Conflicted

[aquarian_heart]

Hello, new here. Actually just found this forum tonight. So I'm in a bit of a pickle in my marriage. First I'll give a brief background story about my husband and I.

 

We met our senior yr in high school, started out as friends and didn't begin dating until almost 3 yrs later (when he finally asked me out after yrs of flirting!). We dated for for 4 yrs, then he proposed and we were married a year and a half later. We're coming up to our 2 yr anniversary this month and I want to end it.

 

I know, it's shocking that after only 2 yrs I want out. I did love him, but I think for sometime I had been falling out of love. He is a great guy, but I just don't think he's meant to be my guy. It also doesn't help that I've met someone else who makes me feel wonderful. Who let's me be me. I don't have to pretend around them.

 

I also did something I never thought I would do. I cheated on my husband with this person. And I honestly don't regret it. One problem my husband and I have had is having sex. I'm only 5'4" and he's 6'4". Things are in proportion if you get my drift. My husband was the only man I had had sex with, up until this new guy came along. Well I say sex, but it never really went far. I'm petite and he's got a lot of girth. Some women may like that but I don't. It's painful. Sex was painful.

 

But new guy fits me so much better. I was so shocked when I fell in love with him. We began as friends but we both felt something intense brewing between us. We tried to fight it, but we gave into our feelings. The way I feel for him can't even compare to how I've ever felt for my husband. Even in our early yrs of dating. I felt like I was just going through the motions.

 

So here I am, 29 and ready to end my marriage. But the thing is, I don't know how. I'm terrible when it comes to talking about big issues. And I know this will crush my husband. I don't want to hurt him, but I want to be happy. I don't want to be stuck married to someone who I don't love anymore. To make matters worse, I only get to see my husband on the weekends usually once or twice a month because of my work.

 

Ideally I'd like to get this done and over with sooner rather than later. I'd hoped actually that seeing him this long weekend would maybe change my heart. I thought maybe when I walked in the door and saw him that I would feel something. But I felt nothing. I didn't even feel a thing when we kissed. The spark is gone.

 

Sorry if this seems very scattered. I'm typing this out on my phone. Don't want to risk my husband finding out. At least not like this.

 

If anyone has any thoughts or tips for me, that would be great. Honestly this whole situation is so. Etching I never imagined I would have to deal with or go through. I never wanted to be a divorcee. I never thought I would fall out of love.

[minimariah]

I'm terrible when it comes to talking about big issues.

 

you need to work on this or you'll have the same thing happen with the new guy after troubles appear (and they absolutely WILL appear). you had painful sex, not enough time together & lost the spark - yet you (i assume) never addressed these issues with your husband? sex was always painful with your H and you actually married him? i was in your place and couldn't even last a month with the dude, let alone marrying him. you need to learn how to communicate, take this seriously - it's a huge problem. you'll have issues in new relationship, too - don't think you won't - and then you'll fall out of love again because you never bothered to address them, let alone to work on them. so go IC, for your own good and for your future relationship with this new dude to be successful.

 

sit down with your husband, tell him that you don't love him anymore and that you want the divorce. give yourself some sort of timeframe to do this - like a week from now, it has to be done. seek IC immediately to get advice & support system, talk about this with your closest friends or family. the longer you postpone The Talk, the worse you'll feel. he will be hurt, you really can't stop that. pick a date, sit down and force yourself to tell your husband about the divorce, be ready to have somewhere to stay (in case he throws you out), contact an attorney, contact a good counselor and start with the divorce. surround yourself with family and friends, good support system.

 

the failure of your marriage shouldn't come as a surprise - you married young + for the wrong reasons + had tons of unresolved problems (such as painful sex) + never learned how to communicate + you see him only on weekends. seems like a disaster and a waste of time, if you ask me.

 

good luck.

 

ALSO - one thing that can help, write it all down. like you're writing a speech, just put it all on the paper, all those things you want to tell your H about your feelings and thoughts on your marriage. if it'll be too hard, take that paper out and use it as help.

Edited April 4, 2015 by minimariah

[aquarian_heart]

My husband and I had discussed our issues in the past, but I think I was just naive to think it would get easier with time. He was the first guy I fell in love with and, well growing up and I never thought anyone would love or want me. Looking back now, I do think we got married for the wrong reasons. I think at the time I hoped it would fix things. I also felt pressure from both our families to get married. Everyone else was doing it, and we'd been together for so long it was the next step. Or so I thought...

 

Of course that all changed when I met this new guy. It's so much easier to talk to him. We're so open with one another. I feel more comfortable talking to him than I have my husband. Ever.

 

I have pretty much everything else figured out. If he kicks me out, I have a place to stay. I'm not too worried about him snapping. He's never been one to be angry. Whenever we had disagreements in the past, we talked through them. I just... I'm dreading bringing this up. The timing is terrible, especially with it being the holidays and he hasn't seen me in 4 weeks. I just don't want to leave on a sour note.

 

The other thing is how to actually start the talk. I've been writing down my thoughts and feelings go for the past few weeks as my affair began. I finally cracked and told my mother, who said she'll support me no matter what I do. Keeping it to myself was killing me.

 

I just never thought I'd be here. Looking at divorce...

[minimariah]

I just never thought I'd be here. Looking at divorce...

 

most people don't.

you realized you aren't happy and it's time to leave. i know it's SUPER hard and i know you'll feel a certain "stigma" for being divorced & you'll probably feel like you've failed but trust me when i say this - it is much better for you to divorce now than in 10 years with 3 kids involved.

 

it's life, it happens. about waiting for the right moment - when you wait for the right moment, that moment usually never comes. it's never the right moment bcause it will never NOT be painful. it will hurt and it will be uncomfortable, so the moment doesn't matter. just sit down, tell him you need to talk to him and tell him that you want out. start with explaining how you just aren't happy anymore and how you think you can't love him the way he deserves to be loved. i know i make it sound easy but the longer you keep putting it off, the worse you'll feel... trust me. he will be hurt, so you probably will leave on a sour note. it's how it goes with breakups.

[Friskyone4u]

There is no shame in being a "divorcee" and it does not matter that you are not married that long. There is shame in being a liar, a deceiver, and a cheater. You obviously have a conscience or you would not be posting here.

You should divorce your husband IF you are convinced you would divorce him even if Prince Charming had not come along. Affair sex and illicit sex is always more thrilling and exciting that the mundane husband .

Now, you say your husband is a nice guy and has not treated you poorly. Then show him some respect and tell him the truth and file for divorce. You will hurt him much more if he catches you, and he will.

If you are so sure you have met your soul mate there is no risk to you . The only risk is if you want hubby around as Plan B simply because you are enjoying your secret life. That will end

Do the right thing and accept there is nothing wrong with being a divorcee with honor and respect rather than sneaking around like a creep banging another man. Do the right thing and be proud you did it

[kenmore]

I'm dreading bringing this up. The timing is terrible, especially with it being the holidays and he hasn't seen me in 4 weeks. I just don't want to leave on a sour note.

 

The other thing is how to actually start the talk. I've been writing down my thoughts and feelings go for the past few weeks as my affair began. I finally cracked and told my mother, who said she'll support me no matter what I do. Keeping it to myself was killing me.

 

I just never thought I'd be here. Looking at divorce...

 

If you haven't seen each other for four weeks, it should be that much easier, but I'm confused. Just because of work schedules?

 

I am an Aquarian, so my heart is too. While I do understand what you are saying and what others are saying, I wonder if there is a way to work on your existing relationship since you do seem to want out, but you also seem to be concerned about him. Not to be ignorant nor just lame, I can't really "get" my wife's feelings which must be similar to yours. She seems to be concerned about me, but just the same, wants to see me out of her life. WTF?

 

I had always thought until recently that there was a way to make our relationship work. If she was a different sign, maybe, but I sure as Hell won't blame the stars. It just wasn't going to happen. I'm OK with that now.

 

So, if you are really dead with this guy and you know you would rather move on no matter what, then f*ck it, just do it! You don't need permission nor a tactic, all you need are the balls to do it. Just do it! (more apologies to Nike)

 

If you are here because you don't really know, then just shut up and talk to us for awhile. We are awesome, despite my cruelty and foul language. Most of the others are pretty cool!

 

Listen, just because you are acting similar to my wife, I won't hold that against you after this post. She's entitled to her feelings as are you. But, so am I. I do feel your pain and I feel hers. I feel mine more, but I'm doing just fine. You will too eventually. To be honest, I wonder if you feel at a big disadvantage because of your height difference.

 

The new woman I'm dating is a foot shorter than I am too. I like that, and would never hurt a woman. I think you feel he wouldn't either. My ex seems to put in my face that she mistrusts me even though I never did anything to make her feel that way. It's just something she wants to put on me. If you feel he doesn't deserve that, don't put it on him. That is crap!

 

Ken

[aquarian_heart]

If you haven't seen each other for four weeks, it should be that much easier, but I'm confused. Just because of work schedules?

 

I guess I should clarify about my work. I joined the military(as a technician in the air force) back in the fall and have been away on training. I live on a base 3 hrs away from home and I only get the chance to go home maybe once or twice a month.

 

He said he supported my decision to join, but I think in the back of his mind he resents me for it. Not that he's anti-military, he just is really clingy. Sometimes I find him to be more emotional than most the women I know. And the more I got to thinking about our future, with my career in mind, I came to realize the military life isn't for him but it is the life for me. He's too much of a homebody. He's dreading the day when I get my first posting and he'll have to move away from his family. I on the hand am up for the adventure.

 

Before the affair, before I even met this new guy, the distance didn't bother me. I was fine being away, doing my own thing. But he'd just be sad and mopey about me being away. I use to enjoy calling him after work, but then it just became the same conversation everyday. It was driving me up the wall. Having to constantly comfort him, tell him things will be alright, that I'll be home soon, etc...

[minimariah]

Before the affair, before I even met this new guy, the distance didn't bother me.

 

take this as a red flag in the future. you shouldn't be okay with seeing the man you love twice a month. i mean, everyone is different and some people do like their own space but... your H wasn't worried for no reason, at the end of the day - he was right. the distance definitely played a huge role in your marriage.

 

i seriously recommend IC. if you don't address some issues and solve it, i'm almost 100% sure you'll have the same thing happening with this other dude.

[minimariah]

While I do understand what you are saying and what others are saying, I wonder if there is a way to work on your existing relationship since you do seem to want out, but you also seem to be concerned about him. Not to be ignorant nor just lame, I can't really "get" my wife's feelings which must be similar to yours. She seems to be concerned about me, but just the same, wants to see me out of her life. WTF?

 

just because you don't love a person anymore - it doesn't mean that you want to see them hurt. i think that's where the OP is coming from - loving someone as a friend and not wanting to hurt them (also, not wanting to hurt them = not wanting to feel guilty, avoiding responsibility sometimes) BUT at the same time, has 0 romantic feelings and interest in her H. it's more guilt, friendship and habit. romantic love? no.

 

on top of everything - this is the OP's first real relationship, meaning she has 0 experience with dumping and breakups so it makes a little harder when your first breakup is a divorce.

[No Limit]

Please divorce your husband. He deserves a faithful woman who loves him.

[81West]

Ugh. What a horrible situation to be in. I can so feel what must be the dread of beginning this conversation that will likely hit your husband like a bat to the head and shake his sense of security and trust in the world to the core because he's been worried about something like this all along. Still, it has to be done if you're sure you're seeing things clearly. He of course deseves better and while it is immensely sad that he will have to experience a tough, tough walk to get there, it is what it is. Please let him get started as soon as possible.