Realization and pain for the DUMPER

[letitplayout]

From what I've read there's somewhat of a consensus that the dumper initially experiences relief and a sense of freedom, then after a cool-off period (some say 6 weeks, others up to 6 months) when the rush of anger and emotions from the break up have subsided, the dumper will only then begin to feel the loss and loneliness that accompanies the end of a close relationship.

 

I believe this may happen because of the relief of executing a painful decision which has been hurting the dumper for months and the accompanying feeling of absolute freedom which blocks any real sense of pain or loss. Which is why often times the dumper starts heavily partying and spending every free moment with their friends. As a sort of mental blockage and escape from dealing with the pain.

 

If this was the case and the dumper has been unintentionally not dealing with the loss, should there not naturally be a point when the 'high' wears off?

Then after life returns to normal the dumper is only then hit with the notion of the loss of a close relationship.

 

This is assuming there was a good bond, it was a long term relationship and no major abuse etc. was involved.

I'm also going off the principle that even though the dumper had a reason to end the relationship, they still lost a close companion and someone who they shared an intimate bond with. Surely there has to be some sort of grief experienced when the dumper actually has to live without the person.

 

I know there have been many similar posts to this one! But I would like to hear any theories/opinions or experiences any of you have about this.

 

So my question is:

 

If you were the DUMPER were you initially relatively unphased by the break up then only dealt with the loneliness and loss after a period of time?

 

If you were the DUMPEE did your dumper ever initially seem unphased then after a while tried to initiate contact and express any sort of pain/regret/loneliness? And did they ever try to reconcile?

[Smokeshow]

Mine was a short term RS around 4 months but I gave it time, NC for around 5 months then reached out to her (the dumper) and we are in the process of reconciliation. I'm not sure the length of the RS has any merit to getting back together but I do believe a strong bond between the two of you and a healthy RS is key to having any chance for a future RS

[Borderline]

I have been on both ends. A few years ago I was with someone for over a year, I truly loved her but it was totally toxic (on again, off again, unhealthy attachments, jealousy, control issues and power struggles) a hot damn mess. I was growing sick of her breaking it off and coming back days later wanting to reconcile. I was pretty much at my ends anyway, when an ex of mine from years prior suddenly popped back up in my life out of literally no where. It was pretty instant that I realized I still had feelings for this ex in a BIG way, and I was compelled to see what the deal was there - this gave me that extra push to dump the toxic girl. I no longer had anything holding me back, I was ready for a new chapter with a long lost love and there was no foundation that could keep me where I was. I dated the ex for a few months and it fizzled out quickly, realized it wasn't bad timing then, but that we just simply weren't compatible. I moved on and began casually dating, I was in a great place with a new found sense of freedom! The ex gave me that confidence boost I so desperately needed to break the cycles of the toxic relationship, and although it didn't pan out with her, I was on my way to bigger and better things with a new, more mature outlook on love. I was soaring for a while, just dating here and there. When suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. I missed the toxic girl, just like that. One day I woke up and I was in pain. And I wondered where the hell I've been the last 8 months and what I was thinking. I definitely regretted it and began pining over her just as she'd pined over me all that time. We did get back together but it was beyond repair at that point and it ended not much later. It took me a LONG time to get over her, and it was rough.

 

 

More recently I am on the dumpee end currently. My ex just broke up with me after a little over a year of being together. We had been on shakey ground, it was a complicated situation (long distance) and we had our share of obstacles. Things began to get hard to maintain anymore and for a while felt like I was the only one trying, although she says I "emotionally vanished" so she was giving up... Idk so confusing but, we've been broken up going on two weeks now. Things turned bitter because of trying too hard to fix the situation when she was so adamant on cutting our losses and just going our separate ways. We have broken up in the past very briefly, over sort of the same issues, but I think this time it is different because I guess she feels nothing ever seems to change.. not for long anyway. So time will tell, I am hoping she comes back around but my hopes aren't very high. I do know and she has confirmed that she does still love me just as deeply as she ever did, and she has no interest in dating or anything of the sort. But that it just wasn't going to work. I do suspect her confidence in this decision may wear down after some time and space... But then, I can't really tell if that is just wishful thinking.

 

Time shall tell, but yea, you are definitely on to something there - I have noticed a pattern with anyone and break ups. Unless the break up was because there was a serious lack of interest and/or chemistry, I think most break ups possess this theme, in it's initial stages anyway, no matter how long it may take for the dumper to realize.

[SethDamien]

It depends.

 

If they dumped you to gain personal space/freedom, there is a higher chance the dumper will miss you.

 

If they dumped you for somebody else, they will most likely never miss you.

 

Source* personal experience.

[minimariah]

It depends.

 

If they dumped you to gain personal space/freedom, there is a higher chance the dumper will miss you.

 

If they dumped you for somebody else, they will most likely never miss you.

 

Source* personal experience.

 

this. when they fall in love and start a new relationship with someone else - they probably won't even remember you exist, let alone try to reconcile (it does happen but it's rare).

 

if they duped you for some kind of freedom? they might come back but there is a big chance that they'll dump you all over again.

[lana-banana]

By the time I break up with someone I've already mentally detached myself. Yes, there's a period of sweet relief (using the bathroom without shutting the door, aww yeah) and some occasional loneliness (darn, I wish I had someone to watch Scandal with) but I never miss him enough to reconsider. Breaking up is a difficult, thoughtful decision. I don't pull the trigger unless I've considered my reasons, weighed the pros and cons, and felt totally confident in my choice. I have effectively gone through the grieving/separation process before I've actually broken up. This sounds callous, but it's a consequence of adulthood; the alternative is an impulsive, immature, split-second decision, and that's far worse for everyone involved.

 

Dumping someone can be very hard, but it's never remotely as traumatizing as being dumped. That's just how it goes.

[xtopher65]

It's funny how we humans are so selfish. I have detached myself before breaking up with someone too. Is it the right thing to do? Probably not. The right thing is probably breaking up the moment we feel it is not going to work out. Mentally and emotionally checking out is cowardly. It is a way to protect oneself from future pain. Pain and fear of loss is the motivation in most things in life. We either run to it or away from it. I am working on this myself. Its not fair to the other partner.

Edited April 4, 2015 by xtopher65

[Auspecial]

Having been on both sides, I agree that it depends on the circumstances.

 

I have regretted deeply, even after much thought before breaking up, thinking maybe there could have been a different way to explore my inner growth in regards to needing "space." Then, after realizing what I had given up, it being too late for the other person.

 

Also had the situation I didn't think it was going to work out, and broke things off several times, and the other person kept trying to make it work. Since there wasn't anything majorly bad (abuse, etc,) I stayed but then began to subconsciously sabotage it, so then the other person broke things off. Then I felt sad for a day, then relief after that.

 

Crazy Humans.

[lana-banana]

It's funny how we humans are so selfish. I have detached myself before breaking up with someone too. Is it the right thing to do? Probably not. The right thing is probably breaking up the moment we feel it is not going to work out. Mentally and emotionally checking out is cowardly. It is a way to protect oneself from future pain. Pain and fear of loss is the motivation in most things in life. We either run to it or away from it. I am working on this myself. Its not fair to the other partner.

 

I don't agree, if only because I don't believe dumping someone is a cakewalk. I'm not going to break up with someone the first time I worry about our future together; I wait until I'm sure it's the right thing to do. It usually takes me about a week or two of soul-searching to reach that conclusion. Break-ups shouldn't be sudden.

 

Now I do agree that hanging on to a lifeless relationship is a bad idea. I know plenty of people who are floating along in bad relationships because they're afraid of being alone or they just don't care anymore (this seems more common as you get older). That's unhealthy for both the unhappy person and their oblivious partner. But that's not the same as wanting to be sure you're ready to break up.

[Twigyy]

I believe that my ex didn't feel lonely or a sense of loss, cos of the new relationship she had after the breakup. Maybe for those smarter ones who stay alone after a breakup, but for those who are always searching for a partner, I don't think so..

[minimariah]

Mentally and emotionally checking out is cowardly.

 

the moment you feel you're not going to work out IS the moment you checked out, mentally & emotionally. you don't wake up one day and say - hi, darling! i love you 3,5% less than yesterday!

 

my point - it takes time for people to realize that they're over something. and when they do? it's usually too late. so it's kind of impossible to leave the relationship BEFORE you check out.

[Auspecial]

I believe that my ex didn't feel lonely or a sense of loss, cos of the new relationship she had after the breakup. Maybe for those smarter ones who stay alone after a breakup, but for those who are always searching for a partner, I don't think so..

I think it is possible that she didn't feel sad but it is much more likely that she did feel sad and the new relationship with a bandaid

[Didn'tknow]

Having been on both sides, I agree that it depends on the circumstances.

 

I have regretted deeply, even after much thought before breaking up, thinking maybe there could have been a different way to explore my inner growth in regards to needing "space." Then, after realizing what I had given up, it being too late for the other person.

 

May I ask the details of this situation? How long did it take you to realise, what age were you? etc.

[OneBigIdgit]

I had ran across a really well thought out timeline for the dumpers emotional progression a few weeks back. I haven't been able to find it again. it pretty much broke down what they felt as they moved along after the break.

 

 

It was pretty much explaining the results of a break and then jump into a relationship quickly. It said that if they ever felt true love for their partner in the previous relationship, and the break wasn't because of cheating and abuse, then the dumper would feel pain after the 'honeymoon' stage of the new relationship wore off. Depending on how good the new relationship is, that could be weeks or a few months but the average would be 3-5 months.

Figure they would start hurting at 3 months with the other relationship leveling off, and they would miss the ex more and more moving into the next few months. This is because the good memories created with the ex would overshadow any bad memories from the ex relationship. They haven't been with the new partner long enough to build much of a deep seated love and memories.

 

 

Throw all of this out the window though of they win the relationship lottery and luck into meeting just the right person to make them totally forget the last relationship. It happens, just not often.

 

 

If you made the ex love you before the break, make them miss you after the break, then you have a chance.

[Throldur]

I had ran across a really well thought out timeline for the dumpers emotional progression a few weeks back. I haven't been able to find it again. it pretty much broke down what they felt as they moved along after the break.

 

 

It was pretty much explaining the results of a break and then jump into a relationship quickly. It said that if they ever felt true love for their partner in the previous relationship, and the break wasn't because of cheating and abuse, then the dumper would feel pain after the 'honeymoon' stage of the new relationship wore off. Depending on how good the new relationship is, that could be weeks or a few months but the average would be 3-5 months.

Figure they would start hurting at 3 months with the other relationship leveling off, and they would miss the ex more and more moving into the next few months. This is because the good memories created with the ex would overshadow any bad memories from the ex relationship. They haven't been with the new partner long enough to build much of a deep seated love and memories.

 

 

Throw all of this out the window though of they win the relationship lottery and luck into meeting just the right person to make them totally forget the last relationship. It happens, just not often.

 

 

If you made the ex love you before the break, make them miss you after the break, then you have a chance.

 

My scenario is pretty much that my ex was still in-love with me when she broke up with me but got it into her head that she had to move away because moving away would somehow make all her personal problems go away, every day would be exciting, she'd have an amazing job, then everything would be perfect like a Disney movie. While none of this is true and she will eventually miss her friends, family, (me hopefully) and she struggles to find a job, finds out the new guy she's with is a controlling ******* who only wants to isolate her, I think there might be a chance she will reach out to me.

 

Guess time will tell. Waiting is the hardest part.

[Over n out]

I think that when all dumpers do the dumping they need a period of time to reinforce their decision regardless of whether it was right or not. No amount of pleading will make them change their minds.

 

This is why they feel relief after the break up, as for most cases they have probably checked out of the relationship a while back.

 

My ex ended it with me. After the break up, emotions were running high so I could tell it was hard for both of us. Regardless of this she had to convince herself that it was the right thing to do. The fact she started dating almost straight away would have had some influence aswell. Even though she was dating, she still contacted me on several occasions and wanted to stay friends. 5 months later and I'm in NC.

 

I do think the 'high' will wear off, but the emotions they feel afterwards will all depend on their current relationship status and the reason for breaking up.

 

I hope this helps.

[letitplayout]

the moment you feel you're not going to work out IS the moment you checked out, mentally & emotionally. you don't wake up one day and say - hi, darling! i love you 3,5% less than yesterday!

 

my point - it takes time for people to realize that they're over something. and when they do? it's usually too late. so it's kind of impossible to leave the relationship BEFORE you check out.

Minimariah this is great insight! This entire time I've been focusing on the dumper being high on emotions and in the 'honeymoon period' of breaking up.

 

Do you believe once the they have realised they are done, gone through a spike of emotions post break up, then had everything return to normal they will never look back?

 

And would this be true for both genders?

[Auspecial]

May I ask the details of this situation? How long did it take you to realise' date=' what age were you? etc.[/quote']

 

Hmmm..

 

Some of the stats don't matter as much to me as to MOST individual's because I have always been a Free Spirit.

 

The relationship I spoke of, began in High School. We were together three years.

 

i was confused about breaking up. People saying right & left that we were too young, etc. I thought breaking up was the right thing to do because I was so young and had all these old timers telling me this.

 

I don't negate older peoples adice at all. I am just saying that *sometimes, there is True Love with very young people. Older people should not disparage that. It is real.

[Auspecial]

With that relationship, i regretted immediately but unsure about myself b/c of my age and others thoughts.

 

I thought about him for years.

[Price2Play]

I'm not sure how it is in Finland OP but "some" of American woman typically have options lined up if they are the dumper. The sad part is they are still carry that emotional baggage with them. Emotionally intelligent, confident woman take time off to heal & find themselves again.

 

IME this is not always the case but in 2 out of my last 3 RLs the woman moved on quite quickly to mask the emotions of the break up. Some woman just can't be alone to long so they rebound & send the pain below.

 

So beware OP next time you meet a sweet girl, make sure you are not her rebound.

 

Let go of any hope she returns OP, the past is the past. Stick to no contanct man!

[Didn'tknow]

With that relationship, i regretted immediately but unsure about myself b/c of my age and others thoughts.

 

I thought about him for years.

 

Thanks for the reply. It's the same timeframe and similar to my breakup. Older people were also telling her she's too young to be tied down etc and the commitment at such a young age scared her. I don't think she regrets it much right now but it's only been 3 months, she may eventually, who knows.

 

Did your ex go straight no contact and never speak to you again when you broke up with him?

[Auspecial]

I'm not sure how it is in Finland OP but "some" of American woman typically have options lined up if they are the dumper. The sad part is they are still carry that emotional baggage with them. Emotionally intelligent, confident woman take time off to heal & find themselves again.

 

IME this is not always the case but in 2 out of my last 3 RLs the woman moved on quite quickly to mask the emotions of the break up. Some woman just can't be alone to long so they rebound & send the pain below.

 

So beware OP next time you meet a sweet girl, make sure you are not her rebound.

 

Let go of any hope she returns OP, the past is the past. Stick to no contanct man!

 

 

Yeah, what is up with all these weaklings who can't properly break up and have to have a safety net ?!?

[artsygirl78]

I don't think there is necessarily a rhyme or reason to emotional grieving process of the dumper vs dumpee. It might have more to do with the depth of feelings one has for the other at the time the breakup happens. I was the one to do the breaking up in the two most serious relationships of my life - one because it was obvious that my ex was not in love with me anymore and the other because even though I loved him.deeply, there were deep seated issues and I felt I was not being treated well and needed to stick up for myself. In the first case there was no chance of reconciliation, in the second it seemed my ex wanted to reconcile and in my heart so did I but he left me hanging. I was truly and deeply broken hearted over both - I might as well have been the dumpee! There were other times when I broke up with someone where it was a relief and no regrets because I was no longer in love with the person.

[minimariah]

Do you believe once the they have realised they are done, gone through a spike of emotions post break up, then had everything return to normal they will never look back?

 

And would this be true for both genders?

 

i do. & i believe this to be true for everyone.

in most breakup cases - once someone checks out & dumps you, that is it.

 

if you're going through a fresh BU, it's easier to think that way than to keep the hope alive. it hurts much more when you keep thinking they'll realize their mistake and come back and then time passes... and BUM. it suddenly hits you that they moved on with their lives (got with someone new, married, kid on a way) & you're still standing in the same place, waiting for their comeback.

 

don't do that to yourself. hope is a very dangerous thing when it comes to breakups. it's easier to just accept breakup as something final and to accept that the dumper did exactly what they wanted to do.

[ZiggyZoo]

i do. & i believe this to be true for everyone.

in most breakup cases - once someone checks out & dumps you, that is it.

 

if you're going through a fresh BU, it's easier to think that way than to keep the hope alive. it hurts much more when you keep thinking they'll realize their mistake and come back and then time passes... and BUM. it suddenly hits you that they moved on with their lives (got with someone new, married, kid on a way) & you're still standing in the same place, waiting for their comeback.

 

don't do that to yourself. hope is a very dangerous thing when it comes to breakups. it's easier to just accept breakup as something final and to accept that the dumper did exactly what they wanted to do.

 

I love this. It brought tears to my eyes, because I remember so distinctly the moments when that realization hit me, that my exs have moved on. Much, much better to try and accept it from the beginning, it kills when it sinks in later. But very well said.