4 year relationship done

[ravfour4]

I guess, whatever I've been doing the past few days though has been making me feel much better, like I'm moving on more, more sure that I never want her back and ready for something new despite you hearing the contrary.

 

Once the emotions disappeared and I could see things more clearly, I saw how average she is. I don't really care how she feels, I'm just doing what makes me feel better and what helps me move on and trying to stay positive.

Edited April 17, 2015 by ravfour4

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess, whatever I've been doing the past few days though has been making me feel much better, like I'm moving on more, more sure that I never want her back and ready for something new despite you hearing the contrary.

 

Once the emotions disappeared and I could see things more clearly, I saw how average she is. I don't really care how she feels, I'm just doing what makes me feel better and what helps me move on and trying to stay positive.

 

I don't buy it, but to each their own. I feel as if you're feeling the emotional version of a sugar high. But do what you wish. What you are doing is very dangerous to your well-being though.

[ravfour4]

You're probably right. When she still lived here I was way too nice to her inbetween being a total jerk to her, telling her how much I hated her for what she was doing, wishing she disappeared etc. I'm sure it pushed her further and made it easy to get over me. I was trying to be the "bigger" person now after being so crazy during the month after the break-up when we still lived together, but she doesn't deserve it. You're right that I should just stop talking to her completely, she doesn't deserve me being nice at all and there's nothing I'm going to get out of it besides potential hope one day that will just end up in more pain. For too long I justified or at least felt like I understood her actions due to her past etc. and that eventually she'd snap out of it and be back. While that may be true, I should be 100% confident that I would never ever want her back after what she did instead of try to get her to like me again just to have her back as an option. I think in general I like challenges and I hate giving up, which I think makes this difficult for me, even when the majority of my emotions and sadness have faded.

Edited April 17, 2015 by ravfour4

[Simon Phoenix]

You're probably right. When she still lived here I was way too nice to her inbetween being a total jerk to her, telling her how much I hated her for what she was doing, wishing she disappeared etc. I'm sure it pushed her further and made it easy to get over me. I was trying to be the "bigger" person now after being so crazy during the month after the break-up when we still lived together, but she doesn't deserve it. You're right that I should just stop talking to her completely, she doesn't deserve me being nice at all and there's nothing I'm going to get out of it besides potential hope one day that will just end up in more pain. For too long I justified or at least felt like I understood her actions due to her past etc. and that eventually she'd snap out of it and be back. While that may be true, I should be 100% confident that I would never ever want her back after what she did instead of try to get her to like me again just to have her back as an option. I think in general I like challenges and I hate giving up, which I think makes this difficult for me, even when the majority of my emotions and sadness have faded.

 

Re-direct your love for challenges toward the challenge of moving forward and growing from this -- don't fight for someone who did you dirty.

[Riptide91]

Re-direct your love for challenges toward the challenge of moving forward and growing from this -- don't fight for someone who did you dirty.

 

Amen. I don't know how else to help you here, if you've even listened to us at all. I feel this is becoming one of those misery-go-round posts. Do what you feel is right, but honestly this is not how I would do things. She left you and you keep in contact for what? Do you really value yourself so lowly? I refuse to keep posting here anymore, I don't see you accepting any advice and I think Simon is a saint for him trying to help. You seem adverse to anything we try to tell you. I feel like I'm giving advice to a wall. I hope this doesn't destroy you because that is ALL I see happening. Move the **** on already. Stop wasting time trying to get the last laugh.

[ravfour4]

I just said above that he's probably right, that there is no value in staying in contact and that I'll stop. I heard you both loud and clear. Did you not see that post?

[Riptide91]

I just said above that he's probably right, that there is no value in staying in contact and that I'll stop. I heard you both loud and clear. Did you not see that post?

 

I must of read it wrong or missed it, I apologize.

[ravfour4]

Question - I just got home and I'm pretty sure she never let our dog out today. I'm pissed, it means he was miserable all day. Im getting his vaccines up to date this weekend so I can enroll him in doggy day care and I can get my key back. Im enjoying NC today, do I send her a bitchy text about not letting our dog out or do I just wait until doggy daycare and fight the battle go get my keys back then?

[ravfour4]

maybe i'll just wait until I get him enrolled and then she'll come over to let him out and he won't be here and i'll just leave a note saying, leave your keys

[Simon Phoenix]

Question - I just got home and I'm pretty sure she never let our dog out today. I'm pissed, it means he was miserable all day. Im getting his vaccines up to date this weekend so I can enroll him in doggy day care and I can get my key back. Im enjoying NC today, do I send her a bitchy text about not letting our dog out or do I just wait until doggy daycare and fight the battle go get my keys back then?

 

Just wait. No initiating contact. Take care of the dog. And I'd even look into changing the locks in lieu of having a conversation about getting her keys back if she won't give the keys back right away.

 

But yes, time to detach. It's your dog, it's your apartment, it's your life.

[BC1980]

Question - I just got home and I'm pretty sure she never let our dog out today. I'm pissed, it means he was miserable all day. Im getting his vaccines up to date this weekend so I can enroll him in doggy day care and I can get my key back. Im enjoying NC today, do I send her a bitchy text about not letting our dog out or do I just wait until doggy daycare and fight the battle go get my keys back then?

 

The dog now belongs to you. No her. Not the both of you. She doesn't get visitation rights or any responsibilities. Enroll him in doggie daycare (I didn't even know that was a real thing, but it's a good idea), and get the keys back.

[ravfour4]

Needed to ask her who our vet was, she replied right away worried about what happened to him ha. Now I can get his vaccines updated, get him enrolled in day care and good bye ex for good. Thanks for all your support everyone and for opening my eyes over the past day or two that I want absolutely nothing to do with her anymore. I needed that harshness Simon and really appreciate it, the dog was holding us together and once I do this I can cut ALL ties and I can't wait.

Edited April 18, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

So...I finally approached the topic of getting my keys back and asked her whether or not she had taken him out last Friday. She instantly assumed I was trying to steal him away because she didn't let him out and became a huge ass.

 

I tried to be sincere, saying things like ""I just want to figure things out with our dog in a friendly way so we can part ways for good. It's too weird/hard seeing you on and off especially when you're friendly sometimes and distant/angry others. I figured/hoped maybe we could be friends to some extent (hence the text about playing tennis if u wanted to), but it doesn't seem like u want to. I probably shouldn't want to either". I was weak at the end there...idk why I said that.

 

We texted back and forth a little but she would never agree to having the convo, then later on questioned me about some packet of photos of hers that I left her. I threw all her pictures and random cards I didn't want in there, she randomly kept drilling me asking if I put those old cards between us in there this weekend or last week (like why tf does that matter? maybe she started officially dating the dude this weekend or something). I was like I'm just trying to figure out what to do with our dog and whether we should/can be friends, no funny business (I was just trying to be nice to get her to respond and have this conversation). She tossed the pictures (fine by me) and I told her to "stop by sometime this week so we can figure out the dog details and then we can never talk again if that's what you want (seems like it)" and she ignores it again.

 

I'm so frustrated being dependent on her to take my dog out right now and her having my keys. I need to talk to her, on the phone or in person so she doesn't end up going psycho and suing me if I just enroll him in dog daycare AND so I can actually get my keys back, but she's refusing to talk about it, wtf. I hate that we came to this, our relationship was drama free, no dumb break ups and full of love for 3-3.5 years and now it's the typical **** break-up. Why won't she just get it over with and respond and then I'll never talk to her again! What do you think she's doing? Trying to delay it? I really don't want to give up my dog, he's awesome and I feel like then she's screwed me over to the max, but I'm sadly considering it given how annoying she's being. I want to never talk to her again. I think she despises me for letting herself be treated mediocre by me the past few months, I take full responsibility but it was the stress of work and my father's health and her lack of support that drove me crazy. I never intended on hurting her and apologized multiple times during the break-up.

 

Was my "and then we can never talk again" too harsh/emotional? I feel like she'd either feel a "yeah, let's get this over with I hate you" reaction or a "yes, let's get this figured out, but i don't want to never talk again" response, but she's just ignoring the conversation we need to have probably because she doesn't want to give up our dog.

 

On a positive note, I went on a date last night with an awesome girl, but sadly felt minimal towards her because of stupid feelings for my ex. We'll meet up again and see how it goes, but I'll be careful not to accidentally hurt her.

Edited April 20, 2015 by ravfour4

[ZiggyZoo]

Oh, man...do you need her for a few days, to let the dog out? Maybe not doing anything for a little while would be a good thing. IDK what she's doing here, you guys haven't really had a problem with communication before, right? I mean after the break-up.

 

You might have to just enroll your dog in day care, change the locks, and deal with the fall out when/if it happens. That sucks that it'll cause problems, but if she won't talk, then you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yep, enroll, change the locks, all that. You tried to do it directly, she is avoiding you, so you have to make strong moves to get rid of her for good.

[ravfour4]

Yeah we haven't really had an issue, I don't understand her weirdness about this weekend vs before, maybe she started dating or got engaged to that dude? Except he's already married, that'd be embarrassing fast and I've assumed they've been dating for months either way. Or maybe she saw me on that date? She works downtown. I mean she responded multiple times, but never about the dog situation. She kept avoiding committing to meeting up to work this out, but early on when I brought it up she said "ok we need to plan a time that I can see him then" and seemed open to the idea, when I talked about meeting or talking on the phone to do it though, she ignored it. Maybe she'll respond tomorrow, I guess I'm in no huge hurry, she's supposed to watch him this weekend while I'm gone.

 

Maybe the "and then we can never talk again if that's what you want (seems like it)" came off too strong. I was way too tired this morning and for some reason kept fixating on this last night.

 

Can't change the locks since it's an apartment, well I may be able to change the most inner lock, but not the outer door.

Edited April 21, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

Well, I left her a note this morning saying "didn't mean to rush things with the dog yesterday, just want to get his future figured out. thanks for letting him out -my name". If she didn't reply, I was ready to move forward with my plan, acknowledging that she was unwilling to work it out. She responded saying i'll let you know when we can talk - busy week. I'm hoping we can have this one final talk (in person or via phone) to figure out our dog's future and then I can be done with her for good.

 

I'm far enough away from everything now to realize how evil she really was, even if I wasn't the ideal boyfriend, she destroyed her whole life (bf, job, dog, living situation, friends), made this dude's soon to be ex-wife despise her (I imagine pointing out that her husband was with someone else will help in court) and tore me apart while my dad was passing away all because of a few bad months?! It will be easy to cut contact for good once this gets figured out and there is a 0.00000001% chance she'll ever reach out again. I don't even think the best apology and reasoning in the world would convince me at this point, she was literally terrible to me and did zero introspection in regard to what she was doing, how it affected me or why she was doing it. She just fled with her emotions, never discussing the problem out loud and left a wake of destruction behind her.

Edited April 21, 2015 by ravfour4

[JS84]

It's a dog, not your child. You don't have shared joint custody. It's in your possession and she clearly doesn't want it wherever she is. It's yours.

 

Tell her not to come over again and the dog is no longer her concern. Change your locks and figure out a way to deal with the dog that doesn't involve her. Put anything that is hers in some boxes and drop them off wherever she is staying. Block her number on your cell. Remove her from any social media. Stop texting her. Stop getting hard-ons whenever she likes a facebook photo you're in. Stop freaking out when she doesn't text you back, especially since you shouldn't be texting her to begin with. You broke up.

 

I'm sorry but aren't you embarrassed by your behavior? Because I'm embarrassed for you. She has you wrapped around her finger while she's ****ing some married guy. You're like an abused dog salivating for a pat on the head even though the one holding the leash is a ****head. And if it's obvious to us, I'm sure it's obvious to her.

 

Your words seem to be heading in the right direction, but your actions still say otherwise. Now to reiterate:

 

1. TELL HER THE DOG IS YOURS AND SHE WON'T SEEM HIM/HER AGAIN.

 

2. TELL HER WHATEVER BELONGINGS SHE FEELS ARE STILL HERS SHE HAS ONE PARTICULAR DAY TO EITHER COME GET THEM OR TELL YOU WHAT IS HERS AND YOU CAN DROP THEM OFF AT HER PLACE IN BOXES WHEN SHE'S NOT THERE.

 

3. DON'T ASK FOR YOUR KEYS BACK. CHANGE THE ****ING LOCKS.

 

4. ONCE ALL OF THAT IS DONE, DON'T TEXT HER AGAIN. EVER. DON'T EMAIL HER. DON'T LIKE HER FACEBOOK PHOTOS. BLOCK HER CELL NUMBER AND REMOVE HER FROM ANY SOCIAL MEDIA.

 

5. START MOVING ON AND STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF OVER YOUR FLAKE OF AN EX WHO CLEARLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST.

 

Not trying to be a dick, but I was actually wincing reading your posts. You need to change your mindset. To do that you need to change your approach to the situation.

Edited April 22, 2015 by JS84

[ravfour4]

1) She has multiple family members who maintained some dog co-ownership with their ex, it's why she thinks it's acceptable. Her dad's a lawyer, I don't want some court case, I'm trying to be civil about it and fade it to nothing, she only moved out 2 weeks ago. I paid for him, but her name is on the receipt since she picked him up.

 

2) Everything is out, I already made her take it.

 

3) I can't, it's an apartment building and I feel like she'd flip a **** and try to sue me if I did.

 

4) She's been removed from social media for months. I only initiated contact yesterday to figure out this dog stuff. I hadn't contacted her for a week or before that and responded to her texts with brief one two word answers.

 

5) I'm ready to move on, I just feel trapped by the fact I'm reliant on her letting our dog out. I'm 100% sure I no longer want to be with her and despise her at this point, I'm just trying to be nice right now so I can keep my dog and not end up in some legal battle which would suck.

 

I'm embarrassed about how I was when I lived with her, she kept flirting with me and lying about talking to/liking/caring about this guy, it mislead me, especially while my dad was passing away. After the break-up at first, I was ok with it. Once **** hit the fan with my dad, I migrated back and felt like I needed her, she was nice throughout it and it made me re-fall in love. After being pathetic and whining, I switched to confident and calm to show her that I could be my old self (after being an ass to her the last 3-4 months of our relationship). I'm matter of fact and normal with her now, not needy, I wait hours before I respond to her messages and never say anything nice. I vent my true feelings on here. Since she moved out 2 weeks ago, it's been exponentially better, I don't care about her anymore and therefore I don't care what she thinks of me. I'm excited to move on and meet new women, I just want ALL ties between me and her cut, and I don't want to get sued or lose my dog in the process.

Edited April 22, 2015 by ravfour4

[ZiggyZoo]

Hey, I can relate to having ties to your ex. I'm glad for your sake that you're coming around to the idea that she's not adding any value to your life. It can take a sec to figure that out, and that's when people act the craziest. Hang in there, you'll get it figured out.

[JS84]

Again, you need to call her **** on the dog. It's not a child. Either it's yours or it's hers but this "joint custody" thing you seem to have going on sounds ridiculous. Who cares what her family members did or what she expects? If she wants it that badly let her fight for it. You seem to think she'd be far more willing to fight for the dog than she was ever willing to fight for you.

 

And unless her name is on the lease you can change the locks. Even if it is you can still change the locks. Unless she has any business being in your apartment without your permission or knowledge, it shouldn't be a problem anyway. Unless she's trying to get in while you're now there without your knowledge. And if it does become a problem, and her name IS on the lease a copy of the key can always be made for her. At the very least you can let the landlord know she no longer resides in the building.

 

The dog is in your possession thus it is yours. If she wanted it that badly, she would have taken it. And you also need to find some other way to have your dog taken care of that does not involve her. She's the only person on earth who can help you take care of that dog?

 

I have friends who have broken up to after living together who had pets. Guess what??? The pet went with one person or the other. And they didn't "share custody" of their cat or the dogs after the break up.

Edited April 22, 2015 by JS84

[ravfour4]

Good point (about her fighting for the dog more than me), I've just been scared to fight that battle because the last thing I want is him taken away or her trying to steal him, despite her being great while we were together, I now think she's capable of just about anything.

 

Her name is on the lease and the land lord knows she doesn't live here anymore, she didn't want to move out and couldn't afford it, plus her new job required her to live downtown, she wanted to stay another 4 months. I ended up finding a friends place for her to live and saying I'd pay her half of the rent as it was worth it to get her out of here (I can afford it, but it still sucks).

 

We got the dog together and up until the break-up, she brought him to the vet most of the time etc. Going forward, I'll be paying for everything and she's fine with me keeping him, she just wants to see him sometimes. As of right now, she lets him out M-F and watches him when I'm out of town (last weekend and this next weekend) My plan was to slowly reduce that sometimes to never, as I figured she'd end up wanting that anyways...she can just get a new dog with that guy and I'd find a dog walker (almost all my friends work 8-5 at the same place as me, about 25-30 min from my apartment) or enroll him in dog day care to replace her.

Edited April 22, 2015 by ravfour4

[Simon Phoenix]

She can't sue you for changing the locks of your apartment. All you have to do is make sure your landlord/super has a copy of the new keys. And don't pay her rent somewhere else. You have to stop being a doormat dude. It's your dog, your apartment. Get it done, stop dawdling.

[ravfour4]

I meant I'm paying her half of the rent here so she could move out, we had been splitting it here and she couldn't afford this half + rent of a new place. It was worth the money to me to get her out.

 

I tried to get this over with once and for all but she stopped responding and then left the note today where she said she'd let me know when she can talk, I won't contact her until she reaches out. If she doesn't, I'll proceed as planned. If she does, we'll have a convo where I'll try my hardest to convince her I should keep the dog for good, otherwise we'll work out some rare time when she can see him and we won't have to see each other during those exchanges. I'm ready and eager to get this **** over with. I felt like I couldn't go NC being reliant on her to take out the dog, once this is done with, I cannot wait to NC.

[Simon Phoenix]

I meant I'm paying her half of the rent here so she could move out, we had been splitting it here and she couldn't afford this half + rent of a new place. It was worth the money to me to get her out.

 

I tried to get this over with once and for all but she stopped responding and then left the note today where she said she'd let me know when she can talk, I won't contact her until she reaches out. If she doesn't, I'll proceed as planned. If she does, we'll have a convo where I'll try my hardest to convince her I should keep the dog for good, otherwise we'll work out some rare time when she can see him and we won't have to see each other during those exchanges. I'm ready and eager to get this **** over with. I felt like I couldn't go NC being reliant on her to take out the dog, once this is done with, I cannot wait to NC.

 

Honestly, if it means that much to her, just give her the dog as a parting gift and get a new one. Pets are not children, it's not shared custody. Only one of you gets the dog.

 

If you don't want to give her the dog, get a friend or relative to take the dog out instead of her. But yeah, you need to be proactive. Get her name off the lease, change your locks, take care of the dog situation, cut off lifelines, don't increase them. There's no need for all of this drama.