Would You Want To Know If You Were Cheated On

[jbrent890]

I would want to know and every BS deserves the truth.

 

Now I wouldn't go that far. There are a few BS that would not want to know. Heck we have a few on this site that stated if the affair was over and the WS fixed their issues, they would rather the WS keep it to themselves. I'm not one of those people, but I can respect that. Also, if the BS would harm the WS or themselves, then maybe they are better off not knowing. My stance is this, if the BS has stated that they would want to know, then WS has responsibility to confess regardless of how much pain it causes. They have to respect their spouse's wish. Anything less is just another form of cake eatting.

[Noirek]

And again I say if the WS feels they need to protect the BS from themselves, then maybe the betrayed is better off not having the WS in their lives. In those instances, I think the WS should just divorce the betrayed and keep their mouths shut. But to stay in the marriage and pretend to be something you are not is sick to me, especially if you know the betrayed would not want to be married to a cheater.

 

Ah, but if we are talking about an affair that is over and a WS who is doing everything else (except disclose) right to become a better person than maybe they are protecting their spouse, themselves and their marriage from what they view as an uneeded trauma all for the sake of disclosure. Maybe they don't see it as protecting the BS from themselves but from who they were for that one night or that month or so on?

 

Like I said no one is ever going to agree that they wouldn't want to know unless they already believe that. It goes against the very principles inside of them. It goes against their nature to say that. It gives what looks like free passes and so forth. And for those like you, who have been cheated on, your entire perception is coloured by the fact you know you were cheated on and you probably suspected as well.

 

This is really only my perspective of a cheater as I said. I wish I had never confessed. I wish I had never thought I should put the whole thing on my spouse. I regret so much from the first step I made to today. And that includes my unprompted confession.

[jbrent890]

I received a anonymous letter in the mail saying "your husband is cheating on you. " I was devastated, but I am happy to find out. I wish he was a really man and he was the one to tell me. Just knowing that bi** got the pleasure of hurting me. If sleeping with my husband wasn't enough she also had the pleasure of telling me about the A. I felt like he threw me under the bus.

 

I also look at it this way, confessing for them would mean admitting defeat. They never set out to confess, so why would they when they are done cheating. Even if they don't want to admit it, the WS is having their fun at the expense of the BS. I guess for them confessing would mean that it was all for nothing. That infuriates me just thinking about it.

[jbrent890]

Ah, but if we are talking about an affair that is over and a WS who is doing everything else (except disclose) right to become a better person than maybe they are protecting their spouse, themselves and their marriage from what they view as an uneeded trauma all for the sake of disclosure. Maybe they don't see it as protecting the BS from themselves but from who they were for that one night or that month or so on?

 

Like I said no one is ever going to agree that they wouldn't want to know unless they already believe that. It goes against the very principles inside of them. It goes against their nature to say that. It gives what looks like free passes and so forth. And for those like you, who have been cheated on, your entire perception is coloured by the fact you know you were cheated on and you probably suspected as well.

 

This is really only my perspective of a cheater as I said. I wish I had never confessed. I wish I had never thought I should put the whole thing on my spouse. I regret so much from the first step I made to today. And that includes my unprompted confession.

 

But a marriage isn't a dictatorship in which one person makes decisions for the other. It's two people working together as a team. I'm sorry but you are never going to convince me that is the right thing to do. If my marriage ended if my wife confessed, then it was suppossed to end. It wasn't the confession that would have killed it, it would have been her cheating and this is what a lot of Waywards refuse to acknowledge.

[Noirek]

But a marriage isn't a dictatorship in which one person makes decisions for the other. It's two people working together as a team. I'm sorry but you are never going to convince me that is the right thing to do. If my marriage ended if my wife confessed, then it was suppossed to end. It wasn't the confession that would have killed it, it would have been her cheating and this is what a lot of Waywards refuse to acknowledge.

 

If there was no cheating there would be nothing to confess so of course it would be cheatinf that ended the marriage. But if there was cheating but no confession (or discovery) and the marriage never ended... How does that fit?

 

In theory I think ending an affair, improving boundaries and spending the rest of your marriage being a good spouse and NOT confessing. Then I think that would be the happier life (though probably not the "right" life.) That actually happening? Less likely. Therefore, if it is going to come out (which it probably will) then sooner is better than later in finding out.

[purplesorrow]

If there was no cheating there would be nothing to confess so of course it would be cheatinf that ended the marriage. But if there was cheating but no confession (or discovery) and the marriage never ended... How does that fit?

 

In theory I think ending an affair, improving boundaries and spending the rest of your marriage being a good spouse and NOT confessing. Then I think that would be the happier life (though probably not the "right" life.) That actually happening? Less likely. Therefore, if it is going to come out (which it probably will) then sooner is better than later in finding out.

 

Great theory for the one who cheated. I don't want someone who couldn't be trusted with my sexual health to be making such decisions for me. It is obvious that my best interest is not at the core of their thinking.

[DKT3]

If there was no cheating there would be nothing to confess so of course it would be cheatinf that ended the marriage. But if there was cheating but no confession (or discovery) and the marriage never ended... How does that fit?

 

In theory I think ending an affair, improving boundaries and spending the rest of your marriage being a good spouse and NOT confessing. Then I think that would be the happier life (though probably not the "right" life.) That actually happening? Less likely. Therefore, if it is going to come out (which it probably will) then sooner is better than later in finding out.

 

The problem with this is the WS knows. I can't believe the number of people that honestly believe they can go out and have these long term affairs and then just resume the marriage as if nothing happened.

 

Holding on to a secret that big will create a distance that will erode the marriage.

 

In my situation my wife thought she could do just that. She ended her affair and thought it would simply "go back". The guilt ate her alive and it changed the way she acted towards me.

[Noirek]

The problem with this is the WS knows. I can't believe the number of people that honestly believe they can go out and have these long term affairs and then just resume the marriage as if nothing happened.

 

Holding on to a secret that big will create a distance that will erode the marriage.

 

In my situation my wife thought she could do just that. She ended her affair and thought it would simply "go back". The guilt ate her alive and it changed the way she acted towards me.

 

And that's my point. Most situations we have on here are because the secret doesn't stay a secret for whatever reason. Even years after the fact. The person breaks under the secret or th AP comes clean. Or there is evidence that comes back. They just have a way of coming out. But, there are affairs that are taken to the grave. The BS never knowing they are a BS. And in that scenereo I really can't see how "knowing" could be better. There are some things not worth knowing.

[DKT3]

And that's my point. Most situations we have on here are because the secret doesn't stay a secret for whatever reason. Even years after the fact. The person breaks under the secret or th AP comes clean. Or there is evidence that comes back. They just have a way of coming out. But, there are affairs that are taken to the grave. The BS never knowing they are a BS. And in that scenereo I really can't see how "knowing" could be better. There are some things not worth knowing.

 

AFFAIRS very rarely go unknown. Why? Because most people aren't stupid. Affairs leave too many clues and it normally just a matter of time before the BS puts it all together. Flings and ONS can go undetected.

 

Things that WS's never think about can out an affair. Example, my son who was 5 at the times complained to me about staying at the babysitters too long and missing his cartoons. That was my first clue of many. Now I was in denial, and convinced myself that she would never do it, but it was on my mind.

 

Knowing is always better in any situation. I would like the chance to protect myself from things that can kill me (std), or raising another mans child. Its pretty clear that if she is having an affair she isn't looking out for my best interest. So don't sell me no telling me is in my best interest. Its in the WS's best interest that the affair goes unknown.

[jbrent890]

Also, even though Waywards on this site hate being associated with this trait, I think a certain level of narcissism comes into play when they convince themselves that them not confessing is some noble gesture. It just furthers the point that most Waywards cant see themselves as the bad guy. I would have far more respect for Waywards that don't confess if they said that they weren't doing it because they didnt want to face the consequences as opposed to the protection excuse that we get. Please don't bullsh*t and bullsh*tter

[Robert Z]

I would never end things over one or a few indiscretions...say during a bad time. As long as she was sorry it happened and decided to never do it again, I would rather not know.

 

 

Taking the spouse's choice away by not telling is an interesting point. But then the worst case is that telling ends the marriage, in which case the cheater might as well hope for the best and keep quiet. And if the spouse can probably forgive then not knowing is probably better. It is an unnecessary burden to bare. So the logic says to keep your mouth shut if you don't want to lose your spouse. More than likely the consequences from telling will all be negative.

 

 

It one of those times when the right thing to do may not be the best thing to do.

[purplesorrow]

I would never end things over one or a few indiscretions...say during a bad time. As long as she was sorry it happened and decided to never do it again, I would rather not know.

 

 

Taking the spouse's choice away by not telling is an interesting point. But then the worst case is that telling ends the marriage, in which case the cheater might as well hope for the best and keep quiet. And if the spouse can probably forgive then not knowing is probably better. It is an unnecessary burden to bare. So the logic says to keep your mouth shut if you don't want to lose your spouse. More than likely the consequences from telling will all be negative.

 

 

It one of those times when the right thing to do may not be the best thing to do.

 

Do you have a breaking point? Would you feel the same about a year + affair?

[Robert Z]

Do you have a breaking point? Would you feel the same about a year + affair?

 

 

A few indiscretions is one thing. We can all make bad choices we regret in the short term. But an extended affair would be another matter. That would mean there is a fundamental problem with marriage.

[purplesorrow]

I would never end things over one or a few indiscretions...say during a bad time. As long as she was sorry it happened and decided to never do it again, I would rather not know.

 

 

Taking the spouse's choice away by not telling is an interesting point. But then the worst case is that telling ends the marriage, in which case the cheater might as well hope for the best and keep quiet. And if the spouse can probably forgive then not knowing is probably better. It is an unnecessary burden to bare. So the logic says to keep your mouth shut if you don't want to lose your spouse. More than likely the consequences from telling will all be negative.

 

 

It one of those times when the right thing to do may not be the best thing to do.

 

A few indiscretions is one thing. We can all make bad choices we regret in the short term. But an extended affair would be another matter. That would mean there is a fundamental problem with marriage.

 

So short term, it's on the cheater, long term it's on the marriage? A lot of the post for this thread focused on affairs. Would you be ok not knowing about an affair as long as the cheater stopped and worked on the marriage?

[central]

If it's currently going on or just recently ended, I'd want to know. If it's long ago and things are good now, then I'd rather not.

 

 

We wouldn't cheat on each other, anyway. We have an open relationship, and are free to see others. Out of love and respect for each other, we always discuss any potential partners with each other first, and of course it makes planning to see someone else much easier as nothing needs to be hidden. It helps that we don't feel monogamy is natural for many people (realizing it does work for many, even if it's more a goal than something they practice in real life!), and have little jealousy. We do feel that cheating is wrong because it requires lying, deceiving, and probably hurting someone you supposedly love. Ethical behavior in all things is our goal.

[elaine567]

If it's currently going on or just recently ended, I'd want to know. If it's long ago and things are good now, then I'd rather not.

 

 

We wouldn't cheat on each other, anyway. We have an open relationship, and are free to see others. Out of love and respect for each other, we always discuss any potential partners with each other first, and of course it makes planning to see someone else much easier as nothing needs to be hidden. It helps that we don't feel monogamy is natural for many people (realizing it does work for many, even if it's more a goal than something they practice in real life!), and have little jealousy. We do feel that cheating is wrong because it requires lying, deceiving, and probably hurting someone you supposedly love. Ethical behavior in all things is our goal.

 

OK your marriage is open, but if she did hook up with someone short term or long term, perhaps because she thought you wouldn't "approve" or it was so spontaneous she didn't have time to ask you. Would you like to know that?

I think I know the answer to this but if you were told, would you be "upset" or would you take it in your stride being you are both on board with the other having sex with other people anyway.

[road]

Now I wouldn't go that far. There are a few BS that would not want to know. Heck we have a few on this site that stated if the affair was over and the WS fixed their issues, they would rather the WS keep it to themselves. I'm not one of those people, but I can respect that. Also, if the BS would harm the WS or themselves, then maybe they are better off not knowing. My stance is this, if the BS has stated that they would want to know, then WS has responsibility to confess regardless of how much pain it causes. They have to respect their spouse's wish. Anything less is just another form of cake eatting.

 

 

Deserves the truth is not the same as wanting to know.

 

 

Though all to often many a WS has another affair years later because they never face the consequences of their last affair. And the BS not being aware of what their WS did do not know they need to remain vigilant to prevent any future affairs from the WS.

 

 

So you see BS's need to know and should know about their WS's affair. Because one does not like the taste of his medicine does not mean he is right to not take it. So the BS may not want to hear about their WS's affair they need to know and should.

[elaine567]

Do children in the mix make a difference?

Is it better a truly unaware wife/husband remains in the dark, if it means that the children grow up in a stable environment?

Or is it better that that unaware spouse is made aware and it results in years of "reconciling", fighting, resentment and/or divorce?

 

I believe childless couples or couples with grown up children should always come clean, but I am really unsure if "truth" is necessarily the best course of action when there are little lives involved.

(Of course if STDs are involved, honesty is always the best policy)

[central]

OK your marriage is open, but if she did hook up with someone short term or long term, perhaps because she thought you wouldn't "approve" or it was so spontaneous she didn't have time to ask you. Would you like to know that?

I think I know the answer to this but if you were told, would you be "upset" or would you take it in your stride being you are both on board with the other having sex with other people anyway.

 

A spontaneous hookup is fine. We've done that, and talked about it afterwards. We wouldn't be okay with an undisclosed, ongoing affair, as that would be cheating by our definition.

[truncated]

Even if it was just a "fling" or one night stand, I would want to know.

 

It would have exposed me to possible std's, and don;t most waywards ( and om/ow) claim that when a person cheats, it's because there is somersetting wrong in the marriage? If this is true, then how does keeping the cheating a secret make anything better? If the person cheated because of something in their nature, then I would want to know too.

 

There is also the unknown factor in all of this. The person the ws cheated with. What if they don't just go on in their life? what if they decide to inform the bs on their own, what if they have mental health issues and start stalking the ws, bs orthe whole family? What if they become violent?

 

Social media makes it very easy to contact someone, and that is totally out of the ws control. Hiding the affair leads to more and more lies.

[jbrent890]

Do children in the mix make a difference?

Is it better a truly unaware wife/husband remains in the dark, if it means that the children grow up in a stable environment?

Or is it better that that unaware spouse is made aware and it results in years of "reconciling", fighting, resentment and/or divorce?

 

I believe childless couples or couples with grown up children should always come clean, but I am really unsure if "truth" is necessarily the best course of action when there are little lives involved.

(Of course if STDs are involved, honesty is always the best policy)

 

I would still want to know. Again, if the BS wants to know, then that is there right regardless if there are kids in the mix. The fact that the WS would risk there home life is even more disturbing, which is why I would leave at that point.

[jbrent890]

Also, it is one thing to use your spouse as a shield for not telling, to use kids as a shield is so low it's ridiculous.

[purplesorrow]

Do children in the mix make a difference?

Is it better a truly unaware wife/husband remains in the dark, if it means that the children grow up in a stable environment?

Or is it better that that unaware spouse is made aware and it results in years of "reconciling", fighting, resentment and/or divorce?

 

I believe childless couples or couples with grown up children should always come clean, but I am really unsure if "truth" is necessarily the best course of action when there are little lives involved.

(Of course if STDs are involved, honesty is always the best policy)

 

Ridiculous. Truth isn't necessary for me because we have a child? I don't matter?

[Andy_K]

Do children in the mix make a difference?

Is it better a truly unaware wife/husband remains in the dark, if it means that the children grow up in a stable environment?

Or is it better that that unaware spouse is made aware and it results in years of "reconciling", fighting, resentment and/or divorce?

 

I believe childless couples or couples with grown up children should always come clean, but I am really unsure if "truth" is necessarily the best course of action when there are little lives involved.

(Of course if STDs are involved, honesty is always the best policy)

 

Sure it is. For one thing, the kids grow up knowing exactly what the consequences of affairs and cheating are, and will consider their own future relationship behaviour that much more carefully. You can learn as much from your parents about how not to conduct adult relationships as how you should.

 

Separation does not spell a disastrous upbringing. Kids are more resilient than they are given credit for.

[cocorico]

Would you want to know if you were cheated on?

 

Are we talking about an ongoing A, or a historic A?

 

If it's in the past, and the WS has resolved the issues through IC or whatever, I'd say let it go. If he chooses to discuss it with me because it's unresolved, perhaps because it was triggered by some issue in our R, then fair enough, let's discuss it and how best to move forward. But if it's not an ongoing issue - either because the A is still ongoing, or because the issue that triggered it is still ongoing, or because feelings of remorse are preventing connection - then I see no reason to need to know.

 

I am quite happy with my H having private thoughts, private dreams, private fantasies, etc. I don't feel I have to know his every move - and, likewise, he respects my need for space. I like that he shares things with me but I also like that he's his own person, and not some extension of me.