stuck for the next 2 1/2 years or so

[stuckme]

Hi, posting here as a cautionary tale to those of you who refuse to take advice about the 180 and letting go of a bad relationship. So here goes.

 

I'm 42 and my wife is 40. Married 21 years come may. She had some emotional problems stemming from a broken home when I met her. That never changed. We met in military and moved back my hometown after.

 

There came a time I was abusing drugs and because I only cared about that, she had an ea in 2000. Broke that up quick and ended up moving across the country (mainly because I needed to get away from the drug crowd) to start fresh and drug free.

 

Then in 2004 she had another ea with some pos in Canada. Actually talked about moving me out and him in. Took 6 mos to break that up. Finally got her password and from there got his phone number. Phone sex. Anyway,called him to let him know I had his number and I would call all hours of the day and night and let his parents know what a pos he is. He didn't want that because he was living in their basement.

 

Then in 2007 she quit her job at the local school to go to community college. You all know where this is going. At one point we were having a few drinks and they snuck up on her. Falling down sloppy drunk. So I helped her to bed. We have a narrow hall so I had to hold her up from behind. The result was hand shaped bruises on her arms from behind. She went to a meeting for student council members the next weekend and came back distant and cold. The next Thursday I came home from work and she was gone. She took my kids to a shelter for battered women and when she got assistance to move into low income housing they all moved there. She was of course having an affair with one of the other student council members she went with to the meeting.

 

I did the 180 and was happy by myself. Had the kids every other week so half the time. Then she got sick. Turns out she had an autoimmune called itp that thins your blood. Hence the bruises. Her mom talked to me in the hospital and looking story short, I took her back. Shouldn't have done that.

 

So she finished school and went to college for a bachelor's. In 2011 she took a job across the country. We were all going to move there but then she became distant . long story short again. I took her back and found her old phone a few months later. She did it again. One time with one guy, but was pursuing another for awhile. Should have never took her back.

 

That brings us to today. In all this time from 2004 till now,sex has been scarce. She no longer respects me as a man. She has no job. She does do a little housework,but not nearly enough. I have been raising a family of five on a carpet layers wages. My oldest moved out for college. My middle is going to college in fall. My youngest has 2 more years of high school. My wife won't leave and I can't afford to leave myself. Read nmmng and married man's Sex primer.

 

The only thing I can think of to do now is close or bank acct and take complete control of all money. Try to detach. That will be hard though. We live in a trailer and there is absolutely no room to avoid her. This is a terrible situation, and if I had the advice I read on here all the time then.... This wouldn't be happening now.

[road]

Yes get the control of the finances.

[Lion Heart]

It is a terrible situation. Sorry you're in this mess.

I absolutely agree you have control of the finances.

 

Obviously D laws differ and it's best getting some free advice somewhere.

 

While you are still together tho, you can and SHOULD be managing your money. I did this 10yo because of my WH behaviours around money. Much easier since my D Day 15w ago.

 

It's up to you what else you do but I'd DEFINITELY be telling WW to get a JOB! Night packing or oh MAYBE using her degree for the RIGHT reasons! Sounds like my M in reverse.

 

Plus separate debts. Make sure there are no joint debts if you can like credit cards. She will have to pay her own. Etc.

 

Maybe once she has a job tell her to move to a different trailer park or better still, you move.

 

Hope you go ok.

Lion Heart.

[stuckme]

Twice I had her gone. In the free and clear. Messed this up twice! Not much work here. College town and graduates are a dime a dozen. She has tried on and off to find a job. She won't leave though. Neither will I. This is just a trailer,but it's my trailer.

I'm afraid I'm just stuck for the next couple years. In this state you must separate for a year before divorcing. So I can't serve her.

This is what can happen when you let yourself become a doormat. I'm no longer a doormat, but I'm still in a ridiculous situation that I only have so much control over. It'll all be ok. I've dealt with this over a decade. Two more years should be easy.

[Lion Heart]

Stuckme,

 

Look I know it's par for the course to beat yourself up about missed opportunities to break free. I REALLY do hear you brother!

 

It's just not gonna get you anywhere. Like the saying about worry by the Dalai Lama (I think! ) "worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair, you're DOING something but you're not getting ANYWHERE." That along with regret are keeping you busy but it's a useless waste of your precious time and energy.

 

There are ways to have people removed. I'm not talking mafia style but legally.

 

Check out whether you have to be PHYSICALLY living at different addresses too to state you're separated. I'm in Australia so I only know a bit about things here. Not there so find out. You may be quite surprised and relieved even. Having sex means all bets are off some places in the US. Don't mean to get personal but we're faceless OP here anyway!

 

I know you've got 2y but MAN YOU'VE GOT TWO YEARS! Plenty of time to get your ducks in a row.

 

I'd be looking at jobs WAY ACROSS the country if I were you. As long as the kids are ok.

 

She can get welfare if you're separated. She can go lie down in a pond for all you care AFTER you leave. She's not your responsibility.

 

Change your Will.

 

Look you did the honourable thing time and time again. She didn't. It's her F*** up. Just do anything you can now so you're as prepared as can be.

 

Others will come on and be FAR more well versed in these matters. Just keep asking questions. There'll be an array of responses.

 

Chin up

Lion Heart.

[aliveagain]

You married a serial cheater, 180,180,180 than do whatever you need to do to save enough money for a lawyer. Protect your children and never not ever have unprotected sex with her because you will catch something or end up trapped with another child.

[stuckme]

I hear you guys. Yeah, physical seperation. Funny thing is, even though it's required, the state doesn't recognize legal separation. Already spoke to a lawer a few years back.

 

The good thing is we do actually get along great....as friends. All sex is duty sex. The bare minimum to keep the peace. I'm fixed so no more kids from me. This move this week or next (depending on a check I have floating around out there) to take control of all money is gonna strain things though. I still feel like it's the right thing to do.

[stuckme]

Opened me bank acct today. Will wait for card and checks to close current one. Decided to walk in room tonight and turn on the lights and tv to drive my wife to the sofa.

My daughters will think less of me for this. Sux. Still I intend to make things uncomfortable for her as much as possible without actually yelling and screaming.