Husband back on social media

[Lilac33]

So dday was over 6 months ago. And since then he cut of communication with her of course to appease me I do not give him enough credit he would have done it on his own without all the commotion. So just recently he went back on fb, I don't have an account, and they used to be linked on there and again the OW severed ties with him on there not him. Although I can see they are not friends is he looking at her stuff?? Does he miss her?? He did not block her. And is this yet another sign this makeup was a farse until I calmed down and he will go back to his cheating ways with her or someone else. Or am I just paranoid forever and it has nothing to do with her.

Advice please

[Mrs. John Adams]

Open your own account...friend all of his friends.

 

You will then see everything he sees.

 

Do you have his password to his account? If you don't....ask for it. You should be able to access his account.

 

Go to his settings and block her if he hasn't. If it upsets him...he has some explaining to do.

 

My husband and I share passwords to everything...

[purplesorrow]

Have you asked him any of these questions?

[Lilac33]

I know this will sound horrible but what's the point of asking won't he just lie some more he is not going to admit he thinks of her. Also I feel like maybe I can get him to reluctantly give his pw or demand block but again that would not be the same as him doing it on his own. I'm just trying to see if he cares on his own or if he will just continue to take advantage of the situation if Im passive. I don't know in a weird way it's like if he does risk talking to her then at least I have some answers to my life but if I force him I'll still be in this limbo...well he did what I want so I matter

[purplesorrow]

Are you reconciling or just staying married? His attitude and actions sound like the latter.

[whichwayisup]

I know this will sound horrible but what's the point of asking won't he just lie some more he is not going to admit he thinks of her. Also I feel like maybe I can get him to reluctantly give his pw or demand block but again that would not be the same as him doing it on his own. I'm just trying to see if he cares on his own or if he will just continue to take advantage of the situation if Im passive. I don't know in a weird way it's like if he does risk talking to her then at least I have some answers to my life but if I force him I'll still be in this limbo...well he did what I want so I matter

 

You tell him that if they are in contact again and you find out, then you'll file fo divorce and you're done. Stand up to him! If he isn't investing in fixing himself and fixing the marriage with you, then what's the point of even trying?

 

Talk to him, be honest - NOT passive. Tell him to be an open book with you and allow you access to his fb. If he has nothing to hide it won't be a big deal to him at all, he'll gladly do this for his own benefit as well as yours.

[No Limit]

I know this will sound horrible but what's the point of asking won't he just lie some more he is not going to admit he thinks of her. Also I feel like maybe I can get him to reluctantly give his pw or demand block but again that would not be the same as him doing it on his own. I'm just trying to see if he cares on his own or if he will just continue to take advantage of the situation if Im passive. I don't know in a weird way it's like if he does risk talking to her then at least I have some answers to my life but if I force him I'll still be in this limbo...well he did what I want so I matter

 

Why aren't you filing for divorce? Of course he'll lie if you ask him about it. If you want 100% closure you cuold get a polygraph and question him, his refusal would also speak volumes of where his head is.

[Cali408]

Tell him to get off Facebook. What's the point? Nothing good including temptation comes from it. If he needs to, he can use yours.

 

Social media has made it so hard to get over people and it continues the obsession and pain.

 

I've been Facebook free for 4 years.

[jnel921]

First of all I am sorry that you were hurt by your H. Secondly I'd like to say that you both made a choice to R. R is not pacifying the other person out of guilt. It is a conscious effort from both people to work on the M. Your H needed to be remorseful and willing to sever all ties and you needed to work on forgiveness.

 

Sounds like he is still up to old tricks. Way back when I wrote a post about FB and how it was trouble. It caused initial problems within my M and ultimately cheated.

 

That was 2 and half years ago. I decided to give him a chance as hard as that was for me. But had he pulled a stunt that would have taken me back to that terrible place then all bets are off.

 

Your H is betraying your trust just by needing to be on FB. If he knew this was an issue why do it again. By the way there is no waiting for me to get over it to do it again. Seriously what are you saying. WS need to be on their toes at all time and kiss our feet often just for staying.

 

You have a choice. You shouldn't stay with anyone whose attention and focus is not on you.

 

Good Luck

[BetrayedH]

I know this will sound horrible but what's the point of asking won't he just lie some more he is not going to admit he thinks of her. Also I feel like maybe I can get him to reluctantly give his pw or demand block but again that would not be the same as him doing it on his own. I'm just trying to see if he cares on his own or if he will just continue to take advantage of the situation if Im passive. I don't know in a weird way it's like if he does risk talking to her then at least I have some answers to my life but if I force him I'll still be in this limbo...well he did what I want so I matter

 

Sorry, I haven't read the rest of the thread but you are right on the money here. Do not confront him. Do not ask. Do not block anything or anyone. Play stupid and compliant.

 

FIND OUT THE TRUTH. Give him all of the rope.

 

I absolutely loved your use of the word, "commotion." Lots and lots of wayward spouses feign remorse until all of the commotion dies down. But they're not truly remorseful.

 

I think "true remorse" is a major test when it comes to deciding if you should even try to reconcile with a wayward. If he's searching her pages, do you think he's truly remorseful?

 

I think a classic example of a truly remorseful wayward is one that has a drunken one-night stand and immediately confesses the next day; subsequently, they'll do anything to make up for what they've done and to make their spouse feel secure. I'm ok with reconciling with a wayward like that. Is that what you're dealing with? Or something else?

 

Sadly, in some cases it can take years to really know. How much patience you have for the process is entirely up to you.

[BetrayedH]

First of all I am sorry that you were hurt by your H. Secondly I'd like to say that you both made a choice to R. R is not pacifying the other person out of guilt. It is a conscious effort from both people to work on the M. Your H needed to be remorseful and willing to sever all ties and you needed to work on forgiveness.

 

Sounds like he is still up to old tricks. Way back when I wrote a post about FB and how it was trouble. It caused initial problems within my M and ultimately cheated.

 

That was 2 and half years ago. I decided to give him a chance as hard as that was for me. But had he pulled a stunt that would have taken me back to that terrible place then all bets are off.

 

Your H is betraying your trust just by needing to be on FB. If he knew this was an issue why do it again. By the way there is no waiting for me to get over it to do it again. Seriously what are you saying. WS need to be on their toes at all time and kiss our feet often just for staying.

 

You have a choice. You shouldn't stay with anyone whose attention and focus is not on you.

 

Good Luck

 

Quoted for truth.

[Lion Heart]

Open your own account...friend all of his friends.

 

You will then see everything he sees.

 

Do you have his password to his account? If you don't....ask for it. You should be able to access his account.

 

Go to his settings and block her if he hasn't. If it upsets him...he has some explaining to do.

 

My husband and I share passwords to everything...

 

Completely agree with Mrs Adams,

 

I can see you want to avoid a confrontation (yeah he probably would lie etc & you'd just be in a mess again).

 

I'd say chirpily, you know this Faceache thing is all the talk, I've joined up and we share all our friends. Isn't that great? It's really gonna help our reconciliation process to share EVERYTHING.

So I've "friended" all your "friends" then smile."

 

Sorry but people who have cheated been busted but WANT to continue on in their cheating ways have got to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that you've "got their number".

 

That's all I say to my WH in our shaky R. "I've got your number, I'm one step ahead of you now". Can't stand it. It's not a way to live your life or mine.

 

Hope you've got an exit plan.

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

I know this will sound horrible but what's the point of asking won't he just lie some more he is not going to admit he thinks of her. Also I feel like maybe I can get him to reluctantly give his pw or demand block but again that would not be the same as him doing it on his own. I'm just trying to see if he cares on his own or if he will just continue to take advantage of the situation if Im passive. I don't know in a weird way it's like if he does risk talking to her then at least I have some answers to my life but if I force him I'll still be in this limbo...well he did what I want so I matter

 

HE DOESNT SHARE HIS PASSWORD?????

 

WTF????

 

Right. You are being WAY WAY WAAAAAAAAY too permissive.

He's got you over a barrel.

 

The MINIMUM, BARE MINIMUM is that YOU have all his passwords to absolutely EVERYTHING!

 

Choose to be a doormat if you want to but you're just gonna get trodden all over if you don't stand up for the bare minimum.

 

1) complete NC in every possible way with the OW

2) GPS on his phone

3) you have passwords to absolutely everything

 

Get a bank account in your name only.

Get a well paying job.

 

The best thing a betrayed spouse can do in "R" is prepare.

 

This way if it does "work out" then you win either way.

Lion Heart.

[Lilac33]

Sorry, I haven't read the rest of the thread but you are right on the money here. Do not confront him. Do not ask. Do not block anything or anyone. Play stupid and compliant.

 

FIND OUT THE TRUTH. Give him all of the rope.

 

I absolutely loved your use of the word, "commotion." Lots and lots of wayward spouses feign remorse until all of the commotion dies down. But they're not truly remorseful.

 

I think "true remorse" is a major test when it comes to deciding if you should even try to reconcile with a wayward. If he's searching her pages, do you think he's truly remorseful?

 

I think a classic example of a truly remorseful wayward is one that has a drunken one-night stand and immediately confesses the next day; subsequently, they'll do anything to make up for what they've done and to make their spouse feel secure. I'm ok with reconciling with a wayward like that. Is that what you're dealing with? Or something else?

 

Sadly, in some cases it can take years to really know. How much patience you have for the process is entirely up to you.

 

Thanks for this I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say. I also believe true remorse may take some time to reveal if any, and yes it requires a lot of patience. I'm not trying to be a doormat but I also am not of he nature to make a decision super fast. Some days I fake it, some days I feel forgiveness, other days hate and rage. It's a bizzare process. And it may very well never be the same again but I'm just taking one day at a time to figure it out.

[Lilac33]

HE DOESNT SHARE HIS PASSWORD?????

 

WTF????

 

Right. You are being WAY WAY WAAAAAAAAY too permissive.

He's got you over a barrel.

 

The MINIMUM, BARE MINIMUM is that YOU have all his passwords to absolutely EVERYTHING!

 

Choose to be a doormat if you want to but you're just gonna get trodden all over if you don't stand up for the bare minimum.

 

1) complete NC in every possible way with the OW

2) GPS on his phone

3) you have passwords to absolutely everything

 

Get a bank account in your name only.

Get a well paying job.

 

The best thing a betrayed spouse can do in "R" is prepare.

 

This way if it does "work out" then you win either way.

Lion Heart.

 

 

Lionheart perhaps you're right I'm being too permissive. I Do agree in getting prepared and I'm trying to at least that while I be a little passive I'm my observation approach. I just don't feel like playing cop. It's exhausting to me with my children.

[Lilac33]

First of all I am sorry that you were hurt by your H. Secondly I'd like to say that you both made a choice to R. R is not pacifying the other person out of guilt. It is a conscious effort from both people to work on the M. Your H needed to be remorseful and willing to sever all ties and you needed to work on forgiveness.

 

Sounds like he is still up to old tricks. Way back when I wrote a post about FB and how it was trouble. It caused initial problems within my M and ultimately cheated.

 

That was 2 and half years ago. I decided to give him a chance as hard as that was for me. But had he pulled a stunt that would have taken me back to that terrible place then all bets are off.

 

Your H is betraying your trust just by needing to be on FB. If he knew this was an issue why do it again. By the way there is no waiting for me to get over it to do it again. Seriously what are you saying. WS need to be on their toes at all time and kiss our feet often just for staying.

 

You have a choice. You shouldn't stay with anyone whose attention and focus is not on you.

 

Good Luck

 

I'd like to read what you wrote about fb. It's interesting little tool...so much destruction. That's why it's been a huge trigger. Like you said what's the need for him to be on anyways right. He can give me some excuse like contacts or sharing pics of kids but let's face it there are other tools. Not to mention I don't have a account. But I also feel like if I demand closing it he can just create a account I don't know about. After all he had another email, another credit card that I didn't know about.

The thing is my H is soooo convincing he puts on the perfect H show and he is very sneaky and discreet in his lies so if anybody saw what's going on in the forefront they would say he's remorseful but I can't help think fb is one step back in the wrong direction.

[Lilac33]

Tell him to get off Facebook. What's the point? Nothing good including temptation comes from it. If he needs to, he can use yours.

 

Social media has made it so hard to get over people and it continues the obsession and pain.

 

I've been Facebook free for 4 years.

 

 

Cali I don't have one. Only he does. He is still linked to one of her cousins and a few mutual friends. Pisses me off. Some of my own family and friends suggested he may have not even noticed he still has them I kind of find it hard to believe.

[LifesontheUp]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but my take is your husband is still being disrespectful to you.

 

He doesn't need facebook. They caught up with each other on there and he goes back online to a place which he should know would be a problem to you If he doesn't know that he is a sack of s$$t.

 

I would give him the biggest of wake up calls. Tell him you've had enough and you want him gone. No respect means out the door. I know you don't want to make him do something he doesn't want, but get some of your control back. Remind him in no uncertain terms you will NOT put up with his disrespect.

[writergal]

It does seem like social media makes it easier for spouses to cheat, especially Facebook.

 

A recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 81 percent of divorce attorneys have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence during the past five years. More than 66 percent of those attorneys said the No. 1 site most often used as evidence is Facebook with its 400 million registered users.

 

Another recent survey by Divorce-Online.co.uk of more than 5,000 divorce petitions says Facebook is mentioned in about 20 percent of divorce cases.

 

Facebook a tool for infidelity?

 

"As everyone continues to share more and more aspects of their lives on social networking sites, they leave themselves open to much greater examinations of both their public and private lives in these sensitive situations," Marlene Eskind Moses, president of the AAML, said in a statement of the survey's results.

 

Savage, who says he has nothing against Facebook and uses it regularly to connect with childhood friends, told HLN's "Prime News" Wednesday that the networking site is simply "a tool for an affair."

 

He says that if there is trouble within a marriage or a relationship, "the affair's going to happen anyway," but Facebook "makes it much easier."

Edited April 4, 2015 by writergal

[writergal]

The thing is my H is soooo convincing he puts on the perfect H show and he is very sneaky and discreet in his lies so if anybody saw what's going on in the forefront they would say he's remorseful but I can't help think fb is one step back in the wrong direction.

 

So are you still together after DDay? I'm not clear about that from your posts.

 

This whole paragraph speaks to the kind of man that you are married to: someone who deceives the public (friends, family, coworkers, strangers) with little to no remorse about it, including to his own wife, behind closed doors in private. I've dated a cheater but he didn't want to marry me (thank my lucky stars in hindsight), so I know what you are going through. My ex-bf was exactly the same way in public as your husband is; very sneaky and put on a great show.

 

At my cousin's wedding, he excused himself in the middle of dinner to leave the reception hall to take a phone call. Then on NYE when we were out with another couple for dinner, he constantly kept texting his phone underneath the table. I later found out that both times he was texting "her," the woman he had an affair with during his first marriage, whom he worked with, whom he cheated on me with along with a string of other girlfriends after his divorce, before he met me. After we ended, he married his affair partner.

 

My point with sharing my story is that no one should ever trust a cheating spouse, despite their claims of remorse and changed ways. Scientists have discovered an infidelity gene that makes some people more sexually promiscuous than others aka "the cheating gene." Those who claim that our genes don't dictate our behavior, need to hit the evolutionary textbooks to see that yes, in fact, our genes DO dictate our behavior.

 

I'm sorry that your husband is such a louse, OP. Even if you confront him about contacting his AP on Facebook, he'll most likely just gaslight you, to make you feel guilty for not trusting him, to deflect from the truth, which is that he doesn't care about your feelings and just wants to continue to cheat on you. Because he is a man of two-faces (everything is GREAT to the public, but privately he treats you like you don't matter), he can't be trusted. There are so many social media platforms other than Facebook that he can use to contact his AP, too. So even if he shuts down his FB page (which I doubt he'd do), he'd just find another way to contact his AP if he wants to continue to cheat.

[BlackHat]

Do you have his password to his account? If you don't....ask for it. You should be able to access his account.

 

Tell him to be an open book with you and allow you access to his fb. If he has nothing to hide it won't be a big deal to him at all, he'll gladly do this for his own benefit as well as yours.

 

If you want 100% closure you cuold get a polygraph and question him, his refusal would also speak volumes of where his head is.

 

Tell him to get off Facebook. What's the point? Nothing good including temptation comes from it. If he needs to, he can use yours.

 

Allowances, open accounts, a polygraph...Jesus H Christ, aren't we going a bit over the roof here?

 

IMHO, cheating should never be forgiven, because the vast majority of cheaters will cheat again (if you don't believe me read the stories here and notice how divorce never comes after one single cheat).

 

However, if you choose to forgive and forget, or forgive and not forget, the only way to set the foundation for recovery is to trust again. Or, like BetrayedH put it so brilliantly in his post, give him rope.

 

The one thing I agree on with everybody else is that, if he has his own Facebook, I'd say there is something going on. But here is the deal, he can have multiple accounts.

 

One of the first lessons a caught cheater learns is to keep private things separate. I have done such in the past; share all FB, email, etc...passwords with my partner, and then go get new accounts. At the end of the day, cheating is like robbery. If they really want to do it, they will find the way. And you will lower your guard because you think you have all his passwords.

 

My advice for you is simple. Either divorce him and move on (my recommended choice), or trust him again without conditions, but obviously if he does it again leave him.

 

You need to think about yourself, too. Would you be happy in a relationship where you run behind him double checking his movements, looking at his accounts, and assuming that he is cheating the next time he has a flat tire and comes late from work?

 

I think, and I may be wrong here (who knows what women wants? ) that maybe, above all, what you want is to be happy in your relationship again, right? If that's the case, the only way to be happy in a relationship is to trust each other. I am not saying that you must trust your husband, but that you must trust whoever you are with. If you cannot trust your husband, then find someone you can trust.

 

I am a cheater. Always been, and most likely always will be, but I also know right from wrong. I understand that the advices given above are foolproof ways to attempt not to be fooled again, but the point is that someone who has been cheated is not a fool and has never been fooled.

 

If a car hits you from behind, is that your fault? Of course not! You have done everything right. You drove within the speed limits, your car was in perfect condition, you followed all the rules, and yet some fool hit you from behind. What are you going to do to prevent this from happening again? Are you going to install sirens in your car? Are you going to live in fear of the next accident? You, and I mean both the OP and the ones giving this "emotional warfare" advice, may not see it, but you are punishing yourselves by creating a world of mistrust and vengeance.

 

As a cheater, the worst that you could do to me is to leave me, and even then I may not care. Maybe some cheaters do care, so act likewise. But don't go "holy war" on us IF that means killing yourself in the process. Haven't you suffered enough already?

 

Dump him, clean his bank account, get the best lawyer so he pays you alimony and go homeless. All fine and good if that's what you need to feel happy, but don't waste your time in an inquisition against him because its not worth of your time. Either embrace him with trust, or leave him.

 

This is just my two cents and personal opinion, nothing else.

[BlackHat]

I'd like to read what you wrote about fb. It's interesting little tool...so much destruction.

 

FB is like guns. FB allows people to show themselves as the truly are.

 

Then again, I have never seen a gun killing anyone by itself.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for this I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say. I also believe true remorse may take some time to reveal if any, and yes it requires a lot of patience. I'm not trying to be a doormat but I also am not of he nature to make a decision super fast. Some days I fake it, some days I feel forgiveness, other days hate and rage. It's a bizzare process. And it may very well never be the same again but I'm just taking one day at a time to figure it out.

 

Fair enough. I was certainly on the fence for quite a while. What a gawd-awful decision it is.

 

Just be wary that your "taking one day at a time" approach doesn't just turn into analysis paralysis. That ends up being a decision to stay, just by default.

 

I'd suggest you figure out your dealbreakers. If true remorse is a requirement, does searching for her online demonstrate true remorse to you? To me, that speaks to nostalgia over the affair partner. And frankly, that the best case in that scenario. If he's nostalgic over the affair, does that speak to true remorse to you? And if that's a requirement, why aren't you enforcing it?

 

Unfortunately, I think that a lot of our decisions to stay are really rooted in fear, rather than in some actual good reason to stay. Or we try to have "hope" that they'll change or that they're someone other than that person that had the affair. Sadly, I think most of the time they've already shown you who they are. We're just not good at accepting it. We wish it was another way when it isn't.

[BetrayedH]

Lionheart perhaps you're right I'm being too permissive. I Do agree in getting prepared and I'm trying to at least that while I be a little passive I'm my observation approach. I just don't feel like playing cop. It's exhausting to me with my children.

 

I had to know the truth so I could make an informed decision. The lies made that damn near impossible. I fully support quietly investigating using whatever methods you can. "Playing cop" is exhausting but how else are you to know that you're making a wise decision?

 

Interestingly enough, investigating can actually also help a reconciliation. When you investigate and find nothing, you both win.

[sandylee1]

Cali I don't have one. Only he does. He is still linked to one of her cousins and a few mutual friends. Pisses me off. Some of my own family and friends suggested he may have not even noticed he still has them I kind of find it hard to believe.

 

Are you in MC?

What does your H do to make you feel safe?

 

These are some things that a WS should do for a successful reconciliation.

 

He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.

 

He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.

 

He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.

 

He must feel your pain.

 

He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.

 

He must accept full responsibility for his actions.

 

He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.

 

He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.

 

He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.

 

He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.

 

He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

 

He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.

 

He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.He must be willing to seek counseling.

 

He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex.