Does no contact work if you only dated a few months

[Mjm1014]

Long story short, dated a girl (unofficial) for four months...we hit it off great the first two or three months, but when I started to pressure (dumb idea) if this was going anywhere (as in calling it official) she started getting distant the last month..she told me a few times that I was turning her off by forcing things (I disagree because I wasn't putting much pressure on her), but she also told me she was scared to get in a relationship because I'm the first guy she fell head over heals with since her ex (they broke up 3 years ago). Finally one day we talked in person (right after she planned a date to take me on), and she told me maybe we should be friends because she wasn't feeling it anymore and she thinks I'm putting too much pressure on things and it lost the spark for her. I told her I couldn't be friends since I didn't see her that way, wished her good luck, and cut contact since. When I told her that she looked like she was about to cry, but it was going on five months and don't want to be strung on forever. We haven't spoke in almost two weeks. I guess part of me got a little insecure because I felt like she might be stringing me along because she wasn't over her ex...engagement gone wrong I guess you could say and maybe she wants to get back deep down...I mean all her pics are up of him on facebook and she still brings up how bad he hurt her a lot.

 

I've been in a lot of relationships, even though this wasn't official I cared so much for her and felt like I was falling in love with her. This has hit me harder than someone that broke up with me after two years. Maybe she really wasn't feeling it, but honestly believe I just scared her off being the dumbass that I am. My hope is that she will wake up and realize what she lost, but I'm prob wasting my time. I know I should just move on, but I cant. I've gone on a few dates with a new girl that's wonderful, she's attractive and really into me, but I'm just not feeling it because I'm still really into this girl and I'm still really sad. I can't get over her. So for a four/five month fling if I haven't heard from her, when should I make my last ditch effort to reach out? I read 30 days minimum is that too long? If she doesn't want anyrhingn to do with me at least I know I tried.

 

Thanks for your input in advance!!!

Edited April 5, 2015 by Mjm1014

[Gaeta]

You only ended things 2 weeks ago it's normal you are having a hard time moving on. You have to give yourself a good 2 months. There is no use dating other girls, you are just misleading them, your heart and mind aren't free.

 

As for your ex girlfriend forget about her. After 4 months she was afraid to date you because of some relationship that ended 3 years ago!! Geez talk about a silly excuse. She just didn't want to be in a relationship with you. You scared her off because you liked her more than she liked you. If she had been into you she would not have run off. She is better gone.

 

Do not contact her. If she realizes she lost something important she can reach out to you. If you do contact her and she rejects you then you are going to go back to square one and will have to mourn her all over again like at day 1. Do not do that to yourself.

[Mjm1014]

I agree about dating the new girl...I decided last night that it's not fair to her. I'm trying to give myself time but it seems like everyday gets that much harder. I keep myself busy but I still think about her. I'm use to talking to her 24/7 and having her in my life. Idk what I did to really turn her off all of a sudden, and why she was so against being with me when it was basically a serious relationship. Guess I'll never know. I like your answer though and deep down I know I shouldn't talk to her again. Thanks for responding and reading my long post!

[Gaeta]

I agree about dating the new girl...I decided last night that it's not fair to her. I'm trying to give myself time but it seems like everyday gets that much harder. I keep myself busy but I still think about her. I'm use to talking to her 24/7 and having her in my life. Idk what I did to really turn her off all of a sudden, and why she was so against being with me when it was basically a serious relationship. Guess I'll never know. I like your answer though and deep down I know I shouldn't talk to her again. Thanks for responding and reading my long post!

 

Think about it as getting over an addiction. Right now you think you will always feel this way but you won't. This feeling will pass. When we date someone and spend a lot of time with them our brain create new pathways related to them. Now those pathways are searching for her that is the 'missing feeling'. After a while your brain will abandon those pathways and will create new ones excluding her. From the day you leave someone it takes 3 weeks of absence for the brain to grab what is going on and start making changes.

[katiegrl]

Oh Mjm I am so sorry ((hugs))...

 

I'm not sure how this will work out... if you leave her alone and stay no contact, she may miss you and want to try again...maybe not. Time will tell.

 

I know for me, even when I am really into a guy, if he gets too intense too soon and comes on too strong, it can scare me off...but one thing you need to understand about being scared off is.... it's just another way of saying she is turned off.

 

Scared off = turned off.

 

So if you do get back with her, you need to chill out and be less intense. If you don't get back with her, there WILL be other girls you will fall hard for, and when that happens, take it down a notch and don't wear your heart on you sleeve. Keep her wondering about you a bit....don't play games. Just try not to be too intense and demonstrative with your feelings...too soon.

 

Lesson learned though right?

[Mjm1014]

Thanks both of you for the responses! I'm trying to move on... haha clearly know what I need to do unfortunately

[BluEyeL]

I think no contact doesn't really work on the long term. It works when you've been a bit clingy and the other person is still into you. But if they've moved on, I don't think it's working but temporary. They might email/text/call you but I don't really think it works in such a way that a serious, lasting relationship will rekindle because of that.

[ExpatInItaly]

No contact isn't a tool to get someone back. It's a tool to help you move on.

 

I have a feeling she was never as into it as you were. I don't disagree she liked you; obviously she did. But I don't think she was ready yet to be in a relationship. 4 months is a good length of time to figure out where you're at, and turns out she didn't see it happening. I think your pressure intensified whatever doubts she had, but those doubts were already there and she saw this as her way out.

 

The truth is that if she wanted to give it another try, you'd have heard from her by now. I don't think contacting her again is going to bring about the result you want. In the meantime, call things off with this other girl. Not fair to her.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

You only ended things 2 weeks ago it's normal you are having a hard time moving on. You have to give yourself a good 2 months. There is no use dating other girls, you are just misleading them, your heart and mind aren't free.

 

As for your ex girlfriend forget about her. After 4 months she was afraid to date you because of some relationship that ended 3 years ago!! Geez talk about a silly excuse. She just didn't want to be in a relationship with you. You scared her off because you liked her more than she liked you. If she had been into you she would not have run off. She is better gone.

 

Do not contact her. If she realizes she lost something important she can reach out to you. If you do contact her and she rejects you then you are going to go back to square one and will have to mourn her all over again like at day 1. Do not do that to yourself.

 

QFT. Couldn't have been said better.

[katiegrl]

No contact isn't a tool to get someone back. It's a tool to help you move on.

 

^^...which sometimes results in that someone missing you and realizing how much you really meant to them.

 

That ole saying "you don't realize what you have till it's gone" is very true in many cases.

 

Point is OP, you came on too intense, too strong, too soon. She felt suffocated...and whatever feelings she may have had, or could have developed, died as a result.

 

She never had an opportunity to think about you, to miss you! Or to even realize if she had a feeling for you! You never allowed her to, you were always around, in her face so to speak.

 

Yes no contact will give YOU space to regroup and move on, but it might also serve to allow HER to think about you, to miss you, and realize her feelings for you, which she never had an opportunity to do when you were together because you were always pushing, always 'in her face" (so to speak).

 

If not, then the no contact served to allow YOU to move on....

Edited April 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[Mjm1014]

UPDATE: she messaged me wishing me a happy Easter and wondering how I was doing...I'm going to be short and sweet, avoid the chit chat and keep her wondering.

 

Again, thanks for all the input. Treading light and TRYING to get over her right now. Happy Easter!

[katiegrl]

UPDATE: she messaged me wishing me a happy Easter and wondering how I was doing...I'm going to be short and sweet, avoid the chit chat and keep her wondering.

 

Again, thanks for all the input. Treading light and TRYING to get over her right now. Happy Easter!

 

Excellent!!! She's thinking about you now, sounds like she might be missing you!

 

See what giving someone a little space can do??

 

Wait a bit before responding, and then make it brief. DON'T engage her!

 

Let that rubber band stretch.... and stretch...

 

Keep us posted!

[fitnessfan365]

One minute she's telling you that she's head over heels for you, and the next she is saying she just wants to be friends and isn't feeling it. This girl sounds like nothing but drama. However, if you're still determined to try and have her in your life, you need to allow her the space to come back at her own pace.

 

1) Don't contact her whatsoever. Keep the mindset that you're never going to see her again.

 

2) If she contacts you, no small talk. "Great to hear from you! When are you free to get together?" If she gets back to you with a day, invite her over to your place for dinner in. Do not plan a date with her. This is a woman that wanted to end it with you that you've already dated. If she wants to be courted again, she has to prove herself. If she won't commit to coming over, say that you've had a long week and just feel like staying in. But she can check back with you some other time. Then go back to no contact. If she reaches out again same thing. Direct invite for dinner in. Never invest time and money re-courting a woman that dropped you. Treat her like a FWB until she deserves otherwise. Then if you do start actually dating her again, do not bring up relationship status. Leave that on her.

[katiegrl]

One minute she's telling you that she's head over heels for you, and the next she is saying she just wants to be friends and isn't feeling it. This girl sounds like nothing but drama. However, if you're still determined to try and have her in your life, you need to allow her the space to come back at her own pace.

 

1) Don't contact her whatsoever. Keep the mindset that you're never going to see her again.

 

2) If she contacts you, no small talk. "Great to hear from you! When are you free to get together?" If she gets back to you with a day, invite her over to your place for dinner in. Do not plan a date with her. This is a woman that wanted to end it with you that you've already dated. If she wants to be courted again, she has to prove herself. If she won't commit to coming over, say that you've had a long week and just feel like staying in. But she can check back with you some other time. Then go back to no contact. If she reaches out again same thing. Direct invite for dinner in. Never invest time and money re-courting a woman that dropped you. Treat her like a FWB until she deserves otherwise. Then if you do start actually dating her again, do not bring up relationship status. Leave that on her.

 

Maybe I am misunderstooding ff, but if you are suggesting he invite her over for dinner -- NO, NO and NO!!

 

He needs to give her space and then more space! This is a guy who came on way too strong, way too fast, and it scared her off...um, turned her off!

 

So now you are suggesting that after telling him it's over...and sending him one text asking how he's doing...he's supposed to jump right back on the same horse that scared/turned her off in the first place?

 

No..OP please don't invite her over or ask to get together. Let that rubber band stretch!!! Give her a chance to think about you, wonder about you and miss you!!!

Edited April 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[fitnessfan365]

Maybe I am misunderstooding ff, but if you are suggesting he invite her over for dinner -- NO, NO and NO!!

 

He needs to give her space and then more space! This is a guy who came on way too strong, way too fast, and it scared her off...um, turned her off!

 

So now you are suggesting that after telling him it's over...and sending him one text asking how he's doing...he's supposed to jump right back on the same horse that scared/turned her off in the first place?

 

No..OP please don't invite her over or ask to get together. Let that rubber band stretch!!! Give her a chance to think about you, wonder about you and miss you!!!

 

1) He has been giving her space.

 

2) When she reaches out, she's hinting at wanting to possibly get together. But due to the fact that she dropped him, he doesn't offer to take her on public dates or spend any money on her. The only acceptable get together is her coming over to have fun and hook up. She is completely FWB status until she re-proves herself. If they have sex, he keeps leaving the ball in her court to always reach out. He doesn't pursue or contact her ever.

 

3) If she doesn't want to come over, and insists on a public date, he says to get in touch some other time and once again goes back to not contacting her. Once again, always forcing her to initiate contact is giving her space.

 

If he has a goal to have this woman back in his life and he just completely ignores her, that will accomplish the exact opposite of what he wants. The whole point of giving space is to re-attract someone to start potentially hanging out again. As long as he always lets her contact him, keeps it to once a week for sex only, etc he won't be coming on too strong with relationship talk like he did before. But in order for her to start desiring him again, they at least have to spend a bit of time together having fun and hooking up once and awhile. But as I said, FWB only and no public dates or money spent on her.

Edited April 5, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Gaeta]

I would play my cards differently if I were OP.

 

I would tell her: You know what! You are right, you are not ready to commit, you have issues you need to come to peace with, you don't need me to pressure you. I am sure I will find a woman that is ready to have all of me.

 

I would not take her back as a fwb, no way. She doesn't deserve that type of energy and attention from OP.

 

She takes him back fully or she stays away.

[fitnessfan365]

I would play my cards differently if I were OP.

 

I would tell her: You know what! You are right, you are not ready to commit, you have issues you need to come to peace with, you don't need me to pressure you. I am sure I will find a woman that is ready to have all of me.

 

I would not take her back as a fwb, no way. She doesn't deserve that type of energy and attention from OP.

 

She takes him back fully or she stays away.

 

In the mindset that she has now, she wouldn't be ready to take him back fully. He has to allow her the space to come and go as she pleases. Women are like cats in that regard. Also, delegating a woman to FWB status where you don't court her whatsoever, and only hook up with her once a week is not giving any energy whatsoever. It's making her do all the work. She is only contacting him. She is coming over to his place. She is having sex with him. If he continues to make her initiate contact, gives her a ton of space, and just focuses on sex and fun, this will re-ignite the attraction that she felt. If and when that happens, they slowly start dating again 1-2x a week. Her doing 80% of the initiating, etc.. As long as he doesn't mention relationship status, and lets her bring it up eventually, things could get back to where they were. But in order to get her back to where she was, he essentially has to start at ground zero.

 

But personally, I think associating with the girl at all is a TERRIBLE idea. He should just drop her completely and find a woman that has her $hit together emotionally.

[Gaeta]

In the mindset that she has now, she wouldn't be ready to take him back fully. He has to allow her the space to come and go as she pleases. Women are like cats in that regard. Also, delegating a woman to FWB status where you don't court her whatsoever, and only hook up with her once a week is not giving any energy whatsoever. It's making her do all the work. She is only contacting him. She is coming over to his place. She is having sex with him. If he continues to make her initiate contact, gives her a ton of space, and just focuses on sex and fun, this will re-ignite the attraction that she felt. If and when that happens, they slowly start dating again 1-2x a week. Her doing 80% of the initiating, etc.. As long as he doesn't mention relationship status, and lets her bring it up eventually, things could get back to where they were. But in order to get her back to where she was, he essentially has to start at ground zero.

 

But personally, I think associating with the girl at all is a TERRIBLE idea. He should just drop her completely and find a woman that has her $hit together emotionally.

 

You are overlooking one important element. OP is in love with her. He can't sleep with her and keep it fwb. She will read all over his face and gestures that he's badly into her.

[40 Fonzarelli]

Never. Ever. Bring up the status of a relationship with a girl. Ever.

[Gaeta]

But personally, I think associating with the girl at all is a TERRIBLE idea. He should just drop her completely and find a woman that has her $hit together emotionally.

 

That part I agree. I think she just messaged him for attention.

[fitnessfan365]

You are overlooking one important element. OP is in love with her. He can't sleep with her and keep it fwb. She will read all over his face and gestures that he's badly into her.

 

Hence why I said that he needs to drop her.

 

But since he determined to try and have her back in his life, he needs to put in the least amount of work possible and give her as much space as she can. This means letting her do all the initiating and doing nothing date or relationship like. This means sex and fun once and awhile to make her feel desire and then slowly spending more time with her. However, as I said, I think it's a bad idea to still associate with her. He should just drop her completely.

[katiegrl]

1) He has been giving her space.

 

2) When she reaches out, she's hinting at wanting to possibly get together. But due to the fact that she dropped him, he doesn't offer to take her on public dates or spend any money on her. The only acceptable get together is her coming over to have fun and hook up. She is completely FWB status until she re-proves herself. If they have sex, he keeps leaving the ball in her court to always reach out. He doesn't pursue or contact her ever.

 

3) If she doesn't want to come over, and insists on a public date, he says to get in touch some other time and once again goes back to not contacting her. Once again, always forcing her to initiate contact is giving her space.

 

If he has a goal to have this woman back in his life and he just completely ignores her, that will accomplish the exact opposite of what he wants. The whole point of giving space is to re-attract someone to start potentially hanging out again. As long as he always lets her contact him, keeps it to once a week for sex only, etc he won't be coming on too strong with relationship talk like he did before. But in order for her to start desiring him again, they at least have to spend a bit of time together having fun and hooking up once and awhile. But as I said, FWB only and no public dates or money spent on her.

 

I never said he should completely ignore her. Please read my posts again.

 

And I don't agree that her texting him was her "hinting" that she wants to get together. It means she is beginning to miss him...and feeling him out. And why is this happening? Because he is leaving her alone, and moving on.

 

He needs to keep moving on. The ball is in HER court. If she wants to see him, then SHE needs to tell him that!! She dumped him, remember?

[fitnessfan365]

He needs to keep moving on. The ball is in HER court. If she wants to see him, then SHE needs to tell him that!! She dumped him, remember?

 

That's why she's reaching out silly. I mean I'm sure you know this from gender experience. But women love to hint and make guys read between the lines (in most cases - I know you're direct, but you're an exception woman) . Think back to when you first started dating your BF. If you wanted him to ask you out again sooner than expected, wouldn't you put yourself in his orbit by contacting him? But as I said before, since she dumped him, that's why he only lets her initiate, and he doesn't court her whatsoever. She will have to put in work by simply going over to his place and having sex with him.

 

However, since he is completely in love and infatuated with her, he wouldn't be able to keep his emotions in check to handle it. So that's why he should just drop her completely since she isn't the relationship type.

[katiegrl]

That's why she's reaching out silly. I mean I'm sure you know this from gender experience. But women love to hint and make guys read between the lines (in most cases - I know you're direct, but you're an exception woman) . Think back to when you first started dating your BF. If you wanted him to ask you out again sooner than expected, wouldn't you put yourself in his orbit by contacting him? But as I said before, since she dumped him, that's why he only lets her initiate, and he doesn't court her whatsoever. She will have to put in work by simply going over to his place and having sex with him.

 

However, since he is completely in love and infatuated with her, he wouldn't be able to keep his emotions in check to handle it. So that's why he should just drop her completely since she isn't the relationship type.

 

Not proud of this, but in my younger days, I have also dumped guys and texted them because I was feeling lonely and/or wanted attention. Not because I wanted to see them again.

 

If they interpreted my one text as meaning I wanted to see them again, after I just dumped them, and they asked to see me, I would have been like....arghh!!! No, that's not why I texted.

 

That never happened. But if it did, that's what my response would have been.

 

Again, not proud of that, but it is what it is....

Edited April 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[Mjm1014]

Once again, thanks for the responses, it means a lot! I kept it short with her and didn't engage in any small talk...I really hate having to play this game and normally I wouldn't if I truly believed she wasn't into me, but I realize part of the problem was me so I'm forcing myself to back off her. As far as hooking up goes, it's not going to happen. In the past she invited me over two or three nights to sleep over but made it clear it was too soon for sex (still made out and did everything else except) so I don't want to push that either, and frankly I don't care because I genuinely like this girl and dont want to push her further. Idk if she feels guilty because she still has lingering feelings for her ex or if she just wants to get to know me more, but that's fine.

 

My game plan is to go back to no contact and she can reach out to me if she wants if not then I know for certain it's time to move onto someone that values me. I guess my problem is to know when to throw in the towel. My friends, parents, and people on here suggest to move on so I'm def thinking everyone might be right at this point. Life is too short for this. Thanks everyone, this hasnt been easy, but your suggestions def give me something to think about and makes it a bit easier. Next time I won't make these mistakes....I HOPE:)