What is he hiding NOW!?!?!?

[FolderWife]

ARG!

 

Ok, my husband lies to me and hides porn, and I have fought against it our entire marriage, until February when I finally gave ups and let him keep his 11 Pornos that he bought behind my back (including opening a PO BOX TO HAVE THEM SHIPPED TO!!!)

 

So now, hubby has my approval to watch porn. I just asked him not to buy any more for a while.

 

Every two to three months when my rat...er uh...husband would buy porn he would get this attitude like I was slime on the bottom of his shoe. He would be really rude and hateful and disrespectful.

 

I figured if I didn't disapprove of his porn habits, then he'd have no reason to get this way whenever he'd be hiding them. So I stopped asking him not to have them for my own peace of mind.

 

Now, ironically two months after the last time that I found porn, he's acting hateful and rude and insensitive again. Yesterday, when I got home from work, he was rude to me first thing, and didn't speak to me all evening. He has NOTHING to be angry at me about, so I have no choice but to believe that once again he's hiding something.

 

But he has his pornos, so WHAT COULD IT BE NOW!

 

I did a snoop under his bathroom sink this morning (since EVERY time I go in there to get toilet paper, he says, "Get out of my bathroom!" in a playful way...and he only does that when he's hiding something in the bathroom) so I figured I'd start there.

 

I found an opened advertisement to buy $100 worth of porn and get $500 worth free. No big deal, I don't guess. However, it was from his PO box that he got behind my back. The last time I mentioned it, he SAID that he hadn't checked that mail since he got his 7 porn package last December.

 

I'm really that stupid, Honey.

 

So now I find this. I looked all over it for a date, and the best I could find was, "Must be submitted by April 4, 2005"

 

That could've been sent any time. I know where he hides the key. I was in his car, and I opened the console to get change, and found a key. I thought to myself, "I thought he kept his PO key on his keychaing." and then like a dummy I realized it was the key to his secret po box.

 

So I could steal the key so he can't check his mail any more but I don't know what good that would do. He saw where I'd bought some shirts the other day, and said, "Are you sneaking again!?" I said, "Hey, you can sneak, I can sneak!" He said, "I'm not sneaking." I said, "Um...I still don't know where the key to your secret po box it..." <--lie and he said, "You still haven't found it? Have you been looking for it?" I said, "No, I've been trusting you to give it to me." <--lie

 

So now, I'm on HIS LEVEL! Lying and sneaking just to make myself feel better.

 

And now he's acting sneaky, so what's he hiding now!!???

[LucreziaBorgia]

It doesn't matter what he's hiding. The problem isn't porn. Even if you eliminated all the porn and welded his PO door shut - you won't change the fact that there are some serious underlying problems in your relationship which will continue to fester there. If you treat one symptom, another will pop up somewhere else. He will find negative outlets and you can continue to block off those outlets - but trust me, for every one you block another will take its place. Why? Because you are only addressing the outlets, not the thing causing him to create them. If you were to close off all of his outlets - how long before he starts finding more physically or emotionally violent and abusive ways to express his frustrations?

 

You are more than willing to treat the symptoms of the problems in this relationship because they aren't working for you, but it doesn't sound like you are willing to treat the illness causing those problems and help it to work for you both.

 

You have it in your power to exact some changes: he either goes to marriage counseling with you to work out these underlying problems, or you will divorce him. Period. You both need serious help in this relationship.

 

The choice is yours: keep playing the wounded martyr or take control of this situation and take the firm steps necessary to work toward a mutually happy marriage for you both.

[tiki]

I think this guy is just a jerk, porn or not!!! Did it occur to you that he's being a jerk BACAUSE HE IS A JERK?!?

 

I need to take snoopin lessons from you...when do you have all this time to snoop, and where's he at while you're doing it?!?

[JadeStar]

Monday, I feel for ya! It seems that he has proven time and time again he needs to lie about things. I have to agree that since you agreed to let him have some porn, then he shouldn't be acting the way he is. Is it possible hes an addict? Meaning addicts usually want more and more of whatever it is they are addicted to to fill that void or get that "fix". Maybe the porn he already has isn't good enough or it was for so long but now he feels the need to move on to something different, or different type of porn. I don't know, but it seems its a vicious cycle. I understand how you're feeling though, been there done that. As a matter of fact I'm getting ready to make a post myself about what my hubby might be hiding too. Grrrrrr! Good luck.

 

 

Jade

[jmargel]

CCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNIIIIIIICCCCCCCCAAAAAAATTTTTTTTIIIIIIIOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNN

 

Did you get that? You two *need* to see a marriage counselor about this. You are resenting each other over these kinds of issues. This won't stop until you go see one.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by tiki

I think this guy is just a jerk, porn or not!!! Did it occur to you that he's being a jerk BACAUSE HE IS A JERK?!?

 

I need to take snoopin lessons from you...when do you have all this time to snoop, and where's he at while you're doing it?!?

 

I don't have to look very hard...I just follow the signs!

 

He acts weird. That's my cue that he's hiding something. He acts that way AS SOON AS he decides to do something sneaky. He has bad days once in a while, and I can accept that, but as soon as he starts acting like he can't stand me, something is up.

 

Then, he POINTS to where the problem is. Like when I was hanging his laundry in February, he ran to do the door, and said, "What are you doing!?" I said, "I'm hanging your laundry.

 

That told me that he had something hid in his closet. So when he got really really irritating, I went to his closet, and found BADABOOM porn.

 

The time before that, he had been acting weird for two weeks, and while I looked for the porn, I didn't find anything. That's because it was on order in the mail. I never suspected he would have a po box!! He had a popcorn can next to his recliner, and I thought, "mmm, popcorn." I opened the container, and it was full of baseball cards. So I went to put the lid back on, and saw something. It was a DVD...PORN!

 

The time before that, He had acted weird for two months, but he finally settled down. Three months later, I found porn in his safe! He had it for six months, and stupid me just trusted him.

 

I'll never trust him again.

 

And as for dealing with the "underlying problem" I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS! He won't tell me, and he won't go to councelling. I don't think he needs marriage councelling. I think he was abused as a kid, and refuses to deal with it..

 

I don't know what that has to do with porn and secrets.

 

It's just so hard to be raised with parents who never hid things from or lied to each other, and then get sattled with this messed up sick person as a husband!

[moimeme]

Well how would you feel if you knew that he thought you were scum because you did something you figured was perfectly fine but which sent him into a tailspin every time? He already feels like garbage because he had a bad past and he resents your attitude about the whole porn thing. He does it but he knows you're going to go snooping and then accuse him.

 

I think Lucrezia hit the nail on the head; you never seek solutions (freaking out and attacking someone is not a solution); you just continue to make yourself the wounded victim. Why have you never sought counselling for yourself?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think he was abused as a kid, and refuses to deal with it..

 

From what you've posted about him - his behaviors, how he deals with problems, how he is with his family, it doesn't surprise me.

 

I don't know what that has to do with porn and secrets.

 

You won't know unless you find a way to get him into counseling with you.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Monday

 

I'll never trust him again.

 

So why are you married to him? I'll just say I agree with LB so as not to post the same advice.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, I'm with Pocky and LB.

 

Let's see-

Is this the same guy who-

 

Has nude pictures of you in his car?

 

Forces you to perform oral sex on him even when your ill?

 

In making you perform oral sex pushes your head down to his crotch- wakes you up in the middle of the night by doing this?

 

Lies about porn all the time?

 

Has extreme family issues and you're constantly afraid if you mess up he will never talk to you again?

 

And, if you read the post you made on "Giving him sex anytime he wants it" he's pretty downright mean to you in general.

 

Monday, you seem like a sweet, really naive girl. You keep posting problems and we keep answering. I'm just not sure what new you expect us to say.................

 

I think you were too young when you got married and perhaps didn't know him well enough- I don't mean to be ugly but when I see you post sometimes it reminds me of a Jerry Springer episode. I'd work on that if I were you in counseling- INDIVIDUAL AND MARRIAGE.

[tiki]

Have you ever really considered divorcing him? I mean, really?

 

Don't you think you deserva a fair shot at a good marriage and a lifetime commitment to a decent guy?

[whichwayisup]

It's like he's doing all this to see how far he can go...What he can and can't get away with. I don't think he's sitting around planning it though, just seems to happen. At the same time though, he's enjoying the controlling part of this. The secretiveness and knowing he's doing something that really isn't appropriate. Living a small part of his own life that he doesn't feel he has to share.

[tiki]

He reminds me of a teenage boy.

[Squirrelly]

That you tell us about the subject matter of the porn. Just bear with me and keep reading.

His going to these lengths even when you allow some is really, really odd, like he's overwhelmed with shame. Reminds me of what a kid might do, even when mom doesn't care about Penthouse on the toilet tank--the kid will still hide it if he gets more.

 

I'm going to go with the idea that porn indeed is *part* of the problem and post with that assumption in mind. Perhaps not the only problem, but part of it.

 

I know a few men and women who were abused sexually, and NONE of them particularly like porn. They might behave inappropriately sexually or enter into problematic behaviors and relationships, but none are big on porn. Is this the main reason you believe he was abused? (Note to posters, when she says "I think he was abused as a kid" it does not mean he actually was.)

 

Can you tell us what kind of porn it is, so we might guess his reasons? In other words...

Does he get an adrenaline rush from doing or hiding something you don't like?

Does he have a fetish you're not interesting in engaging in?

If so, did you make him feel judged or bad about having the fetish?

Does he ever comment that your sexual relationship is boring?

Have you ever rejected him sexually? Has he ever rejected you sexually, and if so, do you think it was because he believes you can't measure up to the polished, plastic surgeried starlets he watches?

My final question: I am not clear on how much porn you allowed or will allow. Did you restrict him to JUST the 11 DVDs? Was there an implication that you'd allow more if he runs it by you or if he simply wouldn't insult your intelligence by hiding something that you *totally* know about, right down to the hidden key?

 

It is my most respectful, extremely humble opinion that some suggestions offered so far (which I am NOT disparaging!) such as communication, are symptom relief and don't get more into the heart of the matter.

[GirlDown]

maybe he does all of this because you let him. you may object, but you never really do anything about it.

 

leave him. see what happens, besides you becoming increasingly happier and more emotionally stable.

 

then decide if this jack-ass was worth making yourself someone's puppet.

[jmargel]

Yep Girldown is correct.. When you yell at him or tell him it bothers you, you know what he hears? "Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah". It's because your threats, your yells are empty. He won't have remorse until he realizes what he's lost.

 

Monday, I've seen you write alot of posts on here, and I don't remember one post where you said something positive about him. You might have a "good" day here & there, but that's not enough to keep a relationship stable. You are living day to day, on this emotional roller coaster. Yes, you may love him but you need more than just love.

 

Personally unless something changes soon, I don't see your marriage lasting for a long time. IMO it'll eventually decay into one of you attracting interest in someone else outside the marriage. Re-read all the posts you've made on here and then think to yourself, is he really worth all the heartache he puts you through?

[NiCoLe20]

i think the more you keep telling him to stop looking at it, the more he wants to... its like taking candy away from a kid - they'll do whatever it takes to get it back or to get it again...

 

why does it bother you so much? id rather have my husband look at them then having phone sex, or to even take it as far as to pursue other woman. did u ever consider watching it with him? it could be hot! i think watchin other people have sex is a complete turn on!

 

i dont think he's gonna stop... its obvious this man is really really horny... do you guys have a lot of sex? or is it more like once a week? i think the both of you should see a sex therapist... he might like certain things in the bed that you dont so thats why he watches it

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Squirrelly

 

I'm going to go with the idea that porn indeed is *part* of the problem and post with that assumption in mind. Perhaps not the only problem, but part of it.

 

 

You might want to go back and read her history. Many that posted have been here for some time and have followed her history, hence the "not porn" comments. There are posts after posts after posts that deal with the porn issue within her marriage. It was quite significant for some time. I'm sure all the questions you've asked have been answered in most of the posts.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey, how come we give her advice and she never comes back to the thread????

[LucreziaBorgia]

Because its probably not the answers/advice she was looking for.

[innerconflict]

Hi Monday....sorry to hear about the dilemma with your husband. I have read your posts and can see how hard it is for you. You have asked everyone for suggestions and opinions on how to deal with the situation. Both you and your husband have been disrespectful towards each other. Now it appears to be a tug of war for control. That's no relationship.

 

I am not sure what you want us to say to you. Perhaps that if the same question is asked repeatedly, that somehow a different answer will be given. You know what needs to be done. Life is too short to be miserable. You have tried different ways to deal with the issue and yet it prevails. Now it is time for drastic measures. Counselling and/or trial separation. Nagging and threatening doesn't work, as you can see for yourself.

 

Good luck, I really mean that.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Because its probably not the answers/advice she was looking for.

 

Smart ass.

 

For your information, once I get the advice, I have no reason to come back and ask for more. I just accept the advice given, do the best I can with it, and leave it at that. Forgive me for not comeing back a million times (like I used to) and saying, "But what about this? But what about that?"

 

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie Hey, how come we give her advice and she never comes back to the thread????

 

I got the advice yesterday. There was no need to respond until I saw my husband again.

 

So last night, he was acting like a jerk. This idiot bill collecter called saying we still owed them $3000 for a four wheeler that we paid off and got the title for in August of last year. So I told my husband to get me the title out of his safe so I could fax it to the guy. My husband is the only one of us with a key to the safe. One time, the first of the month rolled around, and my husband had made no attempt to make the house payment, even though I had reminded him three times. So I got his keys, and got into the safe to get the housepayment book, and found porn in his safe. So I confronted him about it.

 

Well, he was acting like a jerk, so when I told him to get me the title out of his safe, he said, "Oh, so you can snoop for porn, but you can't get the title." I then replied, "I wasn't snooping when I found porn in your safe, I was making the house payment! Do I need to be snooping for something!? This is exactly how you used to act when you had porn hidden somewhere, but now I don't care if you have it, so what's the problem now!?"

 

He said, "You mean why am I acting grouchy!?" I said, "Yes!!" He said, "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

 

Then he calmed down and said, "It's ALWAYS either you or work, and you know it's not you, so what is it?" I said, "Work." He said, "Duh!"

 

Well, this isn't how he usually acts when work is bugging him...this is how he acts when he's hiding something.

 

But I'll just go with work is what's bothering him now, since I don't care if he has porn or not, and I have no proof of anything else.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Monday

Smart ass.

 

For your information, once I get the advice, I have no reason to come back and ask for more. I just accept the advice given, do the best I can with it, and leave it at that. Forgive me for not comeing back a million times (like I used to) and saying, "But what about this? But what about that?"

 

 

Why did I say that? Because with most every subsequent post I see, I don't see you taking any steps to help yourself or your relationship - mostly only posts about how you are victimized and unhappy in this relationship. I wasn't trying to be a sarcastic, or a smartass. I was being dead serious. I am sorry you chose to see it as some smirky remark. I think you are in a terrible situation, which could escalate into something far worse should you choose not to heed advice to take control of your situation before it takes control of you.

[whichwayisup]

Monday, I wish I could knock some sense into that head of his for ya!!! I wish he could see what he is doing and the awful affect it is having on you and the marriage. If he doesn't figure it out, one day you're going to get to the point when enough is enough and walk out the door. I figure that will be the day he realizes wtf he's done and then try to get help.

 

Have you actually considered a trial situation? What he does he is going to do whether you're around or not. Maybe some time apart will do some good...

 

I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry he's being a s***! You deserve someone who will treat you so well and adore you...But I do know you love him and it's hard to give up on the one you love...You will know when and if the time comes to say ENOUGH already!

 

Hugs!

[Mz. Pixie]

The thing is Monday, you remind me so much of a close friend of mine.

 

Married a alcoholic guy on the rebound from a true love. Knew he was a drunk when she married him. They stayed married about eight years. For the first five I got calls at all hours of the night- he hit her, he didn't come home for two or three days, he was mistreating her. I would always stay up and talk and cry and hash things out with her. Once he got locked up on her birthday and she spent all night bailing him out of jail.

 

"What do I do Pix?" she would ask.

I would say, "If he doesn't get sober leave him"

 

She never would. She wouldn't call me back either until the next crisis because she didn't want to hear what I had to say.

 

Finally I had to say "You know what? I get so emotionally invested in your problems. You call here and keep me up at all hours of the night regularly. I've told and told you what you need to do and you do not listen. I'm not going to continue to go through this all the time. I love you and I value your friendship but this is taking vital time away from my family for me to do this. Either shxt or get off the pot."

 

After about three years she finally left him. It cost her a whole lot of money and heartache. Would have hurt less had she left him earlier. Guess what? He's still the same jerky drunk he was back then. He never changed.

 

That's what you need to do Monday- shxt or get off the pot. Either you're going to live with him and put up with all of this crap and just stop talking about it and complaining about it or you're going to leave him. You need to decide which one works for you but either way you need to make a decision.

 

You seem really sweet and I hate to be harsh but this guy treats you terribly. I wouldn't have put up with his shxt for ten million dollars. I wouldn't have put up with 1/4 of what you've put up with and to me, it's just sad. Sad that you think so little of yourself that you continue to be married to this person.

 

I wonder if you're the sort of person who thrives on drama?? All of that would make me extremely tired and angry- really really quick.