First contact after 2 months nc

[Webby_addy]

Ex gf (23f) left me two months ago due to "timing." She was going through a hard time with her career and I probably showed her too much attention.

 

Went strict No contact for two months until she emails me late night of my birthday. I was doing so well up to this point, dating around, meeting new people, picking up old hobbies, and getting busy with my career. But this kind of set me back.

 

She wished me a happy bday and hoped I had a good birthday. I responded the next day with a simple "thanks, it was good." She then emailed back trying to start conversation. I was confused because no where in my replies does it look like I'm trying to carry on the convo. Never used question marks but she kept sending emails after my short replies. Went back and forth 3 or 4 times throughout that week. The whole time I knew I shouldn't have responded in the first place.

 

Weird thing is I run into her at a cafe a week after where I talk to her for a minute or so. It was mostly light conversation and both chuckling at the awkwardness of running into each other. I in passing asked/said, "what's up with those emails, you know we shouldn't be doing that". She responded with, "yeahhhh, I know... I couldn't stop.. It started from me wanting to wish you a happy birthday". I implied to her that I won't be responding to her last email. Then got up and talked to some other people I knew there. Left 10 mins later without talking to her again.

 

I'm trying to figure if these emails were guilt breadcrumbs or if she is missing me and testing the waters with me.

 

Of course I responded in hopes that she's trying to ease her way back into my life for reconciliation. But the entire time was weary of responding as I don't want to just be her friend.

 

Side note: Its two months and I'm still unsure why we broke up. Ultimately I know that it's lack of interest to see things through but it's strange that when we broke up she blamed "timing" and that she can't give me what I want because her life is everywhere. She stated that she still likes me and the interest is there so doing this is very hard for her.

 

Should I wait for more contact from her or try to test the waters myself? I feel if she really was missing me and testing the waters, she'd get in touch with me soon. But also, she was the last to email and I told her we shouldn't be doing this so I'm afraid she won't have the courage to do so.

 

Is there hope in this situation, or should I just move on? Any thoughts from people with experience of breadcrumbs will be appreciated. Especially those with experience of breadcrumbs being a positive thing towards reconciliation.

[j_mysterio]

I dont see any guilt there man... I'd say she was testing the waters.... You're next step... Idk cause if you hit her up after saying you're not responding to her you'll look like you're still messed up emotionally and not sure what you want. On the other hand.. if you still want to talk to her but told her you wouldnt be responding... she might not respond or contact you... maybe try and run into her again and talk some more... even if you have to set it up.

[Webby_addy]

Thanks for the insight. And you're right, I probably won't reach out to her. She has to do that. I deserve that (and more) if we ever start up.

 

But I forgot to mention that nowhere in her emails did she state she missed me or is regretful. She did bring up mutual jokes/memories and hinted that she's "taking things day by day to stay okay". I didn't say I missed her either and was really short with her.

 

She also follows me on social media while I defriended her on everything.

[hunk]

It sounds like she's kind of alleviating guilt. She doesn't want to cut you out because she's scared of the prospect of you completely moving on and forgetting her, but she isn't into you/the relationship enough to continue with it. Her actions scream this. She is fine with being friendly and cordial and making contact etc. but it's purely for her own sense of relief - she knows it's messing with you and as long as she keeps you guessing/wondering what's going on she knows she still has someone chasing her while she feels good enough to go do whatever she wants to do. It's just selfish communication.

 

The dynamic is still at the point where she has all the power. You need to ghost on her. Completely. If she wanted back she wouldn't send friendly emails - they'd basically scream "look, i've screwed up, i am sorry and i want to try again" and the point/intention of them would be EXTREMELY obvious to you, especially since it's only been two months. If it had been say a year of no contact, then yeah these emails might mean something else. But 2 months is nothing, it's very fresh, and if she really wanted to get you back she would be straight to the point out of fear you're moving on. These emails sound like they mean nothing and just a means for her to keep herself clinging onto your psyche. Delete, ignore, do the ghost on her and do you man. If she wants back her intentions will be VERY clear.

[Ruby65]

She's not into you.

 

She broke up because she just wasn't feeling it. It's likely in the two months since the breakup, she's been rejected herself and is now contacting you as a way of stroking her ego and confirming her decision not to be with you.

 

But she's not seriously looking to get back together. If that were the case, she'd be much more assertive and bringing up reconciliation.

 

Keep moving on -- and block her emails! Who needs this kind of contact? Not you.

[Mrlonelyone]

Issue one how long you have been dating and a flaky but somehow reasonable reason to break up.

 

Ex gf (23f) left me two months ago due to "timing." She was going through a hard time with her career and I probably showed her too much attention.

 

How long were you two dating? Was it weeks, months, or years? If it was close to a year or more than a year then this could be salvaged.

 

 

Side note: Its two months and I'm still unsure why we broke up. Ultimately I know that it's lack of interest to see things through but it's strange that when we broke up she blamed "timing" and that she can't give me what I want because her life is everywhere. She stated that she still likes me and the interest is there so doing this is very hard for her.

 

Have you been dating so long that questions of marriage might start coming up? When I hear timing in terms of a relationship it is a matter of answering the question of where this is going.

 

It sounds like she had serious doubt about taking this relationship to the next level. If you guys have been dating at least close to a year or more that isn't unreasonable to have doubts.

 

What is flaky about it is.... instead of trying to have an adult conversation she breaks up with you.

 

 

I implied to her that I won't be responding to her last email. Then got up and talked to some other people I knew there. Left 10 mins later without talking to her again.

 

After she broke up with you for that flaky immature reason that is a completely reasonable thing to do.

 

I'm trying to figure if these emails were guilt breadcrumbs or if she is missing me and testing the waters with me.

 

Both. She feels bad that she broke up a relationship that was good enough for her to worry about "timing" and "giving you what (she thinks) you want." She may have felt that there was a better, less pressured, more fun, guy out there. That may not have worked out. She may have re thought the value of what you have. She may just want an ego stroke.

 

 

In the end to answer your question you have to ask her. Only she knows.

 

 

Of course I responded in hopes that she's trying to ease her way back into my life for reconciliation. But the entire time was weary of responding as I don't want to just be her friend.

 

There is only one way to respond to this sort of thing which can answer your question. It means taking a risk. Simply say to her you are open to trying again and see what she says.

 

Ghosting, going NC, etc. Those are to protect you from further hurt and they have a certain wisdom. However if you are one who likes to close the book on something definitively, ask her. If she rejects you again then you have your answer and aren't materially worse off. If she does not reject you you have your girlfriend back.

 

 

 

 

 

Should I wait for more contact from her or try to test the waters myself? I feel if she really was missing me and testing the waters, she'd get in touch with me soon. But also, she was the last to email and I told her we shouldn't be doing this so I'm afraid she won't have the courage to do so.

 

Is there hope in this situation, or should I just move on? Any thoughts from people with experience of breadcrumbs will be appreciated. Especially those with experience of breadcrumbs being a positive thing towards reconciliation.

 

 

There is hope as long as communication is open and bi directional.

 

Ask her if she wants to try again. Ask her to do something with you which you two only did as a couple (not sexual).

 

 

My experience with this comes from watching my parents marriage evolve. They knew eachother since the early 70s married since the early 80's. They separated in the mid 90's for a couple of years and got back together in 98 or 99. So I've seen how people can, if they have the will to do so, make relationships work. Granted they were married, and had kids, and decades of history to draw on.

 

My direct personal experience has been mixed. I had on on and off girlfriend back in the early 2000's through 2004 with a long break in which she almost married someone else. Didn't live happily ever after but I did get another year with a good person.

 

It can work if there is the will.

[Webby_addy]

thanks for all the insight. it helps reaffirm what i already knew/know. mrlonelyone had very good points (dated over a year).

 

only reason i was thinking maybe she's testing the waters is because she's broke up once before (lasted a month) and i told her i wouldn't take her back should it happen again. she did come back outright saying she made a mistake that time.

 

no other angles here other than interest level i think.. and i'm done with this. i deserve better.

 

i already started seeing some other girls (but they got some red flags too. hahaha)

Edited April 6, 2015 by Webby_addy

[Ruby65]

If you're dating other women, your ex should be off the table.