Optimal Solutions for a Sexless Marriage

[Panda9080]

I have been living in a sexless marriage for 10 years due to my husband's medical conditions. I struggled and thought of leaving, but I stayed as I could not deal with guilt. Finally he allowed me to have a FWB as long as he doesn't know about it.

 

My OM is also in a sexless marriage. His wife stays at home. They don't have any children together. She has 2 kids from her previous marriage. He is the breadwinner to support 3 of them.

 

My OM and I have been together for a year, our relationship went very well not only the physical intimacy but we also developed a very good friendship. He was lonely for many years as he and his wife did not really communicate. She has not only problem with her physical sickness but also mental sickness. Plus they are not compatible in many aspects.

 

Recently, his wife found out his affair as she somehow saw our emails on his iPad. She thrown his clothing out the window and wanted a divorce and told him that she lost feeling for him long time ago. He agreed so they discussed about assets sharing etc. But then she changed her mind and begged him to stay. He stayed.

 

During the crisis, he always shared with me all what happen and told me that regardless whatever happened he still wants to continue his relationship with me as he knows for sure he and his wife will be roommates forever. I always tell him that I support whatever he decides as I know he is a strong and smart man.

 

We stopped meeting and just only email during the week for a while as we want to calm his wife down. She does finally. Then he violated our "rules" by writing to me during this weekend. She saw the email.

 

I try to put myself in "her" position.

 

1. Can she understand that men have physical needs? she can't and does not want to fulfill that need. Why she banned him to satisfy his needs somewhere else? What did he do to deserve that life sentence? is that a cruelty?

 

2. She doesn't work, does not make any income and does not do any house chores as she spends most of her time to watch TV and sleep, would it be better to have him as a husband and maid than divorce?

 

Should he tell her that as long as she let him do whatever he wants, he would never leave her (continue his financial support and take care of all the house work etc). Even she agrees with this option, she still has all what she wants, she does not lose anything. Ultimately, she does not love him anyway, she just need someone to pay the bills, buy foods, cook and clean.

 

I know for sure he will stay with that life sentence if she agrees.

 

Well, life is good but not fair at all...

Edited April 5, 2015 by Panda9080

[TigerCub]

You mentioned that his wife has physical and mental illness - so maybe she can't do the sex stuff with him due to the physical illness and doesn't do the house chores due to her mental illness.

 

My question is this: If you are trying to put yourself in this woman's shoes, are you considering how cruel it is to put her through turmoil like this, especially if she has all these ailments?

 

Your H has medical issues that prevented him from doing the bedroom stuff - but it's not like he told you to get a FWB right away - if I understood correctly, it took him some time - around 10 years.

 

Not everyone goes at the same pace and would be cool with their partner going that route.

 

I do think that withholding sex is cruel and messed up - but if someone is sick and has reasons, they may not be able to help it.

And you should know this best of all!

 

Your OM is choosing to still be with this woman - so who cares what you really think about it. It's their business.

 

I'm just really surprised that given your situation with your husband that you would fault another person who is sick for not putting out, or letting their spouse get some strange. Not everyone is like your husband.

 

I think it's good that your husband came to a point where he'd rather you get your physical needs met than deprive you and have you be without and grow resentful, but not everyone is like him - and you have to also take into account that your husband's medical issues are physical (I'm assuming) - but this woman has physical and mental issues too.

 

Isn't it cruel to keep an affair going when the wife is someone that is so fragile mentally?

 

If her husband doesn't want to be there - why doesn't he just file for divorce?

Edited April 5, 2015 by TigerCub

[road]

A marriage is for 2 not 3.

 

 

This BW did not give her WH an open marriage.

 

 

You are interfering in her marriage.

 

 

Because your BH is willing to have an open marriage and let you bang OM does not mean this BW has to agree to an open marriage.

 

 

You are a very selfish person to carry on wife a married man that is not free.

[spanz1]

things may not be as they seem. you say your OM is in a sexless marriage. HOW do you know this? because he told you so?

 

 

cheaters lie, and he is a cheater. Maybe he was just horny, and his wife was putting out sexually, and she found out about the affair and demanded he cut you off-and he agreed because life with her was really pretty good?

[Ninjainpajamas]

We stopped meeting and just only email during the week for a while as we want to calm his wife down. She does finally. Then he violated our "rules" by writing to me during this weekend. She saw the email.

 

I try to put myself in "her" position.

 

1. Can she understand that men have physical needs? she can't and does not want to fulfill that need. Why she banned him to satisfy his needs somewhere else? What did he do to deserve that life sentence? is that a cruelty?

2. She doesn't work, does not make any income and does not do any house chores as she spends most of her time to watch TV and sleep, would it be better to have him as a husband and maid than divorce?

Should he tell her that as long as she let him do whatever he wants, he would never leave her (continue his financial support and take care of all the house work etc). Even she agrees with this option, she still has all what she wants, she does not lose anything. Ultimately, she does not love him anyway, she just need someone to pay the bills, buy foods, cook and clean.

 

I know for sure he will stay with that life sentence if she agrees.

 

Well, life is good but not fair at all...

 

1. A lot of women don't care about a man's sexual/physical needs, they just think he can take care of it himself and/or watch porn or what not...at the end of the day they don't really care, it's not a valid excuse to cheat to them...even if they give him every excuse in the world.

 

This is typical of a woman of woman's thinking, because it doesn't involve the actual mans perspective and emotional state, it just considers what she needs and how she feels...a lot of women are buried under a mound of their own personal issues and dissatisfaction and don't really have the mind to actually consider what the husband is going through...I've seen it many times.

 

So no, she's not going to think he should get his needs met somewhere else because she thinks she owns him with the marriage. And as long as he is married...which she probably thinks is forever, which is also typical...then he's pretty much signed his life away a long time ago.

 

She's not thinking in terms of a life-sentence, she just likely thinks he needs to figure it out for himself or improve the relationship they have...but even if she knows that impossible it's not like she cares. Women can have very unrealistic and irrational ways of looking at things, and it's their perspective which matters to them, not what is "fair" or "right"...she's going to twist everything back around to making it about her to avoid any responsibility or accountability.

 

Therefore she doesn't care about cruelty, she likely resents him for something he did and you don't know about...it's guaranteed this guy hasn't told you everything or in a fair and balanced way, he's just going to string you along...but I doubt you know the whole story.

 

2. That's what he's telling you (I'll never understand why women trust men so much)...but you know his side of the story, you don't know what else is going on in that relationship. If it was so terrible for so many years, why is he still sticking around...that's the better question, he doesn't even have children with her which is like the number one excuse for most people, so the second favorite is usually financial.

 

It takes a lot of courage and motivation to even leave a bad relationship/marriage, and it's a sacrifice and step people need to be willing to make (if only I could give them my willpower). But he seems uncomfortably comfortable with her still yet, so there's a lot of questions to be asked there. I know you're in your own situation but you seem like you might be the weak passive trusting type, that is riddled with guilt and insecurity about things...you've got to have more confidence in yourself to push these tough questions with men.

 

.....

 

At the end of the day it's not your place to advise or tell him what to do with his marriage, he's a big boy and I can assure you he is not as stupid and a victim as much as he makes himself out to be....men and women play it up like they're being so taken advantage of but at the end of the day they're the ones choosing to live in these situations instead of getting out of them...so don't be so easily convinced you know everything, think outside the box and the little information or story he tells you.

 

But no, she's not going to let him go...even if she's unhappy, claims to not love him and whatever else...that's not how women tend to work, they want it all...good or bad, and if she's miserable, shes not going to be miserable alone and watch him be happy and "betray" her...she's going to be all high on the "cheating" aspect of it...just look at this forum, they're like zombies once they hear the word cheating.

 

I don't think this is going to work out for you in the end, it sounds like you're really caught up with this guy...but chances are he's playing you around a bit too.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is typical of a woman of woman's thinking, because it doesn't involve the actual mans perspective and emotional state, it just considers what she needs and how she feels...a lot of women are buried under a mound of their own personal issues and dissatisfaction and don't really have the mind to actually consider what the husband is going through...I've seen it many times.

 

I'll just say the broader the brush, the worse the painting. Substitute "men" for "women" in your statement and it's still generally true...

 

Mr. Lucky