Can't take the fakeness of OLD

[barcode88]

I like OLD just because I don't meet a lot of single women in my day to day life/job.

 

I'd say that I'm pretty sociable, and I've succesfully approached women in real life before, so I'm not using it just to avoid having to approach women. However it IS nice for that reason, first approaches can be nerve racking for a lot of guys lol.

 

In my experience women don't like being approached in day to day life, like out on the street or at the grocery store. All of my best approaches have been with people I would be around often at work, or the night life scene.

[Auspecial]

[quote=KatZee;6252846

 

So the last resort is OLD. In my 3 years doing OLD I've had dates with and come across these guys:

 

1. Recovering alcoholics/drug addicts.

2. Pantyhose Fetishists.

3. Cheap dudes who then believe it's appropriate to ask to come back to my apartment.

4. The dudes who don't want to meet you but just want to be perpetual pen pals.

5. The dude that's only looking for an ego stroke.

6. The dudes who can't take rejection and become aggressive, angry, and hostile.

7. A dude who threatened to kill me.

8. Dudes who have good conversation for hours/days and then just stop talking to you for no reason.

 

I'm sure I can think of a whole ton of other guys I've dated, but I get the "no feeling" thing. If you look up men's websites, and how they talk about OLD, a lot follow this 3-date rule, where if they're not banging the girl by date 3, she's out, because obviously anyone who isn't having sex with a virtual complete stranger by the 3rd meeting is obviously not into you at all.

 

I'm really at a loss on what to do anymore. I've pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm just going to be single. It's been 3+ years and I don't see it changing. I have no prospects, no friends who can hook me up with anyone decent who's single, OLD sucks, and everyone else is married.

 

I guess I just have to sit and wait until the divorces start happening. Maybe by the time I'm 40 there will be some single men available. And if that's the case, I'll just stay single. Not interested in step kids, or being a second woman in someone's life. (I say this half joking, but yeah, it does get to me sometimes.)

 

 

My experience with OLD has been mostly: #1, #3, #4, #6, #8, some in active drug addiction, and quite a few with head injuries. which by the way isn't an automatic deal breaker, but I'm just saying..

 

OLD was better years back. It has gotten worse over time. Its still possible to find a mate, but unlikely, and time consuming!

 

I would never try Tinder, simply b/c of all the men who post on here bragging about how they get laid every day with Tinder.

 

I agree the ones who have a 3 date "rule" just come across as insincere and shallow about actually wanting any relationship where they have any care at all for the woman. The ones who have that rule seem to have an overall attitude of entitlement and controlling aspects to their personalities which I find very unattractive.

 

Don't beat yourself up for spending time in prior relationships. Even though they didn't endure to marriage, I am sure there were positive things about them, or you wouldn't have stayed at all. All those things are part of what makes you who you are today, so what can be "wrong" in that? None of us know what life has in store. You could have married the most perfect man at age 24 and had 2.5 kids and then he got hit by a truck the next day. None of us are exempt from the Human Condition.

 

Maybe try switching it up regarding the demographic you are looking at. If nothing else, maybe a change of scenery will be refreshing.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I can chat up anybody I come across if it's not someone trying to hit on me. If someone tries to hit on me out of the blue I freeze and cannot reciprocate like a normal woman would do. When it comes to men I do better online because it's set up ahead of time, there is no element of surprise. In the past year I can remember 3 times I was approached by men out of the blue, 1 in a restaurant, 2 in coffee shops, and I was unable to reciprocate.

 

No offense, but I think you're reaching a point of regression when it comes to being sociable. I think more and more women are turning to online dating and using it as a crutch...and that women being approached in public, even in a venue where both are there for a common purpose, is not ever opened to being approached out and about.

 

Women tend to prefer to be in control of who approaches, and sadly, they can find that online because there's the "delete" key. There is no such "Button" in a face-to-face encounter. It seems with technology people are more and more preferring they distance themselves with the use electronic devices.

 

I was once at a bonfire meetup, some women had the audacity to get on their smart phones, check their OK Cupid for emails and go over who had emailed them right in front of the men at the event.

[KatZee]

 

Have you ever considered moving to Australia? Men would love you accent! Guys in Sydney and other capital cities never usually expect a super model. I swear.

 

 

If I could move from this city, I would in five seconds. Unfortunately, I love my job and it's strictly NYC.

[mysteryscape]

From all my experiences from OLD, it all feels so forced and fake. You are supposed to meet a complete stranger that you are suddenly dating. I feel nothing for these men, literally nothing. Even if they look good, I need to get to know someone to feel the attraction. And by getting to know, I mean in a natural setting, not 1-1 forced hangouts from the get go. I never feel any chemistry or spark. The ones that look good on paper, I tend to push myself to see but it's hard because I would rather do anything else than spend romantic time with men I am not that into.

 

Just venting and wishing I made dating more of a priority in my 20s. Hope all of you 20 something women take note and don't end up like I did.

 

I wonder how old you are then 30's?

 

Have you tried meetup.com or other social/activity groups likely to have a lot of single men?

 

Re OLD I quite share your feelings, I am a male older than you.

 

The only way to do it is with no expectations whatsoever i.e. it is not "romantic time from the get go." I look at it as best as almost a clinical process at first, with the possibility of getting to know women as friends and later on possibly more, if there is anything more, and I don't count on it, not at all. In other words I purposely detach myself until such time if and when there is evidence that it's worthwhile ascribing more to it.

 

You might ask whether this is just a waste of time, and it might be a oood question! Of maybe a half dozen women I'm willing to spend time with, exactly one is from OLD. None of these "relationships" is probably going anywhere. They offer some kind of reward in each case though.

[mysteryscape]

 

If I saw him on OLD and he was single, I would have most likely clicked next as he is over 10 years older than me.

 

Very true of OLD most women are not interested in much older men. But I find that in meeting in real life, being much older is not such a deterrent. But, women who claim that "age is just a number" usually mean "within a certain restricted range."

[mysteryscape]

You don't think falling in love will come out of meeting this way but...

 

When I met my ex-boyfriend, at the moment we locked eyes I felt a shot through the heart, the world around me froze and all I heard was my heart beat pounding in my chest.

 

But he's now your EX-boyfriend, something must have happened?

[Anela]

Okay, I'm already depressed, and this place is pushing me over the edge. I never expected to be single at this age.

 

Very true of OLD most women are not interested in much older men. But I find that in meeting in real life, being much older is not such a deterrent. But, women who claim that "age is just a number" usually mean "within a certain restricted range."

 

Men do that a lot more often, though, and that's been part of my problem. Men deciding that age is just a number where they're concerned, and overlooking women the same age as themselves, in search of a younger woman.

 

I didn't want to be involved with a man a lot older, or a lot younger than myself. I don't think it should be expected that I date men between the ages of 50 and 60, just because I'm almost 40. I'm so tired of hearing about how women are always the problem, there's always something wrong with us, and how dare we think that we can be choosy?

[mysteryscape]

That night, I saw him across the room and he smiled and we held eye contact. I felt the "spark". All night, we would catch each others eyes and later when he asked me to dance I was feeling

 

Then I found out that he is married That happens every time I am attracted to someone in real life.

 

 

if you're picking men to be interested in who are unavailable? because they're unavailable? Just asking.

[katiegrl]

if you're picking men to be interested in who are unavailable? because they're unavailable? Just asking.

 

If that *is* true, I would not expect ES (or anyone in her position,) to acknowledge that fact without ALOT of introspection and self-analysis first.

 

Those sort of issues are buried deep into our subconscious... and without a lot of introspection, are very difficult to bring to the surface to first acknowledge... and then release.

[40 Fonzarelli]

I would suggest stop looking. Go and pick up some hobbies, join meetup groups, take classes ALL without the intention of finding someone. Just have fun without any expectations and things will happen for you. This is how it's been done since the beginning of time.

[Auspecial]

No offense, but I think you're reaching a point of regression when it comes to being sociable. I think more and more women are turning to online dating and using it as a crutch...and that women being approached in public, even in a venue where both are there for a common purpose, is not ever opened to being approached out and about.

 

Women tend to prefer to be in control of who approaches, and sadly, they can find that online because there's the "delete" key. There is no such "Button" in a face-to-face encounter. It seems with technology people are more and more preferring they distance themselves with the use electronic devices.

 

I was once at a bonfire meetup, some women had the audacity to get on their smart phones, check their OK Cupid for emails and go over who had emailed them right in front of the men at the event.

 

As for checking OLD sites while at IRL event, that sounds pretty silly!

 

Personally, I am reserved but not shy at all, and random people talking to me doesn't bother me at all. I am open to men talking to me and being friendly. Because I am also secure enough to deal with curve balls.

[Leigh 87]

 

If I could move from this city, I would in five seconds. Unfortunately, I love my job and it's strictly NYC.

 

Well I'm treated like I'm beautiful here. It's 100% not me having a big head. I am treated like I am an attractive woman by the average man in Sydney. Deadset.

 

You probably don't believe me.

 

But yeah. Where I come from I am told on a daily basis that I am attractive and I also meet men in real life who have good jobs and amazing personalities AND who tell me they have a huge crush on me and would date me if they didn't have a partner or if I didn't have a partner.....?

 

 

Would you prefer to come to a land where men actually treat you like you're hot and desirable? You have a good job and can find work elsewhere............ Moving and enjoying your new job less but having a loving partner beats the hell out of remaining single for the rest of your days. Or is having a job you're passionate about more important than having a fulfilling romantic relationship?

 

For the record, a guy from Ohio fell for me in Sydney. He professed to me that he found me very attractive. Maybe a local move on a domestic scale could help?????? Even though Australia is better hehe

[katiegrl]

Well I'm treated like I'm beautiful here. It's 100% not me having a big head. I am treated like I am an attractive woman by the average man in Sydney. Deadset.

 

You probably don't believe me.

 

But yeah. Where I come from I am told on a daily basis that I am attractive and I also meet men in real life who have good jobs and amazing personalities AND who tell me they have a huge crush on me and would date me if they didn't have a partner or if I didn't have a partner.....?

 

 

Would you prefer to come to a land where men actually treat you like you're hot and desirable? You have a good job and can find work elsewhere............ Moving and enjoying your new job less but having a loving partner beats the hell out of remaining single for the rest of your days. Or is having a job you're passionate about more important than having a fulfilling romantic relationship?

 

For the record, a guy from Ohio fell for me in Sydney. He professed to me that he found me very attractive. Maybe a local move on a domestic scale could help?????? Even though Australia is better hehe

 

So then what was all that crap yesterday and last night about???? Your lamenting ad nauseum about how *average* looking you are ... and how good guys (that most women want) are NEVER attracted to or "feel passion" for average girls like you ..... and ALL you want is for a nice good guy to find you hot and feel passion for you ....but that ONLY happens to pretty girls, and since YOU are not pretty, and only *average* it can't and won't happen to you until you get a nose job!

 

You said then and only then will you be considered a 8 -10, and guys will consider you hot, and *feel passion* and feel *lust* ...and THEN you will be pretty enough to get a borfriend!

 

Now, today, different day, you are saying something completely different!!!! That LOTS of guys find you hot, feel passion and lust for you, fall for you immediately cause you are so HOT!!

 

So which is it?

 

You are either one of the most inarticulate people I have ever known, or just really confused about yourself and your life .... OR completely full of crap...

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

If you make first contact by being approached out in public, a few minutes to have an initial first impression may be all you have to work with. If a guy has other things going on in his day, has to get back to his friends he's out with, etc, he's not going to have time to hang around there with you for an hour. That's what the point of the date is for. So a cold approach should really only take 5 minutes max just to gauge the guy, see if you're attracted, and if you'd feel comfortable getting to know him better in a public place.

 

I see what you're saying FF, and it sounds logical. However, IRL, I need a hell of a lot more time than 5 minutes to gauge whether I'd want to give a complete and total stranger my phone number. I think in the hypothetical situation that you've described, I'd be more open to HIM giving me HIS phone number; I can always use *67 when I call him. And, I've never ever had a relationship (or even a date) via a "cold approach" from a guy, it had been because I met the guys in question at work, at the pool in the apartments where I lived, at a get-together in a friend's house, at someone's birthday party and online on a talk show website.

 

I have been spoken to whilst waiting in a long line at the post office/grocery store, by the cable guy who installed my turbo internet, by the cashier at a Home Depot, etc. I've also struck up convos with guys in similar scenarios and they've always been light, breezy and fun exchanges with both of us making the other smile or laugh. I'm not shy so I have an easy time of striking up conversations with males and females alike in almost any situation or circumstance; I have a sarcastic and silly sense of humor and love making a person smile or laugh! It's just fun to do, whether something comes out of it or not.

 

 

.

[katiegrl]

Never mind..........

[mysteryscape]

If that *is* true, I would not expect ES (or anyone in her position,) to acknowledge that fact without ALOT of introspection and self-analysis first.

 

Those sort of issues are buried deep into our subconscious... and without a lot of introspection, are very difficult to bring to the surface to first acknowledge... and then release.

 

I quite agree with you, I was really just raising the question, and I'm not claiming I know the answer either -- but it does seem perhaps telling if someone is "always' on "only" attracted to unavailable men. At the very least, a sign that perhaps there is something that could use thinking about.

[fitnessfan365]

I have been spoken to whilst waiting in a long line at the post office/grocery store, by the cable guy who installed my turbo internet, by the cashier at a Home Depot, etc. I've also struck up convos with guys in similar scenarios and they've always been light, breezy and fun exchanges with both of us making the other smile or laugh. I'm not shy so I have an easy time of striking up conversations with males and females alike in almost any situation or circumstance; I have a sarcastic and silly sense of humor and love making a person smile or laugh! It's just fun to do, whether something comes out of it or not.

 

Oh I can tell you have that side to you silly.

 

But imagine that one of those fun, silly exchanges was with a guy that pushed your buttons and that you were attracted to. If you had only 5-10 minutes to work in a line, at the grocery store, etc and he said "We should continue this over coffee time, when are you free?" You wouldn't exchange numbers and arrange plans? After all, a first date is just seeing if any real chemistry is there. So if lightning strikes, you might as well live in the moment.

 

Realistically exchanges out in public are quick like that. It's like when you're in a bar or club and can sit together, have a drink, dance together, etc..

[katiegrl]

I quite agree with you, I was really just raising the question, and I'm not claiming I know the answer either -- but it does seem perhaps telling if someone is "always' on "only" attracted to unavailable men. At the very least, a sign that perhaps there is something that could use thinking about.

 

In the OP's case, I don't think it applies....as it appears she feels attracted to these men PRIOR to her discovering they are married or otherwise unavailable.

 

After she finds out, she moves on...

[KatZee]

I quite agree with you, I was really just raising the question, and I'm not claiming I know the answer either -- but it does seem perhaps telling if someone is "always' on "only" attracted to unavailable men. At the very least, a sign that perhaps there is something that could use thinking about.

 

See, except how are you supposed to even know if someone is available or unavailable? You DON'T.

 

I've met up with tons of guys from OLD that I initially liked, and then come to find out, they were unavailable. Whether it be because of their job, emotional unavailability, or whatever.

 

Most/if not all of these guys from OLD just like to talk a whole lot of hot garbage. They say what they think you want to hear, but when it comes time to step up and play the game, there's no follow through.

 

One cannot be faulted for getting duped by these people, because there is a very little evidence, if any AT ALL.

[Leigh 87]

So then what was all that crap yesterday and last night about???? Your lamenting ad nauseum about how *average* looking you are ... and how good guys (that most women want) are NEVER attracted to or "feel passion" for average girls like you ..... and ALL you want is for a nice good guy to find you hot and feel passion for you ....but that ONLY happens to pretty girls, and since YOU are not pretty, and only *average* it can't and won't happen to you until you get a nose job!

 

You said then and only then will you be considered a 8 -10, and guys will consider you hot, and *feel passion* and feel *lust* ...and THEN you will be pretty enough to get a borfriend!

 

Now, today, different day, you are saying something completely different!!!! That LOTS of guys find you hot, feel passion and lust for you, fall for you immediately cause you are so HOT!!

 

So which is it?

 

You are either one of the most inarticulate people I have ever known, or just really confused about yourself and your life .... OR completely full of crap...

 

 

 

Even though I am average to most people and by societies standards, average girls manage to find a partner who's wildly attracted to us and who thinks we are something special.

 

Average girls find men who are very attracted too.

 

However, it'll take longer to find love if average girls want the head over heels infatuation based love. Where you fall IN love as opposed to growing to love. Where as pretty girls will find this type of love easily.

 

 

And this applies to both online and real life dating. In certain regions average people are far more likely to be paired up with an adoring partner.

[mysteryscape]

 

I didn't want to be involved with a man a lot older, or a lot younger than myself. I don't think it should be expected that I date men between the ages of 50 and 60, just because I'm almost 40. I'm so tired of hearing about how women are always the problem, there's always something wrong with us, and how dare we think that we can be choosy?

 

But I was responding not to you but to ES the OP -- who divulged that she would have passed up someone she found really attractive IRL if he had been online instead. Nobody "expects" you to date older men, it's entirely up to you. But don't "expect" older men not to be attracted to younger women, because that's not the way it is.

 

As it happens, counting up, the women I hang around with one on one -- I wouldn't call them "dates" necessarily -- span a goodly age range, with two within 3 years of my age, and the average about 15 years younger. I find that below a certain age, they just aren't receptive to hanging out even just as friends, or at least are too flakily so, above that age it doesn't make THAT big a difference.

 

It's more or less a free country (or free world), to each his or her own I say.

[mysteryscape]

See, except how are you supposed to even know if someone is available or unavailable? You DON'T.

 

 

I agree that there are lots of scammers out there and most people probably don't have radar for that.

 

But OP seems to indicate a PATTERN of being interested only in unavailable men -- that raises a question in my mind. And I think that some people unconsciously choose this type of person, and have quite good radar or telepathy or whatever for it. I can speak from personal experience. I am not saying it is the case here, just wondering if it is something worth thinking about.

[Leigh 87]

Seriously.

 

 

In certain regions of the world and within your own nation, if you can't find true love and you only get duds from your online dating experiences, the only options seems to be: MOVE.

 

Maybe there are just low quality available men in your area and it has nothing to do with online dating????? Online may not be the problem. The men ES the OP seems to feel the spark with in real life, are questionable married men who are obviously not relationship material................

 

If she met the right guy online I'm sure she'd feel sparks.

 

I'd know. I feel sparks for both online and men I randomly encounter albeit I digress, I prefer range non online random encounters as does most of us........

 

Surely moving to a more single friendly region would solve the online issue????!

 

Or just keep doing what your doing and remain single for life or settle with a man you're not attracted to......

Edited April 5, 2015 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

I agree that there are lots of scammers out there and most people probably don't have radar for that.

 

But OP seems to indicate a PATTERN of being interested only in unavailable men -- that raises a question in my mind. And I think that some people unconsciously choose this type of person, and have quite good radar or telepathy or whatever for it. I can speak from personal experience. I am not saying it is the case here, just wondering if it is something worth thinking about.

 

Yep.

 

I met a man when I was standin in the rain. He gave me a lift to work. We texted all day excitedly and he always got excited over seeing me it was obvious that he was dying to see me.

 

He confessed he had a girl he'd just started seeing but explained plainly that he did feel strong sexual chemistry and that we really " clicked " on that level.

 

Some men will do the right thing and tell you their technically unavailable. Even if their actions show that they are sort of contemplating that you could be a better choice than their current prospect. We hang out and there is no temptation to fool around as we aren't into cheating....

 

So I guess even though I'd cut the guys dick off if I were the girl he's casually started seeing and he has admitted he's unsure about, at least he told me about her and he refuses to cheat as do I ( I refuse to be part of it).

 

Is it any better if an unavailable man admits as such under these types of circumstances??????

 

He tells me many times each hang out that he thinks I'm gorgeous and he would love to see where things could go if he is to ever become single.

 

I believe this unavailable man is clueless.

 

He said he wouldn't care if him and his girl ended tomorrow. He purportedly doesn't vet invested until he gets to know a girl.

Edited April 5, 2015 by Leigh 87