4 year relationship done

[ravfour4]

It surprisingly wasn't all that bad. She came over while I was gone and when I got back she was somewhat wasted from a bar crawl earlier and rude and annoying (got all mad and emotional when I just suggested maybe she could get our dog tomorrow instead). It made me happy that I'm no longer with her and made her seem like "any other girl", if not worse.

 

Afterwards she came back over and slept in my bed for a while while I played a few new songs I had written, then left. I didn't really ever feel emotions for her and felt like I'm in a much better position than she is. I'm not sure if it's just temporary, but I actually feel much better right now. She was asking me what I had been up to and kept asking who I went to a concert with and I had told her some women she was like "oh..good" and when I asked her if she was happy now she goes "yeah...I mean, I guess". Pshh....can't believe I fixated over her for so long.

Edited April 11, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

Well, I was super weak today. I only got a few hours of sleep (had to get up at 3 AM) which always makes this harder to deal with and drove to a conference in Chitown. When I got here, my mind was flooded with all the amazing memories we had here. After her laying in my bed yesterday and listening to my new music and wishing me a good time today, I figured/stupidly hoped she'd ask how it was going at some point, then I'd finally have the upperhand! But....she never did. I texted her a few hours later she essentially replied with "cool, I don't really care".

 

I let this make me mad and wanted to text her how much she hurt me, how terrible she is and that she's just blocking out feeling bad because it's too painful and that I never want to see her again...but...she has my dog right now so I bit my tongue. Then I got to the hotel and realized it was one we had recently stayed at (last Oct) and felt all emotional again, looked down and had a text from her. I asked if I could call her quick and she called instantly. I stayed calm and confident on the phone and she was back to her normal nice self, we just both talked about our days and how it was going.

 

I'm torn between 3 thought patterns:

1) She's terrible, tell her how much she hurt you and how you always cared, get your keys back and never talk to her ever again.

2) Chill out, keep hanging out casually every so often and see how it goes (will she ditch the rebound? did she finally realize dating a guy going throug a divorce instead of me is stupid?)

3) Tell her how I feel and talk through it.

 

I know I should probably go with #1, I want to go with #2 and #3 is a terrible idea

[ZiggyZoo]

If you're not sure what to do, don't do anything. You need to get away from the situation, you're all over the place with it. Figure out a long term custody arrangement with the dog, and go NC. Seriously, you're not doing yourself any favors by still hanging out waiting for her scraps. It'll suck, and I know you don't want to, but you need to accept that this relationship is over. Staying sort of friends while you want more isn't being fair to you.

[ravfour4]

Update: I calmed down after getting that rush of memories in the other city and being in a hotel where I'd always call her and let her know what I was up to on many many trips.

 

Yesterday, I never texted her, but she called and we talked briefly about our days, then ended it shortly.

 

Today, I was ready to go NC, I used to text her to make sure she took our dog out (she's forgetful and he's small aka miserable if not let out), but I just figured I'd assume she'd do it and not text her. She texted me, I didn't reply and she ended up calling me at work to ask me about my door since it didn't close well and she was worried, then told me about her day. 3 days in a row of calling me (although the first I prompted her).

 

I just packed up the rest of her stuff and put it by the door. In doing so I saw some nice cards I had written her recently and a necklace I made her with our anniversary on it, I put that on top of her stuff in a non-chalant way to tear her up a little bit and so she can remember what we actually had. Zero hopes for it, just figured... why not?

[ravfour4]

I have a strong urge to break NC and to ask her to do something this Saturday....must resist.

[Riptide91]

I have a strong urge to break NC and to ask her to do something this Saturday....must resist.

 

Yea, I love starting all my progress towards being happy and not hurting anymore over again because I feel like contacting my ex over something extra dumb too...

 

COME ON MAN! I'm not trying to be mean but let's be real, we both know that will do nothing to help here. Stay strong, it's worth it!

[ravfour4]

Got home and she didn't take any of her stuff...wtf? I can tell she went through some of it, but didn't take any....guess her car was full.

 

I agree that seeing her would probably just reopen a wound, I just get this feeling she's missing me or at a minimum doesn't want to cut off all ties (otherwise why insist on having a key to my place and not take all her stuff out after I asked her to multiple times) and that after hanging out a few times she'd question her actions/like me again. That's what happened to me and my ex ex anyways, def didn't work out well after we got back together though lol. I sort of just want her to want me again so I can deny her I think if I said "zoo this weekend?" she'd say yes. Would I want her back after all she did? I really don't think so. Don't worry, I won't break NC until she does and only if her text/call is amazing.

 

Update: Well look at that...she texts me asking to come over and get it tonight. Why not just get it tmrw when she lets our dog out like she does everyday? I feel like she continually wants to see me to make sure I'm still "on the side" for her....I'll prob let her come and act real nonchalant when she's here. good plan?

Edited April 15, 2015 by ravfour4

[ZiggyZoo]

You shouldn't even be there when she comes to get her stuff.

[Cinnamonstix]

Agree with Ziggy. Don't be there.

 

Keep the supply low, and perhaps her demand will increase.

 

Only reason I'm concentrating on her is because I think that's what might motivate you to not stick around. But really, you shouldn't be around for your own dignity.

Edited April 16, 2015 by Cinnamonstix

[Riptide91]

Obviously do what you think is your best bet. I'm also in the opinion of not being there, but you know her better than we do obviously and if you think it's worth a shot go for it.

 

Why you want to take her out on Saturday just to maybe get her feelings going then to just deny her is beyond me, and as for reconciliation? You just said how bad it went with your ex ex.

 

I'm wondering if you really want to move on from all of this or just simply enjoying all these crazy games. I hope it works out for the best ravfour. I really do.

 

Edit: In my opinion she is 100% trying to keep you as Plan B, my ex would fined any excuse she could to make sure she didn't get her stuff from my place because she knew once it was gone, I would also be gone... And I was.

Edited April 16, 2015 by Riptide91
Added a bit

[ravfour4]

Thanks for the opinion all, I told her she could come over and plan to leave on a bike ride after dinner. I'm not sure exactly when she's coming so I may or may not miss her.

 

Since she moved out, ~11-12 days ago, I find it takes me 1 or 2 days of NC to feel fine again (although it was def harder when I was in chicago) and as soon as I start feeling great, she calls or wants to meet up. I haven't initiated contact in 3 days but she has every one of those days, since I've been feeling better I don't mind at least responding as I figure if she was to ever want me back, she'd have to see me being me to start missing me. In the meantime, I've been setting up a lot of fun things to do with friends, a couple dates and overall feeling better besides a few moments of weakness here and there (which is when I come on LS). A part of me just wants her to try to do something to get sweet revenge on that other guy and/or to screw up their already screwed up situation. As I come more to terms with the fact that I very likely would not be able to take her back and trust her and the fact that I really didn't like the person I was the last few months of our relationship and certainly not the 2 months we lived together post break-up, I'm more comfortable being around her and feel little to no emotions pop-up (despite last Sunday when I was in chitown)

 

And I guess I don't want to get her feelings up to deny her, I just want to have the ability to deny her...I guess I crave that power back. Probably not a good thing.

Edited April 16, 2015 by ravfour4

[Cinnamonstix]

Maybe I'm the only one, but I find there is nothing sweet about revenge. At the end of the day, the only one who has to live with you is yourself.

[ZiggyZoo]

Thanks for the opinion all, I told her she could come over and plan to leave on a bike ride after dinner. I'm not sure exactly when she's coming so I may or may not miss her.

 

Since she moved out, ~11-12 days ago, I find it takes me 1 or 2 days of NC to feel fine again (although it was def harder when I was in chicago) and as soon as I start feeling great, she calls or wants to meet up. I haven't initiated contact in 3 days but she has every one of those days, since I've been feeling better I don't mind at least responding as I figure if she was to ever want me back, she'd have to see me being me to start missing me. In the meantime, I've been setting up a lot of fun things to do with friends, a couple dates and overall feeling better besides a few moments of weakness here and there (which is when I come on LS). A part of me just wants her to try to do something to get sweet revenge on that other guy and/or to screw up their already screwed up situation. As I come more to terms with the fact that I very likely would not be able to take her back and trust her and the fact that I really didn't like the person I was the last few months of our relationship and certainly not the 2 months we lived together post break-up, I'm more comfortable being around her and feel little to no emotions pop-up (despite last Sunday when I was in chitown)

 

And I guess I don't want to get her feelings up to deny her, I just want to have the ability to deny her...I guess I crave that power back. Probably not a good thing.

 

You DO have that power though. By going NC and denying her your company, shoulder to cry on, etc. That's the only way dumpees can control anything in the breakup, in the time afterwards.

 

That's good that you're finding other stuff to do. Baby steps, right?

[ravfour4]

Well, went on a bike ride and walk and then she texted me saying she's bringing her computer over so I can get a video I made off of it which will take like 30-45 min...but she's still not here yet. Worst case (arguably best): at dinner with that dude, gonna come over real quick and then dip and/or she ditches out. Best case (questionably): delaying it as long as possible and then asking to stay the night.

[ravfour4]

Eh, it went fine. She was nice, but not overly nice and I found her medicore and not very attractive, although she did smell good. Pretty sure that dude called when she was over and she sounded not excited "oh, uhh..sorry. yeah...see ya". She asked if I was having any ladies over, grabbed all her stuff, joked around a bit and made her laugh, she told me a few stories and then left. I stayed calm and confident and sneakily mentioned the necklace I made her that was lying on the top of her junk, she instantly knew what I was talking about without having to look down (i.e. she saw it earlier today) and took all the stuff that would remind her of us with her, not to say she won't just toss it when she gets home.

 

At this point, I'm excited with all the personal progress I've made and confident and excited to find someone better. The distance between us is enormous given what she did and the week or so apart. She seemed just like every other girl I've been meeting, even though she was acting similar to the way she was when we dated which I was obsessed with just a month or so ago. Seeing her that way (as just another girl) instead of how I saw her a few weeks ago (as my "amazing ex-gf") showed me I've made a large amount of progress and that she's not the one for me. Here's hoping I still feel this way tomorrow. I missed her a bit after she left and we texted back and forth briefly. Back to NC tomorrow.

Edited April 16, 2015 by ravfour4

[spiderowl]

Well, she finally responded. As of now we're meeting for a drink tmrw, if it's hard on me, makes me feel worse, or she's clearly still with that dude, I'm going NC.

 

She's wild and impulsive and has a nasty temper which she takes out on you whenever she's in a bad mood. She's not going to change. Even if she comes back and says she loves you, she will fall into the same pattern again and be back to driving you crazy. Look up 'push pull' behaviour online and you might save yourself further heartache at the hands of this woman.

[ravfour4]

I agree spiderowl, while it'd be nice to have her as an option again, I'm quite confident I would not choose her.

 

I left her a note this morning to hide some stuff since our landlord was showing the place, she drew some pictures on it and texted me. I'm keeping my distance for sure and have a date with a fun and attractive woman I met recently tomorrow Summer and almost 2 weeks apart has done wonders.I also expected her to write something back on that note and when things go the way I predict, I feel much more in control of the situation.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, this is like watching a car crash. What the hell are you thinking being in constant contact? Your whole plan right now is foolish. Stop talking to her and communicating with her. Jesus dude, show some self-control.

[ravfour4]

I see what you're saying, but it moreso feels like a car driving by an old crappier car each day and slowly realizing more and more how crappy it is. The plan was to hang out with her here and there to show her I'm doing well and don't need her (because I finally no longer feel like I do), then disappear. Then I can focus on finding someone new and leave a potential chance at reconciliation later on with me and her (i.e. keeping as many options open as possible). Prob a dumb plan, but as long as I'm happy everyday and not thinking about her all the time, it seems fine to me? She keeps doing tiny nice things and the nicer she is, the further I find myself moving away from her ironically. When I knew/thought I had her the last few months before we broke up, I didn't want her. It was mainly after the relationship when I couldn't have her that I really wanted her, supply and demand lol

Edited April 17, 2015 by ravfour4

[Simon Phoenix]

I see what you're saying, but it moreso feels like a car driving by an old crappier car each day and slowly realizing more and more how crappy it is. The plan was to hang out with her here and there to show her I'm doing well and don't need her (because I finally no longer feel like I do), then disappear. Then I can focus on finding someone new and leave a potential chance at reconciliation later on with me and her (i.e. keeping as many options open as possible). Prob a dumb plan, but as long as I'm happy everyday and not thinking about her all the time, it seems fine to me? She keeps doing tiny nice things and the nicer she is, the further I find myself moving away from her ironically. When I knew/thought I had her the last few months before we broke up, I didn't want her. It was mainly after the relationship when I couldn't have her that I really wanted her, supply and demand lol

 

But you are thinking about her all the time. This is unnecessarily playing with fire and extremely foolish. You're all over the place in this thread, and the constant contact with her is why. It's an awful, awful plan. Cut her off, change the locks, move forward in your life. You aren't showing her you don't need her -- you're being a manipulative fool and trying to fight fire with fire. Except you are giving her support and a safety net. She's better at this game than you. So stop.

 

You're not going to win this. The odds of you being absolutely trampled is high. I mean, this is one of the worst plans I've ever read on this site. You're broken up. Act broken up.

Edited April 17, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Riptide91]

I see what you're saying, but it moreso feels like a car driving by an old crappier car each day and slowly realizing more and more how crappy it is. The plan was to hang out with her here and there to show her I'm doing well and don't need her (because I finally no longer feel like I do), then disappear. Then I can focus on finding someone new and leave a potential chance at reconciliation later on with me and her (i.e. keeping as many options open as possible). Prob a dumb plan, but as long as I'm happy everyday and not thinking about her all the time, it seems fine to me? She keeps doing tiny nice things and the nicer she is, the further I find myself moving away from her ironically. When I knew/thought I had her the last few months before we broke up, I didn't want her. It was mainly after the relationship when I couldn't have her that I really wanted her, supply and demand lol

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm begininng to either go crazy or I'm losing brain cells. I'm 100% with Simon on this one, HOWEVER if this is making you happy and you feel like it is the necessary course of action, more power to you. We all have to do things how we see fit, not by the rules of some people on the Internet. (Which is ironic cuz most come here for advice but never listen) I hope this works for you, but if it doesn't learn from it and try our route. I think the success rate is a bit better. Good luck!!

[ravfour4]

I really only think about her when I text her and she doesn't respond, otherwise she's been out of my mind lately. I've gotten somewhat addicted to coming onto LS to read other's stories etc. and like keeping my story updated so I can look back on it one day and realize how crazy it is. After I vent on here, I feel much better. I also just wanted to make this good impression over the past 2-3 days and cut off contact NOW, not continue this on for the next couple of weeks.

 

The plan at a simple level is move on, but see if you can get your ex to like you at the same time now that you don't care about her as much because you still miss her a little bit. I def wasn't better at the "game" before, but now I feel on top because I no longer care/love her like I did before (finally!). Now it just feels like 1 of 3-4 girls I'm "chasing". I had been going NC the past 3-4 days, but she kept contacting me, which was not happening in the past. I guess you all are saying just go NC 100%, otherwise my minimal contact re insures her that I'm on the side still as an option - is that what you're saying?

Edited April 17, 2015 by ravfour4

[Simon Phoenix]

I really only think about her when I text her and she doesn't respond, otherwise she's been out of my mind lately. I've gotten somewhat addicted to coming onto LS to read other's stories etc. and like keeping my story updated so I can look back on it one day and realize how crazy it is. After I vent on here, I feel much better. I also just wanted to make this good impression over the past 2-3 days and cut off contact NOW, not continue this on for the next couple of weeks.

 

The plan at a simple level is move on, but see if you can get your ex to like you at the same time now that you don't care about her as much because you still miss her a little bit. I def wasn't better at the "game" before, but now I feel on top because I no longer care/love her like I did before (finally!). Now it just feels like 1 of 3-4 girls I'm "chasing". I had been going NC the past 3-4 days, but she kept contacting me, which was not happening in the past. I guess you all are saying just go NC 100%, otherwise my minimal contact re insures her that I'm on the side still as an option - is that what you're saying?

 

Yes, everytime you answer you show her that you are still an option. And "trying to leave a positive impression" on someone who dumped you to pursue a married man that she's been flirting with behind your back just makes you look spineless and nutless. The odds of her gaining more respect for you with your current strategy are low -- the odds of her losing respect for you are much higher.

 

But it's not even about her, it's about you. What is wrong with you and your boundaries that you are basically kissing the ass of someone who did you dirty and disrespected a relationship you thought would end in marriage? She's the one who should be bending over backwards for you, not you for her. I mean, your head is so far in the clouds right now that you don't know down from up.

 

I mean, it's ultimately up to you how you want to proceed. But this whole situation and "plot" is cringeworthy on a lot of levels, from the clumsy attempted manipulation to the lack of boundaries to you being way too concerned about how someone who screwed you over perceives you. Wake up.

[ravfour4]

I agree with most of that. I should remind myself more often how it ended, instead I've been sort of ignoring it to not fixate on the past because if I did, it just makes me upset and made moving on very difficult.

 

I also agree that I shouldn't be interacting with her so much or at all, but given we have been interacting, I think being my calm/confident self is ideal for me and her, she sees that I'm doing just fine without her (it may not seem that way on here, but that's because every single time I'm feeling weak, I come on here to feel better), I'm not being the weak/needy person I was before around her and I'm not being mean/cold either, I'm just being myself, which feels good. I hated the person I was around her before.

 

I agree that she should be the one bending over backwards for me, but I don't feel like I'm bending over backwards for her in anyway. Long story short, I'll stop contacting her to help me get 100% over her vs. the ~85% I'm at right now. I just saw her becoming nicer and nicer as I was myself and figured I'd keep my distance (my texts and contact to her are brief, it's not like I'm like "hey! how was your day!" it's more like "cool thx" and just see what happened vs. cutting her off at this point when I almost feel over her enough that I can picture her with that guy without getting angry/sad. I guess I sort of view it as a game now that emotions are less involved and I should stop that.

Edited April 17, 2015 by ravfour4

[Simon Phoenix]

She's becoming nicer because she thinks you've forgiven her and that you are ready to be her buddy. And you being nicer absolves her of feeling gulity for f--king you over because how bad could it be if he's being nice to me.

 

You're helping her recover and move on more than you are helping yourself. You are exes. Act like it. Take your recovery seriously instead of trying to play stupid games. You are trying to put on a front for her. Stop it. Detach and get yourself together on your own. You don't get points for degree of difficulty in recovery.

 

I know I'm being harsh, but everything about what you are doing sucks. Sorry man.