tris Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 My ex and I broke up a year ago, but had been fwb ever since. He moved to Kansas, and I followed him, living out of my car for a month until I got my own place. He tried to get back together with his ex-girlfriend while I was out there, and frequently ignored me. I knew no one out there, and when I hit a deer and called him asking for him to visit me and offer support, he wouldn't come. I offered him $1000 to be my boyfriend, but he wouldn't accept it. Then he moved back to Colorado, and I eventually moved back as well. We became really good friends once I returned. We started seeing each other twice a week, and it felt as if we were back together, but ever since we broke up, he's been trying to find other girls. He would constantly complain about how boring he is and how no girls are interested in him, so I felt safe that he would be single until he was ready to come back to me. I was certain that he loved me deep down as I love him. He says he loves me as a friend. Recently, a girl sent him a message on an online dating site. The other night, he told me that this girl he’s been seeing for 2 weeks is now his girlfriend, they're exclusive, and he's not going to sleep with me anymore. I became very angry, and stood up for myself, but now I fear I said many things that will just push him closer to her and further from me. Although I was angry, I didn't scream and yell at him, but was rather firm. I did such things as demand that he stop seeing her, telling him that she's ugly (which he agrees with), acted desperate and needy, told him that at that moment I hated him, and when he said he was a horrible person, I said I agreed with him now. I also gave him a choice--her or me, and he said, "I choose the one who is giving me a choice." After this I broke down crying and tried to get him to help me understand why I was such a horrible person, what is so terrible about me that makes him not want to be with me. He couldn't tell me why, and continued to insist that I'm not horrible, worthless, and unlovable. But why would he have left me and refuse to give me another chance if those things aren't true? I said I hoped I hadn't ruined things and that I couldn't stand to let him go, and we needed to finish doing some fun things we had started. He said to give him a call in a few days. I texted him the next day and asked who he would choose if I was the one giving him a choice. All he said was, "I would like to be your friend." Another important point: His new girlfriend was in a long-term relationship a few months ago, so I’m hopeful that she’s on the rebound. What he has done in his past relationships likely isn’t going to change for her. He pointed out that 2 of his exes left him because they felt he was distant and didn’t care about them. I felt that way when I was with him, and my unhappiness (which he blames himself for) caused him to be unhappy which is why he broke it off with me. He recognizes these problems he has in relationships, but is unwilling to do anything to change them. Considering her possible rebound and the likelihood that he will treat her the same way he has treated other girls in the past, does anyone think it likely that this relationship will last? Have I ruined my chances of getting him back forever? Link to post Share on other sites
dvx Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 My ex and I broke up a year ago, but had been fwb ever since. He moved to Kansas, and I followed him, living out of my car for a month until I got my own place. He tried to get back together with his ex-girlfriend while I was out there, and frequently ignored me. I knew no one out there, and when I hit a deer and called him asking for him to visit me and offer support, he wouldn't come. I offered him $1000 to be my boyfriend, but he wouldn't accept it. Then he moved back to Colorado, and I eventually moved back as well. We became really good friends once I returned. We started seeing each other twice a week, and it felt as if we were back together, but ever since we broke up, he's been trying to find other girls. He would constantly complain about how boring he is and how no girls are interested in him, so I felt safe that he would be single until he was ready to come back to me. I was certain that he loved me deep down as I love him. He says he loves me as a friend. Recently, a girl sent him a message on an online dating site. The other night, he told me that this girl he’s been seeing for 2 weeks is now his girlfriend, they're exclusive, and he's not going to sleep with me anymore. I became very angry, and stood up for myself, but now I fear I said many things that will just push him closer to her and further from me. Although I was angry, I didn't scream and yell at him, but was rather firm. I did such things as demand that he stop seeing her, telling him that she's ugly (which he agrees with), acted desperate and needy, told him that at that moment I hated him, and when he said he was a horrible person, I said I agreed with him now. I also gave him a choice--her or me, and he said, "I choose the one who is giving me a choice." After this I broke down crying and tried to get him to help me understand why I was such a horrible person, what is so terrible about me that makes him not want to be with me. He couldn't tell me why, and continued to insist that I'm not horrible, worthless, and unlovable. But why would he have left me and refuse to give me another chance if those things aren't true? I said I hoped I hadn't ruined things and that I couldn't stand to let him go, and we needed to finish doing some fun things we had started. He said to give him a call in a few days. I texted him the next day and asked who he would choose if I was the one giving him a choice. All he said was, "I would like to be your friend." Another important point: His new girlfriend was in a long-term relationship a few months ago, so I’m hopeful that she’s on the rebound. What he has done in his past relationships likely isn’t going to change for her. He pointed out that 2 of his exes left him because they felt he was distant and didn’t care about them. I felt that way when I was with him, and my unhappiness (which he blames himself for) caused him to be unhappy which is why he broke it off with me. He recognizes these problems he has in relationships, but is unwilling to do anything to change them. Considering her possible rebound and the likelihood that he will treat her the same way he has treated other girls in the past, does anyone think it likely that this relationship will last? Have I ruined my chances of getting him back forever? https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/6a/22/ec/6a22ec1372350bb64757502d070d8492.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 All I could think of is really bad banjo music playing in the background as I read this story. You need to see a counselor OP. Like stat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 You are not a horrible person. You are a doormat with major self esteem problems. He will never take you back but you need counseling. Where is your family in all of this? My heart breaks for you that you can't see how many unhealthy choices you are making. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tris Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 I can see that I made lots of poor choices. I just don't know how to fix all of my mistakes. I've been seeing a therapist for several months and doing much better. He says that sometime before he dies I might get to be with him again. My mom and grandmother just yell at me for crying and talking about him. I've managed to lose a couple of people who I thought were my friends. Why do you say that he'll never come back? Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 He is telling you he does not want to be with you. You should listen and stop letting him walk all over your heart. Why on earth would you want to bribe someone to be your boyfriend??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I can see that I made lots of poor choices. I just don't know how to fix all of my mistakes. I've been seeing a therapist for several months and doing much better. He says that sometime before he dies I might get to be with him again. My mom and grandmother just yell at me for crying and talking about him. I've managed to lose a couple of people who I thought were my friends. Why do you say that he'll never come back? He won't come back because he sees you as weak & not worthy of him. I'm sorry to be so harsh but you are basically somebody he threw away. You slept in your car for him. You tried to buy his affections. You chase him around like a puppy moving from state to state yet he rejects you time & time again. He sees no value in you. Your best revenge is to continue with your therapist, get on your feet & live well. Be the strong person your mom & grandmom want you to be. Ask them to help you get over him & move forward in a positive light. Before you make your next relationship decision with anybody consult them about whether it's a good thing. Normally I would not suggest an adult do this but your history of extremely bad decisions tells me you need all the guidance you can get. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 This could very well be the story of a stalker who doesn't know how to take "no" for an answer from a manipulative narcissist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) No he will not get back with you. People value what they don't have or what they have that others covet. You made yourself a valueless commodity. Show some self worth by moving on and forgetting him. Edited April 4, 2015 by Mrlonelyone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 You don't need him, you need yourself. Keep going to therapy and find yourself. Rescue yourself. Until you realise you deserve something better, you'll never have anything better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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