When the affair ends why do they try to be friends?

[road]

In most breakups, I believe it's a way to soften the blow. After an affair, it may also be an attempt to prevent angry disclosure.

 

 

 

 

All that and keep the AP close so that if so desired the affair can be restarted.

[confusedwife1981]

Confused : I'm sorry to say it but it does seem like he is still dangling the carrot and she of course is swiping at it as it swings.

After being put into " friendship " mode by XMM , he used to ask about my life, send me pics of himself. I believe now it was because he didn't want me to lose my " wanting " him and also so he could gage if I were moving on or not.

By him asking her about Valentines, he accomplished two things, making her feel like he still cared and finding out if she had been out on a date (moving on). The photos, well when I was with XMM , I valued his pics very much because it was like he had sent me a gift of himself and he knew I loved getting them. In friendship mode, I felt like he was doing it to keep me thinking of him , kind of like he didn't want out of sight out of mind to happen. The FB thing is just odd to me but, A are just odd all the way around.

I'm so sorry you are having to dissect all of this, it's mind consuming to say the LEAST.

 

Well about the FB thing, that's how I tracked her down in the first place. He unfriended her to hide her from me (he had already let her name slip) and I had threatened to find her and confront her. What he told her was that he unfriended her to keep the drama (me) away from her. He wasn't aware that I had already found her waaaay before I confronted him so he basically told on himself when he mentioned her to me. I sent her messages and friend requests and she freaked out and told him. He told me to leave her alone and to leave her out of our bullsh*t.

 

Even though we are not friends on facebook, I can see his friends list and who he friends even without snooping, he knows because he told her that before. So this could be a reason why he won't accept her request.

[confusedwife1981]

Why do you need to confront him with anything, he already knows he cheated on you multiple times and so do you.

By keeping speaking to this girl, he is rubbing your nose in it.

You don't need to prove it to him, you only need to prove it to you

 

Thank you for responding. it is very difficult to find people in my everyday life to discuss this stuff with so I appreciate all the responses.

 

I'm confused on him rubbing my nose in it, if he is trying so hard to keep her a secret and has no idea I have seen his messages? If he knew, he would change that password ASAP

[confusedwife1981]

First and foremost I am so sorry you are having to ask these questions and for what you have gone thru. I know coming from me, that probably doesn't mean much but I am truly sorry for your pain.

 

No one can truly know what your H's true intentions are but him. And you know the situation more than any of us. But in my situation we have tried to be 'just friends' a few times. Once when I ended it in the beginning and a few times since - it never works. Period. Even when he changed jobs 3 years ago, I vowed to let it go completely and I figured he would move on and it would be done. It wasn't - he reached out within a month after leaving. I would reply to his emails and kept it completely professional when it was work related (out companies do business together) and outside of that the emails were friendly (anyone looking in would have thought we were just friends and nothing had ever happened). We never talked about 'us' or even what had occurred. This went on for 4-5 months. He was the one who reached out via email the most. Some months we would only email once/twice every 2-3 weeks. To me, I figured we were completely done with all of it. Once he settled into the new job, he then asked me to lunch. Big mistake. I should have known better. But as stupid as this now sounds, I really thought it was over and being away from each other for 6 months was the nail in that coffin. I was so very wrong.

 

Blu,

 

It means alot to me that you have empathy for me and my sitaution. A kind word is still a kind word no matter the past of the person speaking it. I appreciate all views on this and I do not see OW as an evil person who's thoughts and feelings mean nothing because of her position in all this.

 

So thank you

[sunburned]

Well about the FB thing, that's how I tracked her down in the first place. He unfriended her to hide her from me (he had already let her name slip) and I had threatened to find her and confront her. What he told her was that he unfriended her to keep the drama (me) away from her. He wasn't aware that I had already found her waaaay before I confronted him so he basically told on himself when he mentioned her to me. I sent her messages and friend requests and she freaked out and told him. He told me to leave her alone and to leave her out of our bullsh*t.

 

Even though we are not friends on facebook, I can see his friends list and who he friends even without snooping, he knows because he told her that before. So this could be a reason why he won't accept her request.

 

Why on earth aren't you friends with H on FB?? That's not good.

[Ruffian1]

Not to thread jack but..

 

 

"Here's tidbit I learned (probably common sense) from A's - Choice = power. When someone terminates, they lose power. Keeping the person on-board as a 'friend' maintains their choices and power base. Social politics are huge in affairs. IME, there are the true pros and there are the pretenders and there are the clueless. I graduated from clueless to pretender back in my 20's. Watching the pros go at it reinforced this perspective."

 

 

I find this thought interesting, Carhill could you tell us more?

 

 

What do you mean by pretender, pros and clueless?

[Bittersweetie]

After my xMM told me he was ending our relationship, he asked if we could be "special friends." I wondered what that meant.

 

That meant that a week or so later, he wanted me to come over to his house and sleep with him.

 

So to me, being "friends" meant keeping me around as an option.

[Southern Sun]

Our breakup was mutual, so no dumper/dumpee guilt. However, I think my xMM wanted the benefits of the friendship (aka EA) without the guilt of a PA. I recognized pretty quickly that this didn't work very well for me. It didn't work for him either, but he didn't have the same consequences as me.

 

It was truly impossible to walk to the line. The fact is, we were no longer 'just friends.' We always ultimately crossed the line again. In order to heal (and in order for to me to completely recommit to my marriage), we are in total, complete, dark no contact. He managed to break through once, but the walls are back up again. That breach showed me once again that, nope, I cannot be his 'friend' and he cannot be mine.

 

Got to move on.

[Grapesofwrath]

 

Here's tidbit I learned (probably common sense) from A's - Choice = power. When someone terminates, they lose power. Keeping the person on-board as a 'friend' maintains their choices and power base. Social politics are huge in affairs. IME, there are the true pros and there are the pretenders and there are the clueless. I graduated from clueless to pretender back in my 20's. Watching the pros go at it reinforced this perspective.

You'll probably get better insight from a pro, TBH.

 

Carhill: Can you explain the difference between clueless, pretender, and pro? I'm intrigued.

[Eagle's-bargain]

I see this alot all over this board and the infidelty board. I would really like to understand.

 

It seems like whenever an affair ends one of the AP's or both always suggest to be friends afterwards. But it is not friendship in the true sense of the word, it's more like a secret friendship. What does a person get out of being someone's secret friend that other people and friends can't know about? How can a person be satisfied with so much less than they were getting?

 

I imagine it would be a major blow to the self esteem to realize that you are the secret friend that can never do what other real friends can, you are the one left out and clueless, you are the one that has no idea about them or their life anymore...

 

I can understand the person who suggests the friendship after the affair ends...they are most likely being selfish or feeling guilty...but for the person who maybe didn't want it to end and is being offered this sh*tty "frienship" in exchange...why accept that?

 

To the OP. I was the other single man (who believed the MW had chosen to leave her BS for me). A lot of missing history to my story here on LS, but it doesn't matter.

 

Here's the actually dialog from then,

 

Her: it sucks that we can't be friends

me: Actually it's better we can't be friends.

--Because now that I feel the way I do about you, I wouldn't want to go back.

-Unlike you have no regrets feeling the way I feel.

-Keep meditating.

-eep going to counseling.

Her: I wish we could be friends who are in love?

-lol

me: Isn't that what we are now?

Her: pretty much

me: I hope you try sky diving someday

Because you don't get to "half-way" skydive.

-It's either 100% or you don't.

-I like that idea a lot.

-Like our circumstances, there is no "half-way"

[...]

Her: are you angry with me?

me: [...]

-No why?

-Why should I be angry?

[REDACTED]

Her: you should realize that I'm thinking about my future...

 

***

Her final dialog is as follows.

 

It really sucks that there is no "half way"...

 

And my reply,

 

I don't want a half-way.

And I don't think it sucks there is no "half way". I'm happy there isn't.

To me it's terrible when one loves another, and the other does not.

 

I don't want half of you, parts, and I don't want to give only half of myself.[...]

 

 

 

That was it.

Anyone reading this should understand the difference between half-way and all the way.

 

No one buys a car with 6 gears on a manual transmission only use 3.

 

I tried. I was in the wrong. I wanted to be with a woman who barely loved herself. If anyone reads this and is about to be unfaithful or wants to sleep with a married man or woman, don't. Don't don't don't. Wait. And don't.

 

The shame, remorse, and other feelings will come to you. Some people are psychopaths, in the sense that they don't feel. They don't know how to empathize. Some people are human, I'm sure the woman I loved was too. But at the end of the day, even if she "loves her man". Nothing takes away what she did AND said! Nothing will take away way you did or want to do. So don't do it. Wait and read more posts here and under infidelity. If this doesn't hurt/break your heart, go get evaluated for being a psychopath*

 

This woman was gauging the pros and cons of being in her marriage, much more complicated when citizenship is involved, than just money. Or maybe that was it too. Even then. I thought about how I felt and my feelings called the bluff. I don't doubt she's confused and troubled, but even then it makes her a whore to her husband and her actions (and my choice) has made me a whore too. Did I make a mistake? I don't really know.

Did she? Yes. But did she side with the mistake or did she move to correct it, I don't know. And frankly, right now, it's none of my FOULing business.

 

 

* not in the crazy murderer sense

Edited April 3, 2015 by Eagle's-bargain

[beach]

He keeps communicating with her because he can.

 

Because it strokes his ego. He's also making sure she hasn't started dating anyone new (the Valentine's question).

 

That way he keeps her as plan B in case it doesn't work out with you.

 

 

But meanwhile he's ruining the chance with you by communicating with her (ongoing betrayal to you). He's also willing to continue disrespecting you as long as he thinks you don't know...

 

 

It's pretty crappy of him!

[cocorico]

I see this alot all over this board and the infidelty board. I would really like to understand.

 

It seems like whenever an affair ends one of the AP's or both always suggest to be friends afterwards. But it is not friendship in the true sense of the word, it's more like a secret friendship. What does a person get out of being someone's secret friend that other people and friends can't know about? How can a person be satisfied with so much less than they were getting?

 

I imagine it would be a major blow to the self esteem to realize that you are the secret friend that can never do what other real friends can, you are the one left out and clueless, you are the one that has no idea about them or their life anymore...

 

I can understand the person who suggests the friendship after the affair ends...they are most likely being selfish or feeling guilty...but for the person who maybe didn't want it to end and is being offered this sh*tty "frienship" in exchange...why accept that?

 

I suppose the OW offers the MM "friendship" after she dumps him because she feels sorry for him, still trapped in his sucky M.

[cocorico]

Why on earth aren't you friends with H on FB?? That's not good.

 

My H was also not friends with his xW on FB while they were still M.

[carhill]

Not to thread jack but..

 

 

"Here's tidbit I learned (probably common sense) from A's - Choice = power. When someone terminates, they lose power. Keeping the person on-board as a 'friend' maintains their choices and power base. Social politics are huge in affairs. IME, there are the true pros and there are the pretenders and there are the clueless. I graduated from clueless to pretender back in my 20's. Watching the pros go at it reinforced this perspective."

 

 

I find this thought interesting, Carhill could you tell us more?

 

 

What do you mean by pretender, pros and clueless?

 

Power refers to the usual parameters of supply and demand. A married person involved in affairs has demand from multiple sources and is in short supply, being singular. As each source of demand self-selects out, or is terminated, demand lessens and, with it, perception of supply being scarce and valuable. Relationship pros, not just those in affairs, understand this instinctively and use it to maintain social power. In that, I'm speaking to the wider scope, not just a marriage or intimate relationship, but also relationships in general. Social power and social popularity is huge in groups and, by extension, society at large. This is why socially powerful people can have open affairs or have hidden affairs discovered and still maintain their power base; they have sufficient demand for their scarce supply to weather loss of demand.

 

Regarding the labels, in my version, clueless is someone who has never been exposed to affairs and knows little to nothing about their dynamics, nor little about the subset of social power dynamics which apply, like supply and demand. Pretender is someone who's been exposed, thinks they know a bit and feels they can compete in the marketplace. A pro is a successful person in the affair marketplace, a man or woman who can successfully have affairs, influence people, maintain social standing or improve it and generally use affairs as a social tool in their life toolbox. To them, it's like breathing.

 

The 'we're all adults here' and 'let's be friends' social hacks are something a good pretender might try with variable success/failure but a true pro can pull off consistently with generally positive results, meaning they get exactly what they want from the mark at the time, and what they want varies from person to person. A man might merely wish to keep the emotional fires burning to return for a sexual snack later on. A woman might be getting the attention she needs from her spouse again due to the competition so she placeholder's the guy to hoover some attention down the road or place him on her ladder of replacement spouses or boyfriends. This kind of methodical and somewhat dispassionate handling of other humans is, IMO, more applicable to the realm of the pro.

 

I ran up against some real pro MW's in my life and, TBH, in retrospect, they let me down easy compared to what they could have done to me and I believe it was because they sensed my ineptness and didn't wish to brutalize a lesser, rather saved that for a fellow pro.

 

What the spouse here does is unknown. Sure, there could be all kinds of altruistic emotions and motives assigned and, yep, people lubricate the skids of social interaction with them every day. As a lifetime of dealing with has taught me, time reveals all truths. The truth I learned over time was that the MW's, for awhile, liked that I was their friend, or loved them. Actions. Great stuff. Life is full of it.

[No Limit]

Because a continued emotional affair still holds promise for the occassional ONS.

[Lion Heart]

I imagine it would be a major blow to the self esteem to realize that you are the WIFE that can never do what other WIVES can, you are the one left out and clueless, you are the one that has no idea about them or their life anymore...

 

Confused,

This is how I felt when I read your post.

Maybe that's why we're both so confused.

That's a CERTAIN kind of partner.

It probably goes both ways. :-(

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

No he doesn't. I want to find more incriminating evidence to confront him with but it's just been this meaningless stuff for months now...

 

THIS ^^^^^ IS INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE.

Your WH contacts his OW!

NO confused wife. Not good enough.

 

NC NC NC means NO CONTACT BY ANY MEANS WHATSOEVER.

 

Obviously they are both keeping the relationship on SOME level when this is plainly not good enough.

 

You need to stand up to your WH who is still communicating with his AP.

 

Don't ALARM bells go off??

 

Lion Heart.

[dichotomy]

My wife (and then GF/Fiancee') had been a involved with a MM in a PA for a long while before meeting me. After meeting me she changed or downshifted to a just a EA and friendship in secrete with this OM/MM.

 

Why did she remain friends (EA) with him in secrete? - 1) Could not let go that easy 2) keep the emotional connection as there were unhealthy needs this OM provided her. 3) Frankly also I think as back up plan for a while

 

Why did he (OM/MM) remain "just friends" in secrete ? only ONE answer 1) In hopes of resuming the sex. he did not understand why she stopped that part with me before or after the marriage to me, and kept trying to restart it it the whole time they remained in contact.

Edited April 7, 2015 by dichotomy