confusedwife1981 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I see this alot all over this board and the infidelty board. I would really like to understand. It seems like whenever an affair ends one of the AP's or both always suggest to be friends afterwards. But it is not friendship in the true sense of the word, it's more like a secret friendship. What does a person get out of being someone's secret friend that other people and friends can't know about? How can a person be satisfied with so much less than they were getting? I imagine it would be a major blow to the self esteem to realize that you are the secret friend that can never do what other real friends can, you are the one left out and clueless, you are the one that has no idea about them or their life anymore... I can understand the person who suggests the friendship after the affair ends...they are most likely being selfish or feeling guilty...but for the person who maybe didn't want it to end and is being offered this sh*tty "frienship" in exchange...why accept that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I don't know. I wasn't interested in being friends afterwards. I don't even get why he wanted it Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 In most breakups, I believe it's a way to soften the blow. After an affair, it may also be an attempt to prevent angry disclosure. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Most of the time it's still trying to hold on to a piece of the relationship. It very rarely works if ever. It's actually very painful. Why do people suggest it, in my opinion it's desperation. Most A start out as a friendship and it is what bonded the two in the first place so when the A has to come to an end the parties involved want to try to salvage the friendship part but you can't un ring a bell. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 For me (and I'd imagine a lot of others whose As started at work), we really were friends before progressing to an EA. We were also fantastic work colleagues. I know that my xMM would like us to be that again. As would I if I can get my emotions to regress. Because before it was bad, it was really good! In a good way. And as far as the vast majority of our mutual friends/colleagues are concerned, we are still good friends and workmates. Just as I am good friends and workmates with others. So it won't/wouldn't be a 'secret' friendship at all in that respect. His W and associated folk are the only ones who it would be hidden from. Which has never and won't be a problem because they having nothing to do with his working life. Not that I'm saying we will be friends... but I am certainly considering it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 The dumper wants to be friends, as it softens the break up and makes them feel less guilty. If the dumpee wants to be friends, it is because they want the dumper back, they can't be friends in the true sense of the word. Of course in an A, "friends" may just be a way of continuing the relationship, or taking it underground. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Thank you for all the replies. My H was the one who ended the A but also was the one to suggest a frienship between them. He told her she could still call and text him even after I wanted the friendship to end. I thought at the time, he was just being nice, softening the blow, letting her down easy. But it has been almost 6 months since he ended it and they still chat. Of course they chat ALOT less than before and it's not emotionally or anything. I wondered why she would accept being his secret friend after everything? He won't accept her friendship on FB (he isn't my friend either but still) and he doesn't really share anything about his life with her anymore...I'm curious why she would accept less now... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Ego, keep the fire alive, assuage guilt, social hack to facilitate orbiting, you name it. The motivations are as varied as people who pursue such lines of interaction. With MW's, IME it turned out to be a social hack to hoover more attention without the auspices of a socially derogatory act like an affair. This is probably why the successful men went for PA's because, that way, regardless of how it went down, they got their pound of, well, flesh. In retrospect, I can see the value of that. Then they'd move on to the next one. No ambiguities like friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 from my experience? people in general (not just in an A... but after a "normal" break - up, too) want to stay friends when they're still not ready to completely get rid of that person, when they still have feelings for that person, when they keep the hope alive and when they really didn't want the relationship to end in the 1st place. it's impossible to go from a relationship to just friendship if the romantic feelings were intense and real, i firmly believe this. in order to get over someone - you have to take a major step back and once you do? it's hard to take that step back in, even if it's just for a friendship because you're simply over it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Thank you for all the replies. My H was the one who ended the A but also was the one to suggest a frienship between them. He told her she could still call and text him even after I wanted the friendship to end. I thought at the time, he was just being nice, softening the blow, letting her down easy. But it has been almost 6 months since he ended it and they still chat. Of course they chat ALOT less than before and it's not emotionally or anything. I wondered why she would accept being his secret friend after everything? He won't accept her friendship on FB (he isn't my friend either but still) and he doesn't really share anything about his life with her anymore...I'm curious why she would accept less now... I am sorry but I wouldn't accept that if I were you. Those "innocent" messages may be in fact, code or an attempt to keep things going until they feel safe to resume. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 When I ended it in the beginning he asked if we could still maintain the working/friend relationship for work. We had worked together for 11 years with a good work relationship well before anything happened between us, so I figured we would/could fall back into that. And I really thought I could. Everything was fine and going back to normal (work only) for about 2-3 weeks until he couldn't handle it anymore and wanted more again. So no you can't be friends once you cross that line. I think I would have been fine, if he had just been able to keep it just to work but he never could once we crossed that line. When I called him on the things he was doing to try and pull me back in he would only say "I know, I'm sorry but I'm trying." Then he would be good for a bit but would start back up. So again - no no no friendship. I don't care what anyone says. It never works out that way even with our best intentions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 She does it because it means he's still participating. He's still thinking of her on some level. Why do you allow it without leaving him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I think she is still trying to salvage a piece of what they had in the A. I'm sure it hurts her but as you will read on this board, we kind of get used to tolerating pain. YES, I know that sounds stupi but it is true. In my A, he felt horribly guilty as he knew he had did a lot of cultivating, future faking, so when he finally had to admit they were all lies he offered me a friendship so, in my opinion , he could make himself feel better. I took it for a while, not wanting to go cold turkey, I loved him, my heart was broken so at the time I felt like a tiny bit light was better than the full blown darkness I had been cast into. If that makes sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Ego, keep the fire alive, assuage guilt, social hack to facilitate orbiting, you name it. The motivations are as varied as people who pursue such lines of interaction. With MW's, IME it turned out to be a social hack to hoover more attention without the auspices of a socially derogatory act like an affair. This is probably why the successful men went for PA's because, that way, regardless of how it went down, they got their pound of, well, flesh. In retrospect, I can see the value of that. Then they'd move on to the next one. No ambiguities like friends. Thank you. Ok I want to make sure I understand...are you saying that a MM for example will only pursue a friendship if he didn't get what he wanted from the situation in the first place? Such as an EA that didn't lead into a PA? So in a way, he lost or didn't get the ultimate prize so he settles for something else? But men who go for PA, are able to let go of the idea of friendship because they got what they wanted (PA) and can easliy move on to the next? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 By successful men, I'm referring to OM's who have PA's with MW's. They could be married and could be single. IME, most were single, this due to the disparity of men vs women in my demographic, hence the single guys were having affairs with married women. That's a bit different from a MM having A's with single OW's, relevant to the friendship aspects. It's a different power dynamic. Here's tidbit I learned (probably common sense) from A's - Choice = power. When someone terminates, they lose power. Keeping the person on-board as a 'friend' maintains their choices and power base. Social politics are huge in affairs. IME, there are the true pros and there are the pretenders and there are the clueless. I graduated from clueless to pretender back in my 20's. Watching the pros go at it reinforced this perspective. You'll probably get better insight from a pro, TBH. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 There is no reason to be friends after a family devastating affair save one - to keep the connection going on some level. A WS who truly understood their BS' pain would never suggest or attempt it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 I am sorry but I wouldn't accept that if I were you. Those "innocent" messages may be in fact, code or an attempt to keep things going until they feel safe to resume. I know I shouldn't accept but I do think the messages are innocent and aren't code for something. I know this is the only way they are messaging, I know they are not meeting up or talking on the phone. Just please trust me on the fact that I do know this. She tried to request his friendship again and he ignored the request (didn't decline, just let it sit there), when she brought up the fact he ignored it, he didn't acknowldege that and changed the subject. She had mentioned at one time she would be travelling to an office that I know is closer to him but he didn't make any comment about meeting up, seeing her or anything and the messages after prove he didn't. He just chats with her. I do believe at this point he does NOT want anything more with her other than this meaningless chatting... Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Confused: it seems to me by the texts you are describing it might be her trying to hang on and he is just being "polite" if you will. Now mind you I am an XOW so I am a little jaded but I think he kind of likes her still " liking" him. She is throwing the offers out there to see if he'll still bite but he isn't BUT he is definitly getting something out of it or he would break it off completly knowing she CAN'T be just his friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Confused: it seems to me by the texts you are describing it might be her trying to hang on and he is just being "polite" if you will. Now mind you I am an XOW so I am a little jaded but I think he kind of likes her still " liking" him. She is throwing the offers out there to see if he'll still bite but he isn't BUT he is definitly getting something out of it or he would break it off completly knowing she CAN'T be just his friend. Thank you for your insight Cinnimon. That's what I thought at first until he started seeking her out for messaging, wanting to know what is going on in HER life, while sharing very little about his. He even wanted to know if she did anything for Valentine's Day ( that threw me off). Even though he won't friend her on FB, he did tell her she can add him on instagram. Then after she mentioned to him about ignoring the friend request and she admitted she wanted to take a quick look at his page, he sends her a recent photo of himself she didn't ask for (just a regular everyday picture). I was confused by all that. She complimented him but he never said thanks...so maybe he is just using her for attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 First and foremost I am so sorry you are having to ask these questions and for what you have gone thru. I know coming from me, that probably doesn't mean much but I am truly sorry for your pain. No one can truly know what your H's true intentions are but him. And you know the situation more than any of us. But in my situation we have tried to be 'just friends' a few times. Once when I ended it in the beginning and a few times since - it never works. Period. Even when he changed jobs 3 years ago, I vowed to let it go completely and I figured he would move on and it would be done. It wasn't - he reached out within a month after leaving. I would reply to his emails and kept it completely professional when it was work related (out companies do business together) and outside of that the emails were friendly (anyone looking in would have thought we were just friends and nothing had ever happened). We never talked about 'us' or even what had occurred. This went on for 4-5 months. He was the one who reached out via email the most. Some months we would only email once/twice every 2-3 weeks. To me, I figured we were completely done with all of it. Once he settled into the new job, he then asked me to lunch. Big mistake. I should have known better. But as stupid as this now sounds, I really thought it was over and being away from each other for 6 months was the nail in that coffin. I was so very wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I know I shouldn't accept but I do think the messages are innocent and aren't code for something. I know this is the only way they are messaging, I know they are not meeting up or talking on the phone. Just please trust me on the fact that I do know this. She tried to request his friendship again and he ignored the request (didn't decline, just let it sit there), when she brought up the fact he ignored it, he didn't acknowldege that and changed the subject. She had mentioned at one time she would be travelling to an office that I know is closer to him but he didn't make any comment about meeting up, seeing her or anything and the messages after prove he didn't. He just chats with her. I do believe at this point he does NOT want anything more with her other than this meaningless chatting... He may have another phone/laptop which they use to properly communicate, he and she may know you are snooping and are deliberately throwing you off the scent... You cannot possibly know what he and she get up to, unless you have him caged up 24/7. This man cheated on you whilst you were dating and gave you an STD, he cheated on you again 2 weeks before the wedding day 3 years ago and you think he may have cheated twice since, and then this girl who had an A with, is now just a "friend". I seriously doubt she is just a friend, he has history here, he is not some naive person who happened to cheat one lustful, drunken night, he is a serial cheater. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Confused : I'm sorry to say it but it does seem like he is still dangling the carrot and she of course is swiping at it as it swings. After being put into " friendship " mode by XMM , he used to ask about my life, send me pics of himself. I believe now it was because he didn't want me to lose my " wanting " him and also so he could gage if I were moving on or not. By him asking her about Valentines, he accomplished two things, making her feel like he still cared and finding out if she had been out on a date (moving on). The photos, well when I was with XMM , I valued his pics very much because it was like he had sent me a gift of himself and he knew I loved getting them. In friendship mode, I felt like he was doing it to keep me thinking of him , kind of like he didn't want out of sight out of mind to happen. The FB thing is just odd to me but, A are just odd all the way around. I'm so sorry you are having to dissect all of this, it's mind consuming to say the LEAST. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Does he know you see all these messages yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Does he know you see all these messages yet? No he doesn't. I want to find more incriminating evidence to confront him with but it's just been this meaningless stuff for months now... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 No he doesn't. I want to find more incriminating evidence to confront him with but it's just been this meaningless stuff for months now... Why do you need to confront him with anything, he already knows he cheated on you multiple times and so do you. By keeping speaking to this girl, he is rubbing your nose in it. You don't need to prove it to him, you only need to prove it to you 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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