My Ex said She wants to stay as friends, but I want her back

[chrisssan]

About 10 days ago, my ex girlfriend(18) dumped me(19). It was very surprising because my ex was very clingy and very infatuated with me. When we broke up she said she is no longer in love with me and just want to stay as friends.

 

Here is the story. So last October, I met my ex for the first time and I was attracted towards her. But, we really started meeting mid November. She showed sign of wanting to be in relationship with me but i pretended to not notice it, because I wasn't so sure if I was ready for relationship or not. After Thanksgiving break, she flat out said that she wanted to have me as her boyfriend and I said yes. Turns out, she told her best friends that I wasn't interested in her after all her advance and cried about it. Anyways, we were very happy and after finals, she wanted to bring me to her hometown(NYC) for her birthday. She lied to her parents just to be able to be with me. I was really in love with her, so I decided to go. At the city, she said she's been cheated in all her past relationship and wasn't so sure if she wanted to fall in love with me. She was conflicted about how she really liked me but was scared of being hurt again. She said she is emotionally fragile and very needy. Regardless of what she said, I told her I love her for who she is.

 

Everything was like honeymoon and we were very happy. I had to go back after her birthday and we met again the day before second Semester. We were very happy and I moved into her room to satisfy her needs. After about 2 weeks, I rushed for a fraternity because of my close friends in the fraternity. Because my ex wanted to go out but didn't know how to, I brought her. There, she met a charming fraternity member and my co-rushes and got into small troubles, she kissed a guy because he set her up. She was very sorry about it and became distressed, thinking I would leave her. I forgave her although I was very sad, and she started to seeing the guys she met at my rush. I told her I want her to go out and have fun, so she would sometimes go over to those guys place and hang out. I knew she was loyal and it didnt bother me until..... I developed a depression.

 

I developed a depression halfway through February due to my family problem, my mentor passing away, and school etc. Also, I've cut off most contact with my friends to spend more time with her, so not socializing affected the depression even further. With all these problems, I've started to keep everything to myself by isolating myself and stopped talking to people, even to my ex. I only talked to her during weekends and that wasn't enough since my ex is a very needy and clingy girl. She started to hang out with the guys she met at rush more often. After my depression started, that started bugging me to the point I would get paranoid. With all these problems, I still didnt tell her anything because I didnt' want to look weak. Also, I started to let my problem out passive aggressively on her. I would tell her I want to break up even though I didn't mean it because I didnt like the fact that she resorted on talking to my co-rush and the fraternity member i rushed for. She would always cling on to me and let me do whatever I wanted after, even though I didn't ask for anything. I knew what i was doing, and I wanted to apologize and tell her all my problems but I was too scared if she would just dump then.

 

Then spring break came, and I saw my ex when she came back on Saturday. We made out and I was really happy, because I hit the worst point of my depression during Spring Break. But that week, I visibly showed how sad I was even if i tried to conceal it. She was very distressed week after week and almost reached her limit. I stopped talking to her again because I was stressed out about my depression and my guilt for putting my problems on her. Next Thursday, which is about a week ago, I saw her on a hallway, trying to talk to me, but I ended up just passing by. Later that day, she dumped me, saying She no longer is in love with me and can't continue the relationship. I said yes to her break up from being astonished, and I left her room with many regrets.

 

I contacted her the day after, beggin for her to take me back. I ended up crying but she refused every time and said we should stay as friends. Which hurt my feeling a lot because a person who went through so much trouble for me suddenly lost all the spark for me. I became emotionaly unstalbe and tried to NC her, but her msg me break it every single time. next saturday, I went to party, but she invited me to her pre-gaming. I went and ended up keep asking her to give me a chance to convince her to take me back again. She got annoyed and she started making me jealous by flirting with every guys she saw and dancing with them. I got drunk and got in a fight with her and ended up calling her a bitch and left with many regret.

 

I apologized her right after the party. I told her "I would focus on studying and stop talking to her until I can think properly and keep my emotion under control". She said she is okay with it. So here begins my 2 weeks of NC. But I don't know how NC could bring her back when I neglected her to leave me.

 

I still love her despite all the pains I have. Every time I thought about all the pains I caused her, it hurts me even more, because I neglected her and hurt her while i was sleeping with her. She won't give me a chance because I've hurt her and she doesn't feel what she felt before in me. She said she still likes me but she just can't continue being in relationship. I want her to take me back. Can anyone give me advice? I want to know what I should tell her to give me a chance to convince her to take me back. I think if she really felt my pain and what I went through, she would have given my second chance. I simply think she is afraid of goign through being neglected again. Please give me some advice

 

 

TL;DR : I developed a problem and i let it affect her as well as putting it out on her passively. It hurt her and she lost her feeling for me and broke up with me. She says she wants to stay friends and still likes me. But I got into a trouble at a party with her. So I'm starting NC and hoping to get my mind clear. Can anyone give me advice on what to say to her after NC?

[Space Ritual]

Eighteen and Nineteen? You are just starting out in life....too much drama to be having at this age and be all choked up about it.

 

 

Look, College age people are trying things out for the first time away from home with any regularity. I would submit to you that you are blaming yourself for a lot of things you have no control over. Meaning her actions. You can only control your own.

 

That being said the best advice I could give to you is that life is too short and girls lose respect for guys that snivel and try to "nice" somebody back especially given what you have posted. Passive/Aggressive usually leads to being alone.

 

As far as "Friends".... take my advice with a grain of salt because only you know what you can withstand emotionally. But do not be surprised when she hooks up with one of your Fraternity brothers if she already hasn't. You probably won't want to be friends with her then.

 

Go get some life experience instead of hitching your star on some girl your Frat brothers could potentially pass around.

 

Good Luck:)

[ExpatInItaly]

Wait a minute, OP, you have this backwards: she kissed another guy while she was supposedly your girlfriend. And you're worried about the pain you caused her? She wasn't "set up" - she kissed another guy because she wanted to. She also hung out with them because she wanted to. She behaved inappropriately many times. You claim this didn't bother you, but come on! It should bother you. She completely disrespected you by kissing another guy. Where on Earth are your boundaries?

 

I see you making a lot of excuses for her. Sure, you did some things that were out of line. But that doesn't excuse or explain her prior crappy behaviour. In my opinion, she was using your difficult period (compounded by her craptastic actions) as an excuse to break up. But face the facts: you are both still very young and she got a taste of freedom and boys. She isn't ready for a relationship. This one is not your fault or the result of a depressive episode. You made some mistakes, yes. (ie name-calling) Learn from those and move on. This girl isn't the one.

[chrisssan]

ExpatInItaly, I saw how it happened. My ex is very weak with alcohol, and he ended up taking advantage of that. He told her to make a pose, duck face, and he shoved his face into it. I watched the whole thing, and she was very sorry about it, and cried about it for weeks because of this.

[road]

OP failed at mate protection. You encouraged her to go out with other guy's. She would kiss them and you kept forgiving her.

 

 

All this behavior only showed you as not desiring her and you did not value her highly, and being a weak as in a door mat.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you are not her friend even if she wants to be. I'm pretty sure you didn't get into loving and caring relationship with her for the end result is that you are nothing more than a "real good friend" to her. I mean, you tried and it didn't work. It resulted in her flirting openly with other guys right in front of your face. That's pretty cruel and not something a "friend" would do to another friend.

 

 

You stated that you're doing NC for two weeks. Dude, I think you need to make NC more permanent. I think it's time to cut her loose and start working on the only thing you have control over and THAT'S YOU! If you have depression, you need to get a handle on that. Go to individual counseling. If your at University, they should offer counseling for free to students. Utilize it! Start making positive changes in your life. Get a handle on your depression. Start going to the gym everyday. Run your ass off on the treadmill and start pushing weight. This will help burn off the stress and frustrations you're having. Get a new hairstyle. Something people will notice and like. Then, change your wardrobe. Start being a snappy dresser. People will notice and probably compliment you on it. Then, get new hobbies. You're at University, there should be a lot of clubs for you to join. JOIN THEM! Meet new people! Put yourself out there! KEEP BUSY!!!

 

 

Then, finally, travel! Go see new things and see different people! Make a plan to travel during the summer break! Go out into the world!

 

 

The best revenge you can get is to lead a good life.

[smackie9]

Cut her off so you can move on. This friend crap is just false hope for you, and her way to wean herself off of you. You both need to suck it up and let go.