Would You Want To Know If You Were Cheated On

[elaine567]

We wouldn't be okay with an undisclosed, ongoing affair, as that would be cheating by our definition.

Yes I guessed that, it isn't the sex, it is the betrayal that would be important to you in that case.

[purplesorrow]

Are we talking about an ongoing A, or a historic A?

 

If it's in the past, and the WS has resolved the issues through IC or whatever, I'd say let it go. If he chooses to discuss it with me because it's unresolved, perhaps because it was triggered by some issue in our R, then fair enough, let's discuss it and how best to move forward. But if it's not an ongoing issue - either because the A is still ongoing, or because the issue that triggered it is still ongoing, or because feelings of remorse are preventing connection - then I see no reason to need to know.

 

I am quite happy with my H having private thoughts, private dreams, private fantasies, etc. I don't feel I have to know his every move - and, likewise, he respects my need for space. I like that he shares things with me but I also like that he's his own person, and not some extension of me.

 

Private thoughts and fantasy are one thing, I don't need to know that either. But screwing someone and coming home to my bed is well beyond that. And just for clarification, you wouldn't want to know of the affair is ongoing?

Edited April 5, 2015 by purplesorrow

[veggirl]

How CONDESCENDING and insulting for a cheater to think they should decide what I deserve to know. How dare they assume they know better than me what I want!

 

Yes I would want the truth!

[autumnnight]

^this is an aspect in people not telling. Even in people who divorce not disclosuing. They wonder why offer such <to them> unnecessary hurt.

 

Thing is...I knew something was off. I knew something was wrong. I drove myself crazy thinking it was me.

 

He hurt me when he cheated. It is the cheating that is wrong. It is the cheating that causes the pain.

[veggirl]

yeah if you don't want to "unnecessarily hurt" me then don't cheat on me! Jesus Christ. And if you "make a mistake" and do cheat, then man or woman up and be honest about what you did so I can decide FOR MYSELF what I want to do.

 

Geez the mental gymnastics cheaters will do to justify more lying and secret keeping. Pathetic.

[cocorico]

Private thoughts and fantasy are one thing, I don't need to know that either. But screwing someone and coming home to my bed is well beyond that. And just for clarification, you wouldn't want to know of the affair is ongoing?

 

If it was ongoing.... it would mean there were issues in our M. While I would hope he would feel able to discuss these with me, the existence of the A would demonstrate that the M had degraded to the point where he felt he couldn't. But if someone feels they can't tell you, how do you *make* them able to tell you?

 

I would hope that in those conditions, I would be attuned enough to sense something being wrong, and sensitive enough to find a way to open discussion. But never having been in such a space, I don't know how I might handle it. But I would hope that he trusted me enough to be able to share, so that we could work on the issues.

 

Would I want someone else to tell me? Absolutely not!

[carhill]

To answer the title question, only if the impetus for any 'knowing' was part of a process of continuing or renewing or reinventing the marriage. Otherwise, nah, just move on and leave me in the bliss of ignorance.

[alsudduth]

 

But if my spouse suspected or asked. I would tell. Gaslighting is not my style.

 

 

I like this. I think that if it was just a one night stand, or a stupid mistake and the cheater feels terrible and has resolved to never do it again, there is no reason to hurt the other person to relieve ones guilt.

 

IF however my spouse asked or suspected that it happened, I would not lie about it.

[jbrent890]

I like this. I think that if it was just a one night stand, or a stupid mistake and the cheater feels terrible and has resolved to never do it again, there is no reason to hurt the other person to relieve ones guilt.

 

IF however my spouse asked or suspected that it happened, I would not lie about it.

 

I'm actually living that scenario you just presented. I didn't suspect a thing and yet I still found out. I'm sorry, but regardless if it was a ONS, when it happens to me cheating is cheating. I think it should still be the betrayed's choice to decide what they want to do with their lives.

[Robert Z]

So short term, it's on the cheater, long term it's on the marriage? A lot of the post for this thread focused on affairs. Would you be ok not knowing about an affair as long as the cheater stopped and worked on the marriage?

 

Not an extended affair.

 

And I didn't say long term it is on the marriage, but rather that the marriage is in serious trouble no matter the reason. The problem could just be that the cheater wants out. But that is definitely a problem with the marriage. You can't cheat for say three years, stop, say I'm sorry, and then expect to pick up where you left off.

 

To me the distinction is, was this an aberration? An extended affair is not an aberration.

Edited April 5, 2015 by Robert Z

[elaine567]

I'm actually living that scenario you just presented. I didn't suspect a thing and yet I still found out. I'm sorry, but regardless if it was a ONS, when it happens to me cheating is cheating. I think it should still be the betrayed's choice to decide what they want to do with their lives.

 

To play devil's advocate, is it not also the cheater's choice to decide what they want to do with their lives too?

 

Seems to me they hold most of the cards in that respect, unless of course they are found out somehow.

"To tell or not to tell that is the question..."

[Robert Z]

I'm actually living that scenario you just presented. I didn't suspect a thing and yet I still found out. I'm sorry, but regardless if it was a ONS, when it happens to me cheating is cheating. I think it should still be the betrayed's choice to decide what they want to do with their lives.

 

That is true, but it is also possible that a person would want to forgive and move on but can't because of the psychological factors. The problem for the betrayed is living with the burden of knowing even if you want to forgive. THAT is the problem.

 

 

I think my ex cheated on me but by the time that happened I could have cared less. By then I felt sorry for the guy she was seeing. He had no idea who he was dealing with.

[veggirl]

I like this. I think that if it was just a one night stand, or a stupid mistake and the cheater feels terrible and has resolved to never do it again, there is no reason to hurt the other person to relieve ones guilt.

 

IF however my spouse asked or suspected that it happened, I would not lie about it.

 

Oh please! If the cheater "knows" they'll never do it again? How can they "know" that? Don't you think they "knew" they wouldn't do it ever to begin with but then whoops they did!

[Noirek]

Oh please! If the cheater "knows" they'll never do it again? How can they "know" that? Don't you think they "knew" they wouldn't do it ever to begin with but then whoops they did!

 

They can't. But many do. Actually, as much as people won't to believe here that very few affairs happen undetected the reality is that many do. A trip to AM or a site for cheaters can quickly show just how many active cheaters are out there not being caught. And then there are the people who seriously regret their actions, maybe it was a slippery slope or they got caught up in something over their head, but the stop and take it to the grave. It isn't a very comforting thought for sure.

 

Very few people are objective enough to claim they would want to be ignorant. Claiming to want to be ignorant has so much negative conotations to it. We want to know what we know we know.

[regine_phalange]

Yes I would. But until now I beat them to it both times. I somehow knew that they cheated (without proof), even the exact day and time, and one of them lived in another country. Damn you, intuition! Then the proof came as well.

 

If someone cheated on me early on and I found out years later, I'd feel that I lived in a lie all these years. I'd feel that I wasted my time.

 

I've heard the excuse your wife told you too. And it's just that, an excuse. In my case, if I didn't bluff he wouldn't have said anything.

[DKT3]

They can't. But many do. Actually, as much as people won't to believe here that very few affairs happen undetected the reality is that many do. A trip to AM or a site for cheaters can quickly show just how many active cheaters are out there not being caught. And then there are the people who seriously regret their actions, maybe it was a slippery slope or they got caught up in something over their head, but the stop and take it to the grave. It isn't a very comforting thought for sure.

 

Very few people are objective enough to claim they would want to be ignorant. Claiming to want to be ignorant has so much negative conotations to it. We want to know what we know we know.

 

Yet you assume that the spouses don't know. A story I read not to long ago where a 76 year old woman had an affair the first 30+ years of the 50 year marriage. Her husband fell ill and before passing on he told her he forgave her for the affair, he confessed that he had known the whole time and even believed the OM fathered two of their five children.

 

Point is undetected means the spouses doesn't know or suspect. I hold firm that very, very few affairs go undetected. Most BS's here suspected infidelities, many didn't want to face it or accept it until there was no doubt, and they had to.

[Robert Z]

Oh please! If the cheater "knows" they'll never do it again? How can they "know" that? Don't you think they "knew" they wouldn't do it ever to begin with but then whoops they did!

 

 

Yes, it can work that way. I once slept with a good friend's gf. She was all over me and I was absolutely crazy about her, and I did something I regret to this day. But it only happened once and I walked away in spite of her repeated attempts to continue. I wanted her as badly as I had ever wanted anyone. But it was not in my nature to cheat on a friend so I made sure it never happened again. As Floyd would say, it was a momentary lapse of reason. The guilt of faltering once prevents future mistakes.

Edited April 5, 2015 by Robert Z

[truncated]

A good marriage can't be built on a foundation of lies, and this includes cheating, even a one night stand.

 

There is some thought that someone can cheat once and move on, never letting it affect their marriage.

 

If someone can do that, they must be one hell of an expert at compartmentalization. how can they look at their spouse in the eyes, knowing they are trusted and have such a secret weighing heavily on them? How can it not slowly poison them and their whole relationship?

 

besides, there is a certain level of hubris to think that your spouse will never know or suspect. they may well suspect and not say anything, and the secret goes on to poison them too.

 

In short, some may be fine with dishonesty, but not me.

[Robert Z]

A good marriage can't be built on a foundation of lies, and this includes cheating, even a one night stand.

 

There is some thought that someone can cheat once and move on, never letting it affect their marriage.

 

If someone can do that, they must be one hell of an expert at compartmentalization. how can they look at their spouse in the eyes, knowing they are trusted and have such a secret weighing heavily on them? How can it not slowly poison them and their whole relationship?

 

besides, there is a certain level of hubris to think that your spouse will never know or suspect. they may well suspect and not say anything, and the secret goes on to poison them too.

 

In short, some may be fine with dishonesty, but not me.

 

 

Oh please, people live with all sorts of guilt. It is part of being human. Everyone makes mistakes and guilt is often the price. Maybe this completely unrealistic expectation for everyone to be perfect is part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high and marriage is becoming increasingly unpopular.

 

It makes me wonder what other mistakes a spouse is not allowed to make without being deemed unworthy. How perfect must they be? Is there a list?

 

 

And what is the source of this unreasonable expectation for perfection?

Edited April 5, 2015 by Robert Z

[purplesorrow]

Oh please, people live with all sorts of guilt. It is part of being human. Everyone makes mistakes and guilt is often the price. Maybe this completely unrealistic expectation for everyone to be perfect is part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high and marriage is becoming increasingly unpopular.

 

It makes me wonder what other mistakes a spouse is not allowed to make without being deemed unworthy. How perfect must they be? Is there a list?

 

 

And what is the source of this unreasonable expectation for perfection?

 

Is a long term affair a mistake? How much is a person supposed to forgive. I never asked him to be perfect. I'm not. Nor did I ask for my sexual health to be at risk and our family put in jeopardy because he felt like being selfish.

[road]

Are we talking about an ongoing A, or a historic A?

 

If it's in the past, and the WS has resolved the issues through IC or whatever, I'd say let it go. If he chooses to discuss it with me because it's unresolved, perhaps because it was triggered by some issue in our R, then fair enough, let's discuss it and how best to move forward. But if it's not an ongoing issue - either because the A is still ongoing, or because the issue that triggered it is still ongoing, or because feelings of remorse are preventing connection - then I see no reason to need to know.

 

I am quite happy with my H having private thoughts, private dreams, private fantasies, etc. I don't feel I have to know his every move - and, likewise, he respects my need for space. I like that he shares things with me but I also like that he's his own person, and not some extension of me.

 

 

Past or present affair does not matter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watching a movie, looking and a husband momentarily lusting for the actress is not an affair. There is nothing to tell.

[truncated]

Oh please, people live with all sorts of guilt. It is part of being human. Everyone makes mistakes and guilt is often the price. Maybe this completely unrealistic expectation for everyone to be perfect is part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high and marriage is becoming increasingly unpopular.

 

It makes me wonder what other mistakes a spouse is not allowed to make without being deemed unworthy. How perfect must they be? Is there a list?

 

 

And what is the source of this unreasonable expectation for perfection?

 

who said anything about being perfect?

 

what was said was that if someone can look their spouse in th eyes everyday, know that they trust them 100% and not have that slowly eat away at them and their relationship, then they are awfully good at compartmentalization.

 

It's not about expecting someone to be perfect, it's about expecting honesty. We all amke mistakes, be it cheating, saying unkind words or what have you. Sweeping it all under the rug only exacerbates the problem.

 

Seems like the real cause of so many marriages failing is people willing to take the stance of not taking responsibility for their actions. You cheat? You man up ( or woman up) and be honest about it. It's not the truth that hurts, it's the cheating.

 

Been married 18 years now, and have been through many ups and downs. I don't ask for much from my husband,and through the years we have both put up with some hurtful behavior, but honesty is non-negotable. If he were to cheat but were honest with me about it, I can't say what I would do. Maybe we could reconcile, maybe not. If he were to cheat and lie about it, or not tell me and I found out on my own, I would be gone.

Edited April 5, 2015 by truncated

[truncated]

Is a long term affair a mistake? How much is a person supposed to forgive. I never asked him to be perfect. I'm not. Nor did I ask for my sexual health to be at risk and our family put in jeopardy because he felt like being selfish.

 

 

this is the thing some people will never understand, so they use the strawman argument of " no one is perfect".

 

Maybe they are okay with their spouse cheating and not knowing, which is their prerogative, but trying to make others feel bad for expecting honesty ?

 

In many ways it comes down to the cheating spouse asking their husband or wife to unknowingly assume a risk, which to my way of thinking, is wrong. It's like a wife investing 100,000 of the couples money in a risky venture without talking to her husband first.

 

How many would say " nobody's perfect" and brush it off?

[KBarletta]

Yes, I would want to know for four reasons.

 

1. I spent months hoping and dreaming of reconciliation. If I knew that there was an affair, I would not have.

 

2. I spent months blaming myself. I've wondered why and how she could walk away so coldly from our family. Knowing that there was an affair would have changed my thinking, and it would have been based on the truth instead of lies.

 

3. We all deserve to know the truth about what happens to us in our lives, and why.

 

4. My health. Exposure to diseases is not something to take lightly.

[jbrent890]

Well seeing as if a lot of people would want to know, then why do people still recommend to the wayward to keep their mouth shut? It makes me wonder if the same people that recommend to the wayward to keep their mouths shut would want to know if it happened to them.