I have major insecurity issues

[AnalogueAnimal]

Since adolescence I've been a shy and reserved kid and more like an introvert. I was pretty outgoing and had a good social circle but all of that changed when I started playing online games and I started paying more attention to people online than my friends and this lead me to lose some friends. I turned from a social butterfly to a social inept. The reason I'm writing this thread is to try to understand more about my insecurities and I'm hoping I'd be able to get some input from this community.

 

I've been running away from relationships since a long time once I felt like I'm close to them and I thought it's time I stop running away. I'm in an online relationship and our meeting date is coming near and I feel like our meeting will turn out to be a disaster.

I guess the reason I run away is because of my low self-esteem. I have very low self-confidence and I really don't feel good about myself and I've been dealing with anxiety and depression issues from the past two years. I try to be outgoing and confident but deep down, I'm hopeless..I have thought about ending it quite often but on very rare occasions, I feel confident and when I do, I feel like everything's gonna be great but this feeling fades away soon. I haven't told her about these things yet because I don't want her to think I'm an emotional wreck with low self-esteem. I feel like she is out of my league and when I do meet her, she won't like me as I'm just an average looking guy and she's drop dead gorgeous..she works out and has a great body. I'm worried what If I am awkward around her, what if I don't know how to carry the conversations. I can talk well on video but I know in person, it's going to be a different scenario. I also have a hard time trusting her, I don't feel like she likes me.

 

Basically, I don't feel comfortable with my body, I don't love myself, I don't feel confident and I'm not happy with my life. If I continue to be this way, I know our relationship with her and any other girl in future won't work out.

How do I deal with my insecurities?

[carhill]

One way to overcome insecurities is to face them.

 

Since this is posted in our LDR forum, I presume this person lives at a distance. Since relationships of the romantic sort are conducted in person, the first step in that process is to make 'in person' happen.

 

When interacting all one has to do is state that they'd enjoy visiting. The answer is what it is.

 

I did this back when international dating and there were some 'no's', some who disappeared and some who looked forward to my visits then changed their mind and some with whom I did visit and build intimacy with.

 

Since we can't read minds, we have no way of knowing how the person, in this case a 'drop dead gorgeous' young lady, feels about us. They may feel similar, or meh, or whoa that guy's ugly. It's impossible to know. When one doesn't know, one finds out. How? Keep showing up until someone says no.

 

Welcome to LS

[justwhoiam]

Since adolescence I've been a shy and reserved kid and more like an introvert.

I guess 30 to 50% of boys go through that in their teens. So yours is not some isolated case. It's pretty common, if not the rule.

 

I was pretty outgoing and had a good social circle but all of that changed when I started playing online games and I started paying more attention to people online than my friends and this lead me to lose some friends.

Were you able to balance your life in front of a screen and your real life? If not, it's time you do so. That means you need to meet new people (you could join an association, do volunteer work, go to some classes, etc.)

 

I turned from a social butterfly to a social inept

Even if you mentioned two extremes, that doesn't mean one is better than the other... to me they're equally not good.

 

The reason I'm writing this thread is to try to understand more about my insecurities and I'm hoping I'd be able to get some input from this community.

Let me know if I was useful in any way.

 

I'm in an online relationship and our meeting date is coming near and I feel like our meeting will turn out to be a disaster.

I think that's a common thought for many people meeting someone they like for the first time. Many tend to freak out towards the date, have second thoughts, some even try to further postpone the meeting... Relax. Pause your thoughts. Tell yourself you have nothing to lose. Whatever happens you will have experienced something new, maybe unusual, but quite certainly exciting/thrilling.

 

After being fine with that approach, starting focusing your thoughts on the how, what, and where. Be productive. Is she coming to you, or are you going there? Have plans on what to do, where to go. Have options to offer. Have ideas. Let her see you're smart and creative. Put some thought on what to wear too. Shave your face. Be a gentleman, but also be fun to be with. Make her smile.

 

I really don't feel good about myself

Exactly what don't you like about yourself? Get a sheet of paper, fold it in two, then make a list: on the left you write down what you think is not good about you, and on the right you put what's good/positive or even neuter about you. Then you can tell on here.

 

I've been dealing with anxiety and depression issues from the past two years

Have you been diagnosed with depression? At times, people go through rough patches, issues, sadness, but that doesn't mean it can't get better. Your attitude can go a long way. So you can be the maker of your own happiness or of your own "failure". Even the concept of failure can vary sensibly. Experiences, both bad and good ones, make you grow and better yourself. What you think is unnecessary may be essential, just you don't know yet.

 

I have thought about ending it quite often

Ending what? Ending your life? Ending your online relationship? What? I think you have too much time in your hands not really knowing what to do with it, and it leads to this kind of thoughts. It's about feeling useless. And that often comes from feeling unloved.

 

on very rare occasions, I feel confident and when I do, I feel like everything's gonna be great but this feeling fades away soon.

When you feel confident, how do you think that happens? What leads you to being confident? What helps you feel that way?

 

I haven't told her about these things yet because I don't want her to think I'm an emotional wreck with low self-esteem

Hiding who you really are won't help you. But you can work on improving yourself and your approach about life, and the way you were might become a thing of the past. And then you'll talk about that with your girlfriend, because it's just natural (your current potential girlfriend or the next one).

 

I feel like she is out of my league

That's funny. She wants to be your girlfriend, right? And she wants to meet you! That's exciting and you should be on cloud 9 just because of that. Don't ruin that with putting yourself down. If you're in love with her, you need to glow, you need to show your excitement. That alone with give you a 1,000 points. And remember, for many people, it's not about how gorgeous you are, about it's about how you make them feel. That can make a difference and what can make you click instantly.

 

what If I am awkward around her

Smile My man is always quite nervous whenever we meet after a while of being separated from one another. He's worried he'll do or say something wrong. He's also excited about seeing each other. At times he's worried he got fat and he wants to look good for me. In not time, though, he feels comfortable again, and the bad thoughts just go away.

 

what if I don't know how to carry the conversations

When you're at a loss for words, just use a different language that doesn't involve speaking. Use body language. Smile, caress her hand, or hold her with your arm... see what fits on the spur. Be spontaneous.

 

I don't feel comfortable with my body

Why

I don't love myself

I think it's OK to not love some parts of ourselves, but not everything. Start being selective and isolate things you like and things you don't like about yourself.

 

I'm not happy with my life

Detect what you don't like about your life and change it! What don't you like about it?

 

If I continue to be this way, I know our relationship with her and any other girl in future won't work out.

Chances are nothing else will work either. Job, friends, family, etc.

[AnalogueAnimal]

>Were you able to balance your life in front of a screen and your real life? If not, it's time you do so. That means you need to meet new people (you could join an association, do volunteer work, go to some classes, etc.)

 

Nope, I wasn't able to balance my real life and online life. In fact, I ignored my real life friends and going out with them so I could spend time online. I started getting more attached to people online rather than real life. I guess, I felt more comfortable talking openly with people online and I felt like they wouldn't judge me. I tend to worry what people think of me a lot.

 

The reason I'm freaking out is because I feel like I have no experience meeting people from another country and hanging out with them and especially meeting girls from another country. This is my first time.

 

I have never been there and I promised her I would be visiting her.

 

I have never visited a shrink before but I'm certain I have depression and anxiety issues.

 

Ending the relationship or in other words, running away from the relationship because of the meeting.

[Syberia]

I've been through your situation. I'm going to assume this girl likes you, and you've known each other for some time if she's considering meeting someone in another country. People don't just do that for no reason, and you've got that going for you. Trust me, she wants it to work, or else she wouldn't be going through with it.

 

My wife and I had known each other online for over 3 years before ever meeting in person. There was not one bit of awkwardness (ok, maybe for a few minutes but that's normal), we immediately hit things off and may as well have been old friends (because, hey, we were). So are you.

 

Since you've already developed a relationship with this person, if you feel awkward or weird around her in person, just joke or laugh about it. I'm sure she'll find it funny or cute, and you've just given yourselves something to talk about and break the ice. And once you've done that, things won't be weird anymore.

 

So what if you don't have anything to say all the time? No one does. Hold her, hug her, kiss her. Hell, do what we did and invent a stupid little game where one person tries to kiss the other while the other tries to keep them away. There's so much more you can do in person.

 

 

If I continue to be this way, I know our relationship with her and any other girl in future won't work out.

On the other hand, if you can pull this off (and you can), you will have much more confidence in every thing else you do.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Syberia

[OnlyHonesty]

You would do better focusing on the relationnship you have with yourself, your priorities are wrong.