Men!! Why don't the good ones ever come back??

[Cupcake]

I have an XBF whom I didn't see or hear from for over a year after our breakup. Mainly because I moved to a different city to attend college. Then, my XBF moved to that city, got a job, and an apartment. He looked me up, found me, and we were friends for about seven months. We dated a lot and eventually started having sex again, but there was never any real commitment. Soon afterwards, I discovered that he had a GF when I called his apartment one day and she answered and confirmed that she had just moved in with him. I confronted him about it later and he apologized for not telling me he had a GF. They had been having problems and he thought they were going to break up. He didn't want to risk losing me again, so he lied.

 

Oh well! He lost me anyway. I wasn't really hurt since he had already cheated on me before. It had taken me almost a year to get over him. Even after he came back, I still didn't love him like I had before. I was happy while we were friends, but I was disappointed that he had lied about having a girlfriend, and cheated on his girlfriend with me. Walking away from him the second time was easy. Right now, it's been four years since I last saw him or heard from him. I doubt our paths will ever cross again.

 

My last XBF came back into my life after six months of NC. He pretended to be interested in working on a second chance. I say pretended because he was already engaged to marry someone else, but he cheated on her with me while we were together after our break up. For the next two months, he called me every other week to tell me how much he missed me. He broke off the engagement with his GF, but they are still together. She called me once when she found my number. I told him that I didn't want to be involved with him at all unless he was seriously interested in us working out the problems that caused the break up in the first place. As long as he had a GF, our progression was impossible. Right now, it's been 4 1/2 months since I've seen him, and a month since I've heard from him. Honestly, I don't think I would agree to a second chance if it ever comes along in the future.

 

I don't understand why people walk out of my life and then come back with the same issues that made me push them away in the first place. Do they think I will have changed my mind and decided to settle for second best? It seems that way, especially since I've never had a man come back to me with a completely clean slate. The good ones never change and come back. They always regret their mistakes and move on. Why is it that the bad ones usually come back, and not the good ones?

 

My last XBF had at least three really, really, amazing XGF's. I know this because of the way he regreted having hurt them so badly in the past. If a bad guy ever changes and decides to go back to a relationship that he ruined in the past, which one is he likely to go back to for a second chance.

[Universe]

Most people (not just men) get so wrapped up in how a breakup affects them and how hurt they are by it, that they don't start trying to empathize with the other person until it's much later... and usually too late.

 

In my experience as a male and talking with other males about relationships (I'm gonna go ahead and claim that I am one of the good guys.) the most common scenario is this:

 

The relationship turns bad for some reason. The two parties are no longer giving what the other needs. Most men are better at communicating on paper (visually) than verbally (aurally) while women are usually better at communicating verbally than in writing. Unless it's a long distance relationship, letters are rarely used to communicate. So the woman usually brings up the issues in the relationship during conversation. The man usually has trouble communicating what is really on his mind. When the exchange is over, the woman feels misunderstood because she is. The man feels that demands are being put on him and is defensive.

When it comes to a breaking point (usually initiated in one form or another by the woman), the man feels so hurt and rejected he becomes very selfish and irrational. After disgracing and embarrassing himself by begging and pleading the woman to come back (effectively making himself extremely unnatractive) the woman is so turned off by his selfish behavior she is driven even further away. Men usually don't have the strong network of close friends who can offer emotional support that women usually have. He is so hurt, humiliated, and alone that he seeks the quickest easiest solution. Men are usually problem solvers more than empathizers. So he fails to empathize with the woman effectively making reconciliation impossible. As a problem solver he seeks out a rebound which helps him to overcome his humilation, hurt, and loneliness. After the rebound doesn't workout, he finds himself alone. But at least now his hurt and humilation have subsided and his mind is now free to think rationally about what has happened. He actually begins to empathize with the woman. In empathy he sees very clearly how he did not give her what she needed and how his love fell short. But he has been such a jerk throughout the breakup that he's either pushed her too far away or his embarrassment for the way he acted is too strong to go back to her. In his efforts to get over her he has found that he has many options in female companionship. He's also seen how the woman fell short in satisfying his needs. Since they are no longer together and he has pushed her so far away, the two are unable to discuss what happened.

It is usually much easier for a woman to find a rebound than it is for a man. Any woman can go out any night of the week and depending on her standards, she can bring a man home with her. This makes it easier for her to move on, but more importantly on the man's end, he sees this as the bitter end. Most men see the moment when the woman makes that conscious decision to sleep with someone else as the true end to the relationship. Most men cannot get past this. If the can, the choose not to. So when a man discovers that the woman has started having sex with other men, he forces himself to bury his hopes for reconciliation.

Usuallly the experience of having his heart broken is so traumatic that he is super overly cautious about committing to another relationship especially with the same woman. But he's learned so much from his past mistakes that when another woman gets involved with him, he is so good at being in a relationship that they don't break up. The fact that they don't break up is the reason he doesn't go back to the original woman.

 

Obviously there's a million different ways these things can unfold. But all the men I know who I think are "good guys" within relationships have been through the above. They all regret that they can't go back to that relationship that made them learn and do it right the first time. But it's usually too late and their lives as well as the lives of the woman they were with have taken turns that take reconciliation out of the cards. In my case, I Knew better than to beg and humiliate myself. I kept my selfishness in check and I learned the importance of empathy early on in the breakup. So after going through something very similar as the above, I found myself in a situation where my ex and I were very good friends and communicating as well as ever. We're not officially back together, but after almost 7 months apart we're hooking up and have agreed to have sex with each other exclusively. We're taking it slow and focussing on giving each other what we need and not making demands.

 

So i think the reason that in most cases the good guys don't come back is a simple matter of bad timing. They ruin it for everyone except for the lucky girl they end up with.

 

BTW- I think you know this, but I just want to make my opinion on this matter clear....These exes of yours who cheat are not good guys. I wouldn't hope for any of them to come back. Just my opinion.

 

That's my theory anyways. I could be wrong.

[Cupcake]

Universe, that's pretty amazing.

 

These exes of yours who cheat are not good guys. I wouldn't hope for any of them to come back

 

I definately don't want them to come back the same as they were. I'm just considering the fact that they may change and become "good" guys in the future.

 

I have one XBF whom I dated before. He was a bad guy while we were together. I was very spiritual, and he wasn't. But I really liked him. One day, without warning, he just stopped contacting me. I called him a few times and he was always busy. Eventually, I stopped calling and I never saw or heard from him again.

 

Now, years later, he has become spiritual, and he's married with a child. I saw him and his family at a shopping mall recently. He hugged me, and apologized for the way he treated me. He was really happy to see me and he wished me all the luck and success in the world.

 

All I could think about was how much horror I've had with relationships since I broke up with him. I had moved on with my life, but I thought of him often during those other horrible relationships. If he had come back to me as the man he is now, I would have given him a second chance.

 

I guess all of this bothers me because I'm still single. I've had two failed relationships since the breakup with the now "good" XBF, and I'm still single. Yet he changed and managed to have everything I dreamed of while I was with him, and I'm still dreaming of now. It seems that every man I meet learns some type of lesson with me. Then they express what they learned to someone else instead of me. The only thing I ever learn from them is how much worse relationships can be. Each one gets worse and worse.

 

Will I ever meet a man who has already learned how to be a "good" guy instead of making all his mistakes with me? Actually, both my recent XBF's told me about all the mistakes they made with other women before me. They had been bad guys. I was convinced that they were "good" guys until they started doing to me, the same things they had done with all the other women before me. How will I even KNOW a real good guy if I meet him?

[Weird]

Sounds like you flatout cant or choose not to be with good guys and are attracted to a**h***s. Seems the majority of females are the EXACT same way...say they want a good guy but when given the opportunity they never go for the good guy and go for the a**h*** and then end up getting screwed over (and act surprised by it) and start to complain about why they cant find a good guy when the reality is they can. Weird...but that's humans for ya!

 

All I can say is change the criteria for the guys you date. Pretty simple;)

[Universe]

Sounds like you flatout cant or choose not to be with good guys and are attracted to a**h***s. Seems the majority of females are the EXACT same way...say they want a good guy but when given the opportunity they never go for the good guy and go for the a**h*** and then end up getting screwed over (and act surprised by it) and start to complain about why they cant find a good guy when the reality is they can.

I think this logic is what dooms potential good guys from ever really landing the good girls. There are lots of potentially good guys out there. But I say potentially because while they are good at heart and have all the basics down like not cheating, they fall short by not trying to really understand how a woman wants their man to be. Yes, generally women want men to be considerate, loyal, and responsible. This is where the a-hole guys fall short. But where the a-hole guys have the good guys beat is in their audacity, mystique, strength, lack of need, and lack of insecurity. Women get annoyed with nice guys when they find out that deep down, the nice guys lack the same thing that the a-hole guys lack: the desire to pay close enough attention to give the woman what she really needs both emotionally and sexually. At least the a-hole guys are more confident and make things more fun for the woman. Nice guys are just boring and fail to stimulate attraction in women.

A lot of good guys, myself included, stumble around whining about how girls only like a-hole guys. But when in a relationship, we fail to embody the qualities women are really looking for. Just because we treat them well and do not cheat on them does not make us good lovers. A good male lover will explore the emotional and sexual psychology of the woman and play with it in a way that entrances and excites her. Good guys disappoint women the same way a-hole guys do by getting too wrapped up in their own pleasures and their own needs within the relationship. Sure, the man should enjoy the woman, but he has to embody all the traits that she can enjoy...not just being nice and loyal, but sexy and fun.

 

So if "good" guys spent less time whining about how women only date a-hole guys and spent more time actually studying up, observing, and learning about what women need and want, they'd find themselves preferable to a-hole guys any day of the week.

[gwennebe]

Maybe you are too easy with them. By saying easy, I mean you didn't stand up for yourself enough while dating. Maybe not putting up with any bull**** would make it easier to weed through the jack asses. You sound like an intelligent attractive girl and you don't need to settle for anything but the best.

[Cupcake]

Maybe not putting up with any bull**** would make it easier to weed through the jack asses.

I have usually been very bold about my needs and not taking any crap. I would tell them how they hurt, offended, or upset me with their lying, cheating, or whatever. Usually, they would cry and make me feel sorry for them. That made it hard for me to just walk away. Even then, I didn't want to risk being so intolerable that I lost a possibly good man. I only broke up with them after years of seeing no changes in their behavior. Consequently, after I broke up with them, they changed, but not for me.

 

I totally agree with Universe that perhaps the good guys lack the fun and sexiness that bad guys have. The criteria that I like about a man is the fact that he can make me smile and laugh. He has to be sensetive to my needs. I like for him to have good communicational skills so we can work anything out. If I tell a corny joke, I want him to tell me the joke was corny without making me feel like the worst woman in the world. I try to be extremly understanding, and secure with everything. I like a man who will not take advantage of that. A man who will appreciate all that I have to offer. A man who will be satisfied with me.

 

Every guy I've dated had all of these qualities. They were alot of fun until I realized that they had betrayed my trust. Other than that, I was happy and satisfied. My last XBF, if he would have stopped lying to me and cheating on me, he would have been the perfect guy for me. He doesn't have much to change! But if he ever does change, I wish he would come back to me instead of sharing all his goodness with someone else.

 

Maybe I don't know what a good guy is. It seems to me that the good guys know they are in high demand. Therefore, they can have practically any woman they choose. That is why they have a hard time settling for just ONE woman. They have almost every woman they meet throwing themselves at them. Or they feel the urge to SAVE every woman who has ever been hurt by a bad guy.

[gwennebe]

hmmmm. Well, all I can say is I'm sure there is a FANTASTIC guy out there just waiting to meet you. When you meet him you will be glad none of your exes came back

 

Don't beat yourself up over your past. Don't worry about them. Look at it this way, maybe you are such a great person that you may have helped your past boyfriends reform and maybe they feel so bad about what they did to you that they feel to guilty to try again for fear they may fail again.

 

Does that make any sense? Regardless I would concentrate on you and what makes you happy. Do the things you love to do and maybe the right guy will come along. I have a hard time being attracted to the nicer guys also unless they are really hot. I think a lot of times really cute guys aren't as nice because they dont' have to be. They can still get girls. Nice guys sometimes overcompensate because they don't have as much confidence. NOT SAYING THIS IS TRUE IN EVERY SITUATION JUST A GENERALIZATION SO DON'T ATTACK ME ANYONE. I always go for chemistry first and foremost. I've dated unattractive guys I've had chemistry with. I don't know.... It's all so confusing....

[Universe]

My last XBF, if he would have stopped lying to me and cheating on me, he would have been the perfect guy for me. He doesn't have much to change!

Guys who cheat don't change. People who betray the ones they love have a deeper rooted character issue. No relationship can exist without trust. People who are capable of that type of betrayal are a different breed and should only date people of the same persuasion. Cheating on someone shows a profound lack of love and reveals an extreme lack of self-love.

Don't ever think people who cheat can change. It's part of who they are. Either embrace it, or don't engage in a sexual relationship with them. It is possible for them to change, but it's so hard for them to do so that they almost never do. Don't ever expect that they will.

Therefore, they can have practically any woman they choose. That is why they have a hard time settling for just ONE woman. They have almost every woman they meet throwing themselves at them. Or they feel the urge to SAVE every woman who has ever been hurt by a bad guy.

It's not that they can have every girl they choose. It's that they haven't yet figured out that the secret to happiness is in the quality not the quantity. I've talked to a lot of girls (especially lately) about there sexual relationships with different guys. The one thing that ALL woman tend to agree on is that guys who sleep around a lot are surprisingly bad in bed. Yes, they're confident. Yes, they are comfortable with themselves and put women at ease. These two factors are the most important things during sex. But beyond that, they are usually very selfish and unimaginative in bed. So the romance fizzles out quickly for both parties and then it's time to find someone new.

I was with my ex for 5 years. We broke up and she quickly went to an older guy who had slept around a whole lot. Since then she openly admitted that sex with the new guy didn't even come close to comparing with me. A few months after telling me this, she and I hooked up. We didn't even have intercourse, but I still made her orgasm harder and longer than she had in years (maybe ever). I could do that because I know her so well and can pay attention to her true needs. I didn't learn that from sleeping with multiple partners. I learned that from focussing on the quality of time I spend with her, not the quantity.

"Good" guys know this.

 

BTW - If you haven't noticed by now, I have a huge ego.

[Cupcake]

...guys who sleep around a lot are surprisingly bad in bed...they are usually very selfish and unimaginative in bed.

The sex with all of my X's was great. My last X was the best. The fact that I loved him made it better. He was very attentive to my needs. I don't know how he did it, but he was also attentive to the other women's nees as well. That is the reason all of his XGF's stayed around for the sex with him. They accepted the fact that he would never be faithful to them. They couldn't find anyone else to replace him, sexually. So they decided that just sex with him was better than nothing. And of course, he had women who had never been in relationships with him. Those were women who agreed to just sex, right from the start.

 

He was confident and knew how to please women. That was his gift. In addition, he had almost every other quality that most women want: a good job, good money management skills, great communicational skills, great business skills, very professional, very down to earth, attrative, responsible, ect... The only women who were disappointed with him were the women who wanted more than sex with him, like me. All the women who accepted his cheating, they remain happy with just a sexual relationship with him. He offered me this same arrangement in order to keep me from being totally deprived, but I refused. Now, I have nothing with him. No communication. No attention. No sex. No contact. No nothing!! Even worse, I don't have anyone else to replace him.

 

Universe, I totally understand what you are saying about cheaters never changing, but I just don't see a person like this remaining this way forever. How can they ever be happy? Certainly, getting and keeping women is not a problem for my XBF if he should ever decide to marry. He wants to have a wife and family some day. It seems that he isn't ready for that right now, so cheating is okay since he knows he's not ready. In his mind, he's not cheating since he's not married to anyone. But when he is ready to get married, he will stop all the womanizing and be faithful to the woman he loves.

 

Maybe, just maybe...he has never been in love. What do you think??

[Universe]

In his mind, he's not cheating since he's not married to anyone. But when he is ready to get married, he will stop all the womanizing and be faithful to the woman he loves.

Trust me. If he's all the things you described, he will never stop womanizing. If he gets married it will have to be to a woman who is okay with him sleeping with other women. I've seen this so many times. He will continue to have multiple partners until he is no longer physically able.

Maybe, just maybe...he has never been in love. What do you think??

Maybe. Maybe he's never been in love. But like I said, it doesn't matter. Even if he ever does fall in love, it won't work out unless she is the type of woman that can deal with the type of man who will have extramarital affairs.

 

You can't change people. They are who they are. Yes, people do change, but the change comes from them, not you. And he will only change in ways he wants to, not in ways that you want to. And most of the time, when people do change for another person, the other person falls out of love because they were really in love with the person for who they were and not for who they wanted them to be.

 

You really have to search your soul and get a handle on who you are and what you want and most importantly what you need. No matter how in love you are, you will never be happy with someone unless they can give you what you need and vice versa.

 

To ammend my previous post: There are some Cassanovas out there who are just great lovers. These men are irresistable and can really give a woman what she needs. But most men who sleep around a lot do not fall into this category. The Cassanova types are rarities and have trouble forming lasting relationships.