Can't take the fakeness of OLD

[Eternal Sunshine]

Despite having a pretty cool social life and going out more, I am still not meeting any single men. I meet plenty of taken men that I would date, but it seems 99% of the men in my age range are married/in serious relationships. So are the women for that matter.

 

Literally only place where I do meet single men is OLD. I have been too busy to use it much, probably meeting one men in 3 months or so. From all my experiences from OLD, it all feels so forced and fake. You are supposed to meet a complete stranger that you are suddenly dating. I feel nothing for these men, literally nothing. Even if they look good, I need to get to know someone to feel the attraction. And by getting to know, I mean in a natural setting, not 1-1 forced hangouts from the get go. I never feel any chemistry or spark. The ones that look good on paper, I tend to push myself to see but it's hard because I would rather do anything else than spend romantic time with men I am not that into.

 

Just venting and wishing I made dating more of a priority in my 20s. Hope all of you 20 something women take note and don't end up like I did.

[katiegrl]

Despite having a pretty cool social life and going out more, I am still not meeting any single men. I meet plenty of taken men that I would date, but it seems 99% of the men in my age range are married/in serious relationships. So are the women for that matter.

 

Literally only place where I do meet single men is OLD. I have been too busy to use it much, probably meeting one men in 3 months or so. From all my experiences from OLD, it all feels so forced and fake. You are supposed to meet a complete stranger that you are suddenly dating. I feel nothing for these men, literally nothing. Even if they look good, I need to get to know someone to feel the attraction. And by getting to know, I mean in a natural setting, not 1-1 forced hangouts from the get go. I never feel any chemistry or spark. The ones that look good on paper, I tend to push myself to see but it's hard because I would rather do anything else than spend romantic time with men I am not that into.

 

Just venting and wishing I made dating more of a priority in my 20s. Hope all of you 20 something women take note and don't end up like I did.

 

I agree with you...which is why I always hated it as well. You are right, too forced, too contrived.

 

I prefer meeting men spontaneously in a natural setting, and I like the feeling of *wondering" about him. Who is this man I just met who got my heart racing? Is he as attracted to me as I am to him?

 

He asked for my number, will he call? What's he about? I hope he calls to ask me out..so I can find out! I'm excited!

 

It's the mystery, the anticipation, combined with a mutual UNFORCED chemistry that builds attraction for me.

 

I could meet the SAME man on a dating website where the first meet is forced and contrived ... and feel nothing!

 

Go figure....

Edited April 4, 2015 by katiegrl

[writergal]

I agree with you both 100%! And being in my mid-40s, having tried OLD for 5 years with horrible results, I can say that I have no problem being single and never using OLD again. If I can't meet a man the natural way via my social networks, to date, then so be it. But OLD is awful because it is an artificial setting which forces two people to post contrived data about themselves to attract someone of the opposite sex. What about taking time getting to know someone? Why do I need to know that 45 year old Ted's favorite color is red, he's won sailing competitions, and hates gold diggers, right off the bat? When I first meet Ted in a natural setting, all I want to know at that point (over drinks or coffee) is how he knows our mutual friend, or why he joined the Meetup we met at, or if he's having fun at the event where we met. I don't need nor want to know all that personal information that OLD forces people to publish about themselves, putting themselves on display to be evaluated and judged by complete strangers. It's the most bizarre thing in the world. I hated every minute of it.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm in my mid-twenties and i find that it's easier to meet "genuine" people in social settings and in real life than it is to date someone on OLD. However, I am not into the bar and club scene, and most of the men I do click with comes from knowing them in class, or at work.

 

I think in your situation, you can't really rely on OLD especially because online dating has made it so easy to select and move on from people who don't meet a certain looks criteria.

 

You are an attractive woman, E_S, and I know you're a long time LS poster. I think you need to write down what it is you are looking for in a man, besides the physical, and go from there.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I so totally understand how you feel, ES. The reasons you have stated (along with other reasons of my own) is why I have taken a hiatus from dating - especially from OLD. I'm used to meeting people naturally IRL and then taking things from there. But...idk....using OLD sites and sifting through each guy, as if I'm looking through a catalog, just seems....FAKE...and superficial to me. And, it's so weird, to message with someone you don't even KNOW from Adam, then go to TALKING with them on the phone...and then arrange a time and date to MEET a complete STRANGER....and then finally meet them, talk to them and try to get to know them while trying to see if there's any chem, spark or even if you click with them at all.

 

Um, yeah....ES brings up a very good point and topic. I feel that most guys don't think about OLD in this way because, their main end goal is to get sex; whereas most womens' main end goal is to find a guy with whom they're emotionally compatible as well as personality-wise and physically attracted to - passionate sex is just icing on the cake.

 

.

[katiegrl]

I agree with you both 100%! And being in my mid-40s, having tried OLD for 5 years with horrible results, I can say that I have no problem being single and never using OLD again. If I can't meet a man the natural way via my social networks, to date, then so be it. But OLD is awful because it is an artificial setting which forces two people to post contrived data about themselves to attract someone of the opposite sex. What about taking time getting to know someone? Why do I need to know that 45 year old Ted's favorite color is red, he's won sailing competitions, and hates gold diggers, right off the bat? When I first meet Ted in a natural setting, all I want to know at that point (over drinks or coffee) is how he knows our mutual friend, or why he joined the Meetup we met at, or if he's having fun at the event where we met. I don't need nor want to know all that personal information that OLD forces people to publish about themselves, putting themselves on display to be evaluated and judged by complete strangers. It's the most bizarre thing in the world. I hated every minute of it.

 

Agree..and to add, with OLD, you already know, from the get go.. before the first meet even, that this person's MO is to meet ... and click!

 

That's a lot of pressure to put on two strangers meeting for the first time. We either click *immediately*... or buh bye! Ugh!

 

How the hell can two people click under all that pressure.....to click! Or else it's CYA...next!

 

Meeting the SAME person *spontaneously* at a party for example, where there is no pressure to *click* immediately...may result in your actually doing just that --- clicking! For the simple reason there is NO pressure to do so! Your interaction will be relaxed, natural, spontaneous with NO expectation. That is fertile ground for a connection to actually be made.

 

Unlike with OLD where again there IS that expectation to connect. immediately... or it's over right then and there...

 

Hate hate hate it, it just doesn't work for me for those reasons.

 

If it works for some people...then good for them.

Edited April 4, 2015 by katiegrl

[40 Fonzarelli]

For all the ladies in here against OLD, how do you feel about cold approach? For example, you are walking along the street and a random stranger approaches you and introduces himself. My female friend is completely against cold approach and thinks it's weird. She's only open to meeting guys through social circle or work/school.

 

In OLD at least you know something about the person that sparks your interest and isn't some random stranger who you know nothing about. I guess different strokes for different folks. Some people feel more comfortable doing OLD because you can warm up to the person and get to know them a bit before meeting.

[fitnessfan365]

You're just not meeting any guys that have actual dating experience out in the real world. A lot of guys online, use it because they're socially awkward and are afraid to approach women in person. If you meet a guy that's sociable and confident, he'll be like a romantic Rumplestilskin and turn straw into gold.

 

When you're approached in the real world and give a guy you're number, you've talked for all of a few minutes. So it's not like you've had unlimited time with the guy. The only real difference is that you got to see what he looked like and banter a bit. But why not just have that mindset that it's an extended number exchange the first go around? Make the most of it. If you have mis-conceptions and sour grapes going in, you've already defeated yourself. Positive mindset is key.

[katiegrl]

You're just not meeting any guys that have actual dating experience out in the real world. A lot of guys online, use it because they're socially awkward and are afraid to approach women in person. If you meet a guy that's sociable and confident, he'll be like a romantic Rumplestilskin and turn straw into gold.

 

When you're approached in the real world and give a guy you're number, you've talked for all of a few minutes. So it's not like you've had unlimited time with the guy. The only real difference is that you got to see what he looked like and banter a bit. But why not just have that mindset that it's an extended number exchange the first go around? Make the most of it. If you have mis-conceptions and sour grapes going in, you've already defeated yourself. Positive mindset is key.

 

ff I get what you're saying and it makes sense...logically. However feelings are rarely logical..and in trying to determine why I dislike OLD, I have determined it's because I don't respond positively to the *pressure* of having to click ..right off the bat. And if we don't, it's next!

 

It's the pressure that kills it for me. I prefer and respond positively to interactions that are more spontaneous.. and not quite as contrived. I never enjoyed being fixed up on blind dates either for this reason.

 

You don't feel that pressure, good for you! I wish I didn't..it would give me more options! Assuming I ever become single again. :bunny:

[Mrlonelyone]

I totally feel what you are saying OP. I tried online dating recently just to see what's out there. Being the bigender/transgender/genderqueer person I am I got plenty of looks from men and women. Which was nice but to be honest with myself I really wasn't feeling the excitement of it. It was nice to know I am not a bridge troll and can find people on line willing to chat and meet.

 

However, I could not see myself having a relationship out of it. I need a meet cute or an organic naturally developed relationship to really feel good about it. As my signature line says...I like to hang out with someone and see how they really are only then do I really feel like I like them.

 

It could be called friends first and it kind of is. But I mean friends in the most general sense of the word. More like getting to know you for a while first to see that your not insane or cuckoo or a sociopath first. (Not to mention letting them get to know some of the real me too.)

[Gaeta]

Not every body is made for online dating. I don't feel any pressure from it. I go meet them with no expectation, whether it clicks or not I am going there to have a good time. Maybe because I am very sociable and can carry a conversation with any stranger I come across.

 

I do better with online exactly because it's set up ahead of time, I do very badly being approached in person. The surprise factor of being approached cold in real life renders me mute and deaf. Most time I was approached in real I could not reciprocate even if I found the man very attractive.

 

Online, I met many men I felt an instant attraction, when I met my ex-boyfriend it was an instant 'boom' for both of us. It happened because we were both opened to it. You're not gonna find love online if you are closed off and suspicious.

[fitnessfan365]

ff I get what you're saying and it makes sense...logically. However feelings are rarely logical..and in trying to determine why I dislike OLD, I have determined it's because I don't respond positively to the *pressure* of having to click ..right off the bat. And if we don't, it's next!

 

It's the pressure that kills it for me. I prefer and respond positively to interactions that are more spontaneous.. and not quite as contrived. I never enjoyed being fixed up on blind dates either for this reason.

 

You don't feel that pressure, good for you! I wish I didn't..it would give me more options! Assuming I ever become single again. :bunny:

 

I get what you're saying. I think that most women feel this way.

 

But it's up to the guy to bring a woman out of her shell and gently lead the interaction. So that's why I was stressing to the OP that she just hasn't met any men who are naturally good with women to put her at ease. I just show up and treat it like a first date as long as she isn't a catfish. I keep it really light, playfully tease her a bit with things from her profile (women like that you remember), get her talking about bad OLD dating experiences, etc.. It pretty much takes care of itself.

 

When she sees that I am relaxed and confident, she in turns feels relaxed and confident to be playful.

[katiegrl]

Not every body is made for online dating. I don't feel any pressure from it. I go meet them with no expectation, whether it clicks or not I am going there to have a good time. Maybe because I am very sociable and can carry a conversation with any stranger I come across.

 

I do better with online exactly because it's set up ahead of time, I do very badly being approached in person. The surprise factor of being approached cold in real life renders me mute and deaf. Most time I was approached in real I could not reciprocate even if I found the man very attractive.

 

Online, I met many men I felt an instant attraction, when I met my ex-boyfriend it was an instant 'boom' for both of us. It happened because we were both opened to it. You're not gonna find love online if you are closed off and suspicious.

 

Gaeta, I'm confused.

 

On one hand, you say you are very sociable and can carry a conversation with any *stranger* you come across.

 

On the other hand, you say the surprise factor of being approached (by a stranger) renders you mute and deaf?

 

Those two sentiments are diametrically opposed to each other. Can you clarify?

 

For the record, when cold approached, for me, there is no expectation to click. I enjoy talking to strangers too, whether they are married, involved, gay, straight or something in between.

 

Gives me an opportunity to get a "feel" for them WITHOUT the pressure or expectation to click and connect.

 

And to Gaeta, I give you credit for not feeling that pressure and expectation to click... but if you don't mind my asking, why else would you be there? If not hoping (and on some level expecting) to click?

 

Is that not why you're on a dating site in the first place? To meet someone special... and click? Why else would you have joined?

[Anela]

I know what you mean, but I don't think that prioritizing dating in your twenties, is the right idea, either. There are no guarantees of anything working out, unfortunately.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

You're just not meeting any guys that have actual dating experience out in the real world. A lot of guys online, use it because they're socially awkward and are afraid to approach women in person. If you meet a guy that's sociable and confident, he'll be like a romantic Rumplestilskin and turn straw into gold.

 

When you're approached in the real world and give a guy you're number, you've talked for all of a few minutes. So it's not like you've had unlimited time with the guy. The only real difference is that you got to see what he looked like and banter a bit. But why not just have that mindset that it's an extended number exchange the first go around? Make the most of it. If you have mis-conceptions and sour grapes going in, you've already defeated yourself. Positive mindset is key.

 

As for your first paragraph, that's more than possible. But still, even if the guy does have experience in dating and they're sociable, it's still weird (to me) to scroll through hundreds of guys' pictures with captions like I'd do on a catalog shopping for household goods or clothing, y'know?! It's just the FEELING that it invokes within me that's off-putting, not necessarily the action of looking through the selections.

 

As far as your second paragraph, I have NEVER given (and will NEVER give) a guy my phone number after only talking with him (a complete STRANGER) for a few minutes! Unless of course, I had one of those cheapo flip phones with a different number assigned to it; but even then, very doubtful that I'd be that quick about it. I'm not in THAT much of a rush.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence - and that's the mindset I've always had, on OLD and IRL. But, since the last few guys I've dated turned out to either be weirdos, emotionally damaged or just socially awkward, I've decided to bow out of dating for a while; because I want to wait until my outlook on dating goes back to being positive and hopeful while forgetting about the guys on OLD that I've met that turned out to be negative experiences.

 

 

.

[Gaeta]

On one hand, you say you are very sociable and can carry a conversation with any *stranger* you come across.

 

On the other hand, you say the surprise factor of being approached (by a stranger) renders you mute and deaf?

 

Those two sentiments are diametrically opposed to each other. Can you clarify?

 

I can chat up anybody I come across if it's not someone trying to hit on me. If someone tries to hit on me out of the blue I freeze and cannot reciprocate like a normal woman would do. When it comes to men I do better online because it's set up ahead of time, there is no element of surprise. In the past year I can remember 3 times I was approached by men out of the blue, 1 in a restaurant, 2 in coffee shops, and I was unable to reciprocate.

 

And to Gaeta, I give you credit for not feeling that pressure and expectation to click... but if you don't mind my asking, why else would you be there? If not hoping (and on some level expecting) to click?

If it clicks it does, if not no big deal. I don't put a lot of expectation in a 1st meeting, you know my issues are more after 2-3 dates. I know when my friend goes to a 1st coffee she is all stressed and hopes he's going to like her, I don't feel that. I don't feel stress over a 1st meeting and I don't hope he will like me, I know he will like me, I just hope I will like him lol.

 

Is that not why you're on a dating site in the first place? To meet someone special... and click? Why else would you have joined?

Of course I want to meet someone special but I can't force it and control it. After all the dates I went to I've learn to let go of my expectation. If it's meant to be it will unfold on its own whether I worry about it or not.

[fitnessfan365]

As far as your second paragraph, I have NEVER given (and will NEVER give) a guy my phone number after only talking with him (a complete STRANGER) for a few minutes! Unless of course, I had one of those cheapo flip phones with a different number assigned to it; but even then, very doubtful that I'd be that quick about it. I'm not in THAT much of a rush.

 

If you make first contact by being approached out in public, a few minutes to have an initial first impression may be all you have to work with. If a guy has other things going on in his day, has to get back to his friends he's out with, etc, he's not going to have time to hang around there with you for an hour. That's what the point of the date is for. So a cold approach should really only take 5 minutes max just to gauge the guy, see if you're attracted, and if you'd feel comfortable getting to know him better in a public place.

[writergal]

If you make first contact by being approached out in public, a few minutes to have an initial first impression may be all you have to work with. If a guy has other things going on in his day, has to get back to his friends he's out with, etc, he's not going to have time to hang around there with you for an hour. That's what the point of the date is for. So a cold approach should really only take 5 minutes max just to gauge the guy, see if you're attracted, and if you'd feel comfortable getting to know him better in a public place.

 

Ok, ff, or should I call you Dr. FF like as in Dr. Kinsey? The FF institute for Cold Approaches, Online Dating Profile Analysis, and Gender Studies.

 

There is no such thing as a 5 minute cold approach from a guy. That's enough time to pass them on the street, but not to talk to them. Not even in the bar scene. Back in college, I'd go out with my girlfriends to the bars and the single men who approached us sure spent more than 5 minutes chatting to us. The only thing you can gauge about a guy in 5 minutes is limited to his physical appearance as in 1) eye color 2) hair color and cut 3) clothing 4)shoes 5) is he wearing AXE spray or is that just the way he smells?

 

It takes far more time than 5 minutes to gauge whether or not you like someone enough to ask them out on a date.

[Imajerk17]

Very good post.

 

For many men who are looking for a relationship, the toughest part is having a woman feel attraction/connection aka "chemistry".

 

For many women though, getting a guy to be attracted to them is actually relatively easy. Just look like you do in your photos be friendly and smell nice is 80% of it. The tough part is in finding that rare guy whom they are attracted to back and who also wants a relationship and who also is a good person.

 

Anyway its often why a guy and a girl can go out on a "good" first date and then when the guy calls for the second date, the woman is baffled why he is because on her end there was no chemistry, and the guy is baffled why she isn't interested because the conversation seemed to go well and "what more does she need".

 

Its why I think most dating advice for men is focused on "generating attraction". And most dating advice for women is focused on the more "downstream" stuff-- "picking the right guy and not getting involved w Mr Wrong", "The Rules" (which is to keep a guy into a woman supposedly) or even "giving things a chance with more guys". Sometimes the advice for guys is sleazy and sometimes the advice for women is manipulative.

 

This is an overgeneralization of course--there are plenty of times when the guy isn't interested in a 2nd date. But there is a lot of truth. If you are a woman, keep in mind that the pressure to hit it off is pretty much self-imposed.

 

 

I get what you're saying. I think that most women feel this way.

 

But it's up to the guy to bring a woman out of her shell and gently lead the interaction. So that's why I was stressing to the OP that she just hasn't met any men who are naturally good with women to put her at ease. I just show up and treat it like a first date as long as she isn't a catfish. I keep it really light, playfully tease her a bit with things from her profile (women like that you remember), get her talking about bad OLD dating experiences, etc.. It pretty much takes care of itself.

 

When she sees that I am relaxed and confident, she in turns feels relaxed and confident to be playful.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Despite having a pretty cool social life and going out more, I am still not meeting any single men. I meet plenty of taken men that I would date, but it seems 99% of the men in my age range are married/in serious relationships. So are the women for that matter.

 

Literally only place where I do meet single men is OLD. I have been too busy to use it much, probably meeting one men in 3 months or so. From all my experiences from OLD, it all feels so forced and fake. You are supposed to meet a complete stranger that you are suddenly dating. I feel nothing for these men, literally nothing. Even if they look good, I need to get to know someone to feel the attraction. And by getting to know, I mean in a natural setting, not 1-1 forced hangouts from the get go. I never feel any chemistry or spark. The ones that look good on paper, I tend to push myself to see but it's hard because I would rather do anything else than spend romantic time with men I am not that into.

 

Just venting and wishing I made dating more of a priority in my 20s. Hope all of you 20 something women take note and don't end up like I did.

 

I feel like u do at times but actually I do think that relationships that are started later in life have more chance of lasting... the reason it seems harder to find someone is because we have learnt from our teens & 20's what we will & won't accept (we are more secure in ourselves)... I'd definitely not get in a push/pull toxic relationship with "pretty boy" like I would have done in the past so in my eyes.. I'd rather be single for longer to find someone better x (I quite often think "ive been single for ages!" & then I think back & realise that actually there have been quite a few 'interests' along the way but I've decided against them). U just know what u will & won't tolerate now (older & wiser) & there is nothing wrong with that x

[katiegrl]

I can chat up anybody I come across if it's not someone trying to hit on me. If someone tries to hit on me out of the blue I freeze and cannot reciprocate like a normal woman would do. When it comes to men I do better online because it's set up ahead of time, there is no element of surprise. In the past year I can remember 3 times I was approached by men out of the blue, 1 in a restaurant, 2 in coffee shops, and I was unable to reciprocate.

 

If it clicks it does, if not no big deal. I don't put a lot of expectation in a 1st meeting, you know my issues are more after 2-3 dates. I know when my friend goes to a 1st coffee she is all stressed and hopes he's going to like her, I don't feel that. I don't feel stress over a 1st meeting and I don't hope he will like me, I know he will like me, I just hope I will like him lol.

 

Of course I want to meet someone special but I can't force it and control it. After all the dates I went to I've learn to let go of my expectation. If it's meant to be it will unfold on its own whether I worry about it or not.

 

That's a great attitude! Hope the guys you meet have that same attitude. Unfortunately, the guys I met on line did not, and expected me to be in love with them during the first meet!!

 

I am exaggerating a bit, but they were very impatient to say the least. Had a lot of expectations from the get go!

 

One guy told me after meeting me for two minutes his search was over! Ugh! I get I am pretty, but come on now, get a grip why don't ya...

 

Makes it very uncomfortable for me to proceed forward. They're all over me!

 

Can't do it...won't do it anymore.

 

I am happy it works for you though!

[Gaeta]

That's a great attitude! Hope the guys you meet have that same attitude. Unfortunately, the guys I met on line did not, and expected me to be in love with them during the first meet!!

 

I am exaggerating a bit, but they were very impatient to say the least. Had a lot of expectations from the get go!

 

One guy told me after meeting me for two minutes his search was over! Ugh! I get I am pretty, but come on now, get a grip why don't ya...

 

Makes it very uncomfortable for me to proceed forward. They're all over me!

 

Can't do it...won't do it anymore.

 

I am happy it works for you though!

 

Sure the same thing happened to me several times. I got home from a 1st date once and the guy had put on his profile he had met the woman of his life.

 

Hey! I am the one who got kidnapped on a 1st date remember lol

 

I just don't let it get to me.

[writergal]

Sure the same thing happened to me several times. I got home from a 1st date once and the guy had put on his profile he had met the woman of his life.

 

Hey! I am the one who got kidnapped on a 1st date remember lol

 

I just don't let it get to me.

 

Ah, but you are lucky it wasn't a real kidnapping Gaeta. That's happened to quite a few women who online date.

[katiegrl]

Sure the same thing happened to me several times. I got home from a 1st date once and the guy had put on his profile he had met the woman of his life.

 

Hey! I am the one who got kidnapped on a 1st date remember lol

 

I just don't let it get to me.

 

Oh no I missed that one! Good grief!

[Gaeta]

Ah, but you are lucky it wasn't a real kidnapping Gaeta. That's happened to quite a few women who online date.

 

My point is, to do online dating you've got to have a thick skin. Not everyone is cut out for it. I understand OP is not cut out of it, that doesn't mean it's a bad way of meeting a future mate, it's just not a mean suited for her. I hate when people come on here and say they tried online and it's sh!.t, yes it's sh!.t for you, it's a viable mean for meeting for others.