Hope in NC

[lookingforclosure]

I had a dream last night. In the dream he turned to me and said "Let's start again... But we gotta be more careful ok?"

 

I feel so ashamed to admit this but god, I was so damn happy in the dream. Like the happiest I had been in months. Well it's just a dream and I woke up feeling wretched. I just can't seem to walk the talk and change my mindset about wanting him. Why can't I just be strong and not let myself still be entangled emotionally to him? I am so disappointed. Maybe it's the savior complex that I have of him subconsciously. I'm pretty alright in my daily life now. Starting to come out of my shell and really doing things that I enjoy and committing myself to work. I lost about 3kg post D-Day and it seems to be coming back because my appetite has improved recently.

 

I am also wondering if anyone else have a bit of shopping addiction post-A? I am splurging way too much on expensive items for the past few months and it do makes me happy, but I just wanna acknowledge it here because I'm beginning to feel a bit of warning alarms on my recent spending habit and the temporary happiness I'm deriving from it.

 

Sorry not much drama to contribute here as it's still NC.

 

Oh but random sighting of xMM in town over the weekend. Just about broke my heart and hence maybe the dream of him that followed.

 

Just some silly, lovesick ramblings that people here are probably sick of hearing...... .

 

Don't be ashamed...I'm with you

I have really good days and then out of no where i'll have simialr dreams and wake up feeling so empty.

I am trying to redirect my thoughts of him...focusing more on work, friendships, and taking some fitness classes too. I work a part time job as well and have picked up a couple extra shifts here and there. I'm hoping for the day I can look back and say "wow, I haven't thought about him in 2 days". I randomly see my xMM on the road since we work around the corner from each other...so I now that sparks my dreams as well

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I had a dream last night. In the dream he turned to me and said "Let's start again... But we gotta be more careful ok?"

 

I feel so ashamed to admit this but god, I was so damn happy in the dream. Like the happiest I had been in months. Well it's just a dream and I woke up feeling wretched. I just can't seem to walk the talk and change my mindset about wanting him. Why can't I just be strong and not let myself still be entangled emotionally to him? I am so disappointed. Maybe it's the savior complex that I have of him subconsciously. I'm pretty alright in my daily life now. Starting to come out of my shell and really doing things that I enjoy and committing myself to work. I lost about 3kg post D-Day and it seems to be coming back because my appetite has improved recently.

 

I am also wondering if anyone else have a bit of shopping addiction post-A? I am splurging way too much on expensive items for the past few months and it do makes me happy, but I just wanna acknowledge it here because I'm beginning to feel a bit of warning alarms on my recent spending habit and the temporary happiness I'm deriving from it.

 

Sorry not much drama to contribute here as it's still NC.

 

Oh but random sighting of xMM in town over the weekend. Just about broke my heart and hence maybe the dream of him that followed.

 

Just some silly, lovesick ramblings that people here are probably sick of hearing...... .

 

I had a similar dream about a week ago, except we were just friends and hanging out and talking...I must miss that very much since dreams are mainly our subconscious thoughts...I felt happy in the dream and then when I woke, I was wondering why I felt so good...then I remembered and then I remembered it was just a dream...enter the emptiness...

 

Good Luck on your NC journey.

[m4p]

Those dreams are the worst IMO!! I had those dreams too during NC... The xMM coming to me , wanting to hold me in his arms and then telling me "I can't live without you, my love". Makes you miss him even more when he's so nice in the dream!!

 

I have done lots of shopping too (online) but it's only during certain periods. I get focused on one item that I need to have, and then the best of the best and then I'll do research about it LOL. It can keep you busy... as long as it doesn't drain you too much financially.

 

I really hope you feel better soon (and hopefully no more random sightings of him)

 

Aww.. I smiled reading your comment because you sound so lovely. I totally know what you mean! Imagine googling all day on a coveted item and reading reviews and forums etc.. I totally get it.

 

Thank you so much and I hope I won't see him around soon. I will feel better soon.

[RoseVille]

Hi Poppy,

 

Would you believe me if I had no expectations other than wanting that companionship and attention for as long as I can get it? I didnt envision getting married to him or wanting him to leave his W for me. I think we were pretty clear on that. He enjoyed the amusements and cheer that I brought to him everyday. I liked his company, the daily conversations and of course, the highly compatible sex life. It was an A where 2 physically attractive person were very very fond of each other and had crossed the boundaries. Obviously it had to stop because of dday. I just feel that I'm mourning the loss of a friend.

 

Aside from pain, I don't really regret the time we had together.

 

Thanks Adna, I believe so too. I am pretty sure it's not easy for him as well. Ending any relationship, whether illicit or not, is tough. After all, I was the happy temporary escape to his mundane marriage life.

 

I relate to this so much, it hurts.

 

Thank you for posting, m4p. Reading your posts has been more helpful to you than you realize.

[m4p]

Don't be ashamed...I'm with you

I have really good days and then out of no where i'll have simialr dreams and wake up feeling so empty.

I am trying to redirect my thoughts of him...focusing more on work, friendships, and taking some fitness classes too. I work a part time job as well and have picked up a couple extra shifts here and there. I'm hoping for the day I can look back and say "wow, I haven't thought about him in 2 days". I randomly see my xMM on the road since we work around the corner from each other...so I now that sparks my dreams as well

 

I truly wish you strength and luck in this journey.. But don't over exert yourself physically yeah? Sometimes you still need to slow down and heal properly. I have started exercising again too! But it's a bad trigger as I gymmed with xMM for almost a year. Trying to not let memories affect me.

 

I'm glad but also sad that I'm not the only one. Dreams are so freakishly real sometimes. it makes us all disorientated and disconcerted. Probably our subconscious needs to come out and breathe sometimes.

 

Hugs and good luck to you too!

[m4p]

I had a similar dream about a week ago, except we were just friends and hanging out and talking...I must miss that very much since dreams are mainly our subconscious thoughts...I felt happy in the dream and then when I woke, I was wondering why I felt so good...then I remembered and then I remembered it was just a dream...enter the emptiness...

 

Good Luck on your NC journey.

 

That's the worst! The waking up and wondering why was I so happy. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. It's horrible. We can't control our brains obviously otherwise I will never want to have happy dreams like this.

 

I feel you and I hope you feel better soon too. I came here whining and being all lovelorn but now I just feel sad realizing that many in similar situations are feeling this pain too. Hugs.

[m4p]

I relate to this so much, it hurts.

 

Thank you for posting, m4p. Reading your posts has been more helpful to you than you realize.

 

Thanks for your kind words Roseville...

 

Honestly I am just getting things off my chest, there really isn't any other outlets I can go to vent. I truly do hope it helps though, if I manage to articulate certain thoughts and feelings that I, or we all had for the xAP. It's not really putting them on pedestal or being unable to let go, but I feel that verbalizing it makes me acknowledge that what I'm feeling is real and I did lived and loved even though now it's screwing me up?

 

Sometimes I feel numbed, recently I'm feeling angry at the injustice of it all. He was my best friend and my buddy. I just can't seem to... Get over it. I know I will. But maybe not yet. It's extremely illogical thinking but I kept basing my self worth on his silence. I want NC but I don't want NC but I don't want to feel pain again so I want NC but I also want him to break NC? What the hell m4p... what do I want?! Lol...

 

Cheers, I don't know your backstory but hang in there and we will all be happy one day.

[RoseVille]

It's extremely illogical thinking but I kept basing my self worth on his silence. I want NC but I don't want NC but I don't want to feel pain again so I want NC but I also want him to break NC? What the hell m4p... what do I want?! Lol...

 

Haha! Yuppppp! I'm there too!

 

I hope he feels the same way. "I want NC to work on my marriage but I want to hear from her, argh!"

[LovelyBrown]

Haha! Yuppppp! I'm there too!

 

I hope he feels the same way. "I want NC to work on my marriage but I want to hear from her, argh!"

 

Oh God, I can totally relate to the feelings in all of these posts and I didn't even have a PA! Thank you for haring your stories. This NC thing feels like dying.

[m4p]

bad, bad, bad day- week more like it.

 

so so close to giving up to frustrations and let it go and just contact him. hell or whatever, at least I feel something instead of being numbed everyday.

 

but I will not, so am doing a last ditch attempt by posting here instead of making a fool of myself.

 

sorry..

[nikki76]

bad, bad, bad day- week more like it.

 

so so close to giving up to frustrations and let it go and just contact him. hell or whatever, at least I feel something instead of being numbed everyday.

 

but I will not, so am doing a last ditch attempt by posting here instead of making a fool of myself.

 

sorry..

 

I'm glad you posted here instead. Don't give in. You cant..I did everytIme, And NOTHING ever changes except you get a little more hurt each time..

 

Post on here when you feel like breaking NC. hell, do anything But break NC. Because anything is better then lowering yourself to them and giving in to their pathetic games.

 

You are worth so much more.

[Adoraxx]

bad, bad, bad day- week more like it.

 

so so close to giving up to frustrations and let it go and just contact him. hell or whatever, at least I feel something instead of being numbed everyday.

 

but I will not, so am doing a last ditch attempt by posting here instead of making a fool of myself.

 

sorry..

 

Don't break NC, mp!!! I know it's really hard when the urge hits you so what about writing down a list (in this thread?) of things he hurt you with?

 

Let your SILENCE speak for you!!

 

Hugs!!!!!

[nikki76]

 

 

 

Sometimes I feel numbed, recently I'm feeling angry at the injustice of it all. He was my best friend and my buddy. I just can't seem to... Get over it. I know I will. But maybe not yet. It's extremely illogical thinking but I kept basing my self worth on his silence. I want NC but I don't want NC but I don't want to feel pain again so I want NC but I also want him to break NC? What the hell m4p... what do I want?! Lol... .

 

I don't know your backstory. But I wanted to say I felt the same way too, about basing self worth on his silence.

But I am now realizing that his silence is golden and it's making me realize how little I actually meant to him. he wasn't really my friend and buddy and someone who actually cared about how my day was.

If he actually cared about me, he would find a way to get ahold of me..but he doesn't careally and he's not going to contact me. same for your mm. Their silence is golden. Keep telling yourself that.

[m4p]

Don't break NC, mp!!! I know it's really hard when the urge hits you so what about writing down a list (in this thread?) of things he hurt you with?

 

Let your SILENCE speak for you!!

 

Hugs!!!!!

 

I didn't... Thank God. And thank you!!

 

It was horrible I ended up crying in my office toilet and after letting it out I felt a little better.

 

A list. Hmmm. Is it weird that I still don't feel like he deliberately hurt me or anything. Not defending him or putting him in a good light. Even his silence I know was for my own good because the last time he broke NC and called me, I told him that if he contacts me, it will bring me more pain and I won't be able to heal. So he stayed away. Aside from 1 email to my private email account which I deleted, he had kept to his word. (And my word to myself now)

 

Its so silly... The affair shouldn't have happened. The last time I spoke to him I lashed out and said "yeah you are happy with her and moving on and I'm here feeling like trash. what have I done I can't take all these back and I don't know how to handle this" and he literally spoke with anguish (loud and slowly) "Don't ever think for a second that this is easier for me than it it is for you. Do you think it was all pretend for the past 2 years. I lied and I cheated on her which makes me feel so damn guilty now but yet I was genuinely happy with you. I'm stopping myself from texting you and asking after you and taking care of you because I shouldn't do it anymore and I don't have the right to. I am a selfish ******* and this all started because of me and it's unfair for you. As much as I want to I can't anymore"

 

I'm just gonna let myself stay strong by remembering that he wants to do the right thing and I want to do the right thing too. On equal grounds. Not me anguishing over his decision. Except that he wants to attempt to be friends which I was vehemently against. It'll never work.

 

I don't want to spoil what I remember of him. I don't want him to a cake eater or a manipulative liar playing games with me. If I contact him, it'll make him one. We had good memories that cannot be replaced. I'll just have to let this chapter close and heal.

 

Thanks again everyone... FTS seriously. I can do it.

[m4p]

I don't know your backstory. But I wanted to say I felt the same way too, about basing self worth on his silence.

But I am now realizing that his silence is golden and it's making me realize how little I actually meant to him. he wasn't really my friend and buddy and someone who actually cared about how my day was.

If he actually cared about me, he would find a way to get ahold of me..but he doesn't careally and he's not going to contact me. same for your mm. Their silence is golden. Keep telling yourself that.

 

Thanks Nikki for taking time to post.. It's really horrible when I find myself doing that. It's not healthy.

 

And that's the thing... I don't want to have to mindset that "if he cares he will get hold of me. If he cares he will do whatever it is to contact me", because I DONT WANT him to get hold of me this way. I don't want to take his silence as him forgetting me and moving on.

 

I would like to take his silence as respecting me and knowing that I'll never recover if we talk again, and that he wants to help me by sacrificing his own need to contact me. It sound all melodramatic but to a certain extent I fervently believe this to be true. Despite all, we were close companions for past 2 years. He knows me like the back of his hand. He knows when I have nightmares and he knows when I'm not coping well with stress I'll break out in hives. He remembers my allergies and my likes and dislikes and he goes all the way out to make sure that I'm safe and happy all the time. As a friend, as a lover.. Whatever you call it. Aside from cheating on his wife with me, I do truly believes that he always wanted the best for me. The few times I displayed negativity because of the affair, he almost broke it off because he felt that it was affecting me too much. Yet when I refused to, he was so relieved it was ridiculous. This was all before D-Day. When push came to shove, he made his decision and I am not surprised because I never wanted him to leave her and I know he never will.

 

Even if that's not the fact, I'll rather think of it this way than to struggle everyday wondering why and hating him. It'll only make me spiral into craziness which I'm already prone to. Lol. Major panic attack today.. Thanks again and I hope you hang in there too.

 

It took a lot of reflection and crazy mood swings up down left right for me to even come to this logical reasoning.

 

Just keep swimming....

[nikki76]

You are definitely a better person then me for thinking like that. You do make so much sense though. He is showing you respect by not contacting you

I didn't see it like that.

I guess for me it's easier to feel hate towards him, instead of reasoning with the entire situation. My mm was filled with nothing but lies and excuses and I will now only see him for what he really is.

[m4p]

You are definitely a better person then me for thinking like that. You do make so much sense though. He is showing you respect by not contacting you

I didn't see it like that.

I guess for me it's easier to feel hate towards him, instead of reasoning with the entire situation. My mm was filled with nothing but lies and excuses and I will now only see him for what he really is.

 

Don't say that! I'm not a better person. We are all in similar yet different situations. Despite all they say, every affair IS different. We all think that we were different and that's a fact. There are good guys and bad guys and weird guys in this world. Lol. But at the same time, in similar ways, we all loved and there is nothing wrong to have trusted someone and opened your heart to them, as wrong as the situation was.

 

I hope you hold your head high and persevere in NC. Remember all the pain that he caused to you and get yourself out of this cycle. Nobody wants to live out the rest of our lives in fear and regret and missing out on happy memories that could have been made, especially with your kids.

 

Hang in there!!

[nikki76]

Don't say that! I'm not a better person. We are all in similar yet different situations. Despite all they say, every affair IS different. We all think that we were different and that's a fact. There are good guys and bad guys and weird guys in this world. Lol. But at the same time, in similar ways, we all loved and there is nothing wrong to have trusted someone and opened your heart to them, as wrong as the situation was.

 

I hope you hold your head high and persevere in NC. Remember all the pain that he caused to you and get yourself out of this cycle. Nobody wants to live out the rest of our lives in fear and regret and missing out on happy memories that could have been made, especially with your kids.

 

Hang in there!!

 

Thank you. For once, I don't feel fear, just complete and total hate toward him. For acting as though I meant something to him and to finally realize they were all lies. I will definitely not break NC this time.

 

My kids and my husband missed out on me this past year.

That's what I regret. I regret every single minute I spent wasted on xmm.

 

I am looking forward to so many happy memories this summer with my family.