Hope in NC

[m4p]

I think I am about 3 weeks almost 1 month into NC.. Just wanna tell the fellows OW/OM/MM/MW that HEY there is hope after all.

 

What I realized is that with every day of NC and not giving in to the urge to contact xMM, I feel like I am 1 day closer to being happier. With every day I don't take that step to be impulsive and desperate, I regain a little bit of strength in me.

 

I am not happy yet, of course. I still think of him everyday. I still break down (but with lesser frequency and more days in between).

 

As opposed to the initial post D-Day pain where it's sharp and leaves me gasping for air, what I feel now instead, is a dull throbbing pain reminding myself of him and how I never will let myself do this again.

 

It is not easy at all. I had so many bloody triggers (im living in a small city and it seems like in the course of past 2 years, xMM and I had went to about everywhere before). I still feel sick when I go to a place that reminded so strongly of him.

 

But what I want to say is to everyone feeling hopeless and finding it hard to go through NC, please remember that there are so many people who survived it too. If NC is the best course of action for your situation then I am happy to say that it is doable!

 

Nothing is easy and I actually feel like crying again now. Since the end of A I had a whirlwind of emotions every single day. Lonely, heartbroken, hurt, anger and pain. But I refuse to give in. So you shouldn't too.

 

We can do it and we will come out of it better than ever.

[minimariah]

you did great, honey.

keep going forward, one day a time.

 

celebrate small victories!

*hugs*

[Josmatjes]

I'm so sorry... But be proud of yourself!!

[snl]

I agree so much with you.and also so proud. Keep it up. I have been there and I am in my 3rd month after Dday. It still sucks and I still miss her but the truly painful days are now behind me. I survived many memory triggers , sad days and even a bumping into her by chance. All because I tried to remember the why of NC. You deserve happiness and for your own benefit stay strong. Time will do its magic. Things will get (even if very slowly) better. I did survive this mess so can anyone here on this forum. Wishing u all best.

[m4p]

you did great, honey.

keep going forward, one day a time.

 

celebrate small victories!

*hugs*

 

Thank you so much.. Still surviving! God knows how close I was to giving in... This past week was especially hard because it was his birthday.

 

Just 2 months ago during my birthday (right before dday) he was overseas on a business trip and he called me in the middle of the night to wish me happy birthday at the stroke of midnight. I can't forget the sentiments. I wish I can wish him happy birthday but I don't want to go back to square one. It's so hard., that's why I'm here now rereading all that I wrote and telling myself I will thank me for it next time. Have been holding it in past couple of weeks so I think I'm due for a good cry again now.........

[m4p]

I'm so sorry... But be proud of yourself!!

 

Thank you and I hope you're doing well with NC/LC too!

[m4p]

I agree so much with you.and also so proud. Keep it up. I have been there and I am in my 3rd month after Dday. It still sucks and I still miss her but the truly painful days are now behind me. I survived many memory triggers , sad days and even a bumping into her by chance. All because I tried to remember the why of NC. You deserve happiness and for your own benefit stay strong. Time will do its magic. Things will get (even if very slowly) better. I did survive this mess so can anyone here on this forum. Wishing u all best.

 

Snl, from your words and your past thread I really know you understand what I am going through now. It's so goddamn hard and painful. But I can't fathom going back anymore as much as I am tempted to.

 

One moment of clarity was when I spoke to my xmm for the last time before NC. I asked him "do you think we will ever give in again and start all these ever again?" and he said "you know me and you know us. deep inside you know I want to. but will you really want to go through this pain again? Both you and me? Saying goodbye again and again?"

 

It was never meant to be right from the start. How silly and naive I was..... To overestimate myself. Never had I imagined how deeply affected and devastated I will be by losing a person whom I willingly let into my life. From a colleague to a friend to a best friend to my lover and advisor all rolled into one. It's pathetically hilarioua......

 

Thank you once again.. I want to walk out of this pain ASAP but only time can heal. I have realized that.

 

Can't help but break down again now. Feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare. But I believe (or hope) the next time I break down will be further and further away and with lesser tears. :'(

[GoldieLox]

mp4, I really enjoy reading your posts. I can almost feel your emotions in what you write... probably because I've felt a lot of what you've felt. I think xMM hit the proverbial nail on the head when he asked you if you kept wanting to go through this over and over again. There comes a point in time where we need to stop putting ourselves through it.

[snl]

Hello m4p. How are you today. I also had the similar conversation on day of D day and only now feel that it was pointless. We gave in several times only to experience bigger pain and at the end up being still in same situation. The craziest part is that originally I wasn't planning for anything romantic. I saw her as a friend and we had weeks of meeting up with nothing physical and not even romance (I wasn't emotional either). Just friends. She was going through "bad days" so we just were chatting and having good times (again nothing emotional nor physical) until we realized we want and need more. This is when the mess started. I ended it immediately but we fell back again until months later Dday arrived and I just couldn't handle it no more. Not only did I loose the love of my life but also what was one of my most amazing friend for a longest time. You can imagine the void besides the heartbreak.... I wanted to end life. That's how bad it was. But you/we will get over this. Just keep the "why" always on your mind. What helps me now also talking to friends/people I meet that go through similar situations I faced. My hardest two things to ovrrcom were: truly accepting its over and the final (ultimately) break up chat we had. It was haunting me in dreams every single night. I only managed to overcome this through therapy. Not saying you need it. But it helped me. Please be strong.keep busy. You are amazing. And you deserve the best: A happy you.

[m4p]

Hello m4p. How are you today. I also had the similar conversation on day of D day and only now feel that it was pointless. We gave in several times only to experience bigger pain and at the end up being still in same situation. The craziest part is that originally I wasn't planning for anything romantic. I saw her as a friend and we had weeks of meeting up with nothing physical and not even romance (I wasn't emotional either). Just friends. She was going through "bad days" so we just were chatting and having good times (again nothing emotional nor physical) until we realized we want and need more. This is when the mess started. I ended it immediately but we fell back again until months later Dday arrived and I just couldn't handle it no more. Not only did I loose the love of my life but also what was one of my most amazing friend for a longest time. You can imagine the void besides the heartbreak.... I wanted to end life. That's how bad it was. But you/we will get over this. Just keep the "why" always on your mind. What helps me now also talking to friends/people I meet that go through similar situations I faced. My hardest two things to ovrrcom were: truly accepting its over and the final (ultimately) break up chat we had. It was haunting me in dreams every single night. I only managed to overcome this through therapy. Not saying you need it. But it helped me. Please be strong.keep busy. You are amazing. And you deserve the best: A happy you.

 

Thank you so muchsnl.. I feel like I am talking my whole A to death over here at LS but honestly there is nowhere and nobody I can share it with for the past 2 years.

That was how we started too. Friends and colleagues being candid and funny with each other. In retrospect, with all the tension right from the beginning, I think we actually started as a PA. But after awhile it became an EA where we just needed to be with each other (texts, lunch everyday) all the time even if we went for months without being physical. this is why it hurts so much.

 

The void he left leaves me gasping. And yes I had dreams too. It was weird but even though Dday was completely unexpected, I was having nightmares for weeks leading up. then real nightmare happened and now I still find myself dreaming of him and her and us.

 

I feel so sick of myself and of the whole situation. Just thinking about the past makes me sick for what I had gotten myself into. Im gonna write it out just to remind myself to never NEVER never again.

-when he was overseas on business trips and I find myself waiting for him to contact me, fact is every single time he's overseas, he will always call his W first and speak together before she goes to bed (while i wait eagerly like a loser)

-no weekends together ever

-having to disappear and leave me suddenly because she changed her plans and needed to meet him

-their vacations every few months

-sending him to their wedding anniversary dinner once (never again)

 

These little things kills me, man. I have never voiced out on any of it because well, I always thought that I signed up for it and I have no right to complain. I still believe in that. Saddest part was I know how guilty he felt and how much he did not want to hurt me. But all these were inevitable.

 

Any OW/OM is just living on borrowed time with MM/MWs. I can never advocate for extramarital affairs anymore after all this pain. Nobody deserves this.

 

Ps; I am in therapy too. on my 3rd session. not sure if I am making progress but at the very least I feel slight less anxious and much less inclined to morbid and self pitying thoughts.

 

thanks again so much. it has been a bad weekend for me.

[Majormisstep]

m4p, please keep posting. Your posts are a true and painful reflection of what some of us are currently experiencing post break up. It just sucks. We become a shell of our former selves. But as I've read here on LS, the healing takes time. Sometimes a lot.

 

Don't go back, it will kill your soul that much more. You ARE one day closer to being happier. Then you will be a champion of NC, guiding and coaxing others to do the very same. Keep true to this path m4p. You deserve it.

[m4p]

m4p, please keep posting. Your posts are a true and painful reflection of what some of us are currently experiencing post break up. It just sucks. We become a shell of our former selves. But as I've read here on LS, the healing takes time. Sometimes a lot.

 

Don't go back, it will kill your soul that much more. You ARE one day closer to being happier. Then you will be a champion of NC, guiding and coaxing others to do the very same. Keep true to this path m4p. You deserve it.

 

Majormisstep...Thank you very much for your kind words, I am so glad that I found LS first day after dday. It was basically hell and crying for a good 2 months. Knowing there's support across the world for similar situations makes me understand that my pain is real, but is also minuscule in comparison. We just *feel* so much, don't we?

 

Unfortunately I am the type of person who like to overshare and tend to have too much "feelings" every every little thing... That's why it's especially painful for me during the A. I was so goddamn happy with xMM but I can't tell anyone else. It's insane but I can say that for the 2 years with him, we had no unhappiness, just daily interactions of making each other laugh. I tell so many things to xMM that I made the mistake of making him my only emotional outlet... Now that the A is over, I feel like I'm stuck inside myself.

 

You are very right. We are all ghosts of our former selves. Where was the old m4p? I was so bubbly, happy, optimistic and well, beautiful. He made me feel loved and beautiful, that is why it hurts. It wasn't just superficial or else things would have been much easier. This is someone who have seen me bawled my eyes out with mascara running all over and still think that I am pretty. This is someone who sneaked out of his home in the middle of the night to call me when I was hospitalized because he was so worried. How can I forget everything overnight? I made the gravest mistake of coveting someone else's husband. It's his fault as much as mine. But we can't just look at these real, genuine moments and write it off as a "mistake". It was beautiful too. Like a dream. And as with all dreams we must wake up.

 

I have changed so much in the past 2 months. Reality hits and I became withdrawn and basically just lived life like a zombie. I think that's changing.. I try going out more and doing things that I like alone.. I went for movies alone and read my favorite books.. I think I can be the happy me again in the future, but with a harder and tougher inside, so that I will not break apart so easily again.

 

The most heinous mistake we can ever make is to depend on someone else for our happiness. Nobody should ever be so important as to be entrusted with such a responsibility. I think I am beginning to understand that.

 

I have never thought it this way but if my words really is able to help others, then I think I will try even harder just to prove that yes, we can all do it.

 

(Unfortunately, You also gotta pardon my long winded-ness and tendencies to write overly descriptive proses as well as the general romantic sentiments in me that I can't seem to get rid of....)

[bitterandjaded]

I was going through your posts and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing. Your words have helped me with my situation which is similar. When my affair ended I had this void as well that I could not shake. I even found comfort with the wrong people which just made it that much worse.

 

The relationship I had was so beautiful even though it was wrong and destined to fail. I never loved anywhere the way i loved him.

 

You know the saying "You were happy before him you can be happy once he's gone" yeah well I am having a hard time with that too because like you when I was with him I felt happiness on a whole other level and am having a hard time even coping with the day to day activities. So what I am trying to say is thank you for your words because we are the only ones who can really understand our situations.

[Majormisstep]

But you know what m4P, the dream fades and then it gradually progresses into a living and breathing nightmare. I sorely miss the person I used to be as well...happy, smiling, carefree and genuine. Always seeing the good in people but at this juncture I don't think she's ever coming back. It's been a year carrying this load and I'm teary, miserable and bone weary.

 

You were bang on where you mentioned it is a grave mistake relying on someone else to make you happy. What "they" (x's of all kinds) saw in us isn't enough to move us successfully through this life. That needs to be our accomplishment.

 

Next week I will be in a sunny and hot U.S. state for work but I decided today to take a few more days off by MYSELF to sort out this cr*pfest..one way or another.

 

Bitter, hang in there too. We might as well cry in our soup together LOL.

[m4p]

I think I am pretty good at motivating others but when it comes to myself I am a complete wreck.

 

Still sticking to NC resolutely but it is getting so hard and not any better. Turning back is never an option already, but I feel like I am stuck here with no light at the end of the tunnel.. He feels like a thorn in my heart. I might heal over the wound but it feels like he is stuck there and making me bleed inside. (kinda gross when I look at what I typed, lol)

 

xMM emailed me over the weekend, to my personal email (I deleted our shared private account) and it took a lot, but I deleted his email without opening it. Of course, I can't help but long to know what he has to say but I just cannot turn back anymore. So I deleted it, but it doesn't make me feel better. I am still glad I did it.

 

It is probably because of the bad week I had (deadlines and stress mounting at work, coupled with some issues happening within my family) that I am feeling so down now...

 

I no longer feel the need to run to someone for comfort, but this instead makes me feel like shutting into myself until I disappear. Even the thought of confiding in a friend makes me feel so tired already.

 

It's exhausting trying to be strong, but I will hang in there, like how I tell so many others in the same boat...

[Ronnie33]

I think I am pretty good at motivating others but when it comes to myself I am a complete wreck.

 

Still sticking to NC resolutely but it is getting so hard and not any better. Turning back is never an option already, but I feel like I am stuck here with no light at the end of the tunnel.. He feels like a thorn in my heart. I might heal over the wound but it feels like he is stuck there and making me bleed inside. (kinda gross when I look at what I typed, lol)

 

xMM emailed me over the weekend, to my personal email (I deleted our shared private account) and it took a lot, but I deleted his email without opening it. Of course, I can't help but long to know what he has to say but I just cannot turn back anymore. So I deleted it, but it doesn't make me feel better. I am still glad I did it.

 

It is probably because of the bad week I had (deadlines and stress mounting at work, coupled with some issues happening within my family) that I am feeling so down now...

 

I no longer feel the need to run to someone for comfort, but this instead makes me feel like shutting into myself until I disappear. Even the thought of confiding in a friend makes me feel so tired already.

 

It's exhausting trying to be strong, but I will hang in there, like how I tell so many others in the same boat...

 

Do you know how strong you are for deleting that message? I wouldn't have been that strong. Be proud of yourself for that. You are doing great.

 

I know it hurts and as time goes on and you realize it has to be over forever it hurts more. Then one day you get to a point where you just get sick of hoping and you move on. It takes time to get there though. Everyday I tell myself that this is the way it has to be because I am not ok with being the OW and I will never be more.

[adna89]

You deserve to be more than a OW,,he is selfish and is trying to string you along.He knows he will never leave his wife for you,but needs you still to get over you step by step..once he gets over you completely he will drop you forever

[snl]

Hi M4p.

 

Hope you are doing good and staying strong. Wishing always all best.

[m4p]

You deserve to be more than a OW,,he is selfish and is trying to string you along.He knows he will never leave his wife for you,but needs you still to get over you step by step..once he gets over you completely he will drop you forever

 

Thanks Adna, I believe so too. I am pretty sure it's not easy for him as well. Ending any relationship, whether illicit or not, is tough. After all, I was the happy temporary escape to his mundane marriage life.

 

But now to help myself, I also don't wish to put him on the pedestal anymore. This helps. I don't want to think of him as the "ultimate happy ending", rather as a selfish person who played a part in this pain we are both going though now. What hurts even more is that he really do love his W. I will try to get over him ASAP.

[m4p]

Hi M4p.

 

Hope you are doing good and staying strong. Wishing always all best.

 

Thank you so much... It sucks!!! But nothing we can't do. Humans are sturdy creatures. Like cockroaches. Haha. I think I'll survive it. Just waiting for the swirling lingering emotions to die out.,.

[Poppy47]

Did you get nothing from the A?

 

Maybe you were expecting a fairy tale ending. I think realistic expectations are very important.

 

Poppy.

[m4p]

Did you get nothing from the A?

 

Maybe you were expecting a fairy tale ending. I think realistic expectations are very important.

 

Poppy.

 

Hi Poppy,

 

Would you believe me if I had no expectations other than wanting that companionship and attention for as long as I can get it? I didnt envision getting married to him or wanting him to leave his W for me. I think we were pretty clear on that. He enjoyed the amusements and cheer that I brought to him everyday. I liked his company, the daily conversations and of course, the highly compatible sex life. It was an A where 2 physically attractive person were very very fond of each other and had crossed the boundaries. Obviously it had to stop because of dday. I just feel that I'm mourning the loss of a friend.

 

Aside from pain, I don't really regret the time we had together.

[Poppy47]

Hi Poppy,

 

Would you believe me if I had no expectations other than wanting that companionship and attention for as long as I can get it? I didnt envision getting married to him or wanting him to leave his W for me. I think we were pretty clear on that. He enjoyed the amusements and cheer that I brought to him everyday. I liked his company, the daily conversations and of course, the highly compatible sex life. It was an A where 2 physically attractive person were very very fond of each other and had crossed the boundaries. Obviously it had to stop because of dday. I just feel that I'm mourning the loss of a friend.

 

Aside from pain, I don't really regret the time we had together.

 

Yes I do believe you, because that's exactly what I want and absolutely NO MORE. Even if I could have the whole deal, I wouldn't want it. I am happy by myself mostly.

I wish you every success with your NC.

 

Poppy.

[m4p]

I had a dream last night. In the dream he turned to me and said "Let's start again... But we gotta be more careful ok?"

 

I feel so ashamed to admit this but god, I was so damn happy in the dream. Like the happiest I had been in months. Well it's just a dream and I woke up feeling wretched. I just can't seem to walk the talk and change my mindset about wanting him. Why can't I just be strong and not let myself still be entangled emotionally to him? I am so disappointed. Maybe it's the savior complex that I have of him subconsciously. I'm pretty alright in my daily life now. Starting to come out of my shell and really doing things that I enjoy and committing myself to work. I lost about 3kg post D-Day and it seems to be coming back because my appetite has improved recently.

 

I am also wondering if anyone else have a bit of shopping addiction post-A? I am splurging way too much on expensive items for the past few months and it do makes me happy, but I just wanna acknowledge it here because I'm beginning to feel a bit of warning alarms on my recent spending habit and the temporary happiness I'm deriving from it.

 

Sorry not much drama to contribute here as it's still NC.

 

Oh but random sighting of xMM in town over the weekend. Just about broke my heart and hence maybe the dream of him that followed.

 

Just some silly, lovesick ramblings that people here are probably sick of hearing...... .

[Adoraxx]

Those dreams are the worst IMO!! I had those dreams too during NC... The xMM coming to me , wanting to hold me in his arms and then telling me "I can't live without you, my love". Makes you miss him even more when he's so nice in the dream!!

 

I have done lots of shopping too (online) but it's only during certain periods. I get focused on one item that I need to have, and then the best of the best and then I'll do research about it LOL. It can keep you busy... as long as it doesn't drain you too much financially.

 

I really hope you feel better soon (and hopefully no more random sightings of him)