Marshbear Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Why do we seem to pick the same types of people to get involved with over and over? If we like a certain type of person but we were very burnt by that type in the past, why do we seem to continue to want that? It happens to me all the time. I say I am never going to like a person who is rude, shallow, immature, no goals in life, unemployed but when I see signs of this in someone I meet I don't run away. I seem to want to try and CHANGE THEM. Do I like the challenge of this? Is it like a drug to me? I don't know. I guess it must hold some interest or fascination for me because I want to change but I seem unable to. Is s possible to re-program ourselves to want what is best for us and not what we desire??? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Why do we seem to pick the same types of people to get involved with over and over? If we like a certain type of person but we were very burnt by that type in the past, why do we seem to continue to want that? There is a theory of attraction in psychological circles called the "love map" theory. Basically in a nutshell what it states is that each individual has an image or map of their perfect partner in their subconcious or concious mind and this is the type of person they have strong chemistry with. It goes on to state that when an individual comes along who fits your "love map" (not 100%, of course) then you will have a strong attraction to them. If you fit their map then the mutual chemistry happens and that's when the shyt hits the fan. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marshbear Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 I have heard of the "love map" theory and I probably agree with you but I want to think we can use our intellect and get past the primal urges. Do you think we can force ourselves to change or are we doomed to our chemistry? If that chemistry is bad does that make us want it more? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Yes - you can change your spots, but you have to genuinely want to and make conscious efforts to make changes. Sometimes what is best for us may not always seem like the most satisfying at the time - it take a lot of work to change your perceptions so that those things that nearly always end negatively, but seem satisfying - can be seen in a different light, so to speak. It isn't easy to do that. Often someone can be in a miserable situation and find themselves in miserable situations consistently, because its all they've ever known and tend to act/react in ways which will perpetuate what they know and are comfortable with - regardless of how negative it may be. Relationships become a self-fulfilling prophecy - the girls who say "I always get dumped" are often getting themselves into relationships with men where being dumped is almost a certainty - but ignore the nice 'friend guy' who is in love with her, because G_d forbid she actually find a relationship that works. What would she do with herself then? She'd be lost because she has no idea how to function in a happy relationship. She'd be bored to death without the fighting, the arguing, the tears, the drama, the insecurity... She wants the relationship which will provide those things she needs: even when those things are something to reinforce the negative image she has of herself. She knows that she isn't happy, and she knows that it isn't going to be a positive relationship - but is powerless to change, because paradoxically, she can't live without those very things that make her most miserable. If she changed, what then? Would she be able to be happy? Therein lies the crux: there are no guarantees - if she lets go, there is no guarantee that what she gets will be any better for her than what she lets go. It isn't easy to let go of what you know, if you can't be guaranteed that other options will work out any better for you - particularly, when no matter how miserable you are - you can at least be assured of familiar territory. The chemical rush you get from a certain set of stimuli can become a drug - and you can become addicted to that chemical reaction, even if it is tied to very negative things. That's generally why people say 'you can't change your spots' - because it is very, very difficult to let go of what gave you those spots to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Do you think we can force ourselves to change or are we doomed to our chemistry? If that chemistry is bad does that make us want it more? Can a homosexual change himself or herself to become straight? Can someone attracted to blondes really change that? If a woman is attracted to strong, dominant and successful men do you thing she can change that? I think not. You may not get what u want but it will always be your preference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marshbear Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Can a homosexual change himself or herself to become straight? Can someone attracted to blondes really change that? I think it is possible to change anything if you have the desire. I think the mind can be re-programmed to desire different things if you tap into it's vastness. It is difficult as Lucrezia stated but possible. I think we give up and allow ourselves to fall into the trap because it is easy and we become complacent and comfortable. I am just ranting now but I sincerely would like to make a change in my relationships with women but do I have the desire to follow through or is it just talk? Probably just talk...... Link to post Share on other sites
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