconnect. No one gets it.