cocorico Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 And then I'm 100% sure he would not tell me the truth if it was related to her. This suggests that either 1) He's not telling the truth; or 2) you don't believe him. Either way, it makes for a low-trust R. A M without trust is not long-term sustainable. Either you will need to rebuild trust, or to stop caring - or, to accept that R isn't working and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I have read alot of messages between them. She was always telling him she does not want to openly date or have sex with him until "the ink is dry"...those were her words. She told him she wouldn't let him treat her like a whore and he promised her he would never do that. She would tell him what she would do with him IF he was single but that she wouldn't do it while he was married. He asked her if she would wait for him and she told him she didn't know. My H told her he was falling in love with her over the summer. I don't know how true any of that was. I know that WS's say things they don't mean at times. But when they ended things he tried to downplay his feelings. Your issue here is with your husband, and HIS pursuit of this girl. He maintains contact because I guess at some level he is still besotted, the fact she wouldn't sleep with him but would if he were single, will be a source of ongoing attraction for him. Although he has a history of cheating, this "affair" started when you were separated and so this is not really an "affair". Separation for a lot of people means that they go and see other people and you were a bit naive to assume separation to him meant working on his marriage. Unless clear boundaries are agreed re seeing others, separation can be the first step to divorce and some go seek solace elsewhere. That is what your husband did and he apparently fell in love in the process. He probably feels no need to "reconcile", because you were "on a break" when he saw this girl, and he probably feels he did nothing wrong. However I think he is still in the midst of this "love", hence he maintains contact with her. He didn't feel "relief and happiness" coming back to you, because by choosing his marriage and doing the right thing, he lost the chance of being with someone who was really precious to him and his reaction to that was to grieve. Hence "he wasn't eating, he was stressed out, all he did was work and go to sleep." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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