Should I tolerate domestic violence?

[sunshine_forever]

I really love my boyfriend and he also really loves me. We are such a match. But the problem is that if we argue, he usually can't control himself and go mad. Whenever I saw him go mad, I tried to run away, and then he would try to grab me and hurt me just to hold me back. From the beginning, he has hit me three times. Everytime like that, I cried a lot and asked him to change. He always promised that he will change but he just became more and more controlling everyday.

 

I think it is quite dangerous to date a man like that. But inside my heart I still love him, and know that he did that because he loved me way too much so he can't let me go.

 

I still decided to break up and has kept silent for some days. Last night he came to find me. He'd been waiting for me all day. When I came back and saw him, I felt very scared and tried to run away. But he managed to capture me, and asked me why I don't give him a chance, and why I just want to break up although I still love him. I explained but he didn't believe and he forced me to hold him. Finally I called the security and he was so angry. He slapped me 2 times in the face before leaving.

I feel so sad, disappointed and insecure now, because I, at the same time, love him, want to forgive, yet hate him and scared of him.

 

Is it my mistake that I didn't believe and give him a chance?

 

I feel sympathy for him rather than disgust him. Because as a child, he had to suffer from seeing his dad hitting his mom. I want to fix up all the pain in him and believe that his true self is not like that.

Edited April 5, 2015 by sunshine_forever

[sunshine_forever]

Is there any chance that violent men can be changed...? I don't like drama actually, but sometimes I am too forgiving I guess. I don't know if that man really deserves to have a chance...

[dreamingoftigers]

Is there any chance that violent men can be changed...? I don't like drama actually, but sometimes I am too forgiving I guess. I don't know if that man really deserves to have a chance...

 

 

For God's sakes.

 

He's a boyfriend.

 

No don't stick with him. Don't be around him. Never see him again if you can.

 

Report it. Go to a shelter and seek counseling.

 

Tell every male friend you have what he is doing, do not let this guy intimidate you or touch you. You see him at work, you call security. Change your cell number, block him on social media, deactivate it if you have to.

 

Move if you have to. This man is a very blatant, and even public threat to your safety.

 

I know that you are on the fence about that right now. But this is the kind of crap you hear about on Dateline.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband wasn't particularly physically violent, but last summer he did escalate to that point after nine years and being drunk. He gave me bruises one time and that was enough for him to stop acting that way completely.

 

For the whole summer when he would get upset, I would shake and he would get very very mad about that and accuse me of manipulating him or trying to make him feel bad. I was scared. But when I was scared, I would actually stand in front of the door. So he wouldn't leave and disappear. Any time he was physical with me was when he perceived me as blocking his exit, which was an awful cycle. Him triggered by feeling trapped and me frightened of the status quo changing. Terrible feelings both.

 

I just posted this in another thread:

 

Abuse tends to actually cloud judgment. Part of why it is so toxic.

 

The abuse actually triggers certain chemicals that cause PTSD and people with PTSD often become very scared and rigid of change in the environment, rational or not.

 

It is very easy for an abuser to manipulate an abused person because they will often, out of sheer irrational fear do anything to maintain the status quo and not upset the abuser. The brain has already made the link that "upsetting the abuser has dire consequences." It has a hook as powerful as a drug addiction.

 

Try to talk a drug addict into quitting his/her addiction.

 

That is a huge reason why abuse (especially verbal and physical) is so insidious.

[sunshine_forever]

I have already reported to the security of my hostel, blocked him on social media. Should I inform his boss of this?

[bene]

 

I want to fix up all the pain in him and believe that his true self is not like that.

 

This is almost textbook example how women suffering abuse can have some romantic notions about helping a bad boy who is actually just lost and confused but honey, it is not your job to fix him and also, it is impossible to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

 

It's a vicious cycle and I bet it will get worse over time. Having a bad childhood is not an excuse. Not being able to control himself is not an excuse. Usually violent people don't go around hitting everyone, they very well know what they are doing. Chances are that he would not hit his boss at work or people on the street when there's some misunderstanding. But he gets so "out of control" with you?

 

It's really painful to read your story. Please get out of this relationship.

[whichwayisup]

This man will never change and if you stay with him one day he's gonna end up putting you in the hospital, or worse, 6 feet under!!

 

He is abusive and sick in the head. Regardless that you love him, your life is worth more!!

 

You have to end it with him. If you can't do it on your own, talk to your friends and family, ask for their help and also seek counseling. This guy has damaged you inside and out.

[beach]

No, you should not tolerate it!

 

Love does NOT look like that.

 

 

And I hope you seek counseling to help you understand why you think it may be acceptable.

 

 

Get help to become stronger. I hope you will.

[elaine567]

Having a bad childhood is not an excuse. Not being able to control himself is not an excuse. Usually violent people don't go around hitting everyone, they very well know what they are doing. Chances are that he would not hit his boss at work or people on the street when there's some misunderstanding. But he gets so "out of control" with you?

 

 

^^^^this^^^^

 

Is so true, they only hit you.

Not their boss, not their mother, not their friends, not their co-workers not people in the street, not people in the supermarket, not people in cars, or in buses.

ONLY YOU.

His true self is the one slapping your face and hurting you. He needs to control you but whatever you do it will never be good enough and you will always need punished to bring you back into line.

[Downtown]

If we argue, he usually can't control himself and go mad. ... he just became more and more controlling everyday. I think it is quite dangerous to date a man like that.

Yes, dating him may be very dangerous, Sunshine. I suggest you stay away and not look back. You are describing some of the red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this because, if he really does have most BPD traits at a strong level, it would be impossible for you to "fix up all the pain in him" -- and it would be a big mistake to believe "his true self is not like that."

 

Hence, if you ever feel tempted to take him back, I would suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you find most of those signs to sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Sunshine.

[dreamingoftigers]

^^^^this^^^^

 

Is so true, they only hit you.

Not their boss, not their mother, not their friends, not their co-workers not people in the street, not people in the supermarket, not people in cars, or in buses.

ONLY YOU.

His true self is the one slapping your face and hurting you. He needs to control you but whatever you do it will never be good enough and you will always need punished to bring you back into line.

 

I would like to make an amendment to this.

 

My Dad would threaten and get physical with other publicly and so forth when I was younger. Societal norms and consequences have changed a lot in the last 50 years. Remember when men getting in physical fights was a common thing. Now, it is a rather uncommon thing. And assault charges happen.

 

I would say that abusers of this nature only hit their partner because they feel that they can get away with it.

 

They hit people physically smaller than them and people that they know can't fight back on the same level.

 

That's who they hit. If they figure they could hit the guy on the bus and get away with it, they would.

 

Same reason certain people get violent with homeless people. They figure that they are entitled to and they can't fight back. That's who they are and what they believe.

 

Dangerous as Hell.

[Pennyapple]

RUN away from him!!!

He made you think it's love but love is by NO means like that!

[sunshine_forever]

Thank all of you so much. You should know how important your advice means to me.

 

I am only 18 yrs old, and is studying abroad. Since the beginning I only had my ex bf as the best friend (he's from the same country). Now this tragedy came, I have to deal with it on my own. Now it's Easter holiday so nobody is in the hostel, and the counseling service does not work. I just lock myself in the room, no family, no friends, no counselor. But I can feel that I am not alone because all of you show me that you do care and you lend me a helping hand.

 

To update the story, he (just like all the times) expressed his regret. He even recorded playing the piano and singing and sent to me. He said he is trying hard to find back the good man in him who I said has long been dead.

 

But I don't reply even though I still love him and everything he said is quite touching. It's too soon to tell anything and I also need some time for myself.

 

By the way, everytime he hit me, it was because of the same reason: I want to leave him. So I was fooled that he hit me just because he loved me too much, and does not want to lose me. But now the picture is clearer... It's not love at all, it's actually selfishness and sickness.

 

To be honest, leaving him is the most difficult choice I've ever made. It's painful to accept the fact that the one whom you love is an abuser, that he's not gonna change, that all of his promises are lies, and that everything is finally over.

 

Once again, thank you very much. God bless you!

[elaine567]

Yes, dating him may be very dangerous, Sunshine. I suggest you stay away and not look back. You are describing some of the red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this because, if he really does have most BPD traits at a strong level, it would be impossible for you to "fix up all the pain in him" -- and it would be a big mistake to believe "his true self is not like that."

 

Hence, if you ever feel tempted to take him back, I would suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you find most of those signs to sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Sunshine.

 

I am sorry but a diagnosis of BPD cannot be made here, and yes she can go look at the warning signs and red flags, but there are lots of other disturbing personality traits/disorders that he may also suffer from, that could explain his behaviour equally well.

 

However, he does have serious issues I grant that.

 

He has physically abused the OP, he has anger issues, he had a "bad" childhood and is obviously "damaged" in some way.

But psychiatric "labels" are just pure conjecture and are hardly relevant with the small amount of info we have to go on here.

 

OP.

Please contact your family and let them know what has happened. Call the police if you feel threatened, better safe then sorry.

Make sure your phone is on charge and pack a bag so you can leave where you are at short notice, if necessary.

Go check into a hotel perhaps (if you feel the hostel is not safe enough during the holidays), but make sure he doesn't follow you there.

Leaving abusers is difficult, as they do not want to lose control of you, and can be dangerous, as you are finding out.

[dreamingoftigers]

Don't fall for that crap no matter how much HE believes it.

 

it has a way of taking up space in your head.

 

do everything you can not to isolate yourself including making lots of friends etc.

 

Don't allow him to be your social outlet.

Or else your brain may trick you into spending time with him as friends or because "you feel bad for his circumstance."

 

And do not reflect upon feeling guilty for leaving him. He is TRYING to on some level; perhaps even consciously make you feel guilty or responsible for his behavior so you don't leave.

 

All of this is so you don't leave. But not out of love. Out of the want to have a woman he can dump his rage and negativity on to.

 

His just needs and wants a human landfill to feel good about himself because he doesn't want to deal with his rage and loneliness.

 

He made a video of singing/playing piano?

if it wasn't so blatantly manipulative, it could be romantic.

 

if necessary, I will send you a video of my five year-old dancing to pop music if you feel a void in the music video genre.

 

It would be much cuter and I won't hit you first.

BONUS: You can still leave him and date whomever you want.

 

just so you know. This isn't over yet with that idiot. He WILL try guilting you. he will. And if that doesn't work he might rage, beg and plead. Cry. Make a thousand and one promises. Even see a counselor twice before just not going anymore. There is a good chance he will blow hot and cold. Do things to make you anxious and on edge. and present you as unreasonable and cruel or even accuse you of sleeping around etc. He may contact your friends and contacts and say nasty things to get back at you. He just strikes me as the type who "doesn't like to lose."

 

Unfortunately he doesn't view you as a person with equal feelings and choices. Its all about him. ALL ABOUT HIM.

 

think of it as psychological warfare for your freedom and the only way to win is to use legal means to protect yourself AND to ignore him. DO NOT ENGAGE HIM PERIOD. he will ONLY take it as a sign that you are "still in play and there's a chance."

 

much like PUAs try to elicit an emotional response - regardless of what it is - to start the process of bedding a woman.

 

prepare for this. make sure that every time he tries to engage you he only comes up against a brick wall of someone else escorting him out of a building or simply nothing at all. As in you don't respond to his emails etc.

 

If you respond in any way to him he only hears "game on." Even if you are saying "no way loser."

 

he will even pretend he doesn't know why you are ignoring him. Because in his mind "he already apologized."

 

healthy people don't go around with the notion that they are "dead inside or whatever so they can hit people, say sorry. And then everything's okay and they can hit them again." that's not okay for anyone.

 

that's pretty ****ing ridiculous actually.

 

if he's LUCKY he's got a good five years of serious intensive counseling ahead of him to sort his crap out to have a healthy relationship. But he's not even acknowledging the real issue. It isn't that there's some "good guy gone missing inside" its that he hits people.

 

he hits people. And acts like there's some great philosophical existential reason why. Frankly, who can cares what that might be, stop hitting people. my five year-old doesn't hit people. She's FIVE. its not part of a grand life philosophy. its the fact that she knows "hitting isnt okay. we use our hands kindly or to defend ourselves." Most people don't go around hitting people.

Did he lose his inner five year-old? please.

 

so either he's totally mentally ill or he views it as a legitimate way to treat girlfriends. either way, that is not partner material. Hit them, then go play the piano. nooooo way. I prefer dinner and a movie. I hope you do too.

 

it is REALLY easy to get wrapped up in someone's issues when you feel sympathy for then. DO NOT allow his childhood to blur the lines for you. somewhere, somehow along the way he got the message that "hit and go play the piano" was NOT okay to do. in fact the fact he even apologized for it means he damn well knew it was very wrong. (see: five year-old)

 

you know who else tended to have bad childhoods: serial killers. A lot of them had horrific childhoods that built rage and control and release mechanisms in their brains that, well helped made them into people that harm and kill. of course the choice is still theirs.

 

just the same as society should not tolerate a random killing here and there to assauge a serial killer's poor childhood, neither should you tolerate domestic violence on account of someone's poor childhood. it is not your responsibility to contend with. In fact. Report it. I doubt you will be the last.

 

my worry for you is that you had to ask of you should tolerate it. I hope to God your answer after all of this is: NO.

 

you're 18! go have stupid fun with people that aren't ****ing stupid!

[d0nnivain]

I really love my boyfriend and he also really loves me. We are such a match.

 

 

That is a LIE! He doesn't love you. He beats you. That is not love. Some BS about not being able to control himself is a lie.

 

 

If you love him, leave him because then at least you will be alive.

 

 

Maybe when you leave he will see what his anger is costing him, and he will get professional help.

 

 

You can't do anything to help him & you are not qualified to try.

[GemmaUK]

If you feel at all threatened call the police.

Make sure your phone is charged up.

 

He doesn't love you, he is a violent manipulator who only deserves disgust from you. He is feigning it when he says he is sorry, the real him is the one who beats you.

 

Please also talk to your family and friends about him as soon as you can you need all the support you can get right now.

 

Are you in a normal hostel or a women's refuge type of hostel?

[elaine567]

If you feel at all threatened call the police.

Make sure your phone is charged up.

 

He doesn't love you, he is a violent manipulator who only deserves disgust from you. He is feigning it when he says he is sorry, the real him is the one who beats you.

 

Please also talk to your family and friends about him as soon as you can you need all the support you can get right now.

 

Are you in a normal hostel or a women's refuge type of hostel?

 

I think it is overseas student accommodation, but I could be wrong .

[GemmaUK]

I think it is overseas student accommodation, but I could be wrong .

 

 

 

This is what I was thinking.

 

 

Most countries have some kind of a network of refuges or such like that details can be found of online - even if all the OP could do right now was talk to someone.

I think if I was 18 (or even my age - mid 40's) and in that situation I would feel dreadfully isolated.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry, it sounds a very scary and difficult situation. You clearly do love the guy, but you have done the right thing. You cannot put yourself in a position where a guy hits you and may even kill you. The fact that he can't see/is unwilling to acknowledge that he is responsible for his behaviour is not something something you should end up being punished for. If your mother hit you when you were young and then you hit your guy, would you blame your mother for hurting him or yourself? I feel sure you'd blame yourself and he needs to take that responsibility.

 

At the moment though, you need to do what you can to make sure you are in a safe place. You need to warn people close to you about him so he can't sneak up on you like this. If he gets in touch, tell him to see his doctor and get anger management therapy because he needs to learn more appropriate ways of dealing with his fears and frustrations.

 

I do think you need to contact a local women's shelter or domestic violence advise service because talking through this with someone who has years of experience of dealing with victims of domestic abuse will really help you to understand the patterns and how to avoid falling into the same trap. They will also be able to give you advice on what protective measures you can take, including involving the police and courts.

 

Good luck!

[sunshine_forever]

I live in the student hostel on campus and it's safe I think because all the security officers have been told to block out my ex boyfriend.

Today I felt very scared. He called my about 10 times and insisted on talking to me, but I made it clear that it's all over, and that I will call police if he comes again. At first he pretended he's not scared and said that he would definitely come tomorrow, to talk to me and take back the books which I borrowed from him. Then I said just come here I will ask my friend to give him the books. Then he said my university will block him out so the friend must come to HIS university. So I asked can I send by post, and he said no because they must be returned in person (?!). I stopped texting from there and I blocked his contact. Tomorrow I will send back the books by post.

It seems like he is trying to get his demands satisfied by all means. But I don't let it happen this time.

No love and sympathy for him now. So disgusting.

[ChamomileWind]

I have already reported to the security of my hostel, blocked him on social media. Should I inform his boss of this?

Yes, you can inform his boss too. He deserves to have the reputation of an abuser, that's what he is.

 

Just remember that a bf or husband can't love you if they also hit you once (no matter how much they apologize); that's contradicting themselves when it comes to being protective as a man. You're suppose to feel protected even from his own overwhelming strength; from himself.

Edited April 6, 2015 by ChamomileWind

[Taramere]

I have already reported to the security of my hostel, blocked him on social media. Should I inform his boss of this?

 

Report it to the police, definitely, and then leave it to them to decide whether they want to notify his employer. Tell them what he does for a living, as that will help them to decide whether or not they should pass the matter on to his employer.

 

I don't recall every seeing anywhere that it's a good idea for person to contact their partner's employer in a situation like this. If anybody knows differently, and can present a compelling argument as to why it would be a good idea, then I'm happy to stand corrected on that...but I'd be concerned that if you personally inform his employer of this, then that could easily be construed as a malicious action...and one that could weaken a case against him if criminal proceedings do need to be taken. There's also the risk that by taking that step you could be placing yourself at risk of further violence.

 

Again, if there's a reason why his employer should be aware of this (eg if he works with vulnerable people) then you can raise that with the police and let them decide whether they should notify his employers - but I don't think you personally should be contacting his employer.

[Downtown]

I am sorry but a diagnosis of BPD cannot be made here.

That's why I made no attempt to diagnose anyone. Nor have I suggested that anyone else on this thread can do so. Elaine, this is not the first time you've falsely accused me -- and other members -- of attempting to "diagnose" someone when we simply suggested that an OP read about the warning signs for a disorder so as to be able to better protect herself. When this first occurred on 2/16/15, I explained that there is a world of difference between making a diagnosis (which only professionals can do) and simply spotting warning signs.

 

This distinction is so well known to the public because medical centers have been publishing the warning signs for various diseases for many decades. They know that, when the public is educated about spotting warning signs, they are far more likely to seek professional help -- and will be far quicker in doing so. The result is that most adults know the warning signs for common diseases -- e.g., breast cancer, heart attack, and stroke -- without having a clue as to how those diseases would be diagnosed. Similarly, hundreds of mental health centers have been educating the lay public about the warning signs for personality disorders on their Internet websites for over ten years.

 

I am not willing to give out psychiatric labels to absent people based on supposed conversations or he said, she said accusations. [Your 2/16 post.]

On the contrary, Elaine, you've done exactly that on numerous threads. See my list below for the psychiatric labels you used for "absent people" in January alone.

 

Psychiatric "labels" are just pure conjecture and are hardly relevant with the small amount of info we have to go on here.

Really? Then why do you use those labels and repeatedly provide links to websites that define traits and warning signs for such disorders? I haven't read all of your 2,600 posts, so I will list only the labels you used in January:

 

• Telling an OP to read "Red Flags of a Psychopath" (your 1/31 post);
  
• "Go play with your kid and stop engaging with 'the psycho' (your 1/19 post)";
  
• Telling an OP, whose abusive BF is a surgeon, that "General surgeons are often fairly psychopathic in nature, it comes with the territory" (your 1/14 post);
  
• Telling an OP to read "How to Identify a Female Narcissist" and giving her the link (your 1/30 post);
  
• Telling an OP to watch the video, "Red Flags of Narcissist Relationships" and giving her the link (your 1/18 post);
  
• Telling an OP that you do not know if he is a true "narcissist" or not but he has some horrible personality traits, while suggesting that she watch the video, "The One Question You Need To Determine If A Narcissist Is A Narcissist" (your 1/14 post);
  
• Telling an OP (who suspects her undiagnosed H is narcissistic) that "Narcissism is not just a label. He will send you crazy because he doesn't love you.... There is no cure, you cannot save him. RUN" (your 1/14 post);
  
• "You already know you are the victim of a narcissist, you should already know that he has altered your grasp of reality, because that is what they do" (your 1/6 post);
  
• Suggesting that OP read "11 Lies Love-Bombing Narcissists Tell" and providing the link to it (your 1/6 post);
  

[sunshine_forever]

I think it's ok now because he just agreed that I can send back the stuff for him by post.

 

I am trying to forget all about him but it's so difficult... Thinking about the good times and the future we used to dream of, I feel so sad and hard accept the truth.