Do wayward spouses lose themselves in the affair?

[confusedwife1981]

I read a lot on the OW/OM board and I see during the affairs a lot of them lost themselves, started suffering self esteem issues etc... And then after the A ends, the OW/OM feels like they lost themselves in the A and has all kinds of depression symptoms... Do the wayward spouse ever experience this? Or do they just feel relief and happiness that it is over?

 

After my H told his OW he wanted to work on his marriage, he also told her he wasn't eating, he was stressed out, all he did was work and go to sleep. I was wondering why he would feel that way after he made decision? Shouldn't he feel relief and happiness? Especially since she went away pretty quietly? No drama from her end or threats to tell me.

[CarrieT]

After my H told his OW he wanted to work on his marriage, he also told her he wasn't eating, he was stressed out, all he did was work and go to sleep. I was wondering why he would feel that way after he made decision?

Because a huge part of him still wants to be with the AP.

 

Shouldn't he feel relief and happiness?

Nope. What happiness is there is losing someone you cared about - even if illicitly?

 

Especially since she went away pretty quietly? No drama from her end or threats to tell me.

But she didn't go away. You have admitted that they have stayed in touch to some extent.

[purplesorrow]

My WH was the opposite. The affair stressed him out. He was very depressed during. His insomnia was epic. Once he got caught and told all, he slept like a baby while my insomnia kicked in ?.

[confusedwife1981]

Because a huge part of him still wants to be with the AP.

 

 

Nope. What happiness is there is losing someone you cared about - even if illicitly?

 

 

But she didn't go away. You have admitted that they have stayed in touch to some extent.

 

Well yes. I guess I mean she was pretty tame, never threatened to tell me after he ended it. She had the perfect chance since I sought her out for info but she still wouldn't talk. I guess what I am saying is she made this pretty easy for him...she didn't try change his mind or get in the way...didn't try to use drama.

[confusedwife1981]

My WH was the opposite. The affair stressed him out. He was very depressed during. His insomnia was epic. Once he got caught and told all, he slept like a baby while my insomnia kicked in ?.

 

Well we were separated at the time so maybe this A didnt stress my H the way it did your H.

[minimariah]

I read a lot on the OW/OM board and I see during the affairs a lot of them lost themselves, started suffering self esteem issues etc... And then after the A ends, the OW/OM feels like they lost themselves in the A and has all kinds of depression symptoms... Do the wayward spouse ever experience this? Or do they just feel relief and happiness that it is over?

 

the real Q you want the answer to is this -

 

does my H still love his AP? is he still thinking about her, does he want to be with her? why did he REALLY end it? is he being honest with me? ETC.

[confusedwife1981]

the real Q you want the answer to is this -

 

does my H still love his AP? is he still thinking about her, does he want to be with her? why did he REALLY end it? is he being honest with me? ETC.

 

Well those are questions that cross my mind, of course. But no one can answer those for me. I just want to know if MM lose themselves in the affair as well? Does it affect their self esteem?

[minimariah]

Well those are questions that cross my mind, of course. But no one can answer those for me. I just want to know if MM lose themselves in the affair as well? Does it affect their self esteem?

 

your H can.

 

MM can lose themselves in the A, it can affect their self - esteem. that doesn't have to be the case with your H.

 

what is your communication like with him?

did you ask HIM all of this?

[Hope Shimmers]

I want to make sure I am understanding your question.

 

A lot (in fact, I would say most) of the women who are posting on the OW forum about trying to do no contact, etc. are actually married (so they are WS). Are you asking about just the unmarried OW versus MM? Or are you asking if all WS, regardless of gender, lose themselves in the affair? Clearly lots do, from the posts on the OW forum.

 

It's confusing I guess; WS also post on the OW/OM forum although there is a distinction.

 

And, you said you were separated when he was with her? Why was it an affair, then - was there an agreement that he could not date while separated? I'm just curious, as I was in a similar situation (he was separated and they were dating others, but then he went back to his wife after quite awhile into our relationship - but he didn't want to let me go and neither did I, for awhile). And he was of course a total a** in the way that he went about the whole thing.

 

In my case, he was definitely lost in our A. Technically we ended things in 2010 but to this day he still contacts me and tries to wedge himself back into my life.

[confusedwife1981]

I want to make sure I am understanding your question.

 

A lot (in fact, I would say most) of the women who are posting on the OW forum about trying to do no contact, etc. are actually married (so they are WS). Are you asking about just the unmarried OW versus MM? Or are you asking if all WS, regardless of gender, lose themselves in the affair? Clearly lots do, from the posts on the OW forum.

 

It's confusing I guess; WS also post on the OW/OM forum although there is a distinction.

 

And, you said you were separated when he was with her? Why was it an affair, then - was there an agreement that he could not date while separated? I'm just curious, as I was in a similar situation (he was separated and they were dating others, but then he went back to his wife after quite awhile into our relationship - but he didn't want to let me go and neither did I, for awhile). And he was of course a total a** in the way that he went about the whole thing.

 

In my case, he was definitely lost in our A. Technically we ended things in 2010 but to this day he still contacts me and tries to wedge himself back into my life.

 

Yes I guess I want to know more so about the MM and the single OW dynamic...if the MM can lose himself in the affair and once it ends has trouble with self esteem as well. Yes we were separated, we never really discussed or agreed to dating or not. I guess I just assumed he would be too focused on losing me to worry about somene else.

 

When he ended his affair he acted down. He told her he wasn't eating and losing weight. That he was stressed out and all he did was sleep and go to work. He kept sayng he had no idea if things would even work between us. I just thought since he made the decision to stay he should feel relief things ended pretty ok between them.

Edited April 5, 2015 by confusedwife1981

[Lion Heart]

Well yes. I guess I mean she was pretty tame, never threatened to tell me after he ended it. She had the perfect chance since I sought her out for info but she still wouldn't talk. I guess what I am saying is she made this pretty easy for him...she didn't try change his mind or get in the way...didn't try to use drama.

 

Hi confused,

 

Every situation / scenario IS different and don't mind me, I see red flags at the drop of a hat BUT.....

 

a) the OW didn't speak to you? (maybe all fine)

IF it was over FOR sure, WHY didn't she want her side told?

Maybe my WH OW was unusual. Don't know, but she TOLD WH to tell me to phone her! They'd been broken up a month and she was going crazy with grief and anger (and she wanted him back - hence tell me, I kick him out, he LERVED her so much and WH moves straight in with her).

 

b) SO because of ^^^^ and still SOME even remote contact thru Faceache or whatever, they are still in touch / still hope for relationship? Don't know. But....

 

c) my WH was SO relieved it was out in the open because his stress levels were through the roof with trying desperately to appease her / hide it from me. Sure he's sleeping like a bloke and I'm an insomniac! Hence a billion postings on LS.

 

Hate this.... has he taken the A underground?

Has he still got hope for a restart with OW?

I think I'd be vomiting uncontrollably if my WH was pining for OW. If pining is the case, what hope has your relationship got to reconcile?

Crikeys reconciliation is WAY TOO HARD ENOUGH. Getting "past" an A? Woah.

There's NC whatsoever between my WH and OW (Police intervention OW brought in) but it's still revolting to R.

 

I'm making HUGE plans for my life after this crap.

 

The BEST thing a BS can do IS TO PREPARE for the end of the M.

WHs see this and may work even harder. They may just ditch for OW or OW or another OW.

IN MY CASE they are MORE THAN WELCOME to him and his massive debts (btw I no longer PAY for since D Day and the fury from him that I don't! Wtf. Idiot.) His next OW HAS to have a 3 figure income plus no kids (he hates OPs kids) plus no want for them (had a vas).

Prepare then if it all works out....fine.

Either way YOU are prepared for a very likely outcome.

 

Best wishes. Gotta hate this type of life.

Lion Heart.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes I guess I want to know more so about the MM and the single OW dynamic...if the MM can lose himself in the affair and once it ends has trouble with self esteem as well. Yes we were separated, we never really discussed or agreed to dating or not. I guess I just assumed he would be too focused on losing me to worry about somene else.

 

When he ended his affair he acted down. He told her he wasn't eating and losing weight. That he was stressed out and all he did was sleep and go to work. He kept sayng he had no idea if things would even work between us. I just thought since he made the decision to stay he should feel relief things ended pretty ok between them.

 

As for if it would impact his self-esteem, I don't know but in my case, the self-esteem issues were really related to me and how I let myself be treated - his push/pull back and forth with me, gaslighting me into believing that he was intending to be with me while gaslighting his wife in the same way, his jealousy and horrible treatment because he didn't want me to date other people and was always accusing me of that. So in your case if he ended it and it was relatively calm, it sounds like more of a grief thing than a self-esteem thing. Just guessing here.

 

I don't think it's as simple as him feeling relief and happiness that it was over, because clearly he cared/cares about her. Clearly he does for you too, because he chose to go back. I think that can tear a person apart. It would be unrealistic to think he would not be grieving the end of a relationship with someone he cared for. I know that is probably not the best thing to hear but I'm trying to be honest.

 

In my case ex-MM loved me (in whatever addictive poisonous form of love it was) and was very involved in our relationship, but he also loved his wife very much. I don't have any doubts about that. And he chose her, not me. It didn't matter what his reasons were. But it wasn't easy for him to do either.

[sandylee1]

ConfusedW,

 

I hope you're well and getting a plan together. Of course the WS can loose themselves in the A. Everyone is different though. The fact that he stayed in the marriage, could be a relief, but also a feeling of what could have been with the AP.

 

What's really important is how is he treating you now? How does he show you love?

Words mean nothing, without actions.

[Lion Heart]

When he ended his affair he acted down. He told her he wasn't eating and losing weight. That he was stressed out and all he did was sleep and go to work. He kept sayng he had no idea if things would even work between us. I just thought since he made the decision to stay he should feel relief things ended pretty ok between them.

 

Self esteem issues to NEED this type of attn anyway.

 

Yes he SHOULD be focussed on YOU. Mine should too but he's in IC and it's all he can do to cope with and try to resist but needs to accept his diagnoses - plural.

 

My WH is also trying to TT to his friends and family about the TRUTH of our M. He's so well versed at Villifying me that he can't barely TELL them anything but 1 thing at a time he's deceived them about over 15y. He's gotten a backlash from 2 of them and stopped.

 

THIS is why I'm NC with all of them until it's all out and it won't come out. He can't handle telling the truth!

 

THIS ^^^^ is another reason why I think it's over for us.

LH

[No Limit]

is he still thinking about her, does he want to be with her?

 

You don't seriously believe that a WS would ever forget his AP completely, do you?

Edited April 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quoting other forums without attribution, or at all, is disallowed.

[cocorico]

I just want to know if MM lose themselves in the affair as well? Does it affect their self esteem?

 

My H found himself, through the A. It certainly did affect his self-esteem, which had taken a sustained battering during his M. The A helped him recover his self-esteem and reconnect with his true self

[Popsicle]

The answer to this is what you want to believe.

 

I suggest you ask him and hopefully he will give you the answer you want to hear. At that point you should believe it, because it's not productive to believe he thinks about the OW if you are in and want reconciliation.

[confusedwife1981]

The answer to this is what you want to believe.

 

I suggest you ask him and hopefully he will give you the answer you want to hear. At that point you should believe it, because it's not productive to believe he thinks about the OW if you are in and want reconciliation.

 

 

yes I can ask my H "back when you were stressed and not eating after ending your friendship with "exOW" was it because you missed exOW and didn't want to end things"??

 

And then I'm 100% sure he would not tell me the truth if it was related to her. He'll say it was work or it was what was going on between us. But it doesn't add up. He wasn't stressed or not eating during our seperation. He told her he loved being around he because she made him feel good, that he was happy when he spent time with her. On times he would act down he would just ride out to see her wherever she was and then he would feel better.

[confusedwife1981]

i do - it depends on the relationship & feelings WS and AP shared. you gotta keep in mind that not every affair is the same, not every WS falls in love with their AP and just like you forget about your expartners from "normal" relationships and move on - WSs can, too.

 

also - remembering the sweet moments is very different from pining and thinking about someone, missing them every single day. i'll always remember sweet moments with my expartners, too - but that doesn't mean that i ever want any of them back.

 

My H told her he was falling in love with her over the summer. I don't know how true any of that was. I know that WS's say things they don't mean at times. But when they ended things he tried to downplay his feelings.

[Popsicle]

yes I can ask my H "back when you were stressed and not eating after ending your friendship with "exOW" was it because you missed exOW and didn't want to end things"??

 

And then I'm 100% sure he would not tell me the truth if it was related to her. He'll say it was work or it was what was going on between us. But it doesn't add up. He wasn't stressed or not eating during our seperation. He told her he loved being around he because she made him feel good, that he was happy when he spent time with her. On times he would act down he would just ride out to see her wherever she was and then he would feel better.

 

You have no choice but to believe him if you want to R.

[carhill]

Do wayward spouses lose themselves in the affair?

Sure, when emotions are involved, anything is possible and is rarely rational and watch out for the guy going off the deep end emotionally if he's not used to handling strong emotions other than anger. Men are trained to handle anger pretty well but other emotions not so much.

 

After my H told his OW he wanted to work on his marriage, he also told her he wasn't eating, he was stressed out, all he did was work and go to sleep. I was wondering why he would feel that way after he made decision? Shouldn't he feel relief and happiness? Especially since she went away pretty quietly?

If what he told her matched up with what you observed, it can go right back to that emotional processing stuff. If he gets stuck and gets stressed out, all kinds of things can leak out. Insomnia, lack of appetite, depression, inappropriate anger, etc, etc. The attachment needs processing emotionally and each guy does it in his own way and time, dependent on the type and kind and depth of attachment.

 

IMO, bottom line, if you all want to reconcile, figure involving a professional and working on it for a number of years. No magic fixes. He'll be learning completely different ways of dealing with emotions, communicating and setting boundaries, as well as weathering triggers, both in the M and out in the world.

[Lion Heart]

1. yes I can ask my H "back when you were stressed and not eating after ending your friendship with "exOW" was it because you missed exOW and didn't want to end things"??

 

2. And then I'm 100% sure he would not tell me the truth if it was related to her. He'll say it was work or it was what was going on between us. But it doesn't add up. He wasn't stressed or not eating during our seperation. He told her he loved being around her because she made him feel good, that he was happy when he spent time with her. On times he would act down he would just ride out to see her wherever she was and then he would feel better.

 

1. Yes he would lie if he's "trying to R" with you.

 

2. This second paragraph would tell me ALOT.

If that isn't what he found with you (and it's not real life in an A) but if he felt this way about OW AND NEVER WITH YOU, then I'd be surprised if he can ever R.

 

Do you KNOW all the reasons he gives for R?

Did the idea of R come from him? I know we're all in shock on D, so R is sometimes an urge to keep the family together.

Are there any reasons you suspect he wants to stay but isn't disclosing? (My WH wants my $$ but he's never gonna admit it, even tho he still asks for it! I say not if we're together for a million years will I give you a cent).

 

Hugs

Lion Heart.

[LifesontheUp]

Confused

 

You are still looking for answers here but it is your husband who is the one who can give them to you.

 

If it were me I would have kicked him out long ago for his disrespect and unwillingness to work with you.

 

You have choices. Continue to live like this or kick him out. Choice is yours.

[CarrieT]

ConfusedWife, it is very telling that you are still here trying to find out answers and it sounds like your reconciliation is not going as planned.

 

Is you husband actively working to rebuild your trust? Do you feel as though is he is All-In regarding the rebuilding of your marriage? Is he still in contact with the AP?

 

It sounds like he is with you out of a sense of obligation versus true desire and if that is the case, he will never be 100% happy with himself and part of his heart will always be with the AP. Now you can either accept that fact or choose to move on and find someone who WILL want to be with you; wholly, completely and lovingly.

[seren]

My H had an affair, it is around 6 and a half years since we began rebuilding our relationship, I am way past having nothing other than indifference and anger enter into our daily life. I can never forget, it is part of our history, I forgave eons ago, otherwise we would get stuck in D Day groundhog day. My H on the other hand cannot reconcile himself with the honest man he prided himself on being and the knowledge that he betrayed us. I would rather he could forgive himself, his self esteem has become changed and his confidence in himself took a hard knock. We work at it, it breaks my heart for this good man to judge himself based upon his actions all those years ago. I wish with all that I have that we didn't have an A as part of our history, yes for the hurt it caused me and us, but more for the hurt it still causes my H.

is