7 Month Relationship - Ended out of the blue

[awman]

I'm not sure if I'm even looking for advice because currently I feel alright. About a month ago my girlfriend of 7 months broke things off out of the blue. The week before the breakup I visited her at school(drove 7 hours) and we had a really great time - everything was normal. We got in a little fight the night before our breakup over a poor joke she made. I chose not to talk to her the rest of the night(stubborn me) but was hoping she would reach out to me. When I finally reached out the next day she was acting super cold and flipped it on me. She said that my reaction was really making her reconsider our relationship. Long story short, she breaks up with me. Blames it on a lot of different things but in the end it comes down to her being conflicted about what she wants. She states that she's depressed(started seeing therapist week after breakup), has an eating disorder, hates herself, etc. I knew she didn't like her body image but I never knew the full extent of things. She states how she's not worthy of my love and that I deserve better. Okay, fine. Ends up getting back together with me that night. But I felt weird about things and confronted it the next day because she had told me that she wasn't fully invested as I was. We broke it off again. She continued to go back and forth a couple times stating that she was ready to fully commit. Emotional roller coaster. I knew better and told her it was her emotions getting the best of her. She wanted to be friends - I told her that couldn't happen and told her to let things breathe for the week. The week goes by with NC - it's her spring break, I was suppose to be staying with her. I reach out to her that weekend, this time she's cold but breaks down later in the call(3 hours long). We say our goodbyes, exchange a couple texts, she apologizes for the way things turned out and says she wishes they were different, I wish her well and bam no contact yet again. It's now been about 15-20 days no contact. Feeling better each day. I still miss her terribly but I know that she is not mature enough for this right now. Meanwhile I removed her from all social media but still find myself looking(defeats the purpose, I know). She post things about how hot guys are at her school...pretty sad. Anyways, I know I can't hold onto things or be upset about that because we're not together.

 

Background:

Met online, things moved super fast. I'm 22 she's 20. Had to do a little convincing for her to date me in the first place since she was going abroad for a semester. I ended up visiting her in while she was abroad for an entire month and we traveled and just enjoyed life. It was really an incredible trip. She then got back home, we hung out during winter break a lot. Had a really amazing relationship in my eyes. During our breakup she told me that she started feeling different as she got to school in the states. She says her feelings are super conflicted and part of her wants to be with me while another part wants to do her thing. I've gone through so many emotions. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, trying to work with her. I asked if she started to feel a certain way about another guy and she told me that it had nothing to do with other guys(not that she would tell me anyways). There were a couple of red flags along the way. Including her getting jealous of her friend talking to her ex boyfriend who goes to school there but I honestly think nothing is going on between her and him. When she was abroad there was this kid who always flirted with her and one day I saw a message from him about her teasing him on snapchat...major argument ensued. She assured me that it was literally nothing and that he made it out to be way more than it was(which guys do). But after the breakup she ends up following him on social media and liking his stuff. I called her out on it during the breakup mess. She ensured me again that nothing was going on there. She asked if I would give her another chance in the future if she figures herself out and I told her I would consider it but I'm not waiting around. But here I am like a chump trying to analyze everything.

 

I'm telling you I didn't see this coming from a mile away which is sad because she said she had felt this way for 2 months. I'm keeping no contact. I've disabled my facebook and twitter for the better of me. We'll see how long that holds up. I'm going to do some traveling and focus on myself/work in the meantime. I know that if we ever are to reconcile it won't be anytime soon so I just have to live my life. Funny how I logged back on here and the girl from my other thread came back around a year later to try to reconcile after my breakup - I flat out denied her(she's crazy). It's funny how life works out. I guess we'll see where this journey takes me next.

 

I did a lot of research on GIGS and BPD. Convinced myself a couple of times she has BPD and then I realized it's just immaturity and being young. I treated her the best possible way a person could so I have 0 regrets. The timeline of our relationship started in the summer, she went abroad, came back, had winter break, and then got back to school which was new for us in the relationship and that's where things went south. I understand she needs to live her life and find herself especially with only a couple years left of school.

 

I'm always the more committed and mature one in the relationship.

So, that's my story.

[GemmaUK]

I wouldn't say it was out of the blue at all.

 

 

First off her gut feeling was that she didn't want to date you as she was going away.

 

 

Did she beg for you to come and visit her when she was abroad or did she at any point say that it might not be a good idea?

 

 

While away she had correspondence with a guy - teasing. A major argument over teasing is over the top.

 

 

What was the poor choice of joke exactly?

Reacting by choosing to ignore her and hoping she will reach out to you is a pretty bad reaction. It also doesn't ring true - you obviously had something to ignore so she must have been reaching out to you to some extent. Did she not reach out 'enough'?

 

 

You split up so 'bam no contact' is bound to happen. What did you expect exactly?

 

 

It sounds like she wasn't as invested from the start as you were and you appear to be quite needy and insecure. It can be a real drain when someone needs constant reassurance.

I think her reasons she has given are just anyway to get away from a pretty controlling kind of relationship which she never really wanted in the first place.

She should have trusted her gut in the beginning.

 

 

Sorry to be so blunt here but if you can see your own part in a RS and the resultant break up then you have something to work on to move forward with.

[awman]

I disagree with it not being out of the blue. For her, it wasn't. For me, it was.

I'm telling you the day before she's telling me how much she loves and adores me and how she can't wait to see me. Talk about being hurt and punched in the gut.

 

She didn't beg for me to come and visit. It went something like I'm going to visit you when you're abroad. I don't think she took it seriously and then I booked a ticket. I was on a one month trip myself before I went so we were both kind of abroad.

 

My insecurities did get the best of me, I won't lie. But I was having trust issues. That could be my own problem and something I need to work on.

 

Now I remember actually, I told her not to contact to me after the joke because it bothered me but I was hoping she would turn around and apologize and she never did. The joke was about a singer who had died and I had written the lyrics to her in a text. Some cute lyrics, just joking around and she wrote hahaha she's dead. I was taken back and it hit a string and really annoyed me. I should have communicated better.

 

In my eyes the relationship was close to perfect. We both talked about never having such a connection with someone ever in our lives. I didn't expect this to happen. We had talked about we are going to do when she's out of school.

 

I really don't think I'm controlling - if from what I've told you makes you think I'm controlling that's not all of the relationship. Sure, there was the argument over that guy but that was a thing of the past(or I thought it was - and moved past it). Sure sometimes I was insecure, she was at college - I live at home.

 

I think it comes down to her not wanting it in the first place. She seemed really conflicted about it all but deep down she knows what she wants. I'm respecting that but deep down inside of me, I want her. We were so compatible from the start. I'm going to give this time to all breathe. Live my life, let her live hers and see where the path takes me.

[awman]

I wanted to add that when the relationship began, she was unsure of a relationship. Even breaking down at one point. I told her that if this isn't what she wants to tell me now and we don't have to do it. She told me it was what she wanted. So in my eyes, she is confused and has some maturing to do.

[d0nnivain]

It was out of the blue for you because you didn't see the signs. It doesn't mean they weren't there, just that you didn't pick up on them.

 

The only reason I point that out is so you will learn from this & not let it happen in your next relationship.

 

Believe me, I understand about getting blind sided. The night my grad school BF dumped me, I honestly thought he was coming over to propose. I got dressed up & everything. Talk about not seeing it coming.

 

She had issues: her self image, her depression, her self esteem etc. Add LDR to that & the GIGs that a lot of people get in college when there is a plethora of single available people running around, it's hard when your SO is a LDR.

 

Since you don't feel all that bad & are doing OK, let that be your guide. Letting her live her life while you live yours is the best idea. Do that.

 

You will still have moments of sadness & regret because it's always painful when a relationship ends but that doesn't mean your life is over.

 

Best wishes.

[awman]

Wow, thank you d0nnivain. Sorry to hear about your situation, that's terrible.

 

It's tough. I tend to say I have emotions like a girl...ha. I was a mess when this all happened and still breakdown now and then. It really hurts.

 

The thing is I always put in more effort than my SO in all of my relationships. It's just who I am. It's never a competition in my mind and I never think oh that person isn't putting in the same effort.

 

When we talked on the phone, I told her that I understand why she feels the way she does. I said you're 20, you've got all these outside influences, and you want to explore your options. I told her I couldn't be mad at her for feeling the way she does. I can't change that. I want her to be happy.

 

Unfortunately, it hurts to just let something go that you love. I'm keeping my heart and options open for the future because that's how I feel.

 

Also when we were breaking up she kept saying how much of an amazing guy I am and how I'm going to find the "right" girl and have a great family. She said how I'm going to be such a great dad. Talk about playing with my head. I told her that she was talking about herself because that's ultimately what she wants in the end. Aghhhh!

 

I wish love wasn't so difficult because man do I love this girl. Haha. I know my heart deserves better right now. I'm going to focus on myself in the meantime.

Edited April 4, 2015 by awman
Added some more