Would You Want To Know If You Were Cheated On

[jbrent890]

I created a thread a while back about the reasons people choose not to confess. One of the reasons that constantly came up on that thread and others like it was because the cheater felt that they were protecting the betrayed. Whenever I responded with what if the betrayed wants to know, the question was always avoided. So what say you? Would you want to know if you were cheated on? For me, yes, I would want to know. For those of you who don't know my story, my wife cheated years back and I found out about it a few months ago. To say that I was pissed about it would be an understatement. The thing that upset me the most though is that she took away a decision that should have been mine to make. Whether I stayed or left, that was my decision to make. She gave me the I didn't want to put my guilt on you response. She wanted to suffer in silence. Thankfully, she now admits that was a crock of sh*t and that she just didn't want to face the consequences of her actions. I'm interested to hear what everyone has to say about this topic.

[SerCay]

She gave me the I didn't want to put my guilt on you response. She wanted to suffer in silence.

 

I get this.

 

Way too often people confess to cheating to relieve themselves of guilt.

But I also do not believe that people actually ever feel guilty for cheating.

 

Imo, affairs should be told because feelings are involved. But a one night stand? No, that's guilt relieve.

 

Cheating is wrong anyway though..it's always a choice.

[jbrent890]

I get this.

 

Way too often people confess to cheating to relieve themselves of guilt.

But I also do not believe that people actually ever feel guilty for cheating.

 

Imo, affairs should be told because feelings are involved. But a one night stand? No, that's guilt relieve.

 

Cheating is wrong anyway though..it's always a choice.

 

To be honest with you, I could have cared less about her guilt. I can see if the betrayed would not want to know, then yes it is wrong to push the guilt on to them, but if the betrayed would want to know, I think the whole guilt thing doesn't matter.

[Noirek]

Fwiw which isn't much.

 

What we want and what is beneficial for us aren't alwaysthe same. Most people say they want to know. If you know there is something to know usually you do want to know it. However, i think never knowing or suspecting is the happiest and healthiest way to live. Do people live like that until the end of their days? You betchya. Would they be "better off knowing?" Ummm no, that takes some twisted thinking. All that being said do I think the vast majority of people who have cheated, broke it off and then swallowed their guilt actually made it? No, I don't. I think it comes out a lot, down the road. And then all those good memories are tainted and destroyed by "living a lie". (Something I personally only thing is true during an active affair). Therefore, telling seems the best bet for many people. Because if it is going to come out, sooner is better than later.

 

I am a cheater. My husband knows. I believe now it would have been better for him not to have known. The best would have been me not cheating. But once that bridge was crossed, i should have sucked it up and kept it to myself.

[autumnnight]

Part of me thinks maybe I didn't WANT to know. But I needed to know. Knowing it helped me close the door for good.

[jbrent890]

Fwiw which isn't much.

 

What we want and what is beneficial for us aren't alwaysthe same. Most people say they want to know. If you know there is something to know usually you do want to know it. However, i think never knowing or suspecting is the happiest and healthiest way to live. Do people live like that until the end of their days? You betchya. Would they be "better off knowing?" Ummm no, that takes some twisted thinking. All that being said do I think the vast majority of people who have cheated, broke it off and then swallowed their guilt actually made it? No, I don't. I think it comes out a lot, down the road. And then all those good memories are tainted and destroyed by "living a lie". (Something I personally only thing is true during an active affair). Therefore, telling seems the best bet for many people. Because if it is going to come out, sooner is better than later.

 

I am a cheater. My husband knows. I believe now it would have been better for him not to have known. The best would have been me not cheating. But once that bridge was crossed, i should have sucked it up and kept it to myself.

 

Even if your spouse would want to know you wouldn't tell him?

[Noirek]

Even if your spouse would want to know you wouldn't tell him?

 

If my spouse hypothetically thought he would want to know? And I could hypothetically handle not telling? I'd keep it to me.

 

But if my spouse suspected or asked. I would tell. Gaslighting is not my style.

[No Limit]

Of course I'd want to know. The sooner the better; then I'd quickly dump him and get a STD test done.

[Furious]

I created a thread a while back about the reasons people choose not to confess. One of the reasons that constantly came up on that thread and others like it was because the cheater felt that they were protecting the betrayed. Whenever I responded with what if the betrayed wants to know, the question was always avoided. So what say you? Would you want to know if you were cheated on? For me, yes, I would want to know. For those of you who don't know my story, my wife cheated years back and I found out about it a few months ago. To say that I was pissed about it would be an understatement. The thing that upset me the most though is that she took away a decision that should have been mine to make. Whether I stayed or left, that was my decision to make. She gave me the I didn't want to put my guilt on you response. She wanted to suffer in silence. Thankfully, she now admits that was a crock of sh*t and that she just didn't want to face the consequences of her actions. I'm interested to hear what everyone has to say about this topic.

 

 

 

I remember sitting in my doctor's office in tears and asking for Std testing. It was humiliating and I was sacred. I was lucky that the results were clean. Our bodies and choices were denied. For anyone to assume that they wouldn't want to know if they'd been cheated on....or for a cheater to decide on your behalf without your knowledge to share bodily fluids with a stranger is beyond cruel.

 

Ironically, many ow/om would probably want to know if they were not the only ow/om. It's a strange mindset that cheaters have, kind of like a bugler who gets pissed off if their place is robbed.

 

Cheaters are risk takers and it's beyond selfish to risk the health of their spouse in taking risks. I cringe when I read how cheaters justify not telling, it's like they live in a bubble of self entitlement and yet claim it's to protect their spouse from unnecessary hurt. Yeah....ignorance is bliss, but it's the cheater who is ignorant.

[purplesorrow]

Yes, I would like to know.

[autumnnight]

Ignorance is not bliss. It is torture. I knew for at least 3 months that something...SOMETHING was wrong. I couldn't shake it. I felt terrible for being insecure.

 

I feel awful about every time I tried to put someone who was cheated on long ago in their place, suggesting they should move on. I have lived through several tragic deaths, assault, rejection over years, and divorce. Nothing made me double over and wail like an animal the way I did when I found out he had cheated.

[Furious]

Ignorance is not bliss. It is torture. I knew for at least 3 months that something...SOMETHING was wrong. I couldn't shake it. I felt terrible for being insecure.

 

I feel awful about every time I tried to put someone who was cheated on long ago in their place, suggesting they should move on. I have lived through several tragic deaths, assault, rejection over years, and divorce. Nothing made me double over and wail like an animal the way I did when I found out he had cheated.

 

I get what you're saying, life and tragedies happen, when you lose a loved one, like when my brother died, it was and is a deep and sorrowful loss. The thing is mourning him, feeling sad that his young life was cut short, still lingers in my heart. But...when I was deceived by my husband it was a different loss, it was deliberate , it was cruel. Infidelity, is like like a living death that rips into your being, it knocked me off my foundation, it made me question everything and yet I am glad I found out. It took time, but am myself again, and I appreciate life and the beauty of life even more.

[autumnnight]

I get what you're saying, life and tragedies happen, when you lose a loved one, like when my brother died, it was and is a deep and sorrowful loss. The thing is mourning him, feeling sad that his young life was cut short, still lingers in my heart. But...when I was deceived by my husband it was a different loss, it was deliberate , it was cruel. Infidelity, is like like a living death that rips into your being, it knocked me off my foundation, it made me question everything and yet I am glad I found out. It took time, but am myself again, and I appreciate life and the beauty of life even more.

 

Ismile more today than yesterday. But that feeling of being a fool and having your heart ripped out is always under the surface.

[jbrent890]

I get what you're saying, life and tragedies happen, when you lose a loved one, like when my brother died, it was and is a deep and sorrowful loss. The thing is mourning him, feeling sad that his young life was cut short, still lingers in my heart. But...when I was deceived by my husband it was a different loss, it was deliberate , it was cruel. Infidelity, is like like a living death that rips into your being, it knocked me off my foundation, it made me question everything and yet I am glad I found out. It took time, but am myself again, and I appreciate life and the beauty of life even more.

 

And yet it is masked with I'm trying to protect you. I look at it this way, if the BS needs protection from the WS, then maybe they are better off not having the WS in their lives. There has been on one WS on this site since I gave been here that said she didn't confess because she was scared of the consequnces. I respect that because at least she was honest. Nothing aggravates me more when the WS uses the BS as a shield for not telling.

[truncated]

I would want to know.

 

you only get one chance at life, and people have the right to expect honesty from the one person who is supposed to be there for them. To my way of thinking, it's a sign of respect, of giving that person the right to make choices about their life.

 

Even a one night stand would count. I would want to know, as it would give me information. He cheated once, he could do it again. He did it because he had too much to drink? ( a common explanation given) then I would want to know because that could indicate a lack of self control.

 

There is also the pragmatic reason of if someone cheats because there is a problem in the marriage ( another explanation often used by ws) then wouldn't it be best to come clean so the problem can either be dealt with through divorce or learning better ways to behave?

[Furious]

Ismile more today than yesterday. But that feeling of being a fool and having your heart ripped out is always under the surface.

 

You are not a fool. Trusting someone is not being a fool. The fool is the one who betrayed your trust.

[ascendotum]

Ignorance is not bliss. It is torture. I knew for at least 3 months that something...SOMETHING was wrong. I couldn't shake it. I felt terrible for being insecure.

 

I feel awful about every time I tried to put someone who was cheated on long ago in their place, suggesting they should move on. I have lived through several tragic deaths, assault, rejection over years, and divorce. Nothing made me double over and wail like an animal the way I did when I found out he had cheated.

 

Ignorance is bliss if the cheater is doing a good job of covering their tracks and not altering their behavior much. If there spouse has no clue then they are in fact ignorant and happily (assuming the marriage is not a crappy one) carrying on day to day as if nothing has changed. What you don't know wont hurt you, assuming your spouse is only sleeping with their co-worker or someone like that and going to nite clubs to pick up skanks or players on the regular, with a higher risk of STI. If your partner is acting suspiciously and has triggered the thought that they are of cheating then yes I definitely agree that you want confirmation. No knowing then, with cause on going anxiety, restlessness, lower trust, self doubt, maybe depression and maybe lower love.

 

Off course a 95% of people are going to answer yes to this question. No one wants to be duped. Scenarios like - some women married to a wealthy alpha male philanderer though might suspect but don't want to know the details and carry on pretending like their marriage is still great and she's still his No.1 or maybe some guys who hit the jackpot with a gorgeous woman that they feel they will never get as good might not want to pretend everything is still good. There are going to some people on LS who will have been cheated on in the past and have no idea they were.

Edited April 5, 2015 by ascendotum

[Lurkeraspect]

Ignorance is bliss if the cheater is doing a good job of covering their tracks and not altering their behavior much. If there spouse has no clue then they are in fact ignorant and happily (assuming the marriage is not a crappy one) carrying on day to day as if nothing has changed. What you don't know wont hurt you, assuming your spouse is only sleeping with their co-worker or someone like that and going to nite clubs to pick up skanks or players on the regular, with a higher risk of STI. If your partner is acting suspiciously and has triggered the thought that they are of cheating then yes I definitely agree that you want confirmation. No knowing then, with cause on going anxiety, restlessness, lower trust, self doubt, maybe depression and maybe lower love.

 

Off course a 95% of people are going to answer yes to this question. No one wants to be duped. Scenarios like - some women married to a wealthy alpha male philanderer though might suspect but don't want to know the details and carry on pretending like their marriage is still great and she's still his No.1 or maybe some guys who hit the jackpot with a gorgeous woman that they feel they will never get as good might not want to pretend everything is still good. There are going to some people on LS who will have been cheated on in the past and have no idea they were.

 

What?

You're never going to convince me that it's okay as long as he's only sleeping with his coworker. That's crazy thinking. Plenty of coworkers are walking around with STIs. Disease and infection doesn't care if you're a player "skank" or just some run of the mill office skank.

Edited April 5, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[I4givehim]

I created a thread a while back about the reasons people choose not to confess. One of the reasons that constantly came up on that thread and others like it was because the cheater felt that they were protecting the betrayed. Whenever I responded with what if the betrayed wants to know, the question was always avoided. So what say you? Would you want to know if you were cheated on? For me, yes, I would want to know. For those of you who don't know my story, my wife cheated years back and I found out about it a few months ago. To say that I was pissed about it would be an understatement. The thing that upset me the most though is that she took away a decision that should have been mine to make. Whether I stayed or left, that was my decision to make. She gave me the I didn't want to put my guilt on you response. She wanted to suffer in silence. Thankfully, she now admits that was a crock of sh*t and that she just didn't want to face the consequences of her actions. I'm interested to hear what everyone has to say about this topic.

 

I received a anonymous letter in the mail saying "your husband is cheating on you. " I was devastated, but I am happy to find out. I wish he was a really man and he was the one to tell me. Just knowing that bi** got the pleasure of hurting me. If sleeping with my husband wasn't enough she also had the pleasure of telling me about the A. I felt like he threw me under the bus.

[Furious]

Ignorance is bliss if the cheater is doing a good job of covering their tracks and not altering their behavior much. If there spouse has no clue then they are in fact ignorant and happily (assuming the marriage is not a crappy one) carrying on day to day as if nothing has changed. What you don't know wont hurt you, assuming your spouse is only sleeping with their co-worker or someone like that and going to nite clubs to pick up skanks or players on the regular, with a higher risk of STI. If your partner is acting suspiciously and has triggered the thought that they are of cheating then yes I definitely agree that you want confirmation. No knowing then, with cause on going anxiety, restlessness, lower trust, self doubt, maybe depression and maybe lower love.

 

Off course a 95% of people are going to answer yes to this question. No one wants to be duped. Scenarios like - some women married to a wealthy alpha male philanderer though might suspect but don't want to know the details and carry on pretending like their marriage is still great and she's still his No.1 or maybe some guys who hit the jackpot with a gorgeous woman that they feel they will never get as good might not want to pretend everything is still good. There are going to some people on LS who will have been cheated on in the past and have no idea they were.

 

 

It's naive to think that those who cheat with a co-worker are immune to sti's.

[I_Give_Up67]

I would want to know. For me, being the last to find out is the greatest disrespect and insult. Having gone through this before, the embarrassment was too much to bear when I learned that other people in our circle knew. I severed ties with everyone that were aware about it and never told me.

[Noirek]

Nothing made me double over and wail like an animal the way I did when I found out he had cheated.

 

^this is an aspect in people not telling. Even in people who divorce not disclosuing. They wonder why offer such <to them> unnecessary hurt.

 

When a person suspects or thinks they know something... Like this or say someone's death the pain of that is nothing compared to the actual knowing. But at least you have the relief of finally knowing even if you had not have prepared yourself for it like you thought you had. Because before something is a certainty there is hope there. Even if you don't want it. So for those suspecting of course it is better to know.

 

But for those not? It is all based on philosophy and hypotheticals. Ideas of wanting to know everything and make informed descisions. But, if there were no stis and no lingering suspicions. If life moves on with children and adventures? If a couple's life makes it until one passes on and looking back the good is so much brighter than any tough times? How can anyone honestly say that a two month, undiscovered affair, should have been confessed? Oh they can, because they hold honest over happiness. And the fact that most people want to know a secret if there is a secret.

 

No one is going to be convinced here they wouldn't want to know. Because very few people wouldn't want to know. As I said, of course we want to know everything. To say otherwise is to give a free pass to your spouse or cement the idea "what they don't know, won't hurt them". And that would seem to give more people the green light for affairs. Except it shouldn't. Because it is morally degrading to cheat. And you will probably get caught. And if your not you will probably be like me and decide to confess it all anyways. And then everyone is destroyed and you live in a mess for years upon years. But people will still cheat. We've been cheating forever. And the reason it hurts so much is because our mind and emotions and feelings are hurt when someone betrays us. Hurt feelings take a lot longer to heal than a hurt arm. And someone's death is usually not something done to us.

 

But to answer the question. Yes I would want to know. So we could open up this marriage. And because I'm the type of person who always wants to know. I had to hear every story of every past girlfriend. Just my nosey personality I guess.

[ascendotum]

What?

You're never going to convince me that it's okay as long as he's only sleeping with his coworker. That's crazy thinking. Plenty of coworkers are walking around with STIs. Disease and infection doesn't care if you're a player "skank" or just some run of the mill office skank.

 

No I'm not trying to convince you that. I threw that extra bit in you highlighted, because if I just left it as 'what you don't know wont hurt you' then I'm going to get some reply...not if infect you with aids. I guess it depends what age bracket and type of people you work with. I would some but not necessarily lots of my co-workers (most of who are in relationships/married) are full of STDs. No STI does not care if you are a skank, but the infection rates for certain subsets of the population will be higher and the more random partners you clock up the more chance you hit the jackpot. Some of the players I've known have done big numbers and been unscathed or a couple had one once and took ABx and were fine. At the same time you go out and have just one ONS and get herpes. The risk where I live has risen in the last 10 yrs though with the rise on hookup/online dating culture.

[jbrent890]

^this is an aspect in people not telling. Even in people who divorce not disclosuing. They wonder why offer such <to them> unnecessary hurt.

 

When a person suspects or thinks they know something... Like this or say someone's death the pain of that is nothing compared to the actual knowing. But at least you have the relief of finally knowing even if you had not have prepared yourself for it like you thought you had. Because before something is a certainty there is hope there. Even if you don't want it. So for those suspecting of course it is better to know.

 

But for those not? It is all based on philosophy and hypotheticals. Ideas of wanting to know everything and make informed descisions. But, if there were no stis and no lingering suspicions. If life moves on with children and adventures? If a couple's life makes it until one passes on and looking back the good is so much brighter than any tough times? How can anyone honestly say that a two month, undiscovered affair, should have been confessed? Oh they can, because they hold honest over happiness. And the fact that most people want to know a secret if there is a secret.

 

No one is going to be convinced here they wouldn't want to know. Because very few people wouldn't want to know. As I said, of course we want to know everything. To say otherwise is to give a free pass to your spouse or cement the idea "what they don't know, won't hurt them". And that would seem to give more people the green light for affairs. Except it shouldn't. Because it is morally degrading to cheat. And you will probably get caught. And if your not you will probably be like me and decide to confess it all anyways. And then everyone is destroyed and you live in a mess for years upon years. But people will still cheat. We've been cheating forever. And the reason it hurts so much is because our mind and emotions and feelings are hurt when someone betrays us. Hurt feelings take a lot longer to heal than a hurt arm. And someone's death is usually not something done to us.

 

But to answer the question. Yes I would want to know. So we could open up this marriage. And because I'm the type of person who always wants to know. I had to hear every story of every past girlfriend. Just my nosey personality I guess.

 

And again I say if the WS feels they need to protect the BS from themselves, then maybe the betrayed is better off not having the WS in their lives. In those instances, I think the WS should just divorce the betrayed and keep their mouths shut. But to stay in the marriage and pretend to be something you are not is sick to me, especially if you know the betrayed would not want to be married to a cheater.

[road]

I would want to know and every BS deserves the truth.