Realist3 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 So dday was over 6 months ago. And since then he cut of communication with her of course to appease me I do not give him enough credit he would have done it on his own without all the commotion. So just recently he went back on fb, I don't have an account, and they used to be linked on there and again the OW severed ties with him on there not him. Although I can see they are not friends is he looking at her stuff?? Does he miss her?? He did not block her. And is this yet another sign this makeup was a farse until I calmed down and he will go back to his cheating ways with her or someone else. Or am I just paranoid forever and it has nothing to do with her. Advice please The only person that really knows is your H. Social media is a fact of life these days. Is he looking at her stuff? Probably not. Most smart people only allow 'friends' to read/see their stuff. If he he is not friends with her he would only see what she makes public. Create you own account and see what you can see of hers; that is what he would see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Open your own account...friend all of his friends. You will then see everything he sees. Do you have his password to his account? If you don't....ask for it. You should be able to access his account. Go to his settings and block her if he hasn't. If it upsets him...he has some explaining to do. My husband and I share passwords to everything... Wow! I'm glad I don't have to live like this! If I couldn't trust my H, why would I want to be with him? And... Friending someone is not unilateral. You can only friend request them. It is up to them whether or not they accept. I don't accept requests from anyone I don't know - and that includes spouses of friends, unless they are also friends. I suspect many people are the same. And if I suddenly saw a friend's spouse trying to friend up all of their friends, I'd be majorly suspicious, and would warn people. That screams "drama", and few people want to get dragged into that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilac33 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 Wow! I'm glad I don't have to live like this! If I couldn't trust my H, why would I want to be with him? Yes I do not envy anyone in my situation. Why I stay...if Im honest kids, financial support, family pressure and because I love him despite what he's done. Not very great reasons but the reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilac33 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 The only person that really knows is your H. Social media is a fact of life these days. Is he looking at her stuff? Probably not. Most smart people only allow 'friends' to read/see their stuff. If he he is not friends with her he would only see what she makes public. Create you own account and see what you can see of hers; that is what he would see. Thank you I did this used a friends account and her stuff is pretty limited you can't see information besides her profile picture but they do have some friends in common which at this point he shouldn't. Also some of his old pictures still contain comments from her. It's petty but I can't say I didn't notice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Wow! I'm glad I don't have to live like this! If I couldn't trust my H, why would I want to be with him? And... Friending someone is not unilateral. You can only friend request them. It is up to them whether or not they accept. I don't accept requests from anyone I don't know - and that includes spouses of friends, unless they are also friends. I suspect many people are the same. And if I suddenly saw a friend's spouse trying to friend up all of their friends, I'd be majorly suspicious, and would warn people. That screams "drama", and few people want to get dragged into that. You are correct...others have to accept the friend request. I would assume that my husband and i know most of the same people so most would probably accept a request. I trust my husband....I am the one who is totally transparent......by choice. This woman has a history with her husband...she is attempting to reconcile...one of the most important parts of reconciliation is complete transparency. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilac33 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 You are correct...others have to accept the friend request. I would assume that my husband and i know most of the same people so most would probably accept a request. I trust my husband....I am the one who is totally transparent......by choice. This woman has a history with her husband...she is attempting to reconcile...one of the most important parts of reconciliation is complete transparency. Yes this is true. I definitely do not have complete transparency. I've never had it. My husband is in a very high level exec position and has several means to hide things from me so to some attempt my trying is futile. However I do believe as someone said most lies always come out its just a matter of time. and it did 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilac33 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) @writergal I think you are right my husband is of this nature and I'm trying to evaluate if the kids and financial reasons are enough to stay. I do admit this has definitely shed light on the type of person he is. And probably will continue to be. @blackhat that is probably some of the most honest advive I've read but don't want to accept that cheaters can't change. Don't you always want to be the one to be the reason you're husband/person you love changes for the Better. Perhaps this is the exact kind of thinking that should have me have my head examined. @betrayedh you know I agree a one night stand would be so much better. My husband is In a position of power so there is no shortage of him taking advantage of young girls climbing up the corporate ladder. But she wasn't that. She was successful and smart and his age. And even him he broke all the rules having her In all his personal spaces which is unlike guys that have affairs. I mean why was he driving her to doctor appointments and introducing her to my child. This is a new even for him. This is the part that keeps me the most confused. I just want to know now that the dust has settled is he going to be trying to contact her again?!? I know she hates him and she is not the type of woman who will take his crumbs he majorly lied and future faked with her so that feels good but then it makes me feel sad bc knowing he will chase the unattainable and is she that for him. All the other girls will gladly throw themselves at him. Not her she let him and me know exactly what she thinks of him(lol) and told me to only call her for advice when I'm smart enough to leave (even I admit she was hilarious). Edited April 5, 2015 by Lilac33 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilac33 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 Oh and she lives less than 10 miles Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Your reasons are valid to you, even if others think they're not. If at some point you change your mind and feel you can do it on your own, and you're sick of what's been going on, you can do something about it then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 What consequences did your H face, as a result of his betrayal? I ask because if he hasn't faced any, what stops him doing it again? Did he ever feel you'd leave him following the A? Because when you stay and don't stamp your foot down, it sends a message to the WS. They think you'll never leave, you're too scared of being alone or a number of other reasons. What does he do to make you feel safe? What remorse has he shown? How does he show you he loves you? Is this the first time he's cheated? Or just the first time he's been caught? What led him down this path? And what makes you think he won't do it again? If nothing else, invest time in yourself. Have a makeover, a new hairdo, do something like take up a new hobby. Try and give the message that you are confident to go it alone, if you have to. Be strong and hold your head up high. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 You are correct...others have to accept the friend request. I would assume that my husband and i know most of the same people so most would probably accept a request. I trust my husband....I am the one who is totally transparent......by choice. This woman has a history with her husband...she is attempting to reconcile...one of the most important parts of reconciliation is complete transparency. ^^^^^^ AND A FULLY remorseful, completely sincere person WHO HAS cheated and NEVER intends to again, one who wants to truly R (as Mrs Adams) will be SO EAGER to prove themselves to you AT ANY TIME and at all times. I take the "narky attitude" of my WH about complete transparency as a red flag to me to keep the exit plan current THEN speak with him about it. My WH called it "controlling" (I reply "I couldn't "control" YOU, he** YOU can't even control YOU, it's "monitoring", using technology to confirm or deny whether you're telling me the truth. Nothing more than monitoring. ") Much less fuss for the past 10 days. Lucky me (us). Lilac I have 3 children still at home. It IS exhausting and sometimes I tear up at HAVING to do it. But it is basically for MY OWN personal protection. I've had random full screen STD checks for the past 5y (since discovering WH porn addiction). My Dr never even charged me for them. She knows I'm not a paranoid person. And since my D Day was 15th December, both my Dr and I KNOW it was justified. I just had intuition. Dreams then denial from WH and intuition. And no, I only timidly asked him after I had a dream so I definitely didn't NAG him but boy will I NEVER believe a word that comes out of his mouth again. My WH is not your WH. My situation is not your situation. I am not you but I feel for you. What we are going through is similar but not the same. Never could be! Ultimately you just have to have an exit plan EVEN IF IT STINKS! Even if you are penniless, even if it's living at your parents, even if he goes to OW. Because you, and only you, have to decide WHEN enough is enough. There has to be a deal breaker point SOMEWHERE! If you have this fluffy R and you're all acquiescing to keep the bast*** "happy" with you then YOU ARE doing all the work and it IS a false R. Atm I sit down and analyse our marital progress on 15th of every month. Being the Anniversary of our D Day, how precious. But I do. If this month shows an IMPROVEMENT in all things then Yeah we're heading in the right direction. Does that mean I ABANDON my exit plan? HE** NO! If our measure shows a downhill trend then I add more to my plans as a SP etc. You just can't depend on this man 100%. I depend on mine about 5%. I just need his signature on a few things and I see us done. If things have improved dramatically by my timing of things then I will still have an exit plan but I may not instigate it. Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 It's awesome to hear of at least one woman that isn't on FB. Biggest time waster ever. Biggest load of bullsh** too. My friends I who actually meet to talk face to face! Dying art, call it "Faceache". I don't have social media and never intend to. Lol. Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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