Healthier Me Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Hey all. I haven't started a post in awhile. Mostly bc I've been doing well for the most part. Until about a week ago. H and I are at each other's throats it seems about every little, insignificant thing. Our sex life has all but vanished, and it's been leaving me feeling incredibly lonely. So unfortunately I stupidly allowed romantic thoughts of X to emerge. Back story- I had a three year A with my m boss. Had around three breakups before the final one, went NC, blocked him , and never once broke NC. So last w/e things were beyond intense with my h, so I met with my friend to vent. She is a former co-worker from where mm is boss. She is also a very close friend with whom I have a formed a deep trust and bond with, and therefore I confessedd with her about the A. She was instrumental in helping me disengage myself from it. Her h is good friends with mm, so they frequently socialize. MM knew of my disclosure to her, and wasn't happy about it, but between the two of them they came to an agreement about absolute confidentiality. During lunch I began my boo-hoo's about feeling nostalgic for mm since h has been such an a** lately. She became incredibly quiet and I knew something was up. Apparently her h and mm and his family had been over to her place. Friend's h made a comment at dinner about water cooler gossip at his employment of an alleged affair between a few of his co workers. When he left the room, mm leaned over and whispered, "this is why I kept Healthier on a short leash- so I could keep an eye on her!" Meaning- he was keeping me around the whole time only to appease me so I wouldn't blab anything! His little pathetic puppy dog. I am in complete shock over this. I am crushed and angry at the the same time. Mostly crushed. Mm never once showed a malicious bone in his body. He was always the "perfect gentleman." (Aside from the obvious !) We had a really great friendship and he knows I would NEVER blab about the A! I had a lot to lose as well from a d-day, so why would I play that card? I can't describe how used and utterly FOOLISH I sm feeling right now. I cant. I mean the three former break-ups were ALWAYS put back in full gear bc of him! HE pursued ME! Now I know it was all an act just to cover his butt! I made a total idiot out of myself trying to be all funny any sexy for him. Be the woman he kept telling me I was. How did I believe the lies?? The hunt for a house together even!! It was all an act on his part??? Did he cringe every time we were physical?? Just enduring our time together to buy him some security?? I'm sorry this is so long. You guys are the only ones who understand the cursed dynamics of this insidious beast we call Affairs!!! i am truly wondering if an A REALLY ends. Even after its over, it continues to hurt. Like it won't LET you out!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I don't think that's why he stayed in a three year affair. I think he said it to your friend because she knows about the affair. He also might still be upset you ended it and said it hoping that it might get back to you. I just ended it with my AP and I love him but if one of my ex coworkers who knew about the affair asked if I still spoke to him I might say "no and I don't care to" meanwhile that's the furthest thing from the truth. You weren't blackmailing him or threatening him to stay in the affair. He did it because he wanted to. That comment was just him being an a$$ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 She became incredibly quiet and I knew something was up. Apparently her h and mm and his family had been over to her place. Friend's h made a comment at dinner about water cooler gossip at his employment of an alleged affair between a few of his co workers. When he left the room, mm leaned over and whispered, "this is why I kept Healthier on a short leash- so I could keep an eye on her!" Meaning- he was keeping me around the whole time only to appease me so I wouldn't blab anything! His little pathetic puppy dog. Standard play from the OM play book. His statement shows he knows his way around affairs for he has done this many times before. He kept you on a leash because to as potential damage control and incase you would become weak and have sex again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I don't think that's why he stayed in a three year affair. I think he said it to your friend because she knows about the affair. He also might still be upset you ended it and said it hoping that it might get back to you. I just ended it with my AP and I love him but if one of my ex coworkers who knew about the affair asked if I still spoke to him I might say "no and I don't care to" meanwhile that's the furthest thing from the truth. You weren't blackmailing him or threatening him to stay in the affair. He did it because he wanted to. That comment was just him being an a$$ I agree with Ronnie. He said this to your friend as a way to inflate his own ego. It was a $hitty thing to say, for sure. But a man doesn't carry on an affair for 3 years in order to keep someone "on a short lease." An A can be a great way to stay in a lousy marriage. Lots of people have them as a strategy for making married life tolerable. Now that your marriage is rocky, it makes sense that you are vulnerable to the feelings and thoughts of your old affair. That soft cushion is gone and you are bearing the full brunt of your marital conflicts without the escape. While it's a lot tougher to do it that way, it shows more integrity and it will allow you to focus on your marriage and decide what you want to do there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 dude is a jacka**. the comment was rude and unprovoked and just plain pathetic. like, he kept YOU around just to keep an eye on you but he's the one running his mouth when no one even mentioned your name during that convo? how backwards is that? what a b*tch. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 He might want to keep his arrogant mouth shut now, after all you are off the leash!! Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I agree with Ronnie also..... I also think he knew it would definitely get back to you so stay strong and pass this test!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Healthier Me Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Thank you all for your support. It was just so out of character for him. Just NOT the man I knew. It makes me question my own discernment of people. Not that I was or am a saint, but I would never treat anyone like a dog. Least of all him. I don't even associate with people who have a hurtful and bitter character, so I wouldn't of even let three years go by if he'd of shown those traits. Which he never did!! I just can't figure out why after all this time he wants to hurt me instead of letting me get on with my life. Now I have two men who are dragging me down. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Thank you all for your support. It was just so out of character for him. Just NOT the man I knew. It makes me question my own discernment of people. Not that I was or am a saint, but I would never treat anyone like a dog. Least of all him. I don't even associate with people who have a hurtful and bitter character, so I wouldn't of even let three years go by if he'd of shown those traits. Which he never did!! I just can't figure out why after all this time he wants to hurt me instead of letting me get on with my life. Now I have two men who are dragging me down. Are you really that shocked that he made this comment? I'd be more shocked that he is saying these things to other people, you know, things that could get back to your unsuspecting husband. I only say this because reading your back story your BS has no clue of your three year affair. Since there isn't much (anything) you can do about his comments, just press on and be glad you're out of this mess. I'm sure he's moved on to his next OW. And, I'd bet he's a serial cheater who chooses only MOW who stand to lose just as much as he does. That really shouldnt be too shocking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Thank you all for your support. It was just so out of character for him. Just NOT the man I knew. It makes me question my own discernment of people. Not that I was or am a saint, but I would never treat anyone like a dog. Least of all him. I don't even associate with people who have a hurtful and bitter character, so I wouldn't of even let three years go by if he'd of shown those traits. Which he never did!! I just can't figure out why after all this time he wants to hurt me instead of letting me get on with my life. Now I have two men who are dragging me down. I'm also very curious what this means? Who's dragging you down? And please, don't give this MOM so much credit and headspace. Aren't you glad (although perhaps shocked) to find out his true character? If anything, his comments should solidify his character and 100% set you free. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 He is a jerk and a player and you should be glad to be done with him. He probably did manipulate you, but you broke free and that says a lot- good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 He might want to keep his arrogant mouth shut now, after all you are off the leash!! I agree...off the leash, no loyalty...no more protecting him Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Do you really think nobody from work knew you two weren't having an affair? I'm sure many suspected and then once your A ended, they noticed you two not hanging out or speaking anymore. Or maybe your friend told her husband but didn't name names, then he came out with it at dinner time. Then again, you did tell your friend whom you knew was friends with MM and his wife. Maybe he figures you told others as well? Whatever you do, don't break contact. The A is over and what he does, says and thinks shouldn't matter anymore. Your friend now should stay out of it and not be the in between person between you and exMM. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 You didn't think he could be a d*ck, yet he was a d*ck to his wife by having an affair with you. Seriously - you don't see his actions as a pretty crappy thing to do to the woman he married? Can you not see all the lies he told her - all the gaslighting he did to her? You seem to want to play the victim here - by letting us know HE pursued YOU...so what? You CHOSE to get involved with a married man. You chose to betray your spouse, just like he chose to betray HIS spouse. With regards to your marriage - all marriages have issues at times. You are responsible for 50% of the state of your marriage. How much of your issues with your H are because of your 'memories' of the MM? Are you resentful of your H that he isn't MM? Are you resentful that he has stayed with you - so you can't go be with the MM? Examine yourself and your actions. And please, don't involve your friends in your affair. It isn't fair to them. You are putting them in a very awkward position - knowing your betrayal of your spouse and MM's betrayal of his wife -- yet they are 'friendly' with them. That isn't fair to them at all. You chose the affair. You have to deal with the fall out. have you and your H tried marriage counseling? Have you thought about telling your H of the affair? Your marriage will never heal, imho, if you aren't honest and part of that honestly is disclosing what you did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 since h has been such an a** lately. Husband's an a**, now OM is an a**.. everyone's an a** except you eh? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Not surprising behavior for your former affair partner. Can't understand why so many women are surprised by this all the time. Men chase you trying to get in your pants from the time you are teenagers and you all understand that and deal with it Then some how once guy gets married to another woman somewhere all of a sudden he is cheating with you but he is just an angelic hero on two legs. Not just another guy wanting sex from you. Unfortunately you are probably not his first rodeo and hopefully you have learned a lesson , which is only have sex with single men. Doesn't mean some of them might not be ass holes but the odds are better . You might want to concentrate on fixing the stuff with your husband or divorcing him so you are not in an affair again soon. It sounds like whatever he is doing or not doing is laying the ground work in your head to justify doing it agsin? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Why even think about this? You are giving him free rent space in your head, for what purpose will this serve? Maybe thinking about him is a release valve for what went wrong last weekend with your husband. Because honestly, what he said really means nothing and its sounds like you *want it to mean something so you can not focus on your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 That's absolutely awful what he whispered to your friend. One 'good' thing about hearing this is that it will hopefully help you to stay NC (for me, anger always helps). Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Thank you all for your support. It was just so out of character for him. Just NOT the man I knew. It makes me question my own discernment of people. Not that I was or am a saint, but I would never treat anyone like a dog. Least of all him. I don't even associate with people who have a hurtful and bitter character, so I wouldn't of even let three years go by if he'd of shown those traits. Which he never did!! I just can't figure out why after all this time he wants to hurt me instead of letting me get on with my life. Now I have two men who are dragging me down. What character. He has no morals. The only thing that can use the word character with your MM is when he is being described as he is a real character that one. Link to post Share on other sites
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